I DON’T THINK OF YOU AS OLD
I don’t think of you as old
And what I say to everybody
Is you're just a young girl
Trapped in an old ladies body
YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL
You should be more careful
I’ve told you before
Sitting in candlelight
Makes you look like Skeletor
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 2
Don’t be scared of being Forty
Meet the milestone with defiance
You’re no really forty, but eighteen
With twenty two years of experience!
THE PROBLEM WITH LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE
The problem with lying about your age
It’s not the deception you deplore
It’s when they all believe you and
You regret not knocking off some more
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 2
At the age of fifty you're officially
Over the hill, but worse than that
You are partway down the other side
Sorry if that leaves you flat
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 3
Happy fiftieth birthday
I’m sorry but it has to be said
If they were dog years
You’d already be dead
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS A BIT OF A LAD
When I was young I was a bit of a lad
But now life has caught up with me
It used to be wine, women and song
Now it's beer, the old lady and TV
WHY IS IT WHEN TWO PEOPLE MARRY?
Why is it when two people marry?
It is predestined for him
To never remember birthdays
And for her to never forget them
THE BEST YEARS OF A WOMAN'S LIFE
The best years of a woman's life
Are the ones she feels naughty
And it’s those ten special years
Between thirty nine and forty
MILESTONE 60 # 3
I know it’s a big one
But remember this please
Age really isn't important
Unless you are cheese
I’M QUITE A PHILOSOPHICAL PERSON
I’m quite a philosophical person
So I don’t get phased and accept what life gives
So I think Birthdays are good for you;
Because the more you have the longer you live
DON’T FRET ABOUT GETTING OLD
Don’t fret about getting old
Be philosophical instead
Age is really just a number
Old is only in your head
I GOT A DUAL PURPOSE BIRTHDAY CARD
I got a dual purpose birthday card
The intention was well meant
For a person of your advancing years
With its very high fibre content
WELL YOU’VE REACHED AN AGE
Well you’ve reached an age
So have a happy birthday
So now really spoil yourself
And take two naps today
THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARNING
Think about global warning
When you look at your cake
Lighting all those candles
Would be a very big mistake
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 65
STAR STRUCK
A contagion struck down
Quentin Tarantino
Now he’s in the hospital
In a tent in quarantino
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH
Forty is the old age of youth
Which all sounds very sage
Whereas after another decade
Fifty is the youth of old age
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1
You may be 50
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
It’s not as if overnight
You’ve lost your get up and go
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
It is a big number though
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1
You may be 40
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly
Or ache from head to toe
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You do look old though
OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OLD
Of course you're not old
Stop making a fuss
You’ve just been young
Longer than most of us.
MILESTONE 60 # 1
You may be 60
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
Think of it as ripening
Don't think of it as a blow,
You won't suddenly look haggard
That happened long ago
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You are an age though
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Would you like a home cooked meal?
And perhaps a good bottle of wine?
Good I phoned your mother
She said tomorrow at hers is fine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 1
Happy Birthday, mother dear
May all your wishes come true this year
Apart from the one I will not grant
That one that involves me being pregnant
ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR BY ALL MEANS
Enjoy your birthday this year by all means
Don’t do anything embarrassing at the do
After all you don't have quite as much time
Left to live this one down as you used to.
YES OF COURSE YOU'RE TWENTY NINE
Yes of course you're twenty nine
It’s so totally believable
With me being twenty three
I am naturally a little gullible.
I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY
I heard on the grapevine that your birthday
Was cancelled due to lack of aging!
But now I give you a closer look
I can see that they were exaggerating
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 2
Happy birthday, mother dear
But your dreams won’t come true I fear
The one about the ten grandchildren
I’m gay and I thought I’d made that clear
I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY
I understand that getting old today
Can be quite scary, at first anyway
But what's it like now would you say?
MILESTONE 60 # 2
Ok I have to admit it, it’s only fair
I do tend to fall asleep in the chair
But my snoring is really not that bad
Just wait until you’re old like your dad
A contagion struck down
Quentin Tarantino
Now he’s in the hospital
In a tent in quarantino
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH
Forty is the old age of youth
Which all sounds very sage
Whereas after another decade
Fifty is the youth of old age
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1
You may be 50
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
It’s not as if overnight
You’ve lost your get up and go
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
It is a big number though
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1
You may be 40
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly
Or ache from head to toe
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You do look old though
OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OLD
Of course you're not old
Stop making a fuss
You’ve just been young
Longer than most of us.
MILESTONE 60 # 1
You may be 60
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
Think of it as ripening
Don't think of it as a blow,
You won't suddenly look haggard
That happened long ago
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You are an age though
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Would you like a home cooked meal?
And perhaps a good bottle of wine?
Good I phoned your mother
She said tomorrow at hers is fine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 1
Happy Birthday, mother dear
May all your wishes come true this year
Apart from the one I will not grant
That one that involves me being pregnant
ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR BY ALL MEANS
Enjoy your birthday this year by all means
Don’t do anything embarrassing at the do
After all you don't have quite as much time
Left to live this one down as you used to.
