A CHRISTMAS SELECTION # 4

CHRISTMAS HOLLY

Christmas Holly
Evergreen tree
Christmas Holly
Leaves are prickly
Cut fresh Holly
Full of red berries
Help to make
The season merry

KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL

Keep Christmas well
Embrace its spirit
Feel its warmth and joy
Hold it in your heart
And keep its embers alight
Carry it with you
From one year to the next
So it will never end

CRIMBO

Bunting and frolic
Candles and smells
Garlands and gaiety
Baubles and bells
The holly and the ivy
Sprigs of mistletoe
Cookies and eggnog
Have a happy Crimbo

WITH EXPECTANT FACES FULL OF SMILES

With expectant faces full of smiles
The children sit around the tree
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
And wondering “What’s Santa got for me”

Eagerly the children sit by the tree
Their expectant smiling faces all aglow
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
On the moment when Nan says “go”

FAMILY CHRISTMASES

When I think back to those Christmases
I and my brothers and sisters shared
And all the love that filled the house
When no other time quite compared

I realized just how lucky we all were
Lucky we had a family that truly cared
Who gave us love and now that I am older
I make sure that love is liberally shared

WARM MEMORIES OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Warm memories
Of the holiday season
Moments of joy‚
To be forever treasured
Prayers of peace
One day to be answered
These are the gifts
I wish for us all

GRANMA JOY

I have happy memories to cherish
At my Grans when I was a boy
Her heart was so full of love
She filled the house with joy

Garlands, Balloons and bells
Hung from every beam and rafter
She made it joyful for us all
The house rang with her laughter

It was such a joyous time
I wish I could cross the years
To once more see her smile
Just thinking about her cheers

ITS NOT JUST PRESENTS

Its not just presents
That must be opened
As another Christmas starts

As well as all the gifts
We must try to open
Closed minds and hearts

CHRISTMAS TIP

If you want next Christmas
To be happy and merry
Then insure the Christmas card
You send to your sister Kerry
Has sufficient postage
And arrives before January

CHRISTMAS BUSH

The Christmas bush
Is Australian obviously
And isn’t really a bush at all
It’s in fact a shrub or tree
With red flowers for selection
As Christmas decoration

The True Meaning Of Christmas

THE BEST PRESENTS CANNOT BE BOUGHT

The best presents cannot be bought
There is no mall where they can be sought
But if you have sufficiently striven
The best present can be easily given
It resides in you, channelled from above
That most wondrous gift of eternal love

THE BLESSED SEASON

God richly blesses us
The Good Lord fulfils us
And bestows love upon us
This and every Christmas

BELLS AND SMELLS

Bells and smells
Bells and smells
Christmas all the way
Oh what fun it is to sing
Of the holy Christmas day

GLIDING IN DESCENT

Gliding in descent
On gossamer wings
The angel of the lord
Rejoicing sings
A child is born
The king of kings

THE CHURCH BELLS RING OUT

The church bells ring out
The Christmas chimes
The congregation sings out
The Christmas rhymes
So lift up your hearts
And join the joyous throng
And sing heartily to the lord
A joyous Christmas song

CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS

Throughout this seasonal time
Blessings come to us each day
The trick is to recognise them
So as not to turn them away

WHEN THE CAROLLERS SING

When the carollers sing
Their Christmas verses
Open up your hearts
And open up your purses

PRAYERS WERE SUNG

Prayers were sung
To the Heavens high
Then the angel told
The messiah was nigh
And a light of peace
Entered men’s hearts
Love filled the world
To herald a new start

THE GREAT STAR OF LIGHT

The great star of light
Graced the nativity
Where the holy family,
Mary and her child
And the Noble Joseph
Dwelt in the humble stall

The beasts in the stable
The Kings of the east
And shepherds from the hill
Witnessed the gift of love
Given by a gracious God
To the sinful world

THE HERALDS OF THE LORD

The heralds of the lord
Sung in one accord
Speaking of a child
So meek and mild
A halo on its curls
A gift to the world
A beacon in the night
Exuding loving light

Christmas Humour # 6

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4

I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list

THE LATE CHRISTMAS CARD

The etiquette for Christmas cards
Is simple, you just have to remember
If you cant get it there for the day
Make sure it still arrives in December

THE GIFT I MOST WANTED

The gift I most wanted
Was the sweetest girl
With a generous heart
A smile to banish darkness
And a warm and tender soul
To make all of my
Christmas dreams come true
But it wasn’t to be
Because I ended up with you

CRIMBLE LUST

I have a large bunch of mistletoe
And you are on my Christmas list
But I will carefully pick my moment
I don’t want to do it when you’re pissed
Because with my bunch of mistletoe
I want you to know that you’ve been kissed

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
With out my credit card

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

Stab me in the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkeys arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Theres no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS

Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas
You fill me with cheer
When I see you dressed
In all your Christmas gear

You look so tinsellicious
In the red velvet dress
With stockings to match
And I would like to stress

That I am looking forward
To seeing the silk underwear
And let’s not forget about
The little bit of white fur

Christmas Humour # 5

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping
I kept the kids home from school today
Because if I’d gone on my own
I’d have gotten the wrong sizes, so hey

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely its self evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well there’s no evidence yet
But ask yourself if a man
Would choose to wear red velvet

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

I've always loved my Santa
But you might find this shocking
I’ve never loved him more
Than when his hand is on my stocking

PERSISTENT AND DISRUPTIVE WINDS

Persistent and disruptive winds,
There seems to be no doubts,
Are predicted after Christmas
And it will probably be the Sprouts

A VEGETARIAN CHRISTMAS

Do you want to celebrate?
A vegetarian Christmas
Then here you are
Have a freshly strained
Vegetable every day
With the advent colander

