A Stocking Full Of Christmas # 1

MOTHER CHRISTMAS, THANKS

Mums make Christmas
Only they can
That is a fact of life
Her mission is simple
Every year
Recreating the day

Christmas for her
Holidays for her
Require of her to
Illuminate the season
Supply an army
Trim and decorate
Make and manufacture
Aid and assist
Sustain and nourish

Thank her
Honour her
Assist her
Neglect her not
Kids and spouses
Should respect her

THE LITTLE CHRISTINGLE GIRL

Oh sweet little Christingle girl
Your daddy is so very far away
“Bring my daddy safely home”
These are the words you pray

Oh sweet little Christingle girl
Daddy is away at the war
“Bring my daddy safely home
Bring him safely to our door”

Oh sweet little Christingle girl
How she misses daddy far away
How sad she is, he won’t be home
To be with them on Christmas day

At Sunday school she made a christingle
She took an orange to represent the world.
And to symbolize the blood Christ shed
She took the red ribbon from her curls

Then she decorated four tooth picks
With fruits and sweets and marshmallows
These she placed in the four corners
To represented all the earthly souls

Then finally in the centre of the orange
She stood a single candle of purest white
And when lit, the candle represented
The world filled with Christ’s loving light

The sweet little Christingle girl
Took it home with her that day
And stood it in the window
So daddy would find his way

And the sweet little Christingle girl
With her daddy so very far away
Knew that when he did come home
That would be their Christmas day

SANTA’S TOYS

When Santa was a boy
No bigger than an elf
He was in the workshop
Making toys himself
But he has no time now
For making his own toys
Because he’s out delivering
To all the girls and boys

CHRISTMAS AGAIN

The advent candle is lit again
The Christmas cards are writ again
Beneath the tree gifts sit again
We’ve overspent a bit again

The Christmas table is set again
Our loved ones are met again
We drink a toast of wet again
And say merry Christmas yet again

DECEMBER, DECEMBER

December, December
The snow has come
Falling all night long
Kids its time to have some fun

December, December
Children playing in the snow
Skating and sledding
Faces all aglow

December, December
More snow will come
Then all through the winter
Kids will have more fun

KRIS KRINGLE

If there is one thing
To make the senses tingle
It’s the coming of
The good Kris Kringle

On Christmas Eve
We wait and pray
For good Kris Kringle
To come our way

WE ARE THE CAROL SINGERS

We are the carol singers
Who sing carols as we go
We sing in any weather
In rain or wind or snow

At every house or cottage
That stands upon the lane
We proudly sing a carol
In snow or wind or rain

We are the carol singers
We never feel chagrined
As we proudly sing together
In snow or rain or wind

We shake the tin for charity
Singing carols as we go
We are the carol singers
In rain or wind or snow

THE MAN IN RED

Christmas Eve
It’s time for bed
Listen for the sleigh bells
Of the man in red

Cookies and milk
By the fire place
Excitement beams
From each child’s face

Up the stairs
And fast asleep
Close those eyes
You mustn’t peep

Then when you wake
You will see
Sweets and toys galore
To fill you with glee

SANTA CLAUS REALLY LOVES HIS JOB

Santa Claus really loves his job
He doesn’t do it for the money
But some times it’s a struggle
And sometimes it’s not funny
Trying to please the kids today
Is certainly no easy task
Balancing what they deserve
Against what they ask
Sometimes Santa is impatient
With the ungrateful little buggers
And pictures them in the future
As sociopaths, fraudsters or muggers
But Santa Claus really loves his job
And most of the kids are a joy
So he does try to be patient
And see the best in every girl and boy

THE SANTA BLUES

Santa Claus works really hard
Dawn till dusk all the year long
And he is happy with his team
They are always singing a song
But in December he’s in the spotlight
And he can’t put a foot wrong
He must be on his best behaviour
When Christmas Eve comes along
He doesn’t really like the limelight
It’s the back room where he belongs
And during his great journey
When he suffers the reindeers pong
It’s for his happy team of helpers
And the cosy workshop he will long
He is much happier in the workshop
Working and Singing a Christmas song

SANTA

Santa comes but once a year
Riding on his sleigh
From his North Pole HQ
With gifts for Christmas day

Santa comes down your chimney.
To fill your Christmas stockings
With nuts, fruit and candy
And all kinds of wonderful things

So remember on Christmas Eve
To be good girls and boys
Or Santa won’t come
To bring you lots of toys

CHRISTMAS WISH

I’m not looking forward to Christmas
Not since we lost Mum this year
I’m not looking forward to a Christmas
Devoid of any Christmas cheer