YES OF COURSE YOU'RE TWENTY NINE
Yes of course you're twenty nine
It’s so totally believable
With me being twenty three
I am naturally a little gullible.
I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY
I heard on the grapevine that your birthday
Was cancelled due to lack of aging!
But now I give you a closer look
I can see that they were exaggerating
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 2
Happy birthday, mother dear
But your dreams won’t come true I fear
The one about the ten grandchildren
I’m gay and I thought I’d made that clear
I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY
I understand that getting old today
Can be quite scary, at first anyway
But what's it like now would you say?
MILESTONE 60 # 2
Ok I have to admit it, it’s only fair
I do tend to fall asleep in the chair
But my snoring is really not that bad
Just wait until you’re old like your dad
A Little Bit Of Humour # 64
THE LATEST FOOD SCANDAL
The latest food scandal
Has been the subject of scorn
When Veggie burgers were
Found to contain uni quorn
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 17
I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me glum
For example
Hamburgers = Shergars Bum
IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY
“In which direction will the sun rise today?”
At first her question was met with silence
But he explained it always rose in the east
She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”
MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT
My girlfriend got sunburnt
I asked why she didn’t use lotion
She thought she was safe
If her convertible was in motion
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329
Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be extremely embarrassed
By what you find the other two doing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330
If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 331
Needles and pins
Needles and pins
When a man marries
His life begins.
Buttons and bows
Buttons and bows
When she marries
Her workload grows
ARE YOU WEARING A CONTROL BODY?
Are you wearing a control body?
It’s shaped you very well clearly
But what I want to know is
What shape are you really?
PICKUP # 13
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Well Baby I don’t mind saying
The way you wear that frock,
That I'm no Fred Flintstone,
But I could make your Bedrock!”
PICKUP # 14
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey honey I can tell straight away
You’re from Tennessee?
And I know that because
You’re the only ten I see!”
SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH
Since the financial crash, strict conditions
Must be met before a mortgage is allowed
And some form of insurance is required
And men should be well endowed
I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH
I would like to shatter a popular myth
If anyone out there actually cares
It’s in regard to steroids which
Don’t secure the carpet on the stairs
I WAS TOLD ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION WAS
I was told artificial insemination was
When the farmer gave Toro a bit of a pull
Before he does it to the cow instead
But I’m sure that that has to be bull
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF
Contrary to popular belief
In the USA it needs to be said
That a Turbine, is not
What an Arab wears on his head
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
The latest food scandal
Has been the subject of scorn
When Veggie burgers were
Found to contain uni quorn
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 17
I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me glum
For example
Hamburgers = Shergars Bum
IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY
“In which direction will the sun rise today?”
At first her question was met with silence
But he explained it always rose in the east
She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”
MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT
My girlfriend got sunburnt
I asked why she didn’t use lotion
She thought she was safe
If her convertible was in motion
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329
Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be extremely embarrassed
By what you find the other two doing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330
If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 331
Needles and pins
Needles and pins
When a man marries
His life begins.
Buttons and bows
Buttons and bows
When she marries
Her workload grows
ARE YOU WEARING A CONTROL BODY?
Are you wearing a control body?
It’s shaped you very well clearly
But what I want to know is
What shape are you really?
PICKUP # 13
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Well Baby I don’t mind saying
The way you wear that frock,
That I'm no Fred Flintstone,
But I could make your Bedrock!”
PICKUP # 14
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey honey I can tell straight away
You’re from Tennessee?
And I know that because
You’re the only ten I see!”
SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH
Since the financial crash, strict conditions
Must be met before a mortgage is allowed
And some form of insurance is required
And men should be well endowed
I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH
I would like to shatter a popular myth
If anyone out there actually cares
It’s in regard to steroids which
Don’t secure the carpet on the stairs
I WAS TOLD ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION WAS
I was told artificial insemination was
When the farmer gave Toro a bit of a pull
Before he does it to the cow instead
But I’m sure that that has to be bull
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF
Contrary to popular belief
In the USA it needs to be said
That a Turbine, is not
What an Arab wears on his head
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
A Little Bit Of Humour # 63
A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014
Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing
I'VE NEVER REALLY DOUBTED YOUR AGE
I've never really doubted your age
But don’t think of it as old age
You were just born ahead of your time!
Way, way, way ahead of your time
CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE
They all seem to describe you
As classic, genuine and unique
But what they actually mean is
You’re an original vintage antique
I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH
I may have gold teeth
Showing when I grin
I may have silver hair
Which is going thin
I will even confess
That I have bronze skin
But I can say that my pencil
Still has plenty of lead in
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE MARRIAGE IS OVER BETWEEN KEN AND DINAH
The marriage is over between Ken and Dinah
She divorced him for having sex with a minor
But it was not that he practised paedophilia
His lover was a tin miner from St Minver
POSH AND BECKS LOOKALIKES
Posh and Becks lookalikes
Could be their twin
But they go by the name
Of Thick and Thin
MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR
My decision to become a doctor
Even though it helped me burgeon
Raised more than a few eyebrows
But then I am a plastic surgeon
ARE YOU WEARING A BOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a boob tube?