THE COUNCIL CHRISTMAS TREE

The council Christmas tree is dressed
And the lights were switched on in June
But don’t get yourself unduly distressed
With energy saving lights it’s not too soon
Because you must switch them on remember
So they are warmed up by December

IT’S SUCH A MILD CHRISTMAS

It’s such a mild Christmas
All the birds are singing noisily
Normally in December
They’re all frozen to a tree

MY VERY WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

My very worst Christmas ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
For hours of innocent ex-box fun

ADIOS FRIEND

My Christmas wish for you,
My friend is a simple one
Have a happy time in the cold
I’m jetting off to the sun

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we could’ve been happy

I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed

Christmas Humour # 4

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 3

I kept Billie home from school
For Christmas shopping
Doing it during school time
When the malls are empty

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 6

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well would that be so shocking
I mean if it were left to a man
And I don’t mean to be mocking
But are really more interested
In a very different stocking

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 2

My worst Christmas present ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
Really tatty and really not fun

When I complained to my dad
And declared it worse than socks
He said I should be more grateful
To receive my very own ex-box

To make things so much worse
My dad thought it was quite nifty
If you then spun the box around
To make an ex-box 360

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 2

I've always loved my Santa
In his red Santa hat
With his cheerful demeanour
All hearty and fat
With his belly that wobbles
Like a bowl full of jelly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Nelly

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But I’ll fill you with joy
If you’ll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought you’d be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then you’re not a sure thing?
And you don’t swing?
No please don’t go home yet
I’m the best offer you’ll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

We listen at 3pm on Christmas day
To hear what the Queen has to say
While for those of a Republican bent
An alternative is just a click away

SOAP TRADITION

Christmas is all about traditions
But they evolve across the years
Some fall from favour all together
Then new ones seem to appear

This is certainly the case
Of one of the more recent traditions
To the familiar Christmas fare
The TV soaps festive additions

This is when the tired old plot line
That’s simmered away since June
Suddenly explodes in your face
And not a moment too soon

A SIMPLE GIFT

I’m hoping that this Christmas
I will get what I desire
I’m not that easy to please
I don’t ridiculously aspire

I don’t want the moon and stars
Or diamonds or pearls
Some perfume or cosmetics will do
I’m not one of those greedy girls

I just want something for me
Just a small thing, for me this year
But as always it will be something
For the house from IKEA

CHRISTMAS EVE AT THE HOSTELRY

The local hostelries are full
As they approach the brink
And raise their glasses high
For yet another festive drink
The season roundly toasted
Measured by each glasses chink
The next morning’s celebration
Will be a silent one I think

MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME

I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has made it clear to me,
Until late on Christmas Eve
For my Christmas won’t be merry
If all she gets is cheap perfume
And more slutty lingerie

MITHRAS

Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we can remember
And the festival was held
Towards the end of December

Thank God it’s been replaced
By the festival of Christmas
Otherwise we’d have to wish
Everyone a merry Mithras

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 42) Christmas Bizarre

It was about 10.30 on Saturday morning when Pandy had finished having her way with me for the second time that day.
We had discovered soon after her first salacious advances were rendered that we were snowed in which meant we would be spending another night.
While Pandora availed herself of the spa I trudged off into the village, about a mile from the hotel, in order to try and purchase some replacement clothing, in particular socks and pants, I wasn’t that hopeful.
When I left Bushy Down I was only expecting to be gone for the day.
Pandora on the other hand, the sneaky bint, having planned to kidnap me and take advantage of me had packed an overnight bag.
It took about an hour to reach the village which to my great surprise did have a number of shops, all open for business though not fully staffed.
It being located in the Chilterns and it being a popular area for the casual walker, one of the shops, a kind of General Store, did sell clothing, outdoor clothing mainly, but they did stock a small selection of boxers.
I wasn’t a boxer short man myself but needs must.
I also bought a pair of walking boots and some thick socks for the walk back.
The trainers I had on were soaked through to the point that the skin on my toes had gone crinkly.
I put on the socks and boots and with my other purchases in a bag and I trudged my way back to the Hotel.
It took a little longer getting back because the sun had come out and the light was so blindingly bright that I walked most of the way with my eyes shut.
When I did get back it coincided nicely with a gap between Pandora’s treatments, so we had lunch together before she went off to be smeared with yogurt or some such.
I myself spent the afternoon watching Rugby on TV I needed to build up my strength before another night of Pandora.

On Sunday morning the thaw had well and truly set in and we would be going home after breakfast.
I was up early and showered first leaving Pandora sleeping.
As I showered I reflected on the weekends events and was thinking what a delightful interlude it had been when I thought I would go and wake Pandora up with the erection I was now sporting.
I would gently fuck her awake and when she was wide awake and feeling the benefit of my swollen member I would fuck her to a conclusion as a lusty appetizer before breakfast.
So I got out of the shower and hastily dried myself and was just about to open the bathroom door and put my plan into action when
The door burst open and Pandora rushed in
“Morning Darling” she said and kissed me
“Hi Babe” I replied and she bustled me out of the door and closed it.
I heard the toilet seat go down and then the sharp release of some early morning wind.
I walked away disappointed at not being able to put my plan into action, then before I was out of earshot the gushing sound of her peeing like a horse came through the door which did nothing to diminish the size of my hard on.
I dried myself off and with the towel wrapped around my waist I sat on the bed with my cock uncomfortably bulging from my lap
My discomfort had abated slightly as the mound diminished as I waited for the object of my desire to emerge clean and fresh.

