I WANTED TO DONATE SPERM

 

I wanted to donate sperm

But there was a difficulty

I couldn’t perform

As the surroundings were iffy

Then I found you could do it by post

And I came in a jiffy

RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN

 

Racing through on the green

Breaking hard on the red

Foot dallying on the amber

Before belting across instead

I WENT TO VEG PLOT TO CHECK

 

I went to my veg plot to check

On my tender little darlings

And heartbreakingly I found

Decimation of my seedlings

 

The perpetrators are self-evident

By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze

And I could tell they had help

Due to the clearly visible Snail trail

RED NOSE

 

He had a large red nose

Just like a strawberry

His pock marked snozz

Was not a thing of beauty

But it was not a drinker’s nose

In fact on the contrary

It was actually the result

Of learning to eat with cutlery

ARE YOU WEARING SHADES?

 

Are you wearing shades?

Yes, they do look cool

Though not really suitable

And I would say as a rule

Wearing them in a cinema

Make’s you look a fool

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3

 

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable

The people suffered poverty and starvation

All the inhabitants had to live in their cars

It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation

PICKUP # 8

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

But if your tastes are unusual

Don’t be shy about it

Don’t beat about the bush

Just come right out with it 

Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass

And hold it like a bong hit”