It’s not to my own personal taste
Mainly because I suppose
You’re wearing it around your waist
HOMO ERECTUS
When I get up in the morning gloom
I head straight for the bathroom
Although as I emerge from my coma
Straight is perhaps a misnomer
As I begin in a dwarf like state
Like a prehistoric primate
Becoming upright when I can
So I look like the evolution of man
MORAL DILEMMA
Two men were discussing moral issues
Surrounding the dating game
“I didn't sleep with my wife before
We got married” one explained
“Did you?” he asked the other
“I don’t know, what was her name?”
CHIRRUPING CRICKETS
Chirruping Crickets
Foxes in the thicket
With croaking frogs
And barking dogs
Screeching bats
And yowling cats
We left the ugly city
For peaceful and pretty
Well the country life
Is nothing but strife
FEARFUL BEASTS
I stood stock still and
Feared for my nadgers
When in the presence
Of the honey badgers
HORSE MEAT BURGERS
Horse meat burgers
Are healthier by far
They’re lower in fat
But high in Shergar
ECONOMICAL WITH THE TRUTH
She tells everyone
She’s not even thirty
She’s cute and curvy
Flirty and quirky
Hot and spicy
Pert and perky
A little bit saucy
A little bit dirty
But she must be
Five and thirty
PICKUP # 12
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey baby did you clean
Your pants with Glass Gem?
Because I can practically
See myself in them”
Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing
I'VE NEVER REALLY DOUBTED YOUR AGE
I've never really doubted your age
But don’t think of it as old age
You were just born ahead of your time!
Way, way, way ahead of your time
CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE
They all seem to describe you
As classic, genuine and unique
But what they actually mean is
You’re an original vintage antique
I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH
I may have gold teeth
Showing when I grin
I may have silver hair
Which is going thin
I will even confess
That I have bronze skin
But I can say that my pencil
Still has plenty of lead in
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE MARRIAGE IS OVER BETWEEN KEN AND DINAH
The marriage is over between Ken and Dinah
She divorced him for having sex with a minor
But it was not that he practised paedophilia
His lover was a tin miner from St Minver
POSH AND BECKS LOOKALIKES
Posh and Becks lookalikes
Could be their twin
But they go by the name
Of Thick and Thin
MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR
My decision to become a doctor
Even though it helped me burgeon
Raised more than a few eyebrows
But then I am a plastic surgeon
ARE YOU WEARING A BOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a boob tube?
It’s not to my own personal taste
Mainly because I suppose
You’re wearing it around your waist
HOMO ERECTUS
When I get up in the morning gloom
I head straight for the bathroom
Although as I emerge from my coma
Straight is perhaps a misnomer
As I begin in a dwarf like state
Like a prehistoric primate
Becoming upright when I can
So I look like the evolution of man
MORAL DILEMMA
Two men were discussing moral issues
Surrounding the dating game
“I didn't sleep with my wife before
We got married” one explained
“Did you?” he asked the other
“I don’t know, what was her name?”
CHIRRUPING CRICKETS
Chirruping Crickets
Foxes in the thicket
With croaking frogs
And barking dogs
Screeching bats
And yowling cats
We left the ugly city
For peaceful and pretty
Well the country life
Is nothing but strife
FEARFUL BEASTS
I stood stock still and
Feared for my nadgers
When in the presence
Of the honey badgers
HORSE MEAT BURGERS
Horse meat burgers
Are healthier by far
They’re lower in fat
But high in Shergar
ECONOMICAL WITH THE TRUTH
She tells everyone
She’s not even thirty
She’s cute and curvy
Flirty and quirky
Hot and spicy
Pert and perky
A little bit saucy
A little bit dirty
But she must be
Five and thirty
PICKUP # 12
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey baby did you clean
Your pants with Glass Gem?
Because I can practically
See myself in them”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 62
THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014
Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no
ROSE HIT VIOLET
Rose hit Violet
Right in the kisser
He has a big mouth
So Rose couldn’t miss her
A MAN WAS TALKING TO AN ACQUAINTANCE
A man was talking to an acquaintance
About the level of maintenance
Required on the average dwelling
Guttering, painting and gardening
The list was endless on their houses
And they admired the work of their spouses
MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT
My husband has lost the plot
It’s the worst he’s been so far
He tried to change the TV
Channel with a chocolate bar
PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"
Playing "colonel bogey"
I hear the chimes call
Come get an ice cream
Come one and come all
Nothing says it quite like
"Hitler has only got one ball".
