OH MY GOD

 

After a good night out

And I’ve had a drink or two

I've never been to bed

And I've bedded a few

With an ugly woman

Not even one or two

But I can tell you this

I've woken up with a few

PRETTY *!£$*!**!%$** POLLY

 

My uncle had a parrot when I was young

It was a blue and yellow colored bird

He got it first when he was a naval man

And it had the foulest mouth you ever heard

 

It would swear in front of my old aunts

All the neighbors and even the reverend

Next time the punishment would be severe

After every outburst the parrot was warned

 

The bird thought they were empty threats

So, the parrot did swear a further time

And the punishment was extremely severe

He was thrown into the freezer for his crime

 

He was shivering and cold and very sorry

When he was let out after an hour or two

He apologized unreservedly but asked

Tell me what on earth did that chicken do?

WHAT A RELIEF

While I was standing at the bus stop one day

An old blind man and his dog passed my way

As they were about to cross via the pelican

The dog cocked his leg urinating on the man

The man reached into his pocket for a treat

And leant down to feed the dog at his feet

Amazed by this great act of human kindness

I remarked to him about his thoughtfulness

I need to find out where his mouth is friend

The blind man said so I can kick his arse end

IT’S CAPITALISM THEN

 

Communism doesn’t really function

And it’s not too difficult to fathom

The reason for it is simple enough

People just like to own stuff

THANK YOU DOCTOR

 

The simple art of medicine

Consists simply of this to begin

Just keep the patients amused

Blinded with science and confused

This will keep them at their ease

While Nature cures the disease

BANGER’S

 

If you should ever want to shoot someone

I have an idea on how best it may be done

For it to be unnoticed you must do it right

Wait until the fun begins on bonfire night

If you can’t bring yourself to shoot maybe

You can always blow them up with TNT

SOMETIMES MAYBE NEVER

 

Sometimes I need company

Sometimes I need to feel free

Sometimes I need romance

Sometimes I need just to dance

Sometimes I need a lover

Sometimes just a friend forever

But today I really should confide

I need only what you can provide

So, taking you into my confidence

What I really need is your absence