When she finally appeared pink and pristine from the bathroom wrapped in towels she said
“Are you not getting dressed?”
“In a minute, I’m just watching the news” I lied as my eyes surveyed her every curve beneath her toweling sarong.
As she stooped over her overnight bag and fished out a pink bra and matching knickers the bulge returned with a vengeance.
I walked up behind her and as she stood up she gasped and leant back in my arms,
“You made me jump” she panted
“I thought you might want some help” I lied
“Help with what?” she asked suspiciously
“To get you dry of course” I said innocently
“You don’t want to get me dry” she said
“You just want to get me wetter”
“You are such a cynic,” I said as if massaged her tits through the towel
“I know it’s a character fault,” she said as I teased her nipples until they protruded like pencil rubbers through the damp toweling,
Pandora breathed sharply in and out through her nose as I un-tucked the sarong and it fell open to expose her plump beauties with their darkly aroused nipples pink and proud
I took her great globes in my hands and squeezed the ripe fruits and she murmured in response to my touch.
Still holding her titties I turned her towards the bed and she crawled onto it on all fours,
The towel was draped loosely over her flanks like a horse blanket over a skittish filly.
I pulled it quickly off her like a magician doing the table cloth trick exposing her round pink buttocks and her bejeweled pink Minge.
I knelt on the floor behind and looking between her thighs I could see her great globes hanging from her and beyond them her face buried in the duvet.
I returned my attention to her moist Minge as she waited for me I pulled her lips apart with my thumbs to reveal their hidden succulence and tasted her juice.
Pandora’s hands grabbed handfuls of duvet and as I flicked my tongue along her gash then Pandy bit down on the bed cover as I noshed on her freshly laundered pussy.
Very quickly I joined her on the bed and knelt behind gripping her robust hips and plunged into her hot juice as I slid my stiff shaft between her eager sticky lips.
As I went inside Pandora’s pussy up to my balls, breath left her like air escaping through a leaky valve and the harder I pumped the courser the breath.
I reached up and grabbed hold of her wondrous hanging fruits and groped and squeezed them as I repeatedly penetrated her cunny.
Pandora turned her head, still biting the duvet, and gave me a smile as I cupped her magnificent globes while I pumped in and out of her welcoming Minge.
Pandy was emitting low rasping moans in response to my penetrations as I drove on and on
Finally she went rigid and we came together, Pandora screaming satisfaction into the bedding.
“OHHHHH” she exclaimed as my cock pulsed inside her and we collapsed breathless on the bed and just laid there, spent.
“Can I have breakfast now?” she panted
“You’re always thinking of your stomach” I replied, “You have a one track mind”
As we lay panting and glowing on the bed we suddenly realized the time so we had to jump in the shower together to wash away our lust so we could make breakfast in time.
And Pandora after having been thoroughly ravished was now incredibly famished and so was I.

We made breakfast by the skin of our teeth and you could see the disappointment etched in the collective faces of the staff as we walked in.
Their moods didn’t improve one iota when they realized we wanted everything, having satisfied our sexual appetites we now needed to satisfy our hunger.

It was pretty quiet as we drove home, Pandora was still wearing a smug expression on her face and I suspected the self satisfied smile would still be there at Christmas.
I could only guess what she was thinking.
I was remembering the conversation I had with Georgia on Friday night when I phoned her to say we were snowed in.
During the course of the conversation she asked how I got to High Wycombe and I said
“I came in Pandora’s Mini”
I wouldn’t be telling her in our next conversation that I had been coming in Pandora’s Mini all weekend.

When she pulled up outside my house to drop me off we couldn’t kiss goodbye as we would have liked to, we could only air kiss but as we did so she was holding my hand.
I moved my spare hand between her denim clad thighs towards her fanny, she snapped her thighs shut
“I think you’ve paid that more than enough attention already this weekend” she chastised
“I don’t remember you complaining” I rebuffed “I do remember you moaning a lot”
Pandora blushed and smiled and opened her legs I gave her mound a stroke
“I will be back soon,” I said
“I hope so” she replied

When I got up on Monday morning I could barely stand.
My right knee couldn’t bear my wait.
It was the knee I had surgery on the previous year and I guessed I had over done it over the previous few days.
So I made an appointment to see Dr Andrews but I couldn’t get in until the evening.

I had to retrieve my old walking stick from the back of the wardrobe to assist me on my walk to the village.
I was the first appointment and there was only one other patient waiting.
When I went into Claire’s office I was a little surprised to find her somewhat standoffish and not her normal warm flirty self.
It was the first time we had been alone since Paris and I was expecting something a little less Doctor/Patient.
I tried conversation but she was completely unresponsive.
And when she spoke it was flat and emotionless and when she smiled it was clearly forced.
After examining the knee she said
“I will give you a cortisone injection and you will need to rest it,” she instructed, “so stay off your feet and definitely no golf”
“Well I need to see the Vicar in the morning” I said “I can’t miss that”
This statement alarmed her rather to the point that she almost dropped the tray containing the injection.
“Are you ok” I asked with concern
“Yes” she replied flatly “it’s been a long day”
After she had administered the injection, which hurt like hell, I put my trousers back on and asked again
“Are you sure you’re ok?”
”Yes, yes” she said impatiently and forced another smile as she wrote me a prescription “I’ll call you”
“Ok” I said “bye then doctor”

I stopped at the pharmacy and picked up my painkillers and then on the journey home I replayed the consultation in my head.
I concluded that it was obvious that everything was not ok but I was at a loss to know what was amiss, and if I didn’t know what the problem was I couldn’t try and fix it.
What I did know was that my knee hurt as much on the walk home as it did on the one to the surgery.