MULTITASKING MRS
If women are so good at Multitasking
And men’s failure to is such a crime
Why can’t my wife answer a question?
And watch Corrie at the same time
MY WIFE CAN MULTITASK
My wife can multitask
And here’s the reason and rhyme
She can only multitask
If she does one job at a time
ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS
One of the teams at the Olympics
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper
DID YOU JUST FALL FROM HEAVEN?
“Did you just fall from heaven?”
He asked flattering her just a bit
Yes she replied “I fell from heaven
Then I landed on another soft shit?”
ARE YOU WEARING A MOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a moob tube?
Well I can’t think what else it could be
Why would you be wearing a life belt?
When we’re seventy miles from the sea
ONLY LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE
Only lie about your age,
In the event of an emergency
For example when you are asked
How old you are sweetie
AT MY ADVANCED AGE
At my advanced age
I've seen it all
I've heard it all
And I’ve done it all
The only problem is
I can remember bugger all
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON
Someone said to me that
Inside every older person
There is a young person.
But isn’t that cannibalism?
ARE YOU WEARING A SHROUD?
Are you wearing a shroud?
Well I think you should be
Because I think you look like
Death warmed up to me
THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS
There are only two options
In my personal view
So what do you want to do?
You can either continue
To get older or you can die
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
And enjoy your birthday do
PICKUP # 11
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
And you know how they say
The skin is the largest organ?
Not in my case, by a long way”
Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no
ROSE HIT VIOLET
Rose hit Violet
Right in the kisser
He has a big mouth
So Rose couldn’t miss her
A MAN WAS TALKING TO AN ACQUAINTANCE
A man was talking to an acquaintance
About the level of maintenance
Required on the average dwelling
Guttering, painting and gardening
The list was endless on their houses
And they admired the work of their spouses
MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT
My husband has lost the plot
It’s the worst he’s been so far
He tried to change the TV
Channel with a chocolate bar
PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"
Playing "colonel bogey"
I hear the chimes call
Come get an ice cream
Come one and come all
Nothing says it quite like
"Hitler has only got one ball".
MULTITASKING MRS
If women are so good at Multitasking
And men’s failure to is such a crime
Why can’t my wife answer a question?
And watch Corrie at the same time
MY WIFE CAN MULTITASK
My wife can multitask
And here’s the reason and rhyme
She can only multitask
If she does one job at a time
ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS
One of the teams at the Olympics
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper
DID YOU JUST FALL FROM HEAVEN?
“Did you just fall from heaven?”
He asked flattering her just a bit
Yes she replied “I fell from heaven
Then I landed on another soft shit?”
ARE YOU WEARING A MOOB TUBE?
Are you wearing a moob tube?
Well I can’t think what else it could be
Why would you be wearing a life belt?
When we’re seventy miles from the sea
ONLY LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE
Only lie about your age,
In the event of an emergency
For example when you are asked
How old you are sweetie
AT MY ADVANCED AGE
At my advanced age
I've seen it all
I've heard it all
And I’ve done it all
The only problem is
I can remember bugger all
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON
Someone said to me that
Inside every older person
There is a young person.
But isn’t that cannibalism?
ARE YOU WEARING A SHROUD?
Are you wearing a shroud?
Well I think you should be
Because I think you look like
Death warmed up to me
THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS
There are only two options
In my personal view
So what do you want to do?
You can either continue
To get older or you can die
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
And enjoy your birthday do
PICKUP # 11
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
And you know how they say
The skin is the largest organ?
Not in my case, by a long way”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 61
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 4
You've reached a milestone
A really significant age
You've joined the over 40's
You have turned a new page
So happy birthday darling
I hope you enjoy your surprise
Because now you’re forty
Your age matches your bust size
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 5
You've reached the big four-0
You're getting old and so
It’s time for you to take it slow
It may not be what you wished
But make up for what you’ve missed
Grab a bottle and then get pissed
I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE THIRTY
I would never have known you were thirty
You're not at all like a thirty year old
You are very youthful in many ways
But the giveaway, if I may be bold
Was not your youthful appearance at all
Your taste in music was your downfall
MILESTONE 60 # 6
Your body is showing signs of wear
But you're still young at heart
And you’re in good shape to be fair
It’s hard to tell that you’re an old fart
AGEING IS LIKE FINE WINE
Ageing is like fine wine
It gets better with age
But in your case
It was corked at some stage
A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR
A man walked into a crowded bar
With a loaded gun and shouted
"Who’s been shagging my sister?”
In case his intent was doubted
He raised the gun and took aim
And fired the gun to demonstrate
A lone voice shouted from the back
"You don't have enough bullets mate"
DON’T SEE GROWING OLD AS A NEGATIVE
Don’t see growing old as a negative
Ageing is like fine wine so
It gets better with age,
But you’ve got some way to go
MY SON HAD A EUREKA MOMENT
My son had a eureka moment
And I was quite impressed
He discovered that the volume knob
Could also turn to the left
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BEST SUIT?
