I NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN

 

She cook’s and cleans

And keep’s things neat

And with five in the house

That’s no mean feat

There’s just one question

Though that has me beat

Tell me why she can never

Work the toilet seat

CREAM OF SOCIETY

They say there the cream of society

Their arrogance makes me sick

They’re the cream of our society

Because they’re rich and thick

BERRY, BERRY

 

The doctor scratches his head

And is almost struck dumb

Why does his patient have?

A strawberry stuck up his bum

The only answer is

On a strawberry he must have sat

Then he says

“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”

MARS WALK

 

After many years of trying

And years of deep space flying

After journeying across the stars

We finally land a man on Mars

 

He begins his walk at sunrise

And then he finds to his surprise

After exploring near and far

An Irish pub and a burger bar

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TOURIST

 

Breakfast on the waterfront

Al fresco in the morning air

Eleven-ish in the Medusa bar

An ice cream perhaps to share

 

Walking the beach together

Playing and having fun

Then head for Agia Marina

For lunch with Stavros at one

 

Find a quiet sheltered spot

And siesta under shady tree

Then cocktails at the Koala 

Beginning at half past three

 

Tottering home to the villa

A well-earned rest required

Refreshed and showered

A quayside café is desired

 

Satisfied and glowing after

Greek cuisine to drink and dine

Nightcaps at the Paradise bar

Brandy or a glass or two of wine

 

Returning to the villa happily

For a good night’s rest at last

The last thought as eyelids fall

I wonder what’s for breakfast

RAISED TO THE GROUND

 

His house caught fire he called for aid

Please someone call the fire brigade

As the poor man stood on his wooden legs

The brigade arrives “save my home” he begs

To save the burning house they sought

As against the fire they bravely fought

To urge them on was his desire

But he got to close, and his legs caught fire

They saved the house and looked around

To see the man burned to the ground

ANOTHER DRINK VICTORIA?

 

I’m curious to know was Howard Stern?

You should have watched Gabriel Byrne?

I’d really like to know did Penny Root?

Would you also like to see Neville Shute?

How dull it was to watch Winston Groom?

It will be nice to watch Clair Bloom?

After the event was Sylvia Chard?

Does anyone think that Eddie Izzard?

 

Does anyone know is Andrew Gold?

Would anyone know is Steve Bold?

Was anyone else watching Philip Cast?

Can anyone remember was James Last?

I can’t help wondering if Ralph Coates?

There is some doubt if Brenda Totes?

Does anyone think was Donna Tart?

Would you know was Maxwell Smart?

 

Does anyone know can Brion Toss?

I have often wondered is Ben Cross?

Can anyone tell me was Austin Talle?

Were you there and was Gladstone Small?

What I’d like to know could Sharon Roe?

You should have watched Anders Flo?

Would someone tell me will Davinda Singh?

Did anyone ever feel such a Sting?

 

Would anyone know who will Jo Brand?

Does anyone know is Louise Bland?

Can anyone remember if Alfred Sung?

What do you really think is Sean Young?

Tell me What’s the truth is Koo Stark?

Would anyone know was Yvonne Darke?

I Didn’t think I’d ever hear Natasha Pyne?

We all thought we’d hear Victoria Wine?