The next morning after a painfully restless night I awoke to find there had been some improvement.
I knew I should have stayed at home to rest it but I had to go to the church hall and meet with the vicar.
I was replacing Gerald Overend as Santa at St Lucy’s School Christmas Bazaar and as he was a bigger man then I, on many levels, some adjustment to the suit and the padding was necessary.
So the Vicar and a small team of ladies were on hand to affect alterations, well the team of ladies obviously did the work and Katy looked on with a worried frown.
Much concern was shown when I arrived with the support of a stick but they were suitably reassured.
“Dr Andrews gave me an injection last night,” I said accompanied by a crash behind me
“So I’m on the mend”
I looked around to se Katy Oliver had dropped the box of toys she was getting out for playgroup.
I tried on the suit and measurements were taken by women muttering to one another with their mouths full of pins.
It was agreed it would be ready by Friday with out fail and I returned home to take the weight off my knee.

On Friday morning my knee was well on the mend, I still carried the stick though when I returned to the village hall.
But before I could get in the door the Vicar burst out of it.
“It’s a disaster” the vicar blurted out “Colin Bright has appendicitis”
“Oh no” I said “is he ok?”
“What?” the vicar said as if confused by the question
“Colin” I clarified “is he ok?”
“Oh shit,” the vicar exclaimed, “I never thought to ask”
“So what’s the disaster then?” I enquired
“Colin is the chief Elf to your Santa,” she explained
“So what’s the problem?” I said “can’t we find someone to fill his shoes?”
“It’s not his shoes that are the problem” Katy explained
“He’s a six foot stick insect with a bum like a twelve year old”
“Oh” I said unhelpfully
“We can’t get anyone else with their own costume at this late stage” she went on
I went to speak but she was in full flow and cut me off
“No! We can’t hire a costume they’re all gone, and if we put one of the volunteers in Colin’s costume they will just look ridiculous”
“Don’t you think a six foot Elf is ridiculous anyway?” I suggested
“He’s a very good Elf” Katy said indignantly “and he supplied his own costume”
“So we need someone six feet tall, stick thin with an arse like a 12 year old boy?” I asked
“Yes” Katy replied crossly, “That’s why it’s a disaster”
“I know just the person,” I said
“Really?” she asked doubtfully
“Really” I said and taking out my mobile phone I got up my contacts list, scrolled down and hit dial
“Tilly? What are you doing tomorrow”?
The vicar paced up and down like an expectant father while I spoke to Tilly and when I had finished and I put the phone in my pocket she just stood and stared at me.
“Well”? She asked eventually
“Sorted” I replied
“Thank you God” she said looking to the heavens and crossing herself “and thank you Simon” and Katy kissed my cheek before going off to belatedly enquire about Colin’s state of heath.
I followed her into the hall and the ladies swarmed around me like they were preparing Cinderella for the ball.
After the ladies had done their thing, I returned home and rested my knee for the remainder of the day because Saturday was going to be very busy.

On Saturday morning I rose early and was pleased to find my knee the best it had been all week.
I took no chances though and wore a support bandage on the knee.
I treated my self to an extra close shave, much closer than usual in order to accommodate the beard.
As a result when I applied the aftershave it stung like hell.
So I arrived at St Lucy’s school sweet smelling and red-faced at about 11.00am to find the vicar fussing around like a mother hen, uncharacteristically wanting things just so.
And I’m not sure why it was after all just a village school bazaar.
When I told her to slow down
“We’re making Christmas memories” Katy said “and it’s my last chance…”
Just then Tilly came through the door behind me
“Hi Simon” she said brightly and kissed me
“Ah Tilly” I said “This is Katy”
As I introduced her to the vicar
“Hello Vicar” Tilly said taking Katie’s hand
Katy gave her an appraising look and declared
“You’re perfect”
“Hardly” I whispered to Tilly who then punched me
“Come on Tilly, the costume is through here” said Katy and she lead her away to one of the offices.
The drama teacher Maria Cherry-Thicket showed me in to the grotto.
“I’m your dresser Mr. Fisher” she said “I will help you with your wig and beard”
“Ok” I said
“I’m in amateur dramatics you know” she continued pompously
“No I didn’t” I replied disinterestedly

I was fully regaled in the red velvet suit and as I sat in the throne, Maria applied the finishing touches to my beard and placed the hat on my head and pinned it to the wig.
Just as Maria stepped away to admire her handiwork Tilly appeared, and being tall and flat chested she was dressed as Bernard the Elf, from The Santa Clause movies, wearing Colin Bright’s costume.
Which consisted of a rather expensive looking fitted tunic, in brown and green with gold brocade decorating the front and back.
Thick deep red tights and pixie boots with turned up toes.
Tilly’s hair was tied up and hidden under a matching hat and to all intents and purposes she looked like a boy.
And quite inappropriately I got a trouser tickle.

The grotto was in one of the classrooms; I’m not sure what subject as all the wails were hidden behind red velvet drapes, decorated with tinsel and coloured lights.
The huge throne was in the furthest corner surrounded by Christmas parcels.
Leading to the throne was a snow covered path and on one side of it was a festive tableau of snowmen and reindeer and on the other side Santa’s sleigh was parked.
To get to the grotto you had to enter via an adjoining classroom, also festively decked out which acted as an anti room where a small number of children and accompanying parents waited their turn, where Maria Cherry-Thicket, for some reason dressed as Robin Hood, kept order.
And out side in the corridor was the queue.

The grotto opened at 1 pm and was pretty well non-stop until 4 o’clock.
Tilly/Bernard escorted the expectant child in from the anti chamber, who would then climb on my lap, the child not Tilly, I would then have a quick chat give them their gift, and then Daniel Casey the Verger would take a photo.
Tilly/Bernard then escorted the child back out to their parents
This went on for 3 hours and when Tilly/Bernard escorted the final child back to their waiting parents the Verger followed them out.
Leaving me knackered and alone.
By the end of it my knee was aching like hell and I was suffering from the seasonal condition of Santa’s lap.
I was gagging for a drink; I had nits in my beard and a damp patch on my trousers.
But I had thoroughly enjoyed the job and I hoped I had done Gerald Overend proud.