Dads doing his best to lift our spirits
All though inside he’s really hurting too
He wants to make it a special time
And do the things like Mum used to do

So we decked the house with garlands
And trimmed the Christmas tree
We hung the Christmas cards on strings
So that everyone could see

Then with all the decorations up
My Dad went round us one by one
To ask us what gift we wanted
And he promised his best would be done

My sister Jules wants new clothes
Kenny wants music of any kind
The twins they want an X-Box
And the baby really doesn’t mind

Then Dad asked me “what do you want son?
What gift would stop you feeling glum”?
I said “I don’t want a present Dad
All I wish for Christmas is my Mum”

VISITING SANTA

You have to wait in line
To see Santa, but that’s fine
It’s worth every minute of queuing
And the anticipation of viewing
Santa Claus with his big belly
Wobbling like a bowl full of jelly
And his fruity chuckle you hear
In the Christmas grotto each year
Then you get to climb onto his lap
And have your special Christmas chat
Then all too soon its time to go
And Santa gives you a HO HO HO

THE CHRISTMAS PUDDING

The pudding is in the basin
The cloth is tied in a knot
We put it in the boiling water
And hear it hissing in the pot

IT’S CHRISTMAS BY GOLLY

It’s Christmas by golly
Let’s hang up the holly
It’s Christmas by golly
Let’s spend all our lolly
It’s Christmas by golly
It’s the time to be jolly

THE GOOD HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE

The good husband and his wife
Are happy partners in their life
Content in each others company
They live their life quite humbly

Yet come the time of advent
All time and effort is then spent
In the seasonal preparations
Of the coming celebrations

Where the good couple dwelt
Festive odours could be smelt
As special victuals quietly matured
As they cooked and baked and cured

This went on till advent passed
And they had cooked their last
Then the boxes were well packed
To ensure that no one lacked

The boxes were then sent on their way
To be delivered for Christmas day
To the poor and needy of the town
To those that society had let down

But not all was sent on its way
There was plenty kept for Christmas day
When friends and neighbours all
Were invited to the little church hall

Where on that Christmas day
Their bounty was on display
Biscuits, bread and well filled pies
Cakes and sweets of varying size

Roasted meats, fowl and game
Fruits and nuts of every name
And a good time was had by all
At the happy feast at the church hall

The good husband and his wife
The happy partners in each others life
Content in each others company
Sat in the corner quite humbly

Spectators at the feast of their making
Quietly satisfied with their undertaking
Content with their preparations
And happy with the Christmas celebrations

Christmas Love

FIONA

I first met Fiona at a Christmas party
A beautiful woman in a young girl’s body
Fiona was far more mature than her years
And she chose me that night
Despite a host of more suitable suitors
And we danced into the night
Her firm body pressed against mine
Her intoxicating scent enveloping me
Arms clinging tightly to me
Her breath against my neck
In full view of envious eyes
And later in passionate embrace
Just the two of us in the darkness
As I kissed her goodnight

THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS

Putting up the decorations
And trimming the Christmas tree
Writing all the cards
This year from you and me

Your presents are wrapped
Only bows and tags to do
Until this moment I didn’t know
Just how much I loved you

So I will have a happy Christmas
With the love of my life
The very first Christmas
Since we became man and wife

I’M THINKING OF YOU

I’m thinking of you
As I sit here feeling blue
I miss you every day
While you are away
But duty called you
And of course I knew
You would have to go
Away to fight the foe
So I’m thinking of you
As I sit here feeling blue
Alone on Christmas day
While you are far away

CHRISTMAS CAROLE

My feelings and emotions,
Long since repressed,
Stirred from their slumber
Feelings I thought had long passed
Were awakened like a sleeping giant
Reappearing like long lost friends
Out of the blue and so unexpected
And Carole was the reason
We met by chance
A week or so before Christmas
In a crowded book shop
Amidst the throng of Christmas shoppers
We simultaneously emerged at the checkout
Both clutching a copy of the same book
The dickens classic
“A Christmas Carol”
Spotting each others proposed purchases
We both smiled
And as far as we could see
We were the only people smiling
Surrounded as we were
By a multitude of the disgruntled
I found myself suggesting coffee
And was pleasantly surprised to here her accept
Following that first chance meeting
We quickly became inseparable
We would sit and talk for hours
About everything and nothing
As we’d sit by the cosy fireside
We would share long walks in the country
And afternoons watching old movies
It soon became obvious
We had both found that elusive something
That had been just out of reach
Just over the next hill
We had found our soul mates
Now we share everything
She was the Christmas gift
I had been waiting for all my life
My very own Christmas cracker
My very own Christmas Carole

