A Humourous Selection # 19

CUPID’S LAST HURRAH

I’m waiting for cupid’s last hurrah
To feel once more his arrowed sting
One last lighting bolt
From the heavens
Signalling one last chance of true love
A final breath of wind
Blown onto passions dying embers

TEMPERAMENTAL

Your temperament is no cause for alarm
At the end of the day no foul no harm
Being a crabby bitch is just part of your charm

LESBIAN CARPENTER

My sister has an unusual trade,
She is a lesbian carpenter
There are certain criteria
Which really seem to suit her
No male / female joining
No screwing required
No nuts or penetrative bolts
Only tongue and groove is desired

SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL

A man living in Bristol
Has been shot with a starting pistol;
The police have now stated
That it's definitely race related.

DO YOU NEED A BAG

A man said to the chemist
"Give me three packets of condoms miss."
She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"
He said, “No she’s quite a looker”

FISHY BLONDE

Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet
"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.
The Vet took a good long look
Then stood scratching his head

"It seems calm enough to me".
Said the puzzled vet,
Bimbette replied
"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".

BLONDE POST

The letterbox rattled
As the post came through the door
One after another
They landed on the floor

The top most envelope
Was from Bimbette’s friend
But emblazoned on it
Were the words "DO NOT BEND"

Bimbette pondered for some time
About that piece of post
How was she to pick it up?
Puzzled her most

BIMBETTES LOST DOG

Bimbette lost her dog
And she was distraught
Peaches, to cheer her up
Said I think you ought
To advertise in the paper
Just give it a whirl
So she wrote the ad
“Come here girl”

SLEEPLESS NIGHT

I lay in bed quite restless
In a measure of distress
Uncomfortable in my nightdress
And I started to obsess

Why was the sun an absentee?
Then quite suddenly
At half past three
It dawned on me

ALPINE QUERY

“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?
“I’m sorry son I cannot say
Ask your mother she’s the one
Who tidies all the stuff away”?

A Humourous Selection # 18

ALIMONY VENDOR

A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey

PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE

This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun

Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun

SELF-MEDICATING

There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not

THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION

They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies

LAZARUS PILL # 1

There is a pill that I have to take
For recreation the doctor said
It’s a very special little blue pill
And I use it to raise up the dead

KILLER PILL

I was given from the dispensary
After my surgery
By a doctor so proficient
A tablet so efficient
That it dislocates your brain
So you really feel no pain

PILL POPPER # 1

Red and yellow and
Pink and Green
Purple and orange and blue

I take pills akimbo
Pills akimbo
I take quite a few

PILL POPPER # 2

I have to take so many pills
To cure my numerous ills
And for me they go to battle
But I’m afraid I’ll start to rattle

MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

As I stood on my drive
I saw cracking little lass
Bend over on the footpath
Showing me her ass

My high blood pressure
Went up even more
Then my pacemaker
Opened the garage door

FEEL YOUR AGE

You know I still feel
"Young at heart"
But considerably older
In every other part

JUST A DASH

Pour me a Scotch Whisky
With only two drops of water
Please can you do that for me?
My dearest daughter
For at my age I can hold my liquor
But I can’t hold my water

ADOPT A WILD CAT

They want me to adopt a wild cat
Which is quite absurd
Where on earth am I going to keep
A fully-grown Leopard?

HE CAME IN THE NIGHT

He came in the night
The consummate thief
The taker of souls
Stealer of the cherished
Inhabitor of shadows
Blackness draping him
Like the night itself
The grim reaper
The snuffer of candles
The snatcher of life
The author of my grief

DEATH CAME AS NO SURPRISE

Death came as no surprise
So I cannot understand why
I am full to over flowing
With tears I cannot cry

A Humourous Selection # 17

THE STUFF OF DREAMS

Let me say this from the start
You’re a lovely bit of stuff
I say this in all sincerity
You’re a gorgeous piece of fluff
I can’t emphasize this enough
You are truly cute and buff
What I wouldn’t freely give
To spy you in the buff
And what I wouldn’t do
For a glimpse of your chuff
Just to see if there is parity
Between collar and cuff