When Tilly returned from showing the last little darling out of the door she came over to me and said
“That’s definitely the last of them”
“Excellent” I sighed
“I locked up to keep out any nosy kids” Tilly continued “Daniel has gone to upload the pictures and Robin Hood has gone to the hall clutching her raffle tickets”
“So there is just one more customer for Santa” She said and sat on my knee.
“I’m almost certain that you’re on the naughty list little girl” Santa said.
“I’m on the nice and naughty list” Tilly said and giggled
“I don’t think I have any presents left” I said
“Oh please Santa I’ll be really good” she said and began groping at my crotch.
“I’m sure you’ll be good but you’ll still be a naughty girl” I said as my hand explored up beneath her tunic and was surprised to find the crotch of her tights were already damp.
Tilly tried to kiss me but the beard kept getting in the way
“I think Santa has a present for you” I said
“Oh goody” Tilly said excitedly “where is it?”
“I think you know very well where it is” said Santa as she vigorously stroked my cock.
We stood up and I bent her over Santa’s throne and yanked her red tights off her arse enough to expose her tiny schoolboy cheeks and her heavily whiskered lips, I unbuttoned my trousers enough to release my cock and I plugged into her tight went cunny.
“We need to do this quickly” I said
“Not too quickly” she panted as I banged her hard from behind
A few minutes later I became of aware of a rustling behind me and as I glanced over my shoulder an unknown woman’s head appeared from behind the curtain.
Seeing what she imagined to be Santa buggering one of his Elf’s over his throne.
“Oh my god” she yelled and disappeared “oh my god”
“Damn” she said “I was enjoying that”
“Me too” I said as I pulled out of her “now pull your pants up Bernard” and I slapped her cheek which wobbled deliciously
“What do we do now?” she asked as she stood up and put her hairy chuff away
“You go off to the loo for ten minutes” I suggested
“Ok” she said crestfallen
“Never mind” I said “you can empty Santa’s sack later”
Tilly rushed off through the anteroom to the toilets and I wrestled the present sack onto the throne and assumed a similar stance to that which I had adopted to poke the Elf.
I stood there for about five minutes before I heard a posse of voices approaching before a small group burst through the door lead by the vicar who was accompanied by Daniel the verger, Maria the hood and the unknown woman.
“What is going on?” asked the vicar “where’s Tilly?”
“Tilly?” I asked “I thought she went to the hall with Maria for the raffle”
Maria shook her head “no she wasn’t with me”
“Oh” I said “I don’t know then”
The vicar looked at me suspiciously
“Daniel?” I said “Can you give me a hand? I’ve been trying to get this bloody sack off the throne for about ten minutes, I think it’s wedged in”
He came to my aid and sifter about a minute we had it freed, it would have moved sooner if I hadn’t been pushing instead of pulling, but I had to give the illusion it was stuck fast.
“There you are” the vicar said to the unknown woman “that’s what you saw”
But the vicar gave me a look that said
“I know what you were doing”
Just at that moment Tilly returned
“Oh hello” she said to the crowd
“Where have you been?” I asked brusquely
“I’ve been to the loo” Tilly answered defensively
“He’s been a real grumpy git” she addressed the crowd “just because his knee is hurting”
“Oh dear” said the Vicar “is it ok?”
“Yes, yes” Tilly said before I could answer for myself “but I think I should drive him home”
“Yes indeed” Agreed the vicar
“She’s very good” I thought

Tilly drove me the short distance up the road to my house in her van.
“Are you coming in?” I asked her
“I thought I might” she replied with a smile roughly approximating a leer
I lead her up to the front door and once inside
“Let me get out the Santa suit and we can finish what we started” I said
“No, no” she replied
Which I must say disappointed a little
“I want you to leave it on” she continued
So I took her into my study and bent her over my leather chair where for the second time that day I pulled down her Ho Ho Hose.

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 41) St Andrew’s Day

As incredibly satisfying as my evening with Tilly Bushe was I spent the next day sulking.
Not that I wouldn’t reprise our duet given the opportunity and even if I never got to settle on her nest again the image of her magnificent muff would forever reside in my wank bank.
No it was something she said that I was miffed about
“When I first met you I knew instantly that you were a man who wouldn’t be looking for ties and I found that very attractive”
Was that how women saw me?
Someone who only wanted “no strings attached” sex.
Did all the women I bedded read me in the same way?
It wasn’t how I saw my self; I honestly believed I was a good man who was just slightly weak willed when it came to crumpet.
I know my success with women is not due to my being incredibly good looking, and my body though not ripped is in good order but hardly Chippendale standard.
I think my personality carries me a long way and opens doors of opportunity, which I tend to exploit, but I’ve genuinely always believed it was my “Je ne sais quoi” that opened their thighs.
Although I had never really analysed it in depth, I was always too busy enjoying it.
I was still sulking when I headed off to the Church hall for the Roving Angels training, after which I wondered what the hell I had let myself in for.
When I got home I was still in an ill humour.
I had spent the entire day mulling over in my head what Tilly had said and by the end I had concluded that.
I was going to end up with nobody; I would end my days lonely and alone.
My future was just going to be a series of fuck buddies stretching into the distance until I was either struck with impotency or they with the menopause or osteoporosis.
It was not a pleasant outlook.
What depressed me the most was if all the women I slept with thought of me as a “no ties” shag?
Then what was wrong with Georgia?
Why did she think I was a good prospect?
Or would she one-day wake up and see me as I am?
In the end I got really pissed.

