A Little Bit Of Humour # 55

ARE YOU WEARING NYLON PANTS?

Are you wearing nylon pants?
There can be no other explanation
Because every time you get aroused
It affects the TV reception

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAIGHTJACKET?

Are you wearing a straightjacket?
With wrap around sleeves and metal bands
Are you some kind of homicidal maniac?
Or do you suffer from wondering hands

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

When the tragic death
Was announced on the news
Of the Oscar winning actor
My wife didn’t have a clue
Which prompted her to say
Philip Seymour who?

THE CHAUVINISTS ARE COMING

As economic migrants, blown
On the easterly breeze
Arrive on our welcoming shores
I am left in a state of unease
Not because they’re foreign
But because they’re from the seventies

IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY

If you can afford to buy
Yourself a 3d printer
The first thing to do
Is print another printer

MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD

It had rained for days on end
The pitch had had its fill
So much so that the turf moved
But the scrum stayed still

YOU MIGHT WELL BE VERY GOOD

You might well be very good
I have no doubt about it
But you still can’t make
Chicken salad from chicken shit

I ASKED THE DJ STRAIGHT

I asked the DJ straight
Do you do requests mate
Yes geezer just name it
Turn the volume down a bit

SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 1

She chose to wear Beige
Quite unusual for a ball gown
It’s like a proper colour, but
With the volume turned down

TWO OVERWEIGHT LADS

Two overweight lads were in the pub
“Your round” one of them suddenly said
The other one took instant offence and
Replied “So are you, you great fat head”

WE WERE KIDS IN WORN OUT SHOES

We were kids in worn out shoes
And we’d gamble in one or twos
With liquorice and penny chews
On any contest we’d choose
But if we were then to lose
We’d sing the sweetie bar blues

MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW

My prospective father in law
Finally fell in love with me
At the precise moment
He found out I had a BSC

Why he was so excited
Is a real mystery to me
A bronze swimming certificate
Is that prestigious, really?

FORWARD THINKING FUNERAL DIRECTORS

Forward thinking Funeral directors
Strike when opportunity knocks
The one in our town won an award
For thinking outside the box

WE ALWAYS GO TO THE PICTURES

We always go to the pictures
For the end of week features
Never mind orange Wednesday
What we like is CGI Friday

ARE YOU WEARING A WINCE?

Are you wearing a wince?
I see you’re pointing your toes
Did the nasty aliens forget
To remove your anal probe?"

A Little Bit Of Humour # 54

ARE YOU WEARING A POUT?

Are you wearing a pout?
Well it’s bold without a doubt
But the overwhelming impression
Is that you look like a trout

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEASANT LOOK?

Are you wearing a pleasant look?
It’s effecting me quite unnervingly
Clearly the fact that you’re smiling
Should on its own be scaring me

MY SON CAME RUSHING HOME FROM SCHOOL

My son came rushing home from school
With great excitement from the start
“I’m in the play and I play a married man
I said "So you didn’t get a speaking part?”

MY KIDS ARE MAD AT ME

I put Ginger in the Curry
And my kids are angry at that
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that cat

MY KIDS ARE STILL MAD AT ME

I put Ginger in the Casserole
I am in trouble as is the habit
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that rabbit

CHERYL COLE LIKE OTHER CELEBS

Cheryl Cole like other celebs
Feels she’d like to do her bit
And she wants to fight Malaria
Because you’re worth it

WHEN THEY TOLD CHERYL COLE

When they told Cheryl Cole
That she had la fièvre malerial
She just thought it must be
A new product from L’Oreal

NOT MY BETTER HALF

I went out with him
Because he was laugh
But now he’s just become
My bitter half

SHE WAS A REAL GOLD DIGGER

She was a real gold digger
And one of life’s man eaters
Who went about her task
With a net and a team of beaters

HE WAS A ROGUE WHEN HE LIVED

He was a rogue when he lived
And won’t be missed a bit
When you lay him in a box
Don’t buy the expensive kit
Or he’ll return from beyond
And then he’ll try to sell it

SHE LOOKED TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

She looked gorgeous in
Black stockings and stiletto shoes
But after we got naked
I was singing the lady boy blues

I HAD TO DUMP MY GIRLFRIEND

I had to dump my girlfriend
I met her thru a dating agency
Because she thought that scruples
Was the Russian currency

THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING

I am not opposed to the clocks
Going forward in the spring
But it could be handled better
To make it less exhausting
Take the hour from Friday afternoon
Instead of Sunday morning

ARE YOU WEARING A HAIR PIECE?