CHRISTMAS EVE

We sit beside the hearth,
Just Evelyn and I
Logs crackling in the grate
Flames are burning bright

Just the two of us
Alone in the fire side glow
Sitting in cosy comfort
Warm from head to toe

It was a year ago we met
On a very different night
When I first saw her face
In the soft glow of candle light

It was last Christmas Eve
When I first saw her
It was at midnight mass
And she was singing in the choir

She will be singing Carols
Again this Christmas Eve
We will have to stir ourselves
It’s almost time to leave

But before we leave the cosy scene
I have something to ask
But I’m a little bit scared
As I set about my task

This year has been so special
With her sharing my life
That I want Evelyn to marry me
I want her to be my wife

So as we sit beside the hearth,
Just Evelyn and I
Logs crackling in the grate
Flames burning bright

I pray that when I ask her
I get the response I dare not believe
And she will answered yes
And be MY Christmas Eve

OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART ONE)

Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
In green woolly tights and pixie shoes
I’ve admired you from a distance
Where your smile melts away my blues

I watched you bloom in the spring
And bask in the warm summer glow
Then dressed in russet colours of autumn
And all the year I’ve felt my love grow

Now winter is here and Christmas is near
Oh how I long to kiss your sweet lips so
Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
I pray I meet you beneath the mistletoe

OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART TWO)

Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
In green woolly tights and pixie shoes
Please notice me beneath the mistletoe
And kiss away my Christmas blues

Oh my pretty little elfin faced girl
I wish you would grant my Christmas wish
But it appears that I wish in vain
For you don’t even know that I exist

So I stand alone with my Christmas punch
Looking out at the fresh fallen snow
When I see your elfin face smile at me
And you’re holding a sprig of mistletoe

GIVE ME A KISS FOR CHRISTMAS

Give me a kiss for Christmas
For my love for you is strong
Give me a kiss for Christmas
I’ve been waiting oh so long

Give me a kiss for Christmas
On this special holy night
Give me a kiss for Christmas
Let me fill you with delight

Give me a kiss for Christmas
That is my only Christmas wish
I promise it will be much more
Than just another Christmas kiss

CHRISTMAS CANOODLE

She is the object of my desire
Hers is the name I sit and doodle
Oh how I long to kiss those lips
As Sweet as apple strudel
I would give every thing I own
The whole kit and caboodle
To spend one minute in her arms
And share a Christmas canoodle

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 4

All I want for Christmas
Is the special girl I love
All I want for Christmas
Is my angel from above

She need not be wrapped
And tied up with a bow
I’ll take her as she is
Smiling face aglow

Any other Christmas gift
Is valueless to me
I just want my angel
Beneath the Christmas tree

So on Christmas day
As we stand beside the tree
I will take her in my arms
And kiss her tenderly

COMPLETE CHRISTMAS

I wrapped the presents from me to you,
Only a few more things now left to do
I must hang up the bunch of mistletoe
Pour the wine and turn the lights down low
And when we cuddle up together on the seat
My Christmas really will be complete

WHEN WINTER COMES

When winter comes
And the first snowflakes fall
Who is the first one in my thoughts?
Who is the first person I call

When winter comes
And there is a fresh fall of snow
Who makes snow angels with you?
Is it that you’re the best angel maker I know?

When winter comes
And there’s fresh snow on the ground
Who builds the snowman with you?
Is it that you make the best snowmen around?

When winter comes
And we spend all of our time together
Have you ever wondered why?
Do you think that I just like the snowy weather?

When winter comes
There is a reason why every winter I call you
It’s the same reason I’ve had since we were seven
I’ve wanted to tell you but have been to scared to

When winter comes
The reason I pull off your wet gloves?
And the reason I gently warm your cold hands?
Is that you’re the one I love

CHRISTMAS PERFECTION

I found the perfect Christmas gift
And that’s what I’m unwrapping
She’s five foot two, eyes of blue
Slender, tender, figuratively cracking

So it’s a happy Christmas to me
For a very obvious reason
I’ve found myself the perfect gift
That I will enjoy all of the season

Odds And Ends

SEAT OF LEARNING

In those halcyon days at university
Our lively intelligence or our esprit
Meant heads were encouraged towards the noetic
But our hearts gravitated to embrace the poetic
Our fecund, fertile minds, proved greatly to suit
As our high minded imaginings bore great fruit

GREEN HILLS

In the lee of the mountains with snow on the ground
Sits a quaint little village with hills all around
No sign can be seen of the green grassy hills
For they lay neath the snow in the wintery chill