Are you wearing your best suit?
Well I am surprised at it to be true
Because you’re now at an age when
Your back goes out more than you do.
GREY HAIR IS NOT A GLORIOUS CROWN
Grey hair is not a glorious crown
Worn by a righteous life
But an unwillingness to buy dye
On the part of my wife
MY WIFE ASKED IF HER APPENDIX SCAR
My wife asked if her appendix scar
Made her look unattractive, a bit
I was quick to dispel any misgivings
She might have in regard to it
And uttered the reassuring words
"Don’t worry love, your tits cover it"
MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN
My wife was being a drama queen and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus
And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable
And God did she ever make a fuss
I DON’T DO BANANAS
I don’t do bananas and I don’t do dates
She announced to everyone
Which immediately begged the question
Then what do you do for fun?
SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014
Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food
ROSES ARE VIOLET
Roses are Violet
Violets are Lilac
Lilacs are Roses
And she wants then back
PICKUP # 10
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
Would you like some medical fun?
There are 206 bones in the human body,
Do you want another one?”
You've reached a milestone
A really significant age
You've joined the over 40's
You have turned a new page
So happy birthday darling
I hope you enjoy your surprise
Because now you’re forty
Your age matches your bust size
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 5
You've reached the big four-0
You're getting old and so
It’s time for you to take it slow
It may not be what you wished
But make up for what you’ve missed
Grab a bottle and then get pissed
I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE THIRTY
I would never have known you were thirty
You're not at all like a thirty year old
You are very youthful in many ways
But the giveaway, if I may be bold
Was not your youthful appearance at all
Your taste in music was your downfall
MILESTONE 60 # 6
Your body is showing signs of wear
But you're still young at heart
And you’re in good shape to be fair
It’s hard to tell that you’re an old fart
AGEING IS LIKE FINE WINE
Ageing is like fine wine
It gets better with age
But in your case
It was corked at some stage
A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR
A man walked into a crowded bar
With a loaded gun and shouted
"Who’s been shagging my sister?”
In case his intent was doubted
He raised the gun and took aim
And fired the gun to demonstrate
A lone voice shouted from the back
"You don't have enough bullets mate"
DON’T SEE GROWING OLD AS A NEGATIVE
Don’t see growing old as a negative
Ageing is like fine wine so
It gets better with age,
But you’ve got some way to go
MY SON HAD A EUREKA MOMENT
My son had a eureka moment
And I was quite impressed
He discovered that the volume knob
Could also turn to the left
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BEST SUIT?
Are you wearing your best suit?
Well I am surprised at it to be true
Because you’re now at an age when
Your back goes out more than you do.
GREY HAIR IS NOT A GLORIOUS CROWN
Grey hair is not a glorious crown
Worn by a righteous life
But an unwillingness to buy dye
On the part of my wife
MY WIFE ASKED IF HER APPENDIX SCAR
My wife asked if her appendix scar
Made her look unattractive, a bit
I was quick to dispel any misgivings
She might have in regard to it
And uttered the reassuring words
"Don’t worry love, your tits cover it"
MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN
My wife was being a drama queen and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus
And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable
And God did she ever make a fuss
I DON’T DO BANANAS
I don’t do bananas and I don’t do dates
She announced to everyone
Which immediately begged the question
Then what do you do for fun?
SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014
Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food
ROSES ARE VIOLET
Roses are Violet
Violets are Lilac
Lilacs are Roses
And she wants then back
PICKUP # 10
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
Would you like some medical fun?
There are 206 bones in the human body,
Do you want another one?”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 60
YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 1
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
That they act like a hi-vis vest
When you go out at night
YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 2
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
Is it because you run them thru
The dishwasher at night
I’D LOVE A SECOND HONEYMOON
“I’d love a second honeymoon”
His wife said to him
He replied “what a good idea,
Who will you go with then?”
HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER
He was a serious swimmer
And was in the pool constantly
But his progress was halted
In his lane, by an elderly lady
“How long must I wait?” he asked
She replied “until I finish my pee”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 1
She was an old lonely widow
Oft overlooked to be fare
When an elderly friend
Saw her standing there
And walked up behind her
And got his hands on her pair
“Guess who?” The old man said
She replied “I don’t care”
RAMBLING
My wife suddenly announced
“I’ve decided to become a rambler”
Now was that walking or talking
An even money bet for a gambler
MY WIFE HAS WOMEN’S INTUITION
My wife has women’s intuition
So well-tuned is her technique
That she knows I’m wrong
Even before I manage to speak
THESE AREN’T WRINKLES
“These aren’t wrinkles” she said
“They’re laughter lines honey”
I said “I didn’t hear the joke,
But it must have been really funny”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 2
She was an old lonely widow
Who you’d only bed for a bet
So she kept filling his glass
Periodically asking “Am I sexy yet?”