Are you wearing a hair piece?
Well that shouldn’t be a gobsmack
The wig is a shade of brown
And your own hair is jet black

ARE YOU WEARING A DUNCE’S CAP?

Are you wearing a dunce’s cap?
Of course that’s not inappropriate
I’m sorry to act surprised it’s my fault.
For a second I forgot you were an idiot

A Little Bit Of Humour # 53

ARE YOU WEARING A MAGICIAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a magician’s hat?
Are you in the magic circle sphere?
But I have been wondering why
You made your clothes disappear

ARE YOU WEARING DANCING PUMPS?

Are you wearing dancing pumps?
Just like the great Darcy Bussle
But with your unusual body shape
Take care you don’t pull a muscle

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 2

Are you wearing a corsage?
On your elegant wrist
As you stand in the moonlight
And are sweetly kissed

ARE YOU WEARING AN ORCHID?

Are you wearing an orchid?
What a beautiful creation
Almost as beautiful as you
I would say without hesitation

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSEBUD?

Are you wearing a rosebud?
All delicate and pink
You’re allergic to flowers?
In which case I think
A wardrobe malfunction
Has revealed something pink

ARE YOU WEARING A BALL GOWN?

Are you wearing a ball gown?
And its a designer one too
Well you’re a bit over dressed
For feeding time at the zoo

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?

Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?

Are you wearing fishnets?
I’m glad they’re back in vogue
It’s the simple things in life
That appeal to this old rogue

ARE YOU WEARING A BABY DOLL DRESS?

Are you wearing a baby doll dress?
Well I don’t want to cause any distress
But are you sure that look is alright
When you’ve got that much cellulite

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER?

Are you wearing patent leather?
Well at least it will never weather
But I would have to say honesty
On you it looks like PVC

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE PAINTED TOE NAILS?

Are you wearing false painted toe nails?
No I don’t think that they look sweet
And I think it’s a waste of money
Simple because you have Shrek feet

ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARB?

Are you wearing sexy garb?
Well bless your heart I’m glad
But you wasted your time
Trying to look sexy is mad
You were sexy already, there
Was nothing you had to add

ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?

Are you wearing seductive garb?
Well I have to admire you style
But in order to seduce me
You need only wear a smile

ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?

Are you wearing provocative garb?
Well you might well cause some disquiet
But you are not really achieving you aim
But you might well provoke a riot

ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?

Are you wearing sexual garb?
Well I can only offer you this barb
Wearing a codpiece and a condom
Is not going to turn anyone on

ARE YOU WEARING SLUTTY GARB?

Are you wearing slutty garb?
And are you trying to talk smut
Well I admire your endeavour, but
You’re wearing too much for a slut

A Little Bit Of Humour # 52

ARE YOU WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT?

Are you wearing a football shirt?
I like lady footballers for my sins
My only regret in your regard
Is you choose shirts instead of skins

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTMALL SOCKS?

Are you wearing football socks?
Well yes you’ve got the right team
But you have forgotten to wear
The rest of the kit it would seem

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 323

Higgledy Piggledy
My pet hen
Has shat all over
The carpet again

ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY KNEES?

“Are you looking at my knees?”
She asked me right out flat
I just looked at her coyly
And said “No I’m above that”

ARE YOU WEARING BREEKS?

Are you wearing breeks?
And very fetching they are Hen
And now if you wouldn’t mind
Can you take them off again?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 324

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To where the Vodka was stashed
And on the quiet moonlit hill
The two of them got smashed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 325

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them
But we all know that Greek Giorgio
Has already Kebabed them

ARE YOU WEARING A DISGUISE?

