MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST

 

My wife told me over breakfast

That sex was better on holiday

It took me completely by surprise

As the postcard only arrived that day

I LOST MY WATCH AT A PARTY ONCE

 

I lost my watch at a party once

And someone stepped on it

While being aggressive to his wife

And calling her a bitch

I hit him as no one behaves like that

To a woman, not on my watch

TO THE MAN IN THE WHEELCHAIR

 

To the man in the wheelchair

Yes I know that you’re the one

Who stole my camo jacket, well

You can hide but you can’t run

MY WIFE MISTAKENLY THOUGHT I SAID

My wife mistakenly thought I said

“I’m giving up drinking for a month”

What I meant was “I’m giving up,

And I’m drinking for a month” 

I HAVE A TRICK WHEN I’M STRUGGLING

 

I have a trick when I’m struggling

To get my lovely wife’s attention

I just sit down and look comfortable

And that always gets her attention

YESTERDAY I WAS WASHING THE CAR

 

Yesterday I was washing

The car with my son

And he asked why

I couldn’t just use a sponge

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

 

I was asked at my interview

To explain a 4-year gap

In my resume without a job

So, I replied “I went to Yale”

“Excellent you’re hired”

I said “Great I need this yob”