CALL CENTER MODE YET AGAIN

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
Bimbette replied to him
“I have a problem printing in red”
He asked, “Do you have a colour printer”?
Then the line went dead

INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS

At 3am there was a knock at the door
It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet
3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?
Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet
All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam
I was still up playing my trumpet

MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST

He called out to his wife
As he sat watching TV
"When I die I’m going to leave
Everything to you sweety!"
She shouted back,
"You already do, you lazy B"

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2

Though not the type
To put it about
She was a looker
Without a doubt
It’s a shame
I’m not in with a shout
I’ll just go home
And knock one out

MY MISSING WIFE

My wife has been missing for a week
The Police haven’t found her yet
They told me to prepare for the worst
So I've put all her clothes back in the closet

DYNAMITE BLONDE

The body builder took off his vest
And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest
it’s because of all the exercising maybe”
He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

The body builder took off his trousers
And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers
What great legs you have, strong like iron!”
He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'

The body builder took off his shorts
But instead of complimentary retorts
Bimbette ran away screaming in fear
“I’m getting the hell out of here”

He quickly got dressed and followed on
And earnestly asked her what was wrong
“I got afraid of all that dynamite because
When I saw how short the fuse was!”

HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR

I told a joke about alternative medicine
And it only raised a smirk
That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour
It doesn’t really work

WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY

My wife and I walked passed,
A very posh restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
She said and she was quite right

Being something of thoughtful man
I mused as we walked along the street
“Oh what the hell she deserves it”
So I walked her passed again as a treat

SHIRK ETHIC

I’m not possessed of the work ethic
But I don’t mind going there
However the eight-hour wait
To go home is a real nightmare

A Humourous Selection # 16

FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 2

How is it that women can go through childbirth?
With all its inherent agony
Yet manage to scare themselves to death
At the sight of a dust bunny

REFRESHING SUPPORT

My wife left the house last week
For a pint of milk and never came back
Everyone keeps asking how I’m coping
But I used the powdered or had it black

CRASH PROCEDURE

As the 747 was falling
Uncontrollably from the sky
A female passenger ripped off her clothes
And began to cry
“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?
Before I die”?
A man stood up and took off his shirt
“Here iron this,” said the guy

I’M A FREE AGENT ONCE AGAIN

I’m a free agent once again
Since I broke up with my optician girlfriend
She was very nice but to be honest
It was our sex life in the end
That broke up our bliss
She kept saying “is it better like this or this”?

BLONDE BIRD

Peaches suddenly said
“Look at the dead bird there”
Bimbette at once looked up
And said “where”?

BLONDE NITWIT

A traffic cop saw Bimbette knitting while driving
And couldn’t believe his eyes at all
He angrily shouted at her “Pull over, pull over”
She shouted back “no, it’s a shawl”

CALL CENTER MODE AGAIN

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"

“Ok” said the tech support guy
“What's on your monitor now, miss?
“An elephant my boyfriend bought me
And a kangaroo called Kriss”

MODERN AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERING

Conceived by savants
Designed by computers
Precision Built by robots
And driven by commuters

FLIRT IN A SKIRT

Everything limber
Everything pert
The quivering flesh
In a well filled shirt
The flattering flutter
Of a pleated skirt
The coquettish look
Of an obvious flirt

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 1

Long slender legs
That caught the eye
Atop a stockined limb
A glimpse of thigh
A hint of lace
As she passes by
And a look that says
“Don’t even try”

Olympic Humour 2012

LONDON 2012 # 1

After seven long years
Of blood sweat and tears
The games can commence
And that test of human endurance
Can come to an end
As we abandon that trend
That has made us all cringe
The seven-year Olympic whinge

A GYMNAST AND A POLE DANCER

A gymnast and a pole dancer
Both skilled and both work hard
The only difference between them
It seems to me is a leotard
LONDON 2012 # 2

Alas I was in error
There is no end to the terror
Alas I was sadly wrong
The Olympic whinge goes on

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

I love the girl’s Beach Volleyball
I’m really very keen
It’s not like a proper beach though
For a start it’s just to clean
No cigarette ends or beer cans
And not a used condom to be seen

