SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 2
She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur
AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST
After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine
I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING
I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter
ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck
THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR
The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize
ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?
Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished
IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME
It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet
It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet
A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED
A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan
MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION
My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell
WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?
“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”
THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR
The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”
AIRPORT AIRHEAD
Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone
AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD
An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”
THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE
There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit
A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY
A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”
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