IN THE EVENT OF ???

 

When three out of four engines

Catastrophically fail during flight

You will still have enough power

To get you safely to the crash site

A QUESTION OF BALDING

 

My head is completely devoid

Of hair of any shade or hue

So, when asked for hair colour

On official forms, what do I do?

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 1

 

The simplest pleasures in life

Requiring no payment or fee

But give the most satisfaction

In spite of their simplicity

Like the unparalleled relief

You get from taking a pee

A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE

 

I got the tell-tale sign

As I was stood in crowd

And I knew its containment

Would not be aloud

So, what should I do?

Release a silent gaseous cloud

And slowly move away

Or just let rip long and loud

A fart of which

Le Pétomane would be proud

TRAPPED WIND

 

You feel the gripey twinge

Your tummy starts to grown

It always happens in the lift

When you’re not alone

 

You know it won’t be held

You just hope there is time

To get off the lift

Before you commit the crime

 

And just when you think

You can’t hold it anymore

The lift comes to a stop

Though it’s not your floor

 

But you decide to get off

As you can’t hold it anymore

And release a quiet fart

As you step through the door

 

You sigh with relief

You made it just in time

And then the doors close

On the scene of the crime

 

And even though

You’re on the wrong floor

You know your smelly fart

Is the other side of the door

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75

 

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,

Half a pound of treacle.

This internet bomb making site

Really is a load of shite

PUT DOWN # 43

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he offers you champagne

And celebrates like a winner

Just say to him

"Are you drinking your dinner?"