But the people are happy and get on with their lives
All the brothers and sisters and husbands and wives
For they know that soon the snow will turn to rain
And then they will see their green hills again

IT’S LENT ONCE MORE

It’s Lent once more
A time to cleanse the soul
Empty the trash
And let Christ keep us whole

Clear the spam
Empty the buffers of sin
Deny yourself
And let the lord back in

It’s Lent once more
Pray to your saviour for peace
Cleanse your soul
Then your penance can cease

A Jamboree Bag Full Of Humour

CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY

In the event that your nose runs
And your feet smell
Just consider the possibility
That you might be upside down

I’M BUSY DOING NOTHING

At breakfast my wife asked me
What I was doing today
“Nothing” I replied to her
“But you did nothing yesterday”
She informed me
“And now you’re doing it again today”
I replied “I’m not doing nothing, again
I didn’t finish doing it yesterday”

CO-OP COUPLE

Christopher really liked Lisa
He thought she was really quite fit
They worked together every day
At a very well known supermarket

When he asked her out she said yes
But to show that they were an item
They were shrink-wrapped together
And had a barcode label stuck on them

I DON’T BOTHER WITH FLU JABS

Its flu jab season again
But I always give them a pass
I self medicate with alcohol
It really is first class
So just say to the doc
When he starts to tut
That a shot in your glass
Is better than one in the butt

DOCTOR FEELGOOD

My doctor advised me to
Take regular exercise
Eat more fruit
And get plenty of fresh air
So I have taken his advice
I walk to the pub
I have a slice of lemon with my G&T
And I drink in the beer garden

AT KING ARTHURS COURT

Sir Lancelot was the greatest
Sir Gawain was the soundest
Sir Galahad was the purest
Sir Cumference was the roundest

SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS

When I was on an Alaskan island
I was sure i had seen an optician
Just as plain as the nose on my face
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

On the naming of a child
Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar
Protocol one
If the chosen name is Rainbow or Honey dew
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And given a book containing sensible names
This process should be repeated until a sensible choice is made
Protocol Two
If the chosen name is Chardonnay or Champagne
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And a large group of people should be assembled to laugh at them
The parents should then be given a dictionary
To look up the definitions of the names that they chose
This process should also be repeated until a sensible choice is made
Protocol Three
If the chosen name is Moonflower or Gallifrey
Then firstly the parents should be slapped
And the child should be immediately taken into care
Then the parents should be put in the stocks
So sensible people can throw rotten fruit at them
Before finally being committed to an institution

PS – Should it ever be deemed that they have been cured
They should be sterilised before release
And their names entered on the pretentious parents register

PPS - Anyone from Cardiff, The Wirral, Norfolk, Suffolk or Essex will inevitably
Name the child after a piece of fruit, a place they have visited
The name of their favourite car or a product from a supermarket
As a result these people should not be trusted to name their children.
Registrars must name the children for them
In the same way that Hurricanes and tropical storms are named
If they complain go straight to Protocol three

THE DEATH OF DREAMS

He leaves her house
Saying goodnight at the door
And heads homeward
Like so many times before

She has another drink?
Or snorts another line?
No need for a cab
She thinks she’ll be fine

On his lips is the taste
Of his loves last kiss
As he peddles ever onward
Towards the abyss

She drives like a demon
Without any care
Racing over the bridge
Not seeing him there

There is only one winner
When the two come together
Only one outcome
A young man lost forever

In the laws eyes he died a boy
Three days short of being a man
But a very mature boy
A young man with a plan

His life had a purpose
Plans and dreams to be achieved
But his dreams died with him
And they too should be grieved

Too young, too young
To leave dreams unfulfilled
Too soon, too soon
For a young man to be killed

AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR

At the eleventh hour
Silence falls
Heads bow in reverence
Reflecting remembrance
Ordinary people
Stop to show respect
For those who fell

At the eleventh hour
A small group
Of Muslim youth
Chant descent
And wave banners high
“British soldier’s burn in hell”
And this small disrespectful group
Of Muslim youth
Burn poppies in the street
Desecrating that symbol
Of solemnity
And remembrance
Burning the poppies
In symbolic disrespect

Spitting on the dead,
Urinating on their graves
Or defecating on the cenotaph
Would be a less abhorrent act
By that small ignorant group
Of Muslim youth
The poppy does not discriminate
It doesn’t just represent
The white race
The Christian faith
European culture
It represents so much more
Every race
Every faith
From every continent

At the eleventh hour
That small group
Of Muslim youth
Who burnt the poppies
Disgraced themselves
And disgraced the memory
Of every Muslim soldier
Who fell on battlefields
Across the world