BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 3

 

I have found many reasons

Not to be foreign without doubt

Such as papers and magazines

With none of the bits cut out

I’M SO BAUD

The baud rate is simply

Computer terminology per se

Which is a measure of how soon

You get bored pressing buttons all day

CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - STYMPHALIAN BIRDS

 

The Ornithes Stymphalides were birds of a fierce and man-eating breed

Who used as arrows their metallic feathers, which were sharp indeed

The sixth Labor of Heracles was to drive these birds out of Arcadia

But because of their deadly metal arrowed feathers could not get near

But to scare the birds of lake Stymphalus he used a rattle that was brazen

Once in the air he brought them down in a hail of his arrows by the dozen

THE BIRD WATCHER

 

Upon the wooded hill

The forest sentinel stood

Made from wind falls

Wooden scraps and ullage

Skilfully fashioned

To become, complete with binoculars

The birdwatcher

But all was not as it seemed

For the sentinel

Destined to forever study

What fell before his gaze

Every autumn

Turned his attention upon

His favorite birch tree

Who when the autumn wind blew

Began to shed her leafy canopy

All the year round he studied

In detail her fully covered form

But in the autumn, he could

Revel in her nakedness

The sentinel spoke to himself

“Oh, I’m getting a woody”

And with that his sap began to rise

“Oh no too soon, too soon”

Then all too suddenly it was over

So, upon the wooded hill

The frustrated forest sentinel stood

Staring through his binoculars

And telling himself

“There’s always next year”

SWISS MISS

I hate Swiss army knives with a passion

All the more as there all the fashion

Even though they appear to be useful

I really can’t help feeling resentful

Despite all the craftsmanship it brings

And it being useful for a variety of things

With screwdrivers, scissors, and a saw

And something to remove an apple core

A nail file and a comb as well I can see

And a funny looking hooky thingamy

It’s the bit for getting boy scouts out

When stuck in horses’ hooves no doubt

But this article of precision engineering

Only goes to prove the Swiss are boring

RAMBLING’S OF A LONELY DRINKER

 

Good evening young man

A beer and a whisky chaser

They’re not the best

By some distance

They say whatever

And think that they’re clever

Still horses for courses

Different strokes for different folks

I’ll have another

Responsibilities and commitments

Both horns on the same beast

Two sides of the same coin

Yes, I will have one more

Insignificant and ordinary

My illusions shatter

Size doesn’t matter

Well, they got that completely wrong

He drives a Porsche because he’s impotent

Same again bar steward

I’ll tell you about politics

The longer the excuse,

The less likely it's the truth

Street violence and anti-social behavior

Will I make old bones?

Will I buggery

Make it a large one

Your uncle plays the piano?

I can tickle the ivories

Piano forte,

Pianissimo (not loudly)

Another of those

My present wife

A little wiggle when she walked

A little giggle when she talked

Soul mates, friends

Souls intertwined

Twinned

Joined in holy padlock

Then she walked in the light

And slept with all my friends

Bring on the dancing girls

Again, my good man

Billy no stars

Johnny no mates

Don’t mock the afflicted

Raise the drinking age back up to twenty one

“Do you believe angels sing”?

“And every time you hear a bell ring

An angel gets their wings”

Bells and whistles

Belt and braces

Heracles herded the mares of Diomedes

Did you know that?

Just one more

As a rule, they offer no resistance

My hands move inexorably up her thigh

Just a small double

We’ve lost the second post

I went to Shakespeare’s school

But he was in the year above

Spats - you don’t see them anymore

Oh, another yes

You’re going on a five-mile run?

I can’t complete a cross country run

Remember, remember the fifth of November

Gunpowder treason and what the hell was that

That wasn’t a rocket it was scud

Fireworks, fireworks it’s like living in a war zone

What last orders?

Does driving through a tunnel make you excited?

A double and a double chaser

Bingo bango bongo

Very good looking...... Dumb as a board

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless

Mentioning no names

But look where my eyes rest

Yogurty smogurty

Another double in there

The exited states of America

The united states of aggression

Was that the bell?

What was my worth?

When my life meant so little

When my heart never felt compassion

Why should I care for them?

When I have my ration

Rhymes and reasons

What closing already

A confused sperm wouldn’t start from here

My faith was so false

Bloody muppetry

Its merry Christmas not happy holidays

That’s political correctness

A little bloke with a chip on his shoulder

Is actually vertically challenged

And no genders are aloud

Sure, I’ll share a bottle with you friend

The Dead Sea scrolls

If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him

What a treasure lets go bury it".

Ugly sharks you can’t even eat them

He has a face like a basset hound

Still, he’s more to be pitied than scolded

Had sex in a cemetery once
no? Then you haven’t lived

Thanks, I will have some more

A certified bitch
drove first husband to shoot himself
suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism

I’m not ready to die

I want to leave something to show I was here

Something from a science fiction show,
I’ve suffered enough

You got arrested for stalking?

But not convicted

Damn every time I see a street sign,

I have an urge to relieve myself on it

Let’s sit awhile

The long blinks are setting in

I shall rest my eyes

WHATS IN A NAME (33)

Does anyone know is Brian Wilde?

Would anyone know was Karl Mild?

Does anyone know if Stephanie Tise?

Does anyone know is Dennis Wise?