A HAND IN MARRIAGE

 

A humble pack of playing cards

Conceals a secret meaning

Where the suits at least warn 

Of a chilling outcome of marrying

First a Heart for him to love you

Next a Diamond to marry them

Thirdly a Club to bludgeon him

And finally a Spade to bury them

HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST

 

I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond”

A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond

"Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely

I replied "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she said curtly

IT’S A FAIR COP

 

A traffic cop pulled over a young speeding motorist

And the impulse to be smug Proved too hard to resist

The young man wound down his window without delay 

Then the cop said "I've been waiting for you all day,"

The chance for a funny response was just too good

The boy replied "Well I got here as fast as I could."

The cop fell about laughing “Son you’ve made my day”

In fact he laughed so much he sent the boy on his way

ANYTHING BY GEORGE

 

George arrived home from work one night

To find the house bathed in candlelight

His wife Julie Draped on the sofa sexily

Wearing very little and smiling seductively

She swung her long stockined legs to the floor

And walked slowly to George by the door

In her silk camisole she looked very sexy

Her dark nipples were aroused, he could see

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything."

So George tied her up and then he went bowling

SHAMEFUL HOWARD

 

Poor Natalie was diagnosed

With ovarian cancer

Threatening her life and

Her chance to be a mother

 

Natalie and Mr Johnston

Once hand in glove

Made an agreement

When they were in love

 

Six of her embryos

Were fertilized and frozen

And then stored prior

To her cancer treatment

 

Natalie and Mr Johnston

Fell out of love

Revealing an iron fist

Within his velvet glove

 

After they split, Mr Johnston

Must have been annoyed

As he demanded of the clinic

The embryos be destroyed

 

Natalie’s only chance

Of natural motherhood

Was dependent upon

Howard saying, she could

 

With Mr Johnston’s consent

Refused out of hand

She sought justice

In every court in the land

 

Then to the European court

But even there she failed

Mr Johnston felt

Common sense had prevailed

 

Poor Natalie’s only chance

Of natural motherhood

Still dependent upon

Howard saying, she could

 

Will he change his mind?

You never know he might

Or will he continue to decline?

Is he motivated by spite?

REPELLING BOARDERS

 

She stood at the departure gate

Smiling and checking boarding passes

Dealing with the happy and the mad

The good the bad and the silly arses

When a tottering man approached

She extended her hand for his ticket

When he opened up his rain coat

And blatantly flashed her his wicket

He smiled inanely and swayed about

Having spent too much time in the pub

Without batting an eyelid she said,

"I need to see the ticket not your stub."

Uncanny Tales – (23) A Fair Cop

 

They were stood in the old wooden bus shelter by the village green just after midnight in the depths of a passionate kiss.

Lynda Godfrey and Steve Smith had only met that evening at Cassie’s 18^th birthday party.

Lyn and Cass had always lived in the village and had been friends since forever.

Steve on the other hand was the new boy in town and he and Lyn hit it off from the start.

“I have a confession to make,” Lynda said a few minutes after Steve had un-cupped her breasts.

“What’s that?” he asked her without relinquishing his hold on her Charlie’s

“My dad's the village policeman” she said
“Really?” he asked

“Really” she confirmed

“Well it’s a fair cop” he said and gave her breast a squeeze and then laughed uncontrollably because he was copping a feel of the village Copper’s daughter.

“So you think they’re fair do you?” she said

“Yes” he replied and then corrected himself “No, I don’t know”

Inexplicably, to Steve’s way of thinking, she put her breasts away and slapped at his hand as he tried to free them again.

“They are better than fair” she said sharply “by a long way”

“You’re absolutely right” he said groveling “They’re fabulous” 

“Humph” she exclaimed and zipped up her coat

“Oh come on Lyn” Steve said “Don’t hide your lovely boobs away”

And he tried again to regain access to her goodies but Lynda sidestepped his lunge and snapped a pink fluffy handcuff on his wrist.

“Stephen Kenneth Smith I am arresting you for inappropriate laughter during a sexual act”

Steve’s reaction was to try and escape but Lynda’s dad had trained her in self-defense and restraint techniques and she applied the latter on his wrist and almost made him cry out in pain.

“Ok, ok” he begged “I surrender”

“Good boy” she said patronizingly

“Where are you taking me?” Steve asked

“To the police house of course” she replied

“Can’t we stay here instead?” he asked

“No we can’t” she replied

“Why?” he simpered

“Because my Dad’s on duty tonight and I don’t want him to catch me doing what I want to do to you in a bus shelter” Lynda replied

“When I could be doing it at the police house in private”

This statement was accompanied by the arrival of her spare hand on his crotch.

“So are you going to come quietly sir?” she asked and kissed his cheek

“It depends on what you plan to do” he said hesitantly

“Well to begin with I’m going to handcuff you to the bed and blow your whistle”

“I can’t promise to be quiet” he confessed “but I won’t offer any resistance”