LOSING HER MIND
My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone
SENTENCING
In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?
IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO
They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go
MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME
My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute
THE NIGHT OUT
I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”
BURNT OFFERINGS
My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits
Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers
MY WIFE IS MAD
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT
My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet
WIFI WIFE
I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her
THE LOSS OF LOVE
The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating
NIGELA I’M NOT
I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house
SLEEPLESS
How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead
My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head
VIRGIN WHITE
Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor
MARITAL DISCOVERY
After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all
Monday 20 June 2011
HEALTHY HUMOUR
GOOD HEALTH WARNING
In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die
DOCTOR FRANK
My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”
TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS
I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear
Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door
I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK
GARNISHING
If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story
DOCTOR BLUNT
My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard
THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY
Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there
DEADLY HYMENOPTERA
Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow
Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee
DEADLY RECREATION
Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high
Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea
DOCTOR SHARP
I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”
A FARE HEARING
My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly
He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine
ANAPHYLAXIS
I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me
MANNOGRAM
A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today
FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS
Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature
NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED
Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision
ATTRACTION
I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me
In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die
DOCTOR FRANK
My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”
TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS
I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear
Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door
I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK
GARNISHING
If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story
DOCTOR BLUNT
My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard
THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY
Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there
DEADLY HYMENOPTERA
Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow
Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee
DEADLY RECREATION
Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high
Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea
DOCTOR SHARP
I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”
A FARE HEARING
My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly
He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine
ANAPHYLAXIS
I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me
MANNOGRAM
A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today
FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS
Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature
NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED
Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision
ATTRACTION
I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me
Wednesday 15 June 2011
THE USES OF GOOSES
THE USES OF GOOSES # 01
One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease
THE USES OF GOOSES # 02
Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese
One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease
THE USES OF GOOSES # 02
Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON?
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 01
Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02
Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03
Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you
Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02
Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03
Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free
VEGETUS
VEGETUS # 01
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one
VEGETUS # 02
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one
VEGETUS # 02
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n
ICE CREAM PARLOUR
ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 01
I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”
ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02
I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”
I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”
ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02
I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”
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