Are you wearing a disguise?
I think that’s probably wise
For to risk discovery is rash
For special agent Dick Splash

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A GIGGLE?

Are you wearing that for a giggle?
And I love your sense of humour
And I you have a good one too
Despite the contrary rumour

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 326

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a geezer
Who stood right behind her
And gave her a goose whey hey

ARE YOU WEARING A TRICORN HAT?

Are you wearing a tricorn hat?
It looks quite comfortable
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re John Bull

ARE YOU WEARING A BICORN HAT?

Are you wearing a bicorn hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Wellington

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 327

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch the poor dog a bone
Then she remembered
She didn’t have a dog

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKED HAT?

Are you wearing a cocked hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Napolean

ARE YOU WEARING A WIZARD’S HAT?

Are you wearing a wizard’s hat?
Just like they do at Hogwarts
But it’s not really appropriate
For when you’re playing sports

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 328

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Its two and a half p now
But that doesn’t rhyme

A Little Bit Of Humour # 51

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 1

Are you wearing a corsage?
On your ample rounded breast
What a beautiful creation
I like the little rose bud best

SNOW NOTSO-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DIRTY DWARFS

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go
We all have ways to relax at night
Cokey snorts some Snow White
Creepy likes flashing in the park
Sleezy self abuses in the dark
Gropey likes trains in rush hour
Humpy pays for girls by the hour
Lustful hangs around at the docks
And Prof comes home with the pox

SALT AND SHAKE

When I was a kid all crisps were plain
But we didn’t care about that a jot
After all we still had the choice
Of whether to put the salt on or not

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 319

Mary had a little bra
Which wasn’t really fair
Because like her mother
She had a massive pair

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DAY WEEK

On Monday Snow White feels Sneezy
On Tuesday she’s feeling grumpy
By Wednesday she feels Dopey
And On Thursday she’s feeling Bashful
On Friday Snow White feels Happy
And On Saturday she feels Sleepy
But on Sunday when she wants a rest
Then Doc gets inside her vest

ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER EYE LASHES?

Are you wearing glitter eye lashes?
It’s a very interesting look
Not enough people make themselves
Appear ridiculous in my book

ARE YOU WEARING A CHEST WIG?

Are you wearing a chest wig?
Did you get it off a yeti?
He must be cold without it
But it does suit you Betty

WE USED TO EAT A LOT OF RICE

We used to eat a lot of rice
When I was a boy, no kidding
But never for our dinner, we had it
With condensed milk for pudding

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 320

Mary had some little drawers
Which always struck me dumb
Because like her mother
She had a massive bum

ARE YOU WEARING A SLEEPSUIT?

Are you wearing a sleepsuit?
Well on a baby it looks cute
Even on my girlfriend it can
But not on a fifty year old man

ARE YOU WEARING PJ’S?

Are you wearing PJ’s?
Well all I can say is phwor
Betty Boop is my favourite
And I’ve never wanted you more

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 321

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Unlike all her mates
Who had theirs waxed

ARE YOU WEARING A REPLICA SHIRT?

Are you wearing a replica shirt?
So what team is it you support?
I don’t recognise the badge
Who the hell are Southport?

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL BOOTS?

Are you wearing football boots?
Well I can see you’re ready to play
I have just one small criticism
Namely we’re playing golf today

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 322

It’s raining its pouring
The weather’s wet and stormy
I went to bed because they said
It’s due to global warming

A Little Bit Of Humour # 50

ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?

Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?
I’m almost certain there should be two
What happened to the other one?
Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?

