A HUMEROUS COLLECTION

SUBTLE DIFFERENCE

There is a subtle difference
Between “Put” and “Putt”
In meaning as well as spelling
I will attempt to elucidate
Their subtle difference
Clearly in the telling

“Put” means to place something
Where you ultimately want it
“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt
To do the same with the ball you hit

NO FRILLS

Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way

GOOD JOB SON

My son got a job today
At a bowling establishment
“Ten pin” I asked him
“Oh no” he said “it’s permanent”

A TIMELY REFLECTION

I am feeling my age
Now I’m of the silver haired class
But on the bright side
I’m still on the right side of the grass

A MEASURED REFLECTION

When I was young
I was broad minded
And narrow hipped
Now I’m middle aged
My proportions
Appear to have flipped

TAKAWAY BLUES

Last weekend my dad tried
A new Indian takeaway
He said it was very good
But he suffered the next day

He was violently sick
And was rushed into hospital
But he’s on the mend
And has no ill effects at all

The bhajis contained tulip bulbs
Obviously not the right thing
The hospital has said
He won't be out until the spring.

A DEEP DESIRE

After many long years
Of happy marriage
I still look at my wife with hunger
I hunger to see her
In something long and flowing
Like the River Humber

AGE OLD LIES # 1

Of all the age old lies
Which one do we hear most?
Well when owed money its
“The cheque is in the post”

When you hear that said
You know there is no hope
Because the simple truth is
It never made it to the envelope

SOME MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 83

Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen
Well actually well all said and done
She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 84

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
Well she will if we don’t get rid of this useless bloody government

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 85

Star light star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Get my hands in Glenda’s tights

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 86

There was a little guinea-pig,
Who, being little, was not big;
But from its head down to its feet
It was extremely good to eat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 87

The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown
The lion beat the unicorn
All around the town
The vicious ambitious lion
Beat the poor unicorn so cute
But with one final effort
The unicorn killed the great hairy brute

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 88

Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,
It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 89

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
Sadly this case is not an exception
If only her daughters had used contraception

FEVERISH

FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swain flu

FEVERISH ONCE MORE

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
In contact with evergreen vegetation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed Pine flu

FEVERISH MORE AND MORE

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by infatuation
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed swoon flu

TROUBLE AT MILL

It’s an absolute calamity
I’ve never heard the like of it
I just heard on the news
Up north they are running out of grit

What will become of us?
When the north is finally bereft
It was the northern grit
That made this nation the best

SNOOZE VILLE

I want to inhabit forever
That special place that dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville

Between wake and slumber
A place that fulfils wishes
Where lover’s hands are held
And lips deliver stolen kisses

A place where dreams come true
Where loved ones live forever
A place where all is forgiven
And success comes with any endeavour

Where you can embrace forbidden lovers
Sweet moments of utter bliss
Or be together again with first loves
With kisses and caresses to reminisce

I want to inhabit forever
That special place that Dreams fill
That safe and cosy place
Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville

DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?

What would you call a man?
With a big belly and no dress sense
Who never replies to your letters
A man that’s too lazy to shave
And is obsessed with stockings,
Who can only be relied upon for one day a year
Will never stop to ask for directions
A man who only owns one suit
Never gets you the present you asked for
And needs to be rewarded with food and drink
Oh and always leaves the dirty dishes
Well what do you think? Could be any man alive eh?
So what would you call this man?
I would call him Santa

TIGER, TIGER – CHOICES

Tiger Woods was undecided,
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree