DEAD STUPID

 

Mick and Pat, one day have to toil

Near to a cemetery tilling the soil

They decide to look, during a break

At head stones for curiosity’s sake

And at the inhabitant’s longevity

Both men are amazed quite frankly

“Ninety-seven when this woman died”

“I can beat that” Pat excitedly cried

“Look, one hundred and forty-five”

“That’s a lot of years Pat, to be alive

That’s amazing what was his name?”

“Well, it says here Miles from Thame”

LIFE AFTER DEATH

 

When I die my destiny is already fated

As my wife plans to have me cremated

Then she will use my ashes in a trice

Confined within an egg timing device

Her reasoning is simple to be truthful

That I will at least in death be useful

As in life revenge for my eternal toil

Is to finish before she’s come to the boil

PLAIN JANE

 

My best friend has just met this girl

Her hair is straight but her lips curl

An unattractive girl I would maintain

To be kind you’d describe her as plain

I can’t think of one redeeming feature

In short, she’s just a hideous creature

She’s fallen from the ugly tree I’d say

And then hit every branch on the way

UPRIGHT CHRISTIANS

 

The puritans have acted radically

By banning fornicating vertically

Only missionary style resembling

No table ending or knee trembling

What made them take the measure?

To restrict to horizontal pleasure

The theory that they are advancing

Is that the act may lead to dancing

I NAME THIS CHILD

 

A new addition to the family

Well, no not one but twins

What will they name them?

God only knows for his sins

They won’t be traditional ones

Names like Howard and Hilda

But something unpredictable

Like Distemper and Chlamydia 

I CAN’T STAND HIM

 

“You look like Donald Sutherland”

She told me at the cocktail party

I was extremely flattered by this

Even though she was quite tarty

Being compared to a famous star

Left me with a warm feeling inside

Head high looking down my nose

I saw her smiling wryly at my pride

Its only human to be so flattered

Even if he doesn’t make girls swoon

Then she continued loudly in my ear

“Well viewed in the back of a spoon”

TIGER TIGER

 In their gentlemen’s club, two old soldiers

Are reliving past exploits over whisky sodas

“It was in northern India back in thirty-two

We were hunting up country to bag a few

We came to a clearing and to my surprise

I saw this huge Tiger right before my eyes

I stood there transfixed by the Tiger’s stare

So calmly I brought my rifle round to bear

And as my finger slowly squeezed the trigger

The tiger charged letting out a mighty AHHHH!!”

“What happened next?” Asked his old comrade

“Well, I have to say I shit myself I’m afraid”

“No shame in that when charged by a Tiger”

“No, no I mean just then when I went AHHHH!!”