The next morning I was up at 5 am and feeling a little thick headed and had wished I hadn’t drunk so much the night before.
I also regretted agreeing to a golf day.
Which was partly the hangover and partly because it wasn’t what I was expecting.
When I was first asked about an St Andrews golf Day I thought it was a round of Golf at St Andrews but alas it turned out to be a game of Golf on St Andrews day.
We were going to play a course in High Wycombe that none of us had played before but it was bound to be an up and down affair, steep hills, long climbs and magnificent scenery.
Still it was always good fun playing with the girls.
I got up and had a long hot shower after which I felt much better.
When I got downstairs I had half an hour to spare before my lift arrived.
I would have had time for breakfast but we had agreed to a cooked breakfast in High Wycombe before our game.
So I spent the time checking I had everything I needed for the day.
Dead on 7 o’clock there was a short sharp “parp” of a car horn, I opened the front door and gave the driver a wave and went back in for my gear.
Pandora was standing by her car, dapper as usual in a mixture of argyle knitwear and tweed.
It was still dark as I walked down the path with my bag slung over my shoulder and simultaneously Judith was making a similar journey down hers.
The original plan was for all four of us to go in Pandora’s Cherokee but it had to go in the garage on Wednesday and was still there, so Judith was driving Victoria in her Fiesta and Pandora was driving me in her Mini, neither car being able to accommodate four people and all the attendant equipment.
It was rather amusing when she first broke the news the Jeep was off the road, firstly because I thought that being off the road was when they were at their best, and secondly because Pandora said to me
“You can come in my Mini”
And when I agreed she announced in the main bar at the club
“Simon’s going to come in my Mini”
There were several spluttering laughs and Judith smiled broadly and Victoria nearly fell off her chair.
But Pandora, bless her, wasn’t aware that Mini was a euphemism for pussy.
We set off from the village together and travelled in convoy all the way and managed a clear run around the M25 and arrived at the Wycombe Hill Golf Club just after 8 am.
It was assumed when we left the village that Pandora had been to High Wycombe before but upon our arrival Pandora said that she hadn’t.
It was a beautiful location in the heart of the Chiltern Hills
The views from the clubhouse were outstanding and around the course they would be truly breathtaking
“Oh Look” Victoria said “a Red Kite”
We all looked to where she was pointing; I was expecting to see a large red paper kite on a piece of string, which of course I didn’t admit when I saw it was a bird of prey.
I wondered if the others thought the same.
We went into the clubhouse, which was very posh, much more so than Bushy Down at any rate and Judith, Victoria and I seated ourselves in the restaurant while Pandora went to register our arrival.

After our rather over indulgent breakfast we all waddled to the lounge and sat down on the comfy sofas and ordered more tea and coffee as we still had half an hour to spare.
There was a TV in the lounge and just as the waitress arrived with our order the weatherman appeared
“In the afternoon the wind will strengthen from the north east blowing in some wintry showers later in the day, more persistent falls are likely overnight”
“So it might get a bit blowy later,” Judith said, “I’m glad I’m wearing my long johns”
“I’m sure it won’t be as bad as when Simon and I got caught in that storm last month”
Pandora said and as our eyes met her cheeks flushed as she remembered that it wasn’t just the wind that got up that day.
Then to save her embarrassment a late news item caught my attention as the reported announced.
“3 soldiers from The Downshire Light Infantry were killed last night when their vehicle was destroyed by an IED in Helmand province”
I didn’t hear the rest as I immediately thought of Dakota and hoped and prayed that she was safe.
Just at that moment as I was muttering a prayer under my breath Pandora handed round the scorecards with a map of the course.
For the nest few minutes we sat in silence studying the map and looking at the yardages.
It wasn’t the longest 18 hole course I had ever played but there were two par threes that looked particularly difficult one was uphill to a concealed green the other from an elevated tee to a concealed green
We all agreed it was going to be an interesting and challenging par 70.
We decided on match play pairs, four-ball format, the lowest score from each pair counting.
As to teams it would be the Fiestas against the Minis.
Most of the game was played in calm dry conditions under a blue sky, with the wind very light.
On the front nine Victoria and Judith were on fire.
And after seven holes they were up by five.
On the par 5, 8th I had a bit of a disaster, I hit a crisp drive
from the elevated tee and it absolutely flew straight down the middle, as Bing Crosby famously sang, and it landed just short of the dog leg, kicked to the right and rolled perfectly round the turn.
So far so good and after such a shot I felt ten feet tall as I strode down the fairway.
When I reached my ball I was about 50 yards ahead of Pandy and I found it sitting up invitingly.
Pandora played her shot first and put it just short of the green just a chip and a putt away.
Judith and Victoria played their shots and were also well placed.
So with an unhindered path to the green I had a real eagle chance.
Slightly ahead of me and to the right was a rather large Rabbit enjoying the autumn sunshine blissfully unaware of what was to come.
I selected my club and addressed the ball
“Just hit it straight” I told myself
I swung the club towards the ball in a perfect ark but I must have lifted my head because there was an ugly contact and the ball sliced away in the direction of the Rabbit.
Now had he just stayed still he would have lived
but alas the sound of the sliced contact startled the Rabbit and caused it to leap vertically in the air straight into the path of the ball and it died instantly.
“There’s one for the kites,” I thought
Now looking back I could have claimed that the Rabbit put me off, but it didn’t really and if the ball had followed its path I would have been deep in the woods possibly even out of bounds
So the Rabbit sacrificed himself to save my par
Luckily for the Minis Pandora chipped and putted to make birdie while the others only managed par.
So with the combination of my extra yardage on the long holes and Pandora putting out of her skin we were all square after the 14th
Which was when a cold wind picked up and dark grey clouds scudded across the previously blue sky.
Victoria then chipped in from the bunker to win the 15th
Pandora sank a 40ft putt to take 16
The 17th was halved and it was all to play for on the final hole
And as we stood on the fairway to play our second shots it started to snow, the light grainy kind but, by the time we had reached the green large fluffy flakes were falling fast
We putted out and the honours were even and as we walked briskly to the 19th for something warming
“Wintry showers be buggered” Victoria said as we put our clubs in our respective cars and changed out of our golf shoes.
After a quick hot drink
Victoria and Judith set off
“Before it gets too bad,” Judith said
“We’ll be right behind you” Pandora shouted
We finished our drinks and Pandy excused herself to the ladies and was gone about 20 minutes.
I put it down to some feminine hygiene issue so I wasn’t too concerned’
There was a rather horny barmaid flitting from table to table with large unfettered breasts and an arse to die for.
And as she kept bending over to wipe down the tables I got a good look at all of her assets from a variety of angles which held my interest for some time.

