THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2

 

If Scottish dancers

Come from Scotland

And Irish dancers

Come from Ireland

Are Pole dancers

From Poland?

THERE ARE THREE WORDS

 

There are three words

No one ever wants to hear

When they are making love

They are “I’m home dear!"

STEAMER

 

Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer

Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no

I said steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer

Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no

I said “my God, what a size, a girth, a length it is

You know – well you know you left it hummin in view

Now there's not a lot I can do

Sung to the tune of Dreamer by Supertramp

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

 

Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses

Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses

Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings

These are a few of my least favourite things

THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE

 

I asked my thirteen-year-old

If he understood the facts of life

But his complete over reaction

Shocked me and my wife

 

The boy burst into tears and yelled

“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”

He put his hands over his ears

Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”

 

When my son had calmed down

I asked him what was so scary

He said “when I was seven, you said

That there was no Tooth fairy”

 

“Then when I was nine, you said

That there was no Easter bunny”

Last year you said that Santa Claus

Was really you and mummy

 

Now on the eve of my manhood

If you’re going to tell me

That adults don’t have sex

You may just as well shoot me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97

 

One two buckle my shoe

Three, four, Velcro you wore

Five, six, slip-ons you pick

Seven, eight, lace them up straight

Nine, ten, slip-ons again

Eleven, twelve, dig and delve

Thirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping

ARE YOU WEARING SILK, SATIN OR LACE?

Are you wearing silk?

Or perhaps satin and lace

Or maybe you’re wearing nothing

If so you are a disgrace

You’re not wearing any, are you?

I can tell by that blush on your face

I doubt anyone else would suspect

With not a hair out of place

No one would suspect

With that innocent look on your face

But I know you are a commando girl

And I want to share in your disgrace