IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP

 

My ex-wife and I were in an open relationship

At least I believed it was an open relationship

Until that fateful day of the solicitors meeting

When she stunned me and called it cheating

MY FRIEND GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER

 

My friend got a personal trainer

And trained with him for a while

Starting a year before his wedding

So I questioned the length of the aisle

I USED TO LIVE ON A FARM AND EVERY TIME

 

I used to live on a farm and every time

I passed the cows in the field I’d rant

And shout the most foul abuse at them

It’s turned out that I’m dairy intolerant

PICKUP # 19

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past”

You can say to her

“But I can make up for that

By being in your future”

DIFFERENCES # 4

 

There is a difference,

Which you will find,

Is quite definite

Between a plastic model,

And an MP.

As one is a glue less kit

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 3

 

My friend says to me:

"What rhymes with orange?" I said:

"Oh no it doesn't!"

MY MOTHER MADE US EAT

 

My mother made us eat

Supplements every day

One time I nearly choked

On the Mail on Sunday