GETTING ON # 14

 

I stop to catch my breath

On the stairs and then I frown

As I can’t remember whether

I was going up or down

TOMMY’S LUNCH

 

I had a ploughman's lunch

The other day.

He wasn't very happy

Is all I can say.

POOR SAM

 

Sam went to the Doctors

With every ache and pain

And with every sniff and sniffle

He would go again and again

If he had a simple heat rash

He thought he had meningitis

If he had a bad case of wind

He thought he had appendicitis

The doctor tried him on placebos

Giving Sam pots of sugar pills

But despite the docs best efforts

Sam returned with non-existent ills

The doctor tried to be patient

But one day when Sam came back

The doctor gave him the bad news

“I must tell you you’re a hypochondriac”

Sam became all hot and bothered

And created a right old fuss

Then when he calmed down he asked

“What’s a hypochondriac? Is it serious?”

A HAND IN MARRIAGE

 

A humble pack of playing cards

Conceals a secret meaning

Where the suits at least warn 

Of a chilling outcome of marrying

First a Heart for him to love you

Next a Diamond to marry them

Thirdly a Club to bludgeon him

And finally a Spade to bury them

HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST

 

I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond”

A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond

"Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely

I replied "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she said curtly

IT’S A FAIR COP

 

A traffic cop pulled over a young speeding motorist

And the impulse to be smug Proved too hard to resist

The young man wound down his window without delay 

Then the cop said "I've been waiting for you all day,"

The chance for a funny response was just too good

The boy replied "Well I got here as fast as I could."

The cop fell about laughing “Son you’ve made my day”

In fact he laughed so much he sent the boy on his way

ANYTHING BY GEORGE

 

George arrived home from work one night

To find the house bathed in candlelight

His wife Julie Draped on the sofa sexily

Wearing very little and smiling seductively

She swung her long stockined legs to the floor

And walked slowly to George by the door

In her silk camisole she looked very sexy

Her dark nipples were aroused, he could see

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything."

So George tied her up and then he went bowling