A Little Bit Of Humour # 123

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 373

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose


THE LVG WAY

Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”

YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR

Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”

WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT

We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma

MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES

My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet

WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID

When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero

MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU

I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo

I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA

I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous

I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE

According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date

MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS

Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry

BURNING ALL HER BILLS

My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 122

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 372

Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale

THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE

If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice

THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE

The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”

THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE

There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission

I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED

I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works

THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE

There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day

FORTUNE COOKIE

When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future

THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY

The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome

I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY

I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts

APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD

Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it

MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER

My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time

I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK

I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 121

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 371

Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly

THE PLURAL OF BOX

So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3

If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome

IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL

If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL

I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video

IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING

If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already

PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE

Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.

SOME OF US LEARN FROM

Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others

I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS

I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious

MANY MODERN HOMES NOW

Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it

ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes

A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN

A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient

MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM

My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out

FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER

Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo

A Little Bit Of Humour # 120

WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

BONSAI GRANDAD

My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 370

Diddledy, diddledy, dumpty
The cat ran up the plum-tree
But then so would you chum
If they were after your plums

THE PLURAL OF MOUSE

So if it is correct that
The plural of mouse is mice
Then why is the plural of house
Houses and not hice

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 3

It is a sad fact of life that if
Times are going well
You have overlooked something
And it will all go to hell

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2

If Lawyers can be disbarred
Can dustmen be well disposed?
Or can tour guides be detoured
And must models be deposed?

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2

My son jokes about my age
He is always making light
He says when I was a boy
Rainbows were black and white

DR. PEPPER IS A DR.

Dr. Pepper is a Dr.
But that’s the twist
But what kind,
I guess he’s a fizzicist

A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED

A young man got mugged
By a magician last year
He took a wallet, a watch,
And the coin from behind his ear

THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED

The Airplane was invented
By an optimist
While the parachute was
Invented by a pessimist

I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING

I have a phobia about flying
And I won’t fly Virgin, no way
After all why use an airline
That doesn’t go all the way?

YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK

You should never get back
Together with an old flame
It’s like having a garage sale
And buying your stuff back again

NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN

New evidence indicates that women
Who carry a little extra weight
Will live considerably longer
Than the men who mention it mate

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION

There is absolutely no substitution
Or for that matter an easy solution
For a genuine lack of preparation

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 119

WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride

GARDENING RULE

If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 369

Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
But when they were not up nor down
The grand old Duke forgot they were there
But that was an occupational hazard
As he had early onset dementia

THE PLURAL OF MAN

So if it is correct that
The plural of man is men
Then why is the plural of pan,
Pans and not pen

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 2

It is a sad fact of life that is
Inherently unfair
If there are four ways
In which a thing can go wrong
A fifth way will occur

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1

If Lawyers can be disbarred
then will fishermen be debated?
Will magicians be disillusioned?
And politicians denominated?

FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP

For the bargain price of a first class stamp
You can trust a letter to the post master
But it won’t be delivered the next day
And second class won’t arrive the day after

MY GRANDFATHER WAS A BIT DEAF

My Grandfather was a bit deaf
He couldn’t hear with clarity
When Neville Chamberlain
Declared our common enemy
He thought that England had
Declared war on Jeremy

SENTIMENTALITY

The man lived with a wife
Who was overly sentimental
And after many years of marriage
It finally sent him mental

MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT

My young son Justin was knocked out
Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout
Armageddon was the word that did it
But hey it’s not the end of the world is it

ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?

Are you wearing Mormon garments?
The ones like cool white milk
Are they supposed to be sacred?
Or something of that ilk
Or to preserve your modesty
In sensual soft shimmering silk

ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD

I saw something shocking
On one of those nature programs
All about racist seafood
They were the Ku Klux Clams

THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

The grass is not greener on the other side
Of the fence, that’s what they tell me
But, what if they’re wrong about that
And you never actually take a look and see

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY

I always wanted to be somebody,
Which proved to be impolitic
Because I realize that maybe
I should have been more specific.

DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC

Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac
His traits were a catalogue
And he stayed up all night
Deciding if there really is a dog

A Little Bit Of Humour # 118

WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride

WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN

When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 368

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
He goes to the doctor without hesitation
And four hours later has a penis extension

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 3

Are you wearing odd socks?
Well it’s not quirky or hipster
And I don’t think it was your intent
I think you must have dementia

THE PLURAL OF FOOT

So if it is correct that
The plural of foot is feet
Then why is the plural of boot,
Boots and not beet

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2

It is a sad fact of life that if
There is a worse time, when
Something can go wrong
Of course it will happen then

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2

If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?

WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG

When the princess found the frog
And the kiss was firmly planted
The prince turned out to be gay
And the Princess was disenchanted

BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST

Bimbette is not the brightest
And living with her is very hard
In fact she’s the reason
The gene pool needs a lifeguard

I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE

I made my girl Bimbette
Really laugh on Saturday
The only problem is I told
Her the joke on Wednesday

MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX

Men like logic and sex
In fact they really like it
But sex better than logic
Though I can't prove it

PUT DOWN # 59

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “you are the sun and the moon”
Simply don’t be taken in by it
And just say “I may love to shop
But I'm not buying your bullshit”

BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY

Bimbette says she can count to seventy
But I think that’s very doubtful
Because in my experience she always
Finds sixty nine a bit of a mouthful

SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT

Some people are up beat
And see life as a positive
But I was born to be a pessimist
Even my blood type is B Negative

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says that my first passport
Was written on a scroll

A Little Bit Of Humour # 117

WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride

TO A GARDENER

To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 2

Are you wearing odd socks?
I suppose the look is a bit hipster
But honestly at your age, you are
Meat and drink for a quipster

THE PLURAL OF TOOTH

So if it is correct that
The plural of tooth is teeth
Then why isn’t the plural
Of booth, beeth

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1

It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to cock,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1

If clergymen can be defrocked
And lawyers be disbarred
Then that must mean that
Tree surgeons can be debarked

MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD

My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool

THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA

The exited states of America
Have an upcoming election
And a Trump victory will make
The united states of aggression

A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS

A confused sperm asked for directions
Not really a masculine trait
But he asked and was told
Oh I wouldn’t start from here mate

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2

That's political correctness that is
When my little neighbour Allen
A short ass with a chip on his shoulder
Is actually vertically challenged

MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND

My wife drove her first husband
To shoot himself in despair
But she only drove her second
To the bottom of a bottle to be fair

PUT DOWN # 60

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG

Suicide is painless, according to the song
I think it’s supposed to be a witticism
But I have always thought of suicide
As the most sincere form of self-criticism

MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE

My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it

WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN

When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks

And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks