DEAR PRUDENCE

I was given the challenge
Well in truth it was a bet
And the bet was to get a date
With Prudence the librarian
Whose coldness was legend
It would be a tall order
But I picked up the gauntlet
And headed to the library
I walked up to the desk
And there she stood
She was short in stature
But imposing nonetheless
Her countenance was severe
Thick chestnut hair
Pulled back off severely off her face
Her make up would best be described
As minimalist
And she peered at me
Over thick framed spectacles
She wore a chunky beige sweater
Two sizes too big which hid her shape
And a dark pleated skirt, knee length
Over thick black wool tights
And the not unattractive legs
Terminated into sensible shoes
I tried small talk
But she was not receptive
Her demeanor was positively frosty
Every enquiry she batted back to me in the negative
But despite everything
There was something about her that I liked
Something intangible
curiously she was not my type
in any way, but still there was something
So I decided to persevere
But because I wanted to
Not because I had to
So firstly I paid off on the bet
I wasn’t doing it for a stupid bet
But because of that intangible something
An itch I couldn’t scratch kind of thing
Realizing small talk would get me nowhere
I thought I would try a different tack
And converse with her on her own terms
I had to engage her intellect
So each day I would go to the library
And ask her to recommend a book
Which we could then discuss each day
And each day she thawed a little
Then I posed her questions,
History, Geography, the arts
I found her to be both knowledgeable and interesting
And I found that I was becoming interested
In the subjects we were discussing
And looked forward to our time together
As each day she thawed a little more
I wanted to have more
Than just the few precious hours at the library
But I didn’t want to undo what I had achieved
Upset the status quo
And refrigerate her again
Then at the end of one particular day
Prudence asked me
“Would you like to go for a coffee?”
I was speechless but nodded in the affirmative
Later she told me
She fell for me because I engaged her mind
And valued her for what was between her ears
And not what was between her legs
Or inside her sweater

STAND FOR THE KING

In Cumalot, Big King Dick
Really lived up to his name
In his kingdom he’d shagged
Every damsel and dame

Then one summer morning
With not a cloud in the skies
A terrible thing happened
King Dick failed to rise

His Royal Prince was limp
Rung out and pathetically flaccid
His mojo had deserted him
King Dicks libido was dead

He called the court physician
Who prepared him an elixir
He called the court sorcerer
Who prepared him a philtre

But when cure-all and love potion
Failed to raise the dead
They tried erotic love balms
And sexual salves instead

But when these proved nostrum
Failing to raise the dead
The King lost his temper
Ordering the removal of their heads

He sent for the Royal love-smiths
The most alluring in the land
The dangerously seductive,
Sultry temptresses took him in hand

When the Royal Dick was still limp
They tried something else
Kissing every erogenous point
But this failed to quicken his pulse

So after he’d exhausted his supply
Of all his tarts and bints
He called for the Royal carpenter
To fashion him a splint

But this was no real solution
And it merely made him wince
Especially when he got a splinter
In his flaccid little Prince

He looked at dirty pictures
And he read erotic literature
He watched his soldiers shagging
He was so desperate for a cure

So when every thing had failed him
He took to his bed in disgust
Wouldn’t speak to his courtiers
He just reminisced of his lust

Then one day sickness was abroad
And he waited for breakfast in bed
Instead of his hot little maid
A mangy old crone came instead

He looked at the warty face crone
Moving about to and fro
And King Dick felt the stirrings
Of the Royal Prince down below

He leapt out of bed and grabbed her
And quickly removed his nightgown
Then he bent the crone over a chair
And the little Prince was crowned

From that day on in the kingdom
No crone was safe from his lust
Dirty ugly and warty faced
The Kings little Prince wasn’t fussed

THE PRIAPIC YOUTH

The priapic youth
Has a sexual obsession
He thinks about sex so much
He has a permanent erection

Even when it stands at ease
He will still have a semi on
And he will produce semen
Sufficient to fill a demijohn

Every thing in his life
Will turn on the priapic youth
To such an extent he is
Preoccupied with self abuse

A glimpse of a girl’s neck
Is enough to get him randy
Then it’s out with the old chap
For a quick hand shandy

He’ll wake with “an early riser”
Each and every morn
So he starts the day with a tug
On his “dawn horn”

He’ll pull the pud after breakfast
Beat his meat before brunch
He’ll knock one out at elevensies
And spank the monkey at lunch

After tea he chokes the chicken
In the shower he has a glop
Watching telly a knuckle shuffle
And in bed he’ll bash the bishop

Such is a day in the life
Of a priapic youth and his issues
Who masturbates to excess
And gets through a lot of tissues

FAITH

FAITH IS LIKE # 1

Faith is like electricity
You can’t see its traits
But you can see the light
That it generates

FAITH IS LIKE # 2

Faith is like electricity
You can’t see it
But you can see the light
That emanates from it

JESUS

He travels the four winds
He is everywhere.He is an ever present force
He is the one who cares

He is our strength
He is with us from the start
He gives us joy
He lives in our hearts

He is our hope
His heart is full of love
He repairs us
He is love

Jesus is the King of Kings
Who died for us
On that cross of pain
To cleanse us

THANK YOU LORD FOR BEING THERE

Thank you Lord for being there
And bathing us in your blessed care
Thank you for all your blessings
And understanding my transgressing
Thank you for being the one
Who watches over my three sons
And my most wonderful wife
Thank you for being in my life

