ONE DAY MY PRINCE WILL COME

Remember all you maidens

From the isle of dogs

Before you find a prince

You must kiss a lot of frogs

SCIENTIFIC SEX

The difference between

Sex and love is this merely

Love is a question of chemistry

While sex is only physics clearly 

RIGHT ON

 

I am a white male

Anglo Saxon

Able-bodied heterosexual

And as a result, in modern Britain

I have no rights whatever

PC

 

In these days of political correctness

PC does little than cause more stress

Their cure for discrimination seems to be

To still discriminate but to do it positively

And in order to enable freedom of expression

It appears that censorship is the solution

ODE TO TINA

I love my wife

The silly old bag

She’s not a bad cook

And quite a good shag 

WITLESS

If it’s a battle of wits

You’re going to engage in

Make sure you’re properly armed

Before you begin

MEMOIR OF A NORTH LONDON SCHOOL BOY # 1

 

It was a blistering hot day in 1969 when the third year of Secondary school started, and Alexander Park Comprehensive School was heaving with familiar faces. 

It had only been called Alexandra Park as long as I had been going there, before that it was Cecil Rhodes Secondary but as Haringey was such a racially mixed borough political correctness reared its ugly head and the name was changed.

And the racial mix of the area was reflected in the student body, in fact assembly was like a session at the United Nations.

There was however one noticeable absentee in form that morning, Winifred Bliss, and it was noticeable because she was a foulmouthed gobby cow.

She was West Indian, though I don’t know which island, she didn’t really communicate with the white kids other than to tell you to fuck off.

Our form tutor Mrs Holiday told us that Winifred would not be returning to the school though she would not elaborate as to why.

Obviously by lunchtime rumours abounded as to her whereabouts but it wasn’t until we had drama with Mr Dickens that the truth surfaced.

He stood up in front of the class

“There is some very foolish talk around the school regarding Winifred Bliss” he announced

“So, I have decided to tell you the truth”

The class fell silent and waited with bated breath, for what seemed like an eternity.

“Winifred was arrested by the police during the summer holidays” He said

“What for sir?” Mario asked

“For sleeping with boys” he answered

Sleeping with boys, I thought, what’s wrong with that, though I didn’t say it out loud as everyone else in the class was nodding sagely like they understood,

But I didn’t, my brother and I often shared a bed with our cousins, and they were girls, but they didn’t get arrested.

I never voiced my confusion to anyone about Winifred Bliss or the fact I used to get a stiffy when I shared a bed with my cousins.

A few months later the penny finally dropped regarding the significance of the phrase “Sleeping with boys”.