MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

 

Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses

Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses

Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings

These are a few of my least favourite things

THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE

 

I asked my thirteen-year-old

If he understood the facts of life

But his complete over reaction

Shocked me and my wife

 

The boy burst into tears and yelled

“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”

He put his hands over his ears

Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”

 

When my son had calmed down

I asked him what was so scary

He said “when I was seven, you said

That there was no Tooth fairy”

 

“Then when I was nine, you said

That there was no Easter bunny”

Last year you said that Santa Claus

Was really you and mummy

 

Now on the eve of my manhood

If you’re going to tell me

That adults don’t have sex

You may just as well shoot me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97

 

One two buckle my shoe

Three, four, Velcro you wore

Five, six, slip-ons you pick

Seven, eight, lace them up straight

Nine, ten, slip-ons again

Eleven, twelve, dig and delve

Thirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping

ARE YOU WEARING SILK, SATIN OR LACE?

Are you wearing silk?

Or perhaps satin and lace

Or maybe you’re wearing nothing

If so you are a disgrace

You’re not wearing any, are you?

I can tell by that blush on your face

I doubt anyone else would suspect

With not a hair out of place

No one would suspect

With that innocent look on your face

But I know you are a commando girl

And I want to share in your disgrace 

PUT DOWN # 48

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”

Ignore him, only reply if he persists

“Maybe you'd be less boring if I got to know you,

But I am not willing to take that risk”

ARTISTIC PRACTICE

 

The potter breathing life

Into cold dead clay

An artist and his canvas

Killing the White

The sculpture seeing visions

In the lifeless stone

Wordsmiths weaving

Elaborate fabric with their words

Wood carvers releasing

The image hid within the wood

The unity between hand and mind

Artists and artisans all

BE ENGLISH

 

Celebrate the victory

With your piers

Drown the woes of foes

In English beer

Sing loud the songs of triumph

Whisper low of near disasters

Be magnanimous in victory

Be humble in defeat

Be proud, be loud

Be English