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS

I love the Olympics
And now it’s on home soil
It gives us an opportunity
As our competitors toil

To see them taking part
In events of this and that
Of seeing all the many sports
The team GB are so awful at

THE MCCARTNEY TRIALS 2012

I enjoyed the Jubilee concert
It was a wonderful night
I thought the opening ceremony
For the games was just right

But before any other major events
I want to know one thing
When is someone going to tell sir Paul?
That he can’t bloody sing

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 16) Georgian Bathroom

I felt suitably refreshed after having two showers in fairly close order either side of the lovely Miss Gomez’s display of versatility by giving a fine oral performance on my instrument.
Despite the rather lengthy ablutions and the felatio I got to the Gregory house about ten minutes ahead of schedule to find Geoffrey, Georgie’s dad, had started loading the car without me and Georgia hadn’t arrived home from work yet.
“Hold on Geoff, you should have waited for me”
"Hello Simon" he said "I just thought I’d make a start as Georgia’s running late"
"Come on then I'll give you a hand"
We had it all loaded and were sitting in the kitchen by the time Georgia got home.
"Sorry I’m late" She said "The Snipe was being a right pain in the arse"
"The Snipe" she was referring to was Agnes Snipe, Georgia’s boss at the Golf club.
"Don’t worry darling" Geoff said "Simon and I have the car loaded"
"Really?" She said "my heroes" and kissed us both.
She then joined us in a cuppa before going to get changed she was only gone about half an hour and when she came back she was wearing a short denim skirt and a pale blue short sleeved shirt, low cut to show off her lovely tits, and not forgetting blue and white ankle socks.
Her bobbed brunette hair was still wet from the shower and left damp splodges on the shoulders of her top.
"Do you want something to eat" Laura asked, Laura was Georgia’s mum
"No thanks mum" she answered "We're eating there"
She looked up at the clock then turned to me and said
"We need to get going"

The fact we were an hour late leaving didn’t hamper us in any way in fact because the traffic was lighter we got to the house only ten minutes later than we had originally planned.
They were just taking dinner orders as we arrived so I let Georgia choose and I started unloading the car.
It was slightly harder work getting it out of the car and into her room than it was getting it loaded back at her house.
Still a couple of the other lads lent a hand and it was soon done and with perfect timing just as I closed the boot down the pizzas arrived.
Georgia and I took the last two remaining places in the lounge, which were in the window.

There were nineteen people sitting in the lounge drinking wine and eating pizza, not my favourite fast food I have to say, of which I was the oldest by almost a decade
There were the six housemates and partners plus an assortment of friends,
It wasn’t a bad sized room with three large sofas in it but it was never intended to accommodate nineteen people.
Georgia and I were seated on the deep windowsill in the bay window.
With a gap of about two feet between us and the back of one of the sofas.
This afforded me a great view down the tops of two girls seated on the sofa one of the was a skinny braless girl with tits like roof tillers nail bags while the other had a fine pair contained in a green lacy number about two sizes two small and definitely not up to the job.
The cups were so small that both areolas were clearly visible above the line of green lace.
Georgia suddenly slapped my thigh
“Are you looking at my friends tits?”
She whispered in my ear, I’m not sure why she whispered it; the room was so noisy she could have used a bullhorn and no one would have overheard her.
“Yes of course, what a stupid question” I replied above a whisper
“You’re a dirty bastard,” she said laughing
Then she put her hand on my lap and started stroking my sleeping soldier who was already half awake.
“Already?” she asked wide-eyed
I shrugged nonchalantly, and she continued stroking.
A few minutes later Amy, the girl with the big tits and the small bra, turned round and spoke.
“Here George look at this”
Georgia leant over the sofa between Amy and the scraggy titted girl looking at something on Amy’s Blackberry.
They were all three of them laughing as I slid my hand up Georgie’s skirt and she didn’t bat an eye lid, not even when I pulled her knickers off her buttocks and half way down her thighs, nor again when I fondled her cheeks.
Only a few moments after my fingers parted her lips did she call a halt to my mischief and sit back down.
Then she smiled a saucy smile at me and took her knickers all the way off before stuffing them in my trouser pocket.
“I don’t think I’m going to be needing them” she said and placed my hand between her knees.
We were seated in the perfect place for our purposes. We could see everyone else but they couldn’t see anything of us below the chest, unless they were stood directly facing us and if anyone did that we would stop.
While my hand slid purposefully between her thighs, hers had now returned to my growing erection and she stroked my cock through my shorts.
As my hand neared its destination I felt the hair of her bush brushing the skin on the back of my hand.
Then my fingers homed in on her pussy, when she was standing bent over the sofa she was deliciously moist too my touch but when I returned to the seat of her moistness I found her creamily wet and she let out a little gasp as my finger went in her. No one heard it; it was still far too noisy in the room.
But I couldn’t take her too far because even with the decibel level as high as it was in that place, they would certainly here miss Gregory come.