When she returned looking a little flushed, I took that as confirmation of my diagnosis. Pandora then spent the next ten minutes faffing about; opening and closing her handbag putting her coat on taking it off then putting it back on again
“Shall we make a move then?” I said finally losing patience with her uncharacteristic dithering
“Yes, yes” she replied rather less positive than her words might have suggested
We walked the car rather gingerly slipping and sliding on the fresh snow.
We got in the car and Pandora continued to faff
“Is everything ok?” I asked getting concerned now with her behaviour, which really was out of character,
She was one of the most positive and dynamic people I knew.
“It’s the snow,” she said meekly
“What about it?” I asked
“I’m scared” she admitted, “If I was in the Cherokee I’d be alright”
“Do you want me to drive?” I offered
“You’re not insured” she replied quickly
“Ok let’s phone the girls and see what its like ahead” I suggested
“Good idea” Pandora said
So I phoned Victoria to ascertain the state of the roads ahead and well the word from her was an expletive.
“Its worse ahead than it is here” I told her
“Oh shit,” she retorted then she added
“There’s a nice hotel nearby we could put up there until tomorrow”
“How do you know that?” I quizzed “I thought you hadn’t been to High Wycombe before”
“No I haven’t it was in the bumph the club sent me when I made the booking” she replied
“Ok” I relented “let’s go”
She fair sped out of the car park like Timo Mäkinen, suddenly completely oblivious to the snow.
Five minutes later we passed through the gates of the Chiltern Manor Hotel and spa.
“This will do,” she said
I was suspicious now Pandora had said she had never been to High Wycombe before yet knew the location of the nearest hotel and managed to drive straight there in a blizzard.
“What about the kids?” I asked
“They’re at my mums tonight anyway” she replied
“Convenient” I thought
Pandora opened the door
“Just hold on a minute missy,” I said commandingly
“What?” she replied meekly
“What’s going on?” I asked
“What do you mean?” she responded innocently
“According to you, you’ve never been to High Wycombe before yet you know it well enough to find the nearest hotel which you couldn’t have seen on the way in and you did it in a blizzard” Pandora went to speak but I silenced her with a raised finger.
“At the golf club you were all girly and helpless in the snow one minute and doing handbrake turns like a rally driver the next, on top of which the kids are on a sleepover” I paused briefly
“So what’s going on?” I asked again though I knew the answer
Pandora gave me a sideways glance and blushed
“Were you planning a sleepover of your own?”
She nodded still blushing
“Thank goodness for that” I said and she smiled and then I kissed her
“Why didn’t you just ask” I wondered, “You know what a slut I am”
“I couldn’t do that” she said horrified “that would make me “fast””
”I’m from a different generation,” she continued “so I had to arrange it so you could seduce me”
I was surprised and delighted at the prospect of the playful minx
We had played golf together often enough but we hadn’t “played together” since that stormy day in October
“You’ve done a lot of planning then?” I asked
“Yes” she added rather smugly “which all added to the excitement and the anticipation”
“So what would you have done if it hadn’t snowed?” I asked
“Even you couldn’t conjure up a blizzard on demand”
“Car trouble” she replied
“You deceitful creature” I said “let’s get a room”
Playing golf with Pandora always left me with a stirring down below, the barmaid with the unharnessed tits added to that, but Pandora’s conniving I found incredible horny so I was now nursing a stalk.

Once inside Pandora put down her overnight bag, another clear sign of premeditation, we checked in as Mr and Mrs Smith which caused the receptionist to raise an eyebrow or two when she compared it to the credit card that Pandora handed over, we had already had the “I’ll pay, no I’ll pay” argument and Pandora insisted that she should pay as it was her fantasy.
Then she blushed the most brilliant shade of crimson when she realised she had said it out loud.