HIS MOUSTACHE WAS SO UNTIDY
His moustache was so untidy
It was quite difficult to see
Exactly where it grows,
On his lip or from his nose
THE MAN-O-GRAM
I left the county hospital
In some considerable distress
They made me put my todger
Inside a bloody trouser press
WHEN I WALKED INTO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE
When I walked into my friend’s house
I can’t describe the mess I found
I thought it had been burgled, but
His grandchildren had been round
WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM
When I walked into the room
I can’t describe the mess
I thought it had been burgled
It’s because he’s a student I guess
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014
Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players
VIOLET HIT ROSE
Violet hit Rose
Square on the nose
She lost the plot
And Rose cried a lot
Noses have bled
Eyes they are red
Violet you’re blue
But what did I do?
PICKUP # 9
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“You work at subway,
If I’m not wrong”
“And I know that because
You just gave me a footlong”
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
That they act like a hi-vis vest
When you go out at night
YOU HAVE A REALLY DAZZLING SMILE # 2
You have a really dazzling smile
But teeth shouldn’t be that white
Is it because you run them thru
The dishwasher at night
I’D LOVE A SECOND HONEYMOON
“I’d love a second honeymoon”
His wife said to him
He replied “what a good idea,
Who will you go with then?”
HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER
He was a serious swimmer
And was in the pool constantly
But his progress was halted
In his lane, by an elderly lady
“How long must I wait?” he asked
She replied “until I finish my pee”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 1
She was an old lonely widow
Oft overlooked to be fare
When an elderly friend
Saw her standing there
And walked up behind her
And got his hands on her pair
“Guess who?” The old man said
She replied “I don’t care”
RAMBLING
My wife suddenly announced
“I’ve decided to become a rambler”
Now was that walking or talking
An even money bet for a gambler
MY WIFE HAS WOMEN’S INTUITION
My wife has women’s intuition
So well-tuned is her technique
That she knows I’m wrong
Even before I manage to speak
THESE AREN’T WRINKLES
“These aren’t wrinkles” she said
“They’re laughter lines honey”
I said “I didn’t hear the joke,
But it must have been really funny”
SHE WAS AN OLD LONELY WIDOW # 2
She was an old lonely widow
Who you’d only bed for a bet
So she kept filling his glass
Periodically asking “Am I sexy yet?”
HIS MOUSTACHE WAS SO UNTIDY
His moustache was so untidy
It was quite difficult to see
Exactly where it grows,
On his lip or from his nose
THE MAN-O-GRAM
I left the county hospital
In some considerable distress
They made me put my todger
Inside a bloody trouser press
WHEN I WALKED INTO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE
When I walked into my friend’s house
I can’t describe the mess I found
I thought it had been burgled, but
His grandchildren had been round
WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM
When I walked into the room
I can’t describe the mess
I thought it had been burgled
It’s because he’s a student I guess
AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014
Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players
VIOLET HIT ROSE
Violet hit Rose
Square on the nose
She lost the plot
And Rose cried a lot
Noses have bled
Eyes they are red
Violet you’re blue
But what did I do?
PICKUP # 9
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“You work at subway,
If I’m not wrong”
“And I know that because
You just gave me a footlong”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 59
HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014
England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort
ROSES ARE BLUE
Roses are Blue
I can see them on view
Rose you are red
Was it something I said?
MILESTONE 60 # 5
Wow you look good for your age
And it was hard for me to gauge
But what proves you are an old man
Is that you’re a Jim Reeves fan
ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?
Are you wearing grownup clothes?
No! My youth is not done
Growing up is for trees
I’ll stay young and have fun
ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?
Are you wearing adult clothes?
Growing up is such a crime
I know you are only young once,
But you can be immature for a lifetime
MILESTONE 70 # 1
If I'd realised I was going
To live beyond my sixties
I'd have taken better care
Of myself in the sixties
I CONCENTRATE, EVERY SECOND
I concentrate, every second
I can never slack
Once my dad let his mind wander,
And it never came back
MILESTONE 70 # 2
You gain knowledge, dignity
Tolerance and serenity
As you get older without a doubt
And then your teeth fall out.
ARE YOU WEARING OLD MAN CLOTHES?
Are you wearing old man clothes?
Why for pity sake old pal
Growing old is mandatory.
But growing up is optional
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES?
Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Do something old
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?
Are you wearing your birthday suit?
This will probably be, old lad
Your best birthday ever
With all the practice you've had
I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM
I find modern living hard to fathom
As life throws up unlikely pairs
For few women admit their age
And even fewer men act theirs
FORGETFUL
I forget names; I forget faces;
I even forget to zip up my fly
But by far the worst thing
Is forgetting to unzip your fly
THE SILVER VOTERS
The nations older aged voters
Are not that easy to impress
Because as you grow older
You stand for more and fall for less
ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?
Are you wearing custodial wear?
And that must be three days
You must stop thinking about prisons
Your mind works in Strangeways
England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort
ROSES ARE BLUE
Roses are Blue
I can see them on view
Rose you are red
Was it something I said?
