THE CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE

It was Christmas Eve
We were preparing for Christmas day
Stuffing the bird and peeling veg
Singing of Santa on his sleigh
When the phone call came
I thought great Dads on his way
Or maybe it will be Gran
With another Christmas cliché

A happy Christmas call
Full of happiness and cheer
In truth it was the very opposite
It was the call we all fear
The death of a loved one
The voice says so very clear
“I’ve lost my best friend”
And I had no words only tears

Out of the blue so unexpected
Certainly not on Christmas Eve
Christmas should be a celebration
Certainly not a time to grieve
But Christmas Eve or not
It seems it was his time to leave
So farewell dear brother
Life without you I cannot conceive

DEAR BROTHER

Dear brother you were always first
I wish our roles could have been reversed
You were the first born son
Always Dads number one
You were first to go to school
While I looked at my brother so cool
The certificates you received
Became targets I had to achieve
I always beat you I was always King
But I was never first to do anything
You were the first to kiss a girl
A rather ungainly blonde called Shirl
You were the first to get a job
The first to earn an honest bob
You were the first to wed
The first to wet a babies head
And to feel a granddads pride
I watched you brush a tear aside
And now for the last time
You were first to hear the bell chime
Once more you’ve won the race
And were first to feel Gods embrace

JUST LIKE JACOB MARLEY

Peter was taken on Christmas Eve
Just like Jacob Marley
But the similarity ends there
He was never grasping or stingy
He had not been well for a time
And happy to pass without fuss
But he would have been hopping mad
That he was missing Christmas
He would not have planned it that way
And picked a better time to leave
I think he would have been happier
If he had died on New Years Eve

For my Brother Peter who died on Christmas Eve 2008

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

# 1

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture
Humpty Dumpty made a big score

# 2

It's raining, it's pouring;
Politicians are snoring.
They had their chance
To save the world
Now we’re screwed by global warming

# 3

Simple Simon met a pie man
Going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon
"what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man
so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”

# 4

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.
When the boys came out to play
He had more fun because he was gay

# 5

Mary Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?

# 6

Little Bo peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She didn’t know about the foot and mouth
Or that the farmer had to burn them

# 7

I had a little hen,
The prettiest ever seen,
Which happily made
For such versatile cuisine

# 8

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Of a fashionable eatery
When his food arrived in its design contrived
He said “What’s this supposed to be?”

# 9

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
The silly man would have looked better
If he waited till the warmer weather

# 10

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
She slipped through his fingers like sand
So he ordered another one from Thailand

# 11

This little piggy has an ASBO
This little piggy’s in prison,
This little piggy was a car thief
This little piggy’s on the run
And this little piggy went...
"!£&&*!!!$" the anti social little bastard

PREPARING THE BIRD

The best way to prepare
Your turkey this Christmas
Is to keep it simple
To minimize the fuss
To my way of thinking
The best method to apply
Is just be straight
And say “Turkey, you’re going to die”

OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR

If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer belly
NO complexion like cracked leather
NO bald head or nose like a strawberry
If when you look in the mirror
And it doesn’t look like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins on your lily white legs
Then you need to wear glasses

ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS?

It was in a seedy club
Where I spied her in the gloom
And I knew I wanted her
As our eyes met across the room

Are you wearing stockings?
Is the answer no or yes
Your buttocks say oh
And your hips say guess

I liked what I saw before me
It was lust at first sight
We didn’t speak as she took my hand
And led me out into the night

We painted the town red
Then after a night of carousel
She took me to her apartment
To quell her burning arousal

It was a mutual wanting
A primeval burning passion
A need for physicality
A time to enjoy each sensation

There was a moment’s hesitation
As we stood face to face
Then primitive and animal
We touched in coarse embrace

I fingered her through the silk
Until she moaned her sighs
Then I pulled her pants down
Her long stocking-ed thighs

My hand returned to her lips
And I probed her creamy-ness
Rhythmically stroking her
Until I brought her to the abyss

Kneeling before her writhing form
My mouth set off on a quest
To kiss my way along her leg
To taste the her tangy-ness

I reach her stocking top
And the softness of her thighs
My cheek against her skin
As I sought out the dewy prize

I tasted her until she shuddered
And let out a stifled shout
Then she unzipped me quickly
And tugged me roughly out

She kissed me with urgency
And could taste herself on my lips
While her hand tugged on me
I pulled her skirt above her hips

But then she was on her knees
And her mouth was all about me
As she sucked on my shaft
Sucking me to the point of ecstasy

I was beginning to lose control
Would she drink her fill of me?
Would she wear my necklace?
Or would her loins envelope me

The answer quickly came
As she pulled me to the floor
Where she rode me like a dervish
Until I could give her no more

And then we lay entwined
On the floor of her apartment
Enjoying the afterglow
With our passions well spent

CAT BOY

My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement bricks
And stays out all night
Returning at first light
To where he resides
And when he slinks inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a tatty bird

I WOULD IF I COULD

I would if I could
But I can’t so I shan’t
How good if I should
But I can’t which I grant
If I could I know I would
But I can’t so I shan’t
Oh how good if I should
But I chant I can’t, I can’t