It was just when I was getting her well lathered up that the lights suddenly went on and the music stopped and some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to raise a toast to there new abode.
Georgia tutted and pulled me out of her and closed her thighs tight.
“Cheers” she said smiling falsely.
The moment the chinking of glasses was over Georgia was on her feet saying
"Come and give me a hand with those boxes then"
Now its all very well when you’re a woman and the fun has to stop, because when leaving the room she merely has to contend with sticky thighs.
I had my shorts filled with a huge boner, standing up was difficult and painful and so was walking, but the main problem was concealment.
Behind the sofa it went unseen in a crowded room it was almost another person.
I tapped Georgia on the shoulder
"What?" she said impatiently
I indicated my predicament with my eyes and she looked down and smiled.
She then picked up our empty pizza box and put it in front of my bulging shorts.
"Can we go now?" she said sarcastically
I nodded and then gingerly followed her out of the room.
Once in the hallway I dispensed with the pizza box and pursued her up the stairs she was unhindered by a swollen organ so was taking the stairs two at a time, my progress was a good deal slower and when I reached her room she was removing her bra through her shirt sleeve, I loved it when women did that, having already removed her skirt and
She was standing in the room her nipples pushing proudly through the fabric of her top and her lush brown bush clearly on display.
“Come here” she beckoned “let me make you more comfortable”
Making me more comfortable involved her undoing my shorts and yanking my cock out and playing with it.
“You’re very eager miss Gregory” I said and kissed her
“I’m not going to see you until Sunday” she said
“Its only two days” I was playing with her tits now teasing her nipple through the fabric
“Exactly that’s why I need it now”
“What are you going to do when Uni starts?” I asked
“You’re not the only one with a wankbank you know” she said
If I hadn’t been rock hard by then that would have done it.
“I want you so bad” Georgia begged as she pulled of my shirt.
“There’s no room on the bed” I pointed out
“You didn’t need a bed the first time you forced yourself on me”
“I don’t remember needing to be particularly forceful,” I reminded her
“Oh Simon Please, don’t stop” I mimicked
“Just shut up and fuck me”
I looked around the room and there really wasn’t anywhere.
We looked at each other
“Bathroom” we said in unison
We quietly open the door and crossed the landing Georgia first, wearing her blue top, ankle socks and showing off her very hairy bush
I followed wearing sports socks but my cock beat me there by a short head.
Once inside I bolted the door and sat her on the shelf and positioned her just the way I did the first time I penetrated her tight cunny.
I pulled her top off over her head and played with her tits as she steered my cock towards her pussy and rubbed my knob between her wet lips then she left it poised, I twitched my shaft and my head danced lightly around her hole, the she grasped my buttocks digging her nails into the flesh and pulled me into her
“Oh Simon” she moaned
Being inside her was like wearing a liquid velvet sheath
She was so hot and she was so creamy it was like bathing my shaft in warm treacle.
As I pumped into her she let out deep rasping moans
“Simon, Simon” she panted
Then her breaths became coarser and her moans deeper
Her thighs were holding my hips like a vice and her ankles were crossed beneath my buttocks and holding my inside her.
I could only give her short measured stroked but with each one
“Oh”
Another
“Oh”
Another
“Oh”
Again
“Ohh”
Again
“Ohhh”
Just one more stroke
“Ohhhhhhhhh” and she came and I followed
Then she kissed me
“God Simon it just keeps getting better”
“It was ok then?” I panted
“You know damn well it was cocky”
We stayed conjoined for a few minutes as she milked every last drop from me.
Before we had to cross the landing back to the room almost naked looking quite rightly like we’d been shagging in the bathroom.
Luckily no one saw us but we were definitely overheard judging my some of the looks we got as we were leaving.

When I got back to the Gregory’s it was quite late so I was planning to just park the car and pop the keys through the letter box.
But just as I was about to post the keys through the door opened, it was Geoffrey.
“Ah Hello Simon I thought I heard the car door” he said
“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said apologetically
“No I hadn’t turned in yet come in for a nightcap and tell us the tale”
So I spent the next half an hour telling him about the house and her friends, which was a quite uncomfortable experience for me, on one hand because I didn’t know how much Georgia would want me to tell them about her student life while on the other because inside my sticky underwear some of my pubic hair was stuck to my thigh.

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 15) See Emily Play

had been a most unproductive Friday and I was not in the best of moods.
I had been on the phone all morning, not one of my favourite activities, firstly I had a very long winded call from my agent about a literary dinner in Swindon, which was now only a few days away, he thought I should attend as I was nominated in two categories, I had decided just to ignore it as it was in Swindon.
I wasn’t keen at all and I normally only accepted those kinds of invitations in order to facilitate a night of carnal debauchery with Claire Andrews, also known as Dr Lazarus.
So I declined, my agent insisted, I declined again, he insisted again, I declined more emphatically, he insisted more forcefully,
Eventually and with great reluctance I agreed if for no other reason than to get him off the phone.
I then called Claire to see if she was available to disgrace her self in my company once again this time in Swindon.
At first she was up for it but as it was only a few days away so she had to decline, basically in Rugby parlance she had to "declare a blood injury" so that was that.
Then I called my cousin Molly, always good company and always a good shag,
Strike two, she was on nights for the next week.
Georgia was working that night; Pandora had to look after the kids and so on and so fourth.
So not only did I have to go to Swindon and rub shoulders with a bunch of self obsessed writers I now had to stay over night without one of my favourite bed warmers.

So it was late afternoon when I decided it was time to shower and get ready for my date with Georgia, well I say date it was more of a mission.
She would be returning to University at Roehampton in a few weeks time for her final year.
And Georgia and a bunch of friends had rented an old Victorian house and I was helping her move her stuff in.
Under normal circumstances they would have moved in at the beginning of July but the week before their tenancy began the water tank in the loft sprang a leak and brought down the ceiling and made quite a mess.
So the occupancy had been delayed while the repairs were being done, now that they were complete the whole group were moving their stuff in.
They did have the option to renew their tenancy in the house they were in the previous year but it had turned out to be a bit of a slum.
I was going to walk up to Georgia’s when she finished work so we could load all her stuff into the Gregory’s Peugeot estate.
We would then unload her stuff into her room, have a take away with her friends then I would leave her up there to unpack her stuff and drive the car back to Bushy Down and then she would come back by train on Sunday morning.
All of her friends were staying in the house until term began but Georgia needed to work at the club until the very last minute to earn as much cash as possible.
I had no idea what to wear to sit and socialize with students a decade younger than I.
I was still pondering this conundrum when there was a knock on the French window.

