EURO TRASH

After another dismal round of European qualifiers
I think its time for a change
There are too may countries now
So I propose something radical
Norway and Sweden should merge
To become Swedway or Norden
Spain and Portugal could become
Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal
Denmark and Finland would be Finmark
Belgium and Holland would become Belland
Germany and Austria would either be
Gerstria or the fourth reich
The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia
Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey
The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course
And the home nations could combine to become England

FOOTBALL

ALADIN’S WISH

Aladin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear

"I want to live forever"
Aladin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”

“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”

“Do you have your wish?”
Aladin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"

DRESSING UP

They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away

When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside

But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend

They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress

THE DOMESTIC GAME

The beautiful game
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue

THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB

THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 1

Rafa is staying at Anfield
So no new regime is brewing
There is no new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great relief
That no new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing

THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 2

Rafa is leaving Anfield
So a new regime is brewing
There is a new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great shame
That a new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing

World Cup South Africa 2010

FAIR PLAY DIAGO

At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way

A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0,

“We are disappointed with the draw
Against this piss poor team today”
“We consider it two points dropped”
Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA

DON CAPELLO

Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish

INTRUDER ALERT

After security failures
In South Africa
Surrounding England
In particular
FIFA want to ascertain
How certain individuals
Could gain entry
Without credentials
To England’s dressing room
The ones causing most worry
Were Emile Heskey
Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry

SINGING THE BLUES

They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury

In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy

They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22

We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning

They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free

We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear

We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable

But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team

POINTING THE FINGER

We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B

THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH

Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany

I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days

A SWIFT EXIT

England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”

England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”

WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0

Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again

CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0

Capdevila has reached the pinnacle
Of herculean World Cup feats
He has joined the pantheon
Of notorious world cup cheats

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

We were rubbish in South Africa
But we should stop the whining
For no matter how black the cloud
There is always a silver lining

We were rubbish in South Africa
And we get no second chance
But at least we can safely say
That we were not as bad as France

INTERNATIONAL BAN

Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure
Of the Nigeria team in South Africa
Is to ban them from internationals
For the next two year which is radical

The English FA considered doing the same
For the good of the English game
But decided not to at an FA meeting
As no one would notice England not competing

HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

Well England made it to the final
Though alas only the refereeing chap
But like the England team before him
Howard Webb was really crap

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

GO FOURTH

Who will finish fourth?
Will it be Liverpool?
Who stake their claim?
Or will Aston Villa rule
Who will stand tall?
Will it be Man City?
That win the prize
Or will Spurs be sitting pretty
Who will go forth?
Into the Champions League
To dine at the top table
Who of these wannabes

Liverpool were last the champions
More than 20 years ago
Aston villa weren’t crowned
For 30 years or so
Its more than 40 years
Since Man City won
And Spurs were last the winners
In 1961

But the Champion’s League beckons
For these wannabes
These trophy less also ran’s
How can that be?

ALL IN THE GAME

Shaven headed barbarians
And tattooed savages
Strut with preening peacocks
In performing their pantomime
While their vengeful tribes
With banners held high
Chant their rhythmic cacophony
Faces distorted with hate

On the field of honour
They grapple and kick
They push and pull
They dive and roll
Assault and assail
Connive and cheat

In unforgiving onslaughts
They perform for baying hordes
A vile and brutal spectacle
Always referred to
As the beautiful game

MUMMY’S BOYS

I long since came to terms
Since John Barnes set the trend
With footballers wearing gloves
To keep their little pandies warm
I am less understanding
Of players taking to the field
With tights beneath their shorts
But it seems I must accept it
But the line has to be drawn somewhere
And that line was crossed
This very weekend
I was shocked beyond belief
To see a player take to the field of play
Wearing a muffler about his neck

FOOTBALL

There are many differences
Between Rugby and football
Rules, number of players, ball shape
Goal posts, pitch markings, duration
And so on and so forth
It was once said that football
Is a gentleman’s game played by ruffians
And Rugby a ruffians game played by gentleman
Not quite as true as it used to be
But still not far off the mark
I’ve even heard it said
That Football is played by children
And Rugby by grownups
But for me the difference
Can best be defined in this way
A Footballer spends 90 minutes
Pretending to be injured
While a Rugby player spends 80 minutes
Pretending that he is not

BLATTER’S FOLLY

Everyone wants a video ref in the game
There are no dissenting voices I can name
Fans shout their support and managers want it
Players are in favour and even the refs want it
Because it is a change that really matters
Everybody want its except Mr Blatter

UEFA CHAMPIONS GREED

I hate the Champion’s League
On so many levels
I hate it because it’s a competition
Devised by money grubbing devils

I hate it because you have to enter it
Because that is where the money is found
Money to lure the pampered prima donnas
To your particular ground

I hate it because it is ceded
So the best teams are always on view
So that UEFA can optimise
Their television revenue

I hate it because it doesn’t seem to know
What it really wants to be
Is it a knock out competition?
Or the beginnings of the super league

But I hate it most of all
Above all other considerations
Because the European Champions League
Has so few actual champions

Post Script

Well all the above is true
But I regret the overriding reason
That I hate it so passionately is that
We have been knocked out this season

THE NATURAL

As a footballer I must confess
My skills locker is somewhat bereft
I am a naturally two footed player
But unfortunately both of them are left

NICE ONE HENRY # 2

FIFA are on a mission
Disrespect for refs they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his ignominy
Handled the ball to keep it in play
A offence done quite deliberately
Which was compounded by his lie
That it happened accidentally

BETTER TO BE DEAD THAN RED

The Liverpool supporters
Singing from the cop
Urge me to join them
On and on they never stop

“You’ll never walk alone”
Is the anthem they sing
It’s gone on for years now
With that tinny scouser ring

Well I’m from Blackpool
And of more sober tone
Which is why I say to the cop
That I’d rather walk alone

WHO’S THE WANKER IN THE BLACK?