PIZZA FAME

When my Dad was just a boy
He had never heard of pizza
But he thought it was famed
For having a leaning tower

YOU CAN STOP MILK TURNING SOUR

You can stop milk turning sour
And I can tell you how
There is one sure fire way
And that’s to keep it in the cow

I WAS ABSOLUTELY GUTTED WHEN I FOUND

I was absolutely gutted when I found
My wife was having an affair
A friend Mo, said turn to religion
And she can be stoned in the town square

GET A PENIS ENLARGER

“Get a penis enlarger”
My wife once said to me
So I found myself
Twenty year old Kelly

JOHN WAS THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL

John was thrown out of school
Because a girl played with his nob
That’s the third school in a year
He won’t easily find another job

WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, A WOMAN

When times are hard, a woman
Must resort to sexual intimacies
Due to the high cost of living
She can’t afford the batteries

DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE IN WOKING

Due to a water shortage in Woking
The Council has issued an edict
And the swimming pools response
Is to close lanes four, five and six

HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Well we don’t exactly work at night
We just Pimp out Snow White

JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC

Just a tantalising hint of the exotic
Beneath the hem of your skirt
I’m interested in whatever it is
It’s quite driving me berserk

Can you give me the slightest hint?
Or be upfront I really don’t mind
I won’t be embarrassed at all
I love underwear of any kind

The garment into which you slipped
If it’s an under slip, something of that kind
If you were to slip yourself out of it
If you felt so inclined I wouldn’t mind

YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED

You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures

HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH

His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centered around
Getting into her shorts
And when the act was culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t the only one
With dirty thoughts

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY EX WIFE

I tried to explain to my ex wife
The basic premise of reincarnation
Which is that when you die you get
To return as part of God’s creation
But, you come back as a different creature
After a moment’s thought she said
“I want to come back as a cow “
The concept had clearly gone over her head

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 318

Three each day
Seven days a week
Ruddy Apple
Ruddy Cheek
Hardly a varied diet
Is it?


ARE YOU WEARING CORDUROY?

Are you wearing corduroy?
Oh you twenty-first century boy
You’re dressed as teacher would be
If he lived in nineteen seventy

A Little Bit Of Humour # 49

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR FUN?

Are you wearing it for fun?
Well that a very funny one
But what’s even funnier
Is that your flies are undone

TAKEAWAYS

When my Dad was just a boy
They didn’t have takeaways
Except in maths which were
Called subtraction in olden days

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 317

Jack Spratt ate not fat
His wife would eat no lean
So she is clinically obese
And he looks like a bean

ARE YOU WEARING A DOILY?

Are you wearing a doily?
Oh it’s some kind of hat?
Oh it’s called a fascinator?
Well I never heard of that

I GOT A TABLET FOR MY BIRTHDAY

I got a Tablet for my Birthday
My wife said “Hip hip hooray”
And I lost all interest in the plasma
When I saw it was Viagra

OPTIMISTS SEE THE WORLD

Optimists see the world,
Each and every day anew
Through Rose tinted lenses
The tint of mine is blue
Which colour my world
With everything I view

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL OR TWO

If you get an email or two
About catching Swine Flu
From tinned cooked ham
Delete them as its Spam

WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS COVERED

When I was a kid I was covered
In chocolate cake dough
Cherries and whipped cream
Life was hard in the gateau

SHE SAID SHE LIKED THE FOUR SEASONS

She said she liked the four seasons
When we first met
So for our first anniversary
I bought her a cruet set

FILTRATION IS ONE OF THE PROCESSES

Filtration is one of the processes
By which water can be made safe to drink
Flirtation is one of the processes
By which couples can see what they think

IT IS A PIVOTAL POINT IN HIS LIFE

It is a pivotal point in his life
When a boy reaches puberty
As he says goodbye to boyhood
And is on the way to his adultery

THE MOST COMMON FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL

The most common form of birth control
Is not as is widely believed, contraception
Birth control is when a man says he wants sex
And the woman employs contradiction

WHEN I PHONE A WOMAN

When I phone a woman
And talk dirty to her
I’m a sexual harasser

But when a woman
Talks dirty to me
I am a good customer

I WAS APPROACHED BY A WOMAN

I was approached by a woman
Doing customer researcher
I decided as I wasn’t in a hurry
I would stop and assist her
"What do you use for grooming?
Perhaps you could take a look”
“No need to consult your list”
I said “I only use “Facebook””

I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE PARK

I met a beautiful girl in the park
And the sparks flew, literally
She knocked me off my feet
Because she used a Taser on me