MILESTONE 60 # 5
Wow you look good for your age
And it was hard for me to gauge
But what proves you are an old man
Is that you’re a Jim Reeves fan
ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?
Are you wearing grownup clothes?
No! My youth is not done
Growing up is for trees
I’ll stay young and have fun
ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?
Are you wearing adult clothes?
Growing up is such a crime
I know you are only young once,
But you can be immature for a lifetime
MILESTONE 70 # 1
If I'd realised I was going
To live beyond my sixties
I'd have taken better care
Of myself in the sixties
I CONCENTRATE, EVERY SECOND
I concentrate, every second
I can never slack
Once my dad let his mind wander,
And it never came back
MILESTONE 70 # 2
You gain knowledge, dignity
Tolerance and serenity
As you get older without a doubt
And then your teeth fall out.
ARE YOU WEARING OLD MAN CLOTHES?
Are you wearing old man clothes?
Why for pity sake old pal
Growing old is mandatory.
But growing up is optional
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES?
Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Do something old
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?
Are you wearing your birthday suit?
This will probably be, old lad
Your best birthday ever
With all the practice you've had
I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM
I find modern living hard to fathom
As life throws up unlikely pairs
For few women admit their age
And even fewer men act theirs
FORGETFUL
I forget names; I forget faces;
I even forget to zip up my fly
But by far the worst thing
Is forgetting to unzip your fly
THE SILVER VOTERS
The nations older aged voters
Are not that easy to impress
Because as you grow older
You stand for more and fall for less
ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?
Are you wearing custodial wear?
And that must be three days
You must stop thinking about prisons
Your mind works in Strangeways
A Little Bit Of Humour # 58
ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014
There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit
ROSES ARE RED
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Show us your tatt
I bet it’s a beauty.
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO
Roast potato
New potato
Boiled potato
Sure
Mashed potato
Waffled potato
Baked potato
More
Wedges with dips
Hash browns and Chips
You should eat your fill
Of the Dublin mixed grill
THE EVOLUTION OF MAN
From good boy
To a nice kid
A promising start
Then from a great guy
To a fine man
And finally an old fart
YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME
You're not really old, though
You are passed your prime
But you’ve not been young
For a very, very long time
WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM
With old age comes wisdom
Which is enlightening
And we learn to avoid
Things that maybe frightening
Like choosing candlelight
Instead of fluorescent lighting
DON’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE
Don’t play second fiddle
Don’t be a mistress, be a wife
You must always be
The leading lady in your own life
UNDER ANY CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCE
Under any conceivable circumstance
I wouldn’t hesitate to admit
I would much rather be over the hill
Than find myself under it
MY GRANDDAD WAS WONDERFUL
My Granddad was wonderful
He always smiled and never frowned
He’d always have a treat for me
He was Father Christmas all year round
OLD GEEZER FOR SALE
50 year old,
Needs TLC, well used
One previous owner
No reasonable offer refused
I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE
I doubt it but if it’s actually true,
And it’s not an exaggeration,
And things do get better with age
Then I must have reached perfection
IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE
In the nineties we all loved to dance along to
Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”
Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got
Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 3
You’re forty years old
Which is when, they say
Life begins for you
On that most special day
But if you drink too much
You will certainly pay
Because now you’re old
You’ll be hungover all day
THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
The young beautiful people
Think they are acts of nature,
But the beautiful old people
Know they’re works of art for sure
MILESTONE 60 # 4
I don’t want you to think that today
I think of you as a little older
I wouldn’t think that on your birthday
Actually I think of you as a lot older
There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit
ROSES ARE RED
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Show us your tatt
I bet it’s a beauty.