The song of the supporters pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
That was the chant
But no longer, for you cant
Disrespect the referee
For a man such as he
Is to be protected
And respected
And no one must speak ill
Even if forced to swallow the bitter pill
Of un-just officialdom
Which is NOT seldom
No manager may mutter
Query or utter
Discontent in the refs direction
For to commit such an indiscretion
Will see them had up before the FA
Where a fine must be paid
And be sentenced to a touchline ban
For insulting the black clad man
But why should they be protected
And forcibly respected
They are a professional group
And well salaried to boot
They no longer officiate
In their amateur state
Low-tech refereeing
A hobby to be fitted in
Attending the scene of their crime
In their spare time
With no remuneration
For their dedication
No “bread and honey”
Just enough for petrol money
If lucky luncheon vouchers maybe
For a cup of tea
And a pie to warm the soul
Before disallowing a perfectly good goal
It was much better then
With those amateur men
And be able to say to their faces
That they were bloody disgraces
I don’t think we have progressed
Now we have professional refs
They now think themselves important
And no longer want to hear the chant
But I still want to sing with the pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”

ENGLAND COACH - CAPELLO

The new England supremo
Mr Fabio Capello
Plans to take the England team
And fulfill our football dream
To raise English spirits up
And win the next world cup
But it would seem
This is just a silly dream
As the only way Mr Capello
The poor deluded fellow
Will take a team as far
As the finals in South Africa
The only way he can deliver
Is as the German team coach driver

SUMMER SEASON

The summer started oh so well
With a Euro football banquet
Though sadly the home nations
Were unable to attend it
But the Euros inevitably led
To the curse of footie nations
The summer transfer market
And the incessant speculation
After the Euros came Wimbledon
And I cheered on the plucky brit
Then suffered our inclement climate
While being bored by the Cricket
I watched the windblown whingers
Hacking round at the British open
Then courtesy of the highlights
I sat and watched it all again
Then more newspaper talk
Of who will stay and who will go
Who is in and who is out
And more stories about Ronaldo
Two weeks away on the costas
Helped to numb the pain
Then home to more paper talk
And of course more summer rain
Even the upcoming Olympics
Fail to give me inspiration
Thinking of all that track and field
Merely deepens my depression
The only thing to break my torpor
And to rejuvenated my heart
Is to hear that shrill whistle blow
And have the football season start

QUIET PLEASE

If you are a City fan
Keep silent if you can
As you stand at Old Trafford
As silence falls in accord
Please don’t speak out
Please don’t scream or shout
Acknowledge the silence
For those who lived once
Don’t think about the “Babes”
Cold and dead in the carnage
If hatred in your heart and head
Stops you honouring United’s dead
Give your silence as a gift
In remembrance of Frank Swift

THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER

Was it the organisation?
That was to blame
Or profiteering retailers
Perhaps too greedy
Pubs and clubs to liberal?
Uninterested in consequences
A faulty screen was a factor
In the ensuing conflict
But all of the above played a part
So technology caused the spark
And Alcohol fuelled the flames
What began with scuffle and skirmish
Erupted in a volcano of hate
And then the battle commenced
As the angry and the drunk
Rampaged through the city
The police were mobilised
To quell hostilities
But hopelessly out numbered
The had to withdraw
They fell back to regroup
Pursued by packs
Of blue clad animals
In the mêlée
A lone officer, a tail ender
Already wounded by a bottle
Stumbled and fell before his pursuers
They quickly surrounded him
And kicks rained in on him
But amidst this madness, this carnage
A rangers fan, an army man
Hauled the stricken officer to his feet
And dragged him away from the fight
At first stunned the thugs looked on bemused
Then they charged on
Urged on by the soldier
The officer ran muscles burning
But for the soldier propelling him along
The officer would have fallen
Then sanctuary was in sight
A police van sat invitingly
But they must run on
The soldier yelled encouragement
The officer responded
As they reached the police van
The officer was pushed into the back
And a line of yellow coated police
Swarmed onto the attacking rangers phalanx
And in that instant the soldier was gone
Where did he go, the Good Samaritan
Who was he? This saviour
The ex soldier whose humanity
Surpassed his baser instincts
Will we ever know who he was?
Or where he came from
Should we try to find him?
To heap glory on him
Or should we just thank God for him

May 14th 2008
The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

WHO PUT THE GER IN ANGER

Waves of Rangers blue
Relentlessly Attack
Wave upon wave
Push their opponents back

But this valiant effort
This Rangers blue tide
That moved with precision
Pushing opponents aside

Did not happen in the stadium
Nor was a ball at their feet
This game took place
On Manchesters city streets

The Waves of Rangers blue
With alcohol fuelled Fight
Brought to bear upon the police
Their vengeance and their spite

But if during the match
Such passion had been on show
Then the uefa cup
Might have gone to Glasgow

May 14th 2008
The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

GOOD BYE TOMMY

Good bye Tommy
Celtics gentleman
Respected by professionals
Respected by the fans

Good bye Tommy
Celtic servant and friend
A rock and pillar
Until your early end

Good bye Tommy
High in our esteem
The Celtic angels now
Have a new man on the team

Tommy Burns Died May 15th 2008