HAPPY BIRTHDAY # 15

Congratulations and felicitations

But don’t drink too much at the celebration

Too much will make it appear to you

That people are laughing WITH you 

PUT DOWN # 18

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

When he says to you

“Can I have your name Hon?"

Just say clearly to him

“Why? Don't you already have one?"

CAR SCRAP-AGE

 

I’m very disappointed with the government

And their much-heralded car scrap-age scheme

I took my “old banger” along with me to the garage

But my wife wasn’t what they had in mind it seems

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

 

It’s that time of the year once more

When the motion picture industry

Pat them selves on their collective backs

And mark another year in their history

 

But when the time comes

How do we choose what to see?

Film reviews are little help

And critics add no clarity

 

Industry spokesmen and women

Film critics and film reviewers

Those who form the Oscar collective

Are of little use to film viewers

 

“Best picture Oscar” must be good

Well I fell in that trap

I watched “Gangs of New York”

And it turned out to be crap

 

Also I have found I am out of step

With the film critics view

So you have to decipher the code

That’s all you have to do

 

Just follow this simple guide

“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap

“Stunning cinematography” = No story

“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap

 

“Thought provoking” = No car chases

“Dark” = Badly lit

“Moving” = Alright for girls

“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit

 

“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough

“Poignant = Has no plot

“Oscar winning” = Over hyped

“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot

 

These simple tips may help

Save you wasting precious time

Watching an ill described film

Best designated as a crime

MOUSE TALE

 

We have an unwanted mouse in our house

But am I permitted to kill it? No is the answer

My son suggested I leave the back door open

So it could let it self out when it was ready

My wife wants me to buy a humane trap

So I can catch it, release it, and catch it again next week

How confused we are of what animals are

We have this romantic notion of the animal kingdom

That they are just like humans but in animal form

We have endowed the beasts with human qualities

Beatrix Potter’s tales are a classic example of this

Stories spoon fed to young eager minds for decades

Mice do not live in houses, watch TV or play scrabble

It’s just a mouse, its vermin, and it’s eating my food

They have been humanised in a century of cartoons

In that undignified way we have Disney-fied them

Well we need to un-Disneyfy the creatures double quick

So I have baited my trap and I will wait for the snap

Because Mice don’t live in houses especially not in mine

FILM CHOICE

 

How to choose, how to select

A film to fill that two hour slot

The bumph will big it up

Over egg the pudding like as not

So, I look for key word like

“Thought provoking” or “moody”

“Poignant, “Critically acclaimed”

Or “Stunning cinematography”

And when I’ve identified them

I know they are the ones to miss

And I get the one with the cover picture

Of a girl in a state of undress

BOILER REPLACEMENT SCHEME

 

I’m very disappointed with the government

And their gas boiler replacement scheme

I called the Gas Company about my “old boiler”

But my wife wasn’t what they had in mind it seems