We finished registering and as we walked away from the desk I asked
“Aren’t you worried about Graham seeing a charge for a double room on your credit card”?
“No, Graham and I are separated” she answered
“Oh” was all I could think to say
I decided not to pursue it and asked instead
“Do you want to have a drink in the bar before we go up?”
“No I bloody don’t” she responded

As soon we got in the room Pandora dropped her bag on the floor and kicked off her shoes.
I did the same as she slipped off her tweed jacket and deposited that on top of her bag.
“Wow it’s a great room,” I said
“We’re not here for the décor” she retorted and without warning pushed me back against the wall and began undoing my trousers.
After undoing my belt and the releasing the button she yanked down the zip, my trouser descended quickly to my ankles.
Pandora grabbed the waistband of my pants and snatched my cock out of my pants like a greedy child and tugged on it exposing my helmet.
She released my cock and sank to her knees and dragged my pants off my arse until they joined my trousers at my ankles
Then I felt a moist warmth spreading slowly along my stalk until like a warm wet sheath it engulfed me.
I looked down to see Pandy’s tweed capped head moving rhythmically on my shaft and taking it deep in her mouth time and time again
"oh honey” I said to her as she went about her task with enthusiasms “that’s so good”
I reached down and snatched the cap off her head and threw it across the room so I could see her lips around my cock.
Pandora was really relishing her task as she slurped me in and out of her eager lips and I was in ecstasy and it took immense will power on my part not to spaff in her mouth.
I quickly withdrew from her slobbering mouth to the sound of smacking lips and she looked up at me like a child waiting to be praised or rewarded.
I looked from her smug smiling face to my swollen cock still wet with her saliva and I thought
“Dear Pandora will certainly be getting a reward”
Her hands were still on my buttocks I reached around and took them in mine and pulled her to her feet.
She was still looking very pleased with herself as I kissed her smug smiling lips.
I disentangled my feet from my pants and trousers and lifting Pandora off her feet carried her further into the room.
We came to a halt at the foot of the four-poster bed.
I lowered her gently to her feet and our lips parted, I pulled her Argyle sweater off over her head and she did the same with my Pringle.
Then as I bent down and kissed her I unfastened her tweed trousers which fell with little further encouragement directly to the floor.
I looked beyond her as we kissed I eyed her reflection in the mirror, and marvelled once again what a tidy body she had for a forty year old mother, As she stood embracing me wearing only knee length argyle socks and matching green satin bra and pants.
My cock twitched in anticipation of what was to come.
I pushed her gently backwards against the dressing table and
My hands meanwhile reached behind her and I felt the satin sheen of her panties beneath my fingertips.
My hands spread out across her firm buttocks squeezing and kneading them until my fingers reached the waistband of her knickers and grasping the elastic firmly I tugged them off her round cheeks and down her trembling thighs, then I grabbed the gusset and tugged them over her knees and down do her ankles then she extricated her stockinged feet from the tangled lingerie.
My hands were quickly occupied with her naked arse and I stopped kissing her and fell to my knees and pressed my lips against her quivering belly.
Simultaneously I edged her further back against the furniture and having manoeuvred her back as far as she could go, she slid her buttocks onto the dressing table to support her weight while I knelt before her.
I looked up and saw Pandora was biting her lip and then she opened up wide for me to drink deeply of her,
I could smell her lustful odour mixed with expensive perfume, which spurred me on, and very soon I was rubbing my face in her ample perfumed public curls.
Before tasting the salty tang of a Pandora’s juices as she filled the room with salacious moans.
I worked the creamy wet flesh with my tongue as she wriggled and squirmed, moaning and gasping as I sucked at her lips and licked her cunny until she could wait no longer.
Until she grabbed me by the hair and pulled my face away from her hot gash
“Now get on the bed,” she ordered but I kissed her with lips smothered with her pungent fragrance
“I said get on the bed” she reiterated, her cunny juice was around her mouth when I stopped kissing her.
“It’s my fantasy remember” she said, “Now get on the bed”
I obliged and climbed on the bed and lay in the middle of bed on my back
“And take your socks off” she added
I took them off and threw them at her one at a time.
“Take your bra off” I ordered her “and leave your socks On”
“It’s my fantasy” she replied but unfastened her bra and released her beautiful globes and then she crawled along my body and gave me a very smug look as she skewered her hot pussy on my shaft.
Then like a whirlwind Pandora pumped her pussy on me again and again
And each thrust was followed by a grunt
“Huh”
Thrust
“Huh”
Thrust
“Huh”
One after another as she satisfied her self on my rod
Pandora had never performed like this before, I was in heaven.
All I could do was grab her arse and be mesmerised by her jiggling jugs.
Her pumping action was quickening
“Huh”
“Huh”
“Huh”
Until she came in a rousing crescendo
“HUH”
And my pulsing cock shot into her mini.
Pandora, panting hard collapsed on top of me.
And let out a low sigh of contentment
“Mmmmm”
“Are you happy now you’ve taken advantage of me?” I asked
“Ohhh yes” she said

Pandora was in the bathroom running a bath while I sat on the sofa with my balls still wet from her deliciously wet cunny lips
I switched on the TV just as the news was starting and the top story was about the snowstorm.
A spokesman from the met office admitted that a lot more snow fell than was expected.
“No shit Sherlock” I shouted at the TV
The next story was about the three soldiers killed in Afghanistan.
And when I saw the photos and heard the names I crossed myself and said
“Thank God” then I said a prayer for the families and friends of the fallen soldiers.
After that I phoned Georgia to explain why I was in a High Wycombe Hotel and not at home skyping her.

Later as Pandora and I soaked in the bath together I asked her
“So are you pleased with the outcome of your scheming”?
“Oh yes” she said “pleased and surprised”
“Surprised”? I queried
“Yes I’ve never done anything like this before, and I’m surprised how conniving I’ve been”
“You did arrange for me to be sitting next to you at the summer ball” I reminded her
“Well that bit was easy,” she confessed “but I had no idea what to do after that, I just relied upon you to take advantage of the situation”
“Which of course I did” I admitted proudly
“Indeed you did” she remembered, “This however took a bit more planning”
“And a bit more deceitfulness” she continued
I thought about it for a minute and then I said
“So the Cherokee being in the garage?”
“A lie” Pandora confirmed
“You being scared to drive in the snow”
“A lie” she confirmed again though I knew that the moment she sped out of the car park.
“The car insurance”
“Another lie”
“I’m shocked and stunned” I said “and strangely aroused”