When I looked I couldn’t see anyone at first but on closer perusal I could see it was Emily Gomez.
Emily was wearing knee length blue shorts, tight like leggings and a kind of short floral summer dress, scooped down at the front, fitted at the waist and just about long enough to cover her bum.
“Hello hon” I said opening the door
“Where’s your buddy?”
Her “buddy” was Jenny Smithson her best friend.
Inseparable since kindergarten, a perfect friendship, they complimented each other.
Although there were similarities, they were both beauties for a start, their likes and dislikes, sense of humour but really as individuals they couldn’t be more different.
Emily was dark and dusky and had no fear Jenny was pale and freckly and would tremble in shadows.
Emily was an extrovert, precocious, a real Lolita.
She's very confident, self-assured, and pretty and she knew it though not in a cocky way.
Jenny on the other hand, though also very pretty, was unsure of it.
She was shy and socially awkward and lacked self-confidence
Being with Emily made Jenny feel more confident, daring to do things she would never do alone, she lived her life on Emily’s coat tails and without Emily she floundered.
“She’s at the dentist,” Emily answered
“Have you come to play”? I asked hopefully
“No such luck” Came the reply
I looked at quizzically
“I’m on the blob,” she said
“So no I’m not here so that you can further sully my beautiful young form”
“That’s a shame” I said “I’m pretty good at sullying”
“Yes you are,” she said wistfully
“So what’s up then?” I asked
“We have the builders in at home and mum doesn’t want me alone in the house with the rough workmen in case I get tainted or have my innocence blemished”
“And she sent you here?”
“Yes ironic isn’t it?” she laughed
What was ironic was that her parents had the builders in and she had the decorators.
It was only a few weeks earlier that I took Emily’s innocence and I had been tainting her on a fairly regular basis ever since.
“Mum said I should come here and she’ll pick me up”
“No problem” I said
“Its only for today, we’re off to Mauritius tomorrow for three weeks”
She said with slightly less enthusiasm that you would expect.
“That’s lovely isn’t it”? I offered
“Yes but I’ll miss all the fun” she said
“Fun” was Emily’s euphemism for cock
Because she was a foot shorter than me I could easily look down her top at her beautiful brown muffins and I longed to play with her chocolate teats.
“Jenny will be lost while you’re away,” I said
“You could keep her entertained,” she suggested
“Alas I think she’s too shy for that” I said regretfully
“She wants too,” Emily said indiscreetly
I thought to myself I would quite like too as well.
Then as if to change the subject she asked
“Could I have a drink?”
“Of course help yourself” I replied, “You know where the glasses are”
The glasses were in the top cupboard and being only five foot one she had to stand on tiptoe to reach and the act of stretching up her arm raised the hem of her skirt to expose the curves of her perfect little cheeks in her skin tight shorts.
When she had retrieved a glass she turned and looked at me.
"Were you staring at my bum?" she asked accusingly
"Of course"
"You’re a terrible letch,” she said
“No I’m actually a very good letch” I corrected her "don’t you like me looking?"
“Of course I do” she said and blushed and then she walked across the kitchen and said before she kissed me
“I like you touching too”
I took the opportunity to grab her tight little arse and cupped a delicious cheek in each hand.
The kiss lasted about a minute and when our lips parted she said
"Shame about the fun"
I was thinking the same thing and at that moment I cursed her curse as my cock swelled in my pants.
I thought that was a good time to leave
“Make yourself a sandwich” I said “I need to jump in the shower”
I had a lovely hot shower in the en suite although a cold one might have been more appropriate as I was sporting a huge erection.
Once out of the shower I realized I only had a hand towel “That’s barely big enough to dry my balls” I thought.
So I dabbed my face dry with it and walked off across the landing to get a bath towel from the airing cupboard, which was just inside the door of the main bathroom.
I walked across the landing and opened the bathroom door stepped through and opened the airing cupboard.
I took out a large fluffy bath towel off the top shelf and closed the door that was when I realized Emily was sat on the toilet.
Leggings and knickers round her knees and Dress hoisted up around her middle her thick black bush clearly visible.
"I'm so sorry Em" I said in a fluster "I just didn’t think"
"I am so, so sorry"
Then I hurried out of the door and back to the sanctuary of my room where I could hide my embarrassment,
I went back into the en suite and dried myself thoroughly and I was surprised to find I still had a substantial stalk on.
When I walked back into my bedroom I found Emily sitting on my bed.
