I SURRENDER

 

In the battle of the sexes

No one will achieve supremacy

There is just too much

Fraternizing with the enemy

SENIOR REPORT

 

All reports are in

I have to declare

It’s now confirmed

Life is officially unfair

RIGHT SAID FRED

 

He’s not to my taste

But he did have a kind of grace

When Fred Astaire was auditioned

His abilities were questioned

They said he can’t act

Nor can he sing

But he can dance a bit

So let him do his thing

THANK GOD FOR WINSTON

 

When on TV, Winston Churchill

Was voted the greatest Britain

It restored my faith, a little

In my fellow countrymen

Although equally

It would not in truth

Have surprised me in the least

If they had considered

A musician and lyricist

To have contributed more to the nation

And they voted for John Lennon

WAY BACK WHEN (2)

 

I know times have changed

But I’m not sure when

We started to call

Tidal waves -Tsunami’s

When was it that Peking

Started to be known as Beijing

When did Bombay

Start to be called Mumbai

And most important of all

When did it stop being fashionable

To slap hysterical females

DO’S AND DON’TS

 

When you find a woman

Collapsed upon the floor

DO loosen her clothing

But only about her neck or waist

DON’T remover her under garments

DO check her pulse

At the wrist or neck

DON’T go straight for her groin

DO check for a heartbeat

This can be done by listening

If no pulse or heartbeat is present

DO perform CPR

This does NOT involve squeezing her breasts

If necessary, DO give mouth to mouth

DO ensure airway is clear

DON’T use your tongue

If CPR has been successful

DO Place her in the recovery position

DON’T put her head in your lap

Especially NOT face down

TALES OF A YOUNG ANGLER – SOUTHGATE BOATING LAKE 1966

 

My father was a keen angler and my older brother followed suit and in time so did I.

There was a difference between my brother and me however namely that he was a good fisherman like my dad, and I was useless.

Amongst other things I couldn’t bait my hook properly, I was loud and noisy and terribly clumsy.

If I managed to avoid falling in the river, lake or stream. I would drop something in the water instead.

The inherent problem with fishing for me was (A) the fishing rod was twice as long as me and (B) the line had a hook on the end.

I would get snagged in weeds or bushes or trees, passers-by, my dad, my brother, a boat, in fact you name it I would get hooked on it.

But if all of that wasn’t enough to qualify me as a useless angler then the fact that I had never caught a fish would have sealed it.

For three years I fished with my dad or my brother or with mates and nothing.

And the longer it went on the smaller my angling peer group became.

I was so desperate to catch a fish, but the harder I tried the worse I got.

I even dreamed of catching fish and in those dreams, I caught them by the dozen on unbaited hooks and I reeled them in effortlessly,

But when I woke again next morning, I was the same crap angler I was the night before who nobody wanted to fish with.

So, it was for this reason that I found myself fishing alone at the age of nine on Southgate Boating Lake.

I had been there all day and hadn’t even got a bite so just before I decided to call it a day I cast my line in again, this time from the boat jetty.

My float went plop about forty feet from the jetty, and I nodded to myself with satisfaction.

Within a minute or two I became aware of something digging into my foot.

I waggled my wellied foot in an effort to dislodge the source of the discomfort.

But when I put my foot down, I realised I had just succeeded in moving the offending article more securely under my foot.

There was only one solution to the problem and that was to remove my boot and shake out the debris.

I lay my rod on the jetty and sat down next to it and removed my welly.

As I shook it a small pebble bounced off the jetty and splashed in the water which is when I realised my float was bobbing franticly in the still water.

I had a bite, and it was a bloody good one.

I didn’t have time to replace my welly so I quickly stood up and snatched up my rod and line and struck.

I felt instinctively I had it hooked and began reeling it in my maiden catch.

And there I stood on the Southgate Lake boat jetty reeling in my catch wearing only one welly.

Moments later I landed the thrashing writhing monster of the deep, a three-inch long Gudgeon the most beautiful fish I had ever seen.

And in timely fashion just as the fish appeared a small group of angling friends were passing to verify the breaking of my angling duck and I would no longer have to fish alone.

I was so grateful for that tiny fish and incidentally that was the only Gudgeon I ever caught.