YESHUA (JESUS)

Yeshua, you are
Our hope of salvation
Dying for us
Our hope of glory
Living in us

Yeshua, you are
Our hope for the future
Living for you
Our hope for redemption
Alive in you

THE LOVE OF CHRIST

The love of Christ
Unconditional, pure
Deeply felt love
That doth endure

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

GO FOURTH

Who will finish fourth?
Will it be Liverpool?
Who stake their claim?
Or will Aston Villa rule
Who will stand tall?
Will it be Man City?
That win the prize
Or will Spurs be sitting pretty
Who will go forth?
Into the Champions League
To dine at the top table
Who of these wannabes

Liverpool were last the champions
More than 20 years ago
Aston villa weren’t crowned
For 30 years or so
Its more than 40 years
Since Man City won
And Spurs were last the winners
In 1961

But the Champion’s League beckons
For these wannabes
These trophy less also ran’s
How can that be?

ALL IN THE GAME

Shaven headed barbarians
And tattooed savages
Strut with preening peacocks
In performing their pantomime
While their vengeful tribes
With banners held high
Chant their rhythmic cacophony
Faces distorted with hate

On the field of honour
They grapple and kick
They push and pull
They dive and roll
Assault and assail
Connive and cheat

In unforgiving onslaughts
They perform for baying hordes
A vile and brutal spectacle
Always referred to
As the beautiful game

MUMMY’S BOYS

I long since came to terms
Since John Barnes set the trend
With footballers wearing gloves
To keep their little pandies warm
I am less understanding
Of players taking to the field
With tights beneath their shorts
But it seems I must accept it
But the line has to be drawn somewhere
And that line was crossed
This very weekend
I was shocked beyond belief
To see a player take to the field of play
Wearing a muffler about his neck

FOOTBALL

There are many differences
Between Rugby and football
Rules, number of players, ball shape
Goal posts, pitch markings, duration
And so on and so forth
It was once said that football
Is a gentleman’s game played by ruffians
And Rugby a ruffians game played by gentleman
Not quite as true as it used to be
But still not far off the mark
I’ve even heard it said
That Football is played by children
And Rugby by grownups
But for me the difference
Can best be defined in this way
A Footballer spends 90 minutes
Pretending to be injured
While a Rugby player spends 80 minutes
Pretending that he is not

BLATTER’S FOLLY

Everyone wants a video ref in the game
There are no dissenting voices I can name
Fans shout their support and managers want it
Players are in favour and even the refs want it
Because it is a change that really matters
Everybody want its except Mr Blatter

UEFA CHAMPIONS GREED

I hate the Champion’s League
On so many levels
I hate it because it’s a competition
Devised by money grubbing devils

I hate it because you have to enter it
Because that is where the money is found
Money to lure the pampered prima donnas
To your particular ground

I hate it because it is ceded
So the best teams are always on view
So that UEFA can optimise
Their television revenue

I hate it because it doesn’t seem to know
What it really wants to be
Is it a knock out competition?
Or the beginnings of the super league

But I hate it most of all
Above all other considerations
Because the European Champions League
Has so few actual champions

Post Script

Well all the above is true
But I regret the overriding reason
That I hate it so passionately is that
We have been knocked out this season

THE NATURAL

As a footballer I must confess
My skills locker is somewhat bereft
I am a naturally two footed player
But unfortunately both of them are left

SPRINGTIME

SPRING

As spring comes around again
With its abundant falling rain
The rolling hills of luscious green
Are most pleasing to be seen
And with the renewal of spring
The heart lifts as if taking wing
When Daffodils break through
And spring flowers of every hue
Is their a better time on earth
To feel wealth of natures worth

REFRESHING SPRING

Refreshing spring
The season of renewal
When nature will release
Her early jewels

THE HIGH MELT

The high melt waters rush
Feeding springs annual event
As over the ancient rock
Water tumbles effervescent
As it heads inexorably to the sea
In its headlong descent

THE HILLSIDES IN MAY

No finer sight the eye will see
Than the hillsides in May
A carpet of green spread out
So as to take your breath away

THE THROWS OF SPRING

Its spring time
When beauty is released
Like a hand stitched
Patchwork masterpiece
Nature shows off
Her spring time finery
Spread like a throw
Over all you see

PUT DOWN's

PUT DOWN # 31

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Before he has chance to deliver
His pick up line to you
Just say to him
"And which dwarf are you?"

PUT DOWN # 32

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Before he has chance to deliver
His pick up line, get in quick
And say "I see you've chosen today
To humiliate yourself in public"

PUT DOWN # 33

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Which will be dumb like as not
Just say to him first
“Hi I know a village that’s looking for and idiot”

PUT DOWN # 34

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension“
If you want a good time” he might say
“Then I’m your man”
Just reply to him "Really?
Then I might as well become a lesbian"

PUT DOWN # 35

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension“
If your looking for loving” he might say
“Then I’m definitely your man”
Just reply to him “Sorry, but after meeting you
I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian"

PUT DOWN # 36

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Sometimes you may have to deflect
The same offender so you can then say
“My God! How many times do I have to flush
Before you’ll finally go away”?