I jumped when I saw her there and I flustered again.
"I really am sorry hon"
"Its ok” she said “I’m not cross, you’ve seen everything I’ve got already"
“That’s not the point” I said
I noticed her eyes were fixed on my cock and wondered what was going through her mind.
Maybe she wanted me to do her in the bathroom while she was blobby.
I hoped she didn’t want anal.
"Is your cock always hard?"
"No only when" and I nearly said when only there was a woman close by but stopped myself just in time. "You’re around"
"It doesn’t do that just for me" and she laughed
“So why is it hard now?” She asked curiously still staring at my erection.
“Dirty thoughts” I said
“Really? What were you thinking about?”
“You of course” I said “I was thinking about making love to you in that bed when you were naked, wriggling and squirming beneath me”
Then she reached out and grabbed hold of it and pulled me towards her then for the first time she took her eyes off my cock and looked at my face as she played with me.
I closed my eyes as she gently tugged on me and then I felt delicate soft kisses on my sensitive knob.
This was a surprise; I hadn’t introduced her to this yet as part of her sexual education.
Then her tongue flicked around my helmet in quick feather light licks.
And all at once in one smooth slurping instant I was in her mouth.
I could feel Emily’s fingers still caressing my shaft lightly and
I looked down just as my glistening wet knob reappeared accompanied by a sucking sound, she looked up and smiled wickedly.
And then she devoured me again with her hot mouth
I could see the bulge of my cock in her cheek as she sucked on me.
Her fingers tightened their grip on my shaft as her demerara lips were slurping around my cock.
“Oh that’s so nice Honey,” I gasped
“Wham whi whoing whit whighk?” Emily mumbled inaudibly
Which I interpreted to mean were her efforts to my satisfaction
“Oh yes Honey”
I would normally at his point be considering the next chapter of the story.
“It’s a shame she’s on the blob” I thought, I could fuck her up the arse but I hadn’t introduced her to that kind of sex and it’s really not my kind of thing anyway.
It would have to either be a titwank or as I was already in her mouth let her suck me off.
I was fast approaching the point of no return and I could tell by the lip smacking and slurping that she had already decided what she wanted to do.
One hand was on the back of her head; fingers threaded amongst her thick black curls while the other caressed her bulging cheek.
Her fingers were gripped tight around the base of my shaft and tugging on me furiously.
Then Emily took one final pause for air before my saliva soaked cock slipped comfortably between her dark lips again.
Her mouth sealed tight around my throbbing cock and snorting through her nose, her mouth joined the busy little fingers in the rhythmic wanking.
I was so close now and Emily could sense it and she was going at me like fury,
So close, so close
“Oh Emily”
My buttocks clenched tight
Closer, closer
“Emily, Emily”
And then my hands are pulling her head onto me as I shoot and her eager lips sucked me dry.
Just then the doorbell rang.
Emily was still grasping me and sucking and licking at the last of my seed.
Then her lips smacked one last time as her lips released my shaft.
“Was that ok”? She asked and kissed my helmet
“Oh yes baby” I said and I kissed her forehead
“And when you get back from Mauritius I am going to give you so much fun your toes will curl”
“Goody” she said with what could only be described as a leer
The doorbell rang again.
I quickly put some clothes on with Emily watching my every move and looking very pleased with herself, which she deserved to do, it wasn’t the best blowjob I’d ever had, but jeez it was close enough.
I grabbed her hand and went downstairs to open the door.
I sent Emily too the kitchen and I opened the door.
“Hello Mrs. Gomez” I said warmly “Emily is in the kitchen”
“Hello Simon, Thank you so much for doing this, she just wouldn’t have been safe with those builders,” she babbled her way through the kitchen door “you know how naïve she is”
Emily was sat at the table an empty plate in from of her and that was when I noticed she had a small dribble of my gentleman’s relish in the corner of her mouth.
“For goodness sake Emily, wipe that salad dressing off your lip darling”
Then to me she said
“I do apologize Simon she has such terrible manners”
Then I said, “I know she talks with her mouth full too”
Emily went bright red as she wiped my cum off her mouth with a tissue.
Mrs. Gomez excused herself and said she would wait in the car.
“You could have told me,” Emily said just as the door closed laughed and punched me.
I made sure that Emily sluiced with mouthwash before I let leave the house.
I didn’t want her going home with penis breath.
Also I wanted to give her a proper goodbye kiss before she went on holiday.
Then I had another shower.