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO
Roast potato
New potato
Boiled potato
Sure
Mashed potato
Waffled potato
Baked potato
More
Wedges with dips
Hash browns and Chips
You should eat your fill
Of the Dublin mixed grill
THE EVOLUTION OF MAN
From good boy
To a nice kid
A promising start
Then from a great guy
To a fine man
And finally an old fart
YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME
You're not really old, though
You are passed your prime
But you’ve not been young
For a very, very long time
WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM
With old age comes wisdom
Which is enlightening
And we learn to avoid
Things that maybe frightening
Like choosing candlelight
Instead of fluorescent lighting
DON’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE
Don’t play second fiddle
Don’t be a mistress, be a wife
You must always be
The leading lady in your own life
UNDER ANY CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCE
Under any conceivable circumstance
I wouldn’t hesitate to admit
I would much rather be over the hill
Than find myself under it
MY GRANDDAD WAS WONDERFUL
My Granddad was wonderful
He always smiled and never frowned
He’d always have a treat for me
He was Father Christmas all year round
OLD GEEZER FOR SALE
50 year old,
Needs TLC, well used
One previous owner
No reasonable offer refused
I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE
I doubt it but if it’s actually true,
And it’s not an exaggeration,
And things do get better with age
Then I must have reached perfection
IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE
In the nineties we all loved to dance along to
Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”
Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got
Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 3
You’re forty years old
Which is when, they say
Life begins for you
On that most special day
But if you drink too much
You will certainly pay
Because now you’re old
You’ll be hungover all day
THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
The young beautiful people
Think they are acts of nature,
But the beautiful old people
Know they’re works of art for sure
MILESTONE 60 # 4
I don’t want you to think that today
I think of you as a little older
I wouldn’t think that on your birthday
Actually I think of you as a lot older
A Little Bit Of Humour # 57
ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014
You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A
THE DIVORCE COURT JUDGE SAID
The divorce Court Judge said “Mr. Curtis,
I have decided to give your wife £500 a week”
“That’s very fair, your honour,' Mr Curtis said
“I can manage a few quid myself at a squeak”
WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES
We were shopping for holiday clothes
And we were very nearly done
When my wife reached the swimwear
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”
'You will never get it all in one”
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER
The graveside service was over,
When there was a clap of thunder,
Followed by a bolt of lightning,
Then a louder clap of thunder
The old man turned and said
“Well she’s arrived then Vicar”
DARLING LET ME JUST SAY THIS
Darling let me just say this
For your future information
If you expect me to follow
The flow of the conversation
Then you must at least try
Whenever possible, please say
Whatever you have to say
During the commercials, ok?
LISTEN I AM NOT A MIND READER
Listen I am not a mind reader
And I never will be to be fare
But if I ask you what is wrong
My lack of mind-reading skills
Does not prove that I don’t care
IF I ASK YOU WHAT IS WRONG
If I ask you what is wrong
And you reply “nothing’s wrong”
I will act as if nothing’s wrong
Even though I know you are lying
I will not continue prying
It’s just not worth the hassle trying
IF YOU ASK A QUESTION
If you ask a question, you
Don’t want an answer to,
Then to be perfectly clear
Expect an answer you don't want to hear
IF SOMETHING I SAID, CAN BE
If something I said, can be
Interpreted two ways, and one
Of the ways makes you sad or angry,
I meant the other one
WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE
When we have to go somewhere,
Then absolutely anything, to be fair
Is honestly fine for you wear
BEER AND FOOTBALL
Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really
I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER
I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
So he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"
AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER
An unsuspecting pensioner
Was approached by a professional begger
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself dear," she says
YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE
You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother
BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014
The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”
You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A
THE DIVORCE COURT JUDGE SAID
The divorce Court Judge said “Mr. Curtis,
I have decided to give your wife £500 a week”
“That’s very fair, your honour,' Mr Curtis said
“I can manage a few quid myself at a squeak”
WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES
We were shopping for holiday clothes
And we were very nearly done
When my wife reached the swimwear
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”
'You will never get it all in one”
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER
The graveside service was over,
When there was a clap of thunder,
Followed by a bolt of lightning,
Then a louder clap of thunder
The old man turned and said
“Well she’s arrived then Vicar”
DARLING LET ME JUST SAY THIS
Darling let me just say this
For your future information
If you expect me to follow
The flow of the conversation
Then you must at least try
Whenever possible, please say
Whatever you have to say
During the commercials, ok?
LISTEN I AM NOT A MIND READER
Listen I am not a mind reader
And I never will be to be fare
But if I ask you what is wrong
My lack of mind-reading skills
Does not prove that I don’t care
IF I ASK YOU WHAT IS WRONG
If I ask you what is wrong
And you reply “nothing’s wrong”
I will act as if nothing’s wrong
Even though I know you are lying
I will not continue prying
It’s just not worth the hassle trying
IF YOU ASK A QUESTION
If you ask a question, you
Don’t want an answer to,
Then to be perfectly clear
Expect an answer you don't want to hear
IF SOMETHING I SAID, CAN BE
If something I said, can be
Interpreted two ways, and one
Of the ways makes you sad or angry,
I meant the other one
WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE
When we have to go somewhere,
Then absolutely anything, to be fair
Is honestly fine for you wear
BEER AND FOOTBALL
Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really
I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER
I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
So he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"
AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER
An unsuspecting pensioner
Was approached by a professional begger
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself dear," she says
YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE
You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother
BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014
The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 56
SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 2
She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur
AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST
After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine
I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING
I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter
ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck
THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR
The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize
ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?
Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished
IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME
It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet
It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan
MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION
My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell
WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?
“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”
THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR
The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”
AIRPORT AIRHEAD
Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone
AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD
An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”
THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE
There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit
A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY
A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”
She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur
AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST
After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine
I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING
I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter
ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck
THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR
The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize
ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?
Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished
IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME
It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet
It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan
MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION
My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell
WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?
“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”
THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR
The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”
AIRPORT AIRHEAD
Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone
AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD
An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”
THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE
There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit
A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY
A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”
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