POOR SAM

 

Sam went to the Doctors

With every ache and pain

And with every sniff and sniffle

He would go again and again

If he had a simple heat rash

He thought he had meningitis

If he had a bad case of wind

He thought he had appendicitis

The doctor tried him on placebos

Giving Sam pots of sugar pills

But despite the docs best efforts

Sam returned with non-existent ills

The doctor tried to be patient

But one day when Sam came back

The doctor gave him the bad news

“I must tell you you’re a hypochondriac”

Sam became all hot and bothered

And created a right old fuss

Then when he calmed down he asked

“What’s a hypochondriac? Is it serious?”

A HAND IN MARRIAGE

 

A humble pack of playing cards

Conceals a secret meaning

Where the suits at least warn 

Of a chilling outcome of marrying

First a Heart for him to love you

Next a Diamond to marry them

Thirdly a Club to bludgeon him

And finally a Spade to bury them

HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST

 

I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond”

A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond

"Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely

I replied "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she said curtly

IT’S A FAIR COP

 

A traffic cop pulled over a young speeding motorist

And the impulse to be smug Proved too hard to resist

The young man wound down his window without delay 

Then the cop said "I've been waiting for you all day,"

The chance for a funny response was just too good

The boy replied "Well I got here as fast as I could."

The cop fell about laughing “Son you’ve made my day”

In fact he laughed so much he sent the boy on his way

ANYTHING BY GEORGE

 

George arrived home from work one night

To find the house bathed in candlelight

His wife Julie Draped on the sofa sexily

Wearing very little and smiling seductively

She swung her long stockined legs to the floor

And walked slowly to George by the door

In her silk camisole she looked very sexy

Her dark nipples were aroused, he could see

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything."

So George tied her up and then he went bowling

SHAMEFUL HOWARD

 

Poor Natalie was diagnosed

With ovarian cancer

Threatening her life and

Her chance to be a mother

 

Natalie and Mr Johnston

Once hand in glove

Made an agreement

When they were in love

 

Six of her embryos

Were fertilized and frozen

And then stored prior

To her cancer treatment

 

Natalie and Mr Johnston

Fell out of love

Revealing an iron fist

Within his velvet glove

 

After they split, Mr Johnston

Must have been annoyed

As he demanded of the clinic

The embryos be destroyed

 

Natalie’s only chance

Of natural motherhood

Was dependent upon

Howard saying, she could

 

With Mr Johnston’s consent

Refused out of hand

She sought justice

In every court in the land

 

Then to the European court

But even there she failed

Mr Johnston felt

Common sense had prevailed

 

Poor Natalie’s only chance

Of natural motherhood

Still dependent upon

Howard saying, she could

 

Will he change his mind?

You never know he might

Or will he continue to decline?

Is he motivated by spite?

REPELLING BOARDERS

 

She stood at the departure gate

Smiling and checking boarding passes

Dealing with the happy and the mad

The good the bad and the silly arses

When a tottering man approached

She extended her hand for his ticket

When he opened up his rain coat

And blatantly flashed her his wicket

He smiled inanely and swayed about

Having spent too much time in the pub

Without batting an eyelid she said,

"I need to see the ticket not your stub."