21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 371
Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly
THE PLURAL OF BOX
So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3
If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome
IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL
If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL
I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video
IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING
If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already
PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE
Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.
SOME OF US LEARN FROM
Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others
I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS
I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious
MANY MODERN HOMES NOW
Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it
ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN
A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient
MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM
My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out
FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER
Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo
Wednesday, 11 May 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 120
WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
BONSAI GRANDAD
My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 370
Diddledy, diddledy, dumpty
The cat ran up the plum-tree
But then so would you chum
If they were after your plums
THE PLURAL OF MOUSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of mouse is mice
Then why is the plural of house
Houses and not hice
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 3
It is a sad fact of life that if
Times are going well
You have overlooked something
And it will all go to hell
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2
If Lawyers can be disbarred
Can dustmen be well disposed?
Or can tour guides be detoured
And must models be deposed?
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2
My son jokes about my age
He is always making light
He says when I was a boy
Rainbows were black and white
DR. PEPPER IS A DR.
Dr. Pepper is a Dr.
But that’s the twist
But what kind,
I guess he’s a fizzicist
A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED
A young man got mugged
By a magician last year
He took a wallet, a watch,
And the coin from behind his ear
THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED
The Airplane was invented
By an optimist
While the parachute was
Invented by a pessimist
I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING
I have a phobia about flying
And I won’t fly Virgin, no way
After all why use an airline
That doesn’t go all the way?
YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK
You should never get back
Together with an old flame
It’s like having a garage sale
And buying your stuff back again
NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN
New evidence indicates that women
Who carry a little extra weight
Will live considerably longer
Than the men who mention it mate
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION
There is absolutely no substitution
Or for that matter an easy solution
For a genuine lack of preparation
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock
Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
BONSAI GRANDAD
My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 370
Diddledy, diddledy, dumpty
The cat ran up the plum-tree
But then so would you chum
If they were after your plums
THE PLURAL OF MOUSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of mouse is mice
Then why is the plural of house
Houses and not hice
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 3
It is a sad fact of life that if
Times are going well
You have overlooked something
And it will all go to hell
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2
If Lawyers can be disbarred
Can dustmen be well disposed?
Or can tour guides be detoured
And must models be deposed?
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2
My son jokes about my age
He is always making light
He says when I was a boy
Rainbows were black and white
DR. PEPPER IS A DR.
Dr. Pepper is a Dr.
But that’s the twist
But what kind,
I guess he’s a fizzicist
A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED
A young man got mugged
By a magician last year
He took a wallet, a watch,
And the coin from behind his ear
THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED
The Airplane was invented
By an optimist
While the parachute was
Invented by a pessimist
I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING
I have a phobia about flying
And I won’t fly Virgin, no way
After all why use an airline
That doesn’t go all the way?
YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK
You should never get back
Together with an old flame
It’s like having a garage sale
And buying your stuff back again
NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN
New evidence indicates that women
Who carry a little extra weight
Will live considerably longer
Than the men who mention it mate
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION
There is absolutely no substitution
Or for that matter an easy solution
For a genuine lack of preparation
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock
A Little Bit Of Humour # 119
WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride
GARDENING RULE
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 369
Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
But when they were not up nor down
The grand old Duke forgot they were there
But that was an occupational hazard
As he had early onset dementia
THE PLURAL OF MAN
So if it is correct that
The plural of man is men
Then why is the plural of pan,
Pans and not pen
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 2
It is a sad fact of life that is
Inherently unfair
If there are four ways
In which a thing can go wrong
A fifth way will occur
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1
If Lawyers can be disbarred
then will fishermen be debated?
Will magicians be disillusioned?
And politicians denominated?
FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP
For the bargain price of a first class stamp
You can trust a letter to the post master
But it won’t be delivered the next day
And second class won’t arrive the day after
MY GRANDFATHER WAS A BIT DEAF
My Grandfather was a bit deaf
He couldn’t hear with clarity
When Neville Chamberlain
Declared our common enemy
He thought that England had
Declared war on Jeremy
SENTIMENTALITY
The man lived with a wife
Who was overly sentimental
And after many years of marriage
It finally sent him mental
MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT
My young son Justin was knocked out
Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout
Armageddon was the word that did it
But hey it’s not the end of the world is it
ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?
Are you wearing Mormon garments?
The ones like cool white milk
Are they supposed to be sacred?
Or something of that ilk
Or to preserve your modesty
In sensual soft shimmering silk
ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD
I saw something shocking
On one of those nature programs
All about racist seafood
They were the Ku Klux Clams
THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
The grass is not greener on the other side
Of the fence, that’s what they tell me
But, what if they’re wrong about that
And you never actually take a look and see
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY
I always wanted to be somebody,
Which proved to be impolitic
Because I realize that maybe
I should have been more specific.
DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC
Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac
His traits were a catalogue
And he stayed up all night
Deciding if there really is a dog
Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride
GARDENING RULE
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 369
Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
But when they were not up nor down
The grand old Duke forgot they were there
But that was an occupational hazard
As he had early onset dementia
THE PLURAL OF MAN
So if it is correct that
The plural of man is men
Then why is the plural of pan,
Pans and not pen
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 2
It is a sad fact of life that is
Inherently unfair
If there are four ways
In which a thing can go wrong
A fifth way will occur
IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1
If Lawyers can be disbarred
then will fishermen be debated?
Will magicians be disillusioned?
And politicians denominated?
FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP
For the bargain price of a first class stamp
You can trust a letter to the post master
But it won’t be delivered the next day
And second class won’t arrive the day after
MY GRANDFATHER WAS A BIT DEAF
My Grandfather was a bit deaf
He couldn’t hear with clarity
When Neville Chamberlain
Declared our common enemy
He thought that England had
Declared war on Jeremy
SENTIMENTALITY
The man lived with a wife
Who was overly sentimental
And after many years of marriage
It finally sent him mental
MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT
My young son Justin was knocked out
Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout
Armageddon was the word that did it
But hey it’s not the end of the world is it
ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?
Are you wearing Mormon garments?
The ones like cool white milk
Are they supposed to be sacred?
Or something of that ilk
Or to preserve your modesty
In sensual soft shimmering silk
ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD
I saw something shocking
On one of those nature programs
All about racist seafood
They were the Ku Klux Clams
THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
The grass is not greener on the other side
Of the fence, that’s what they tell me
But, what if they’re wrong about that
And you never actually take a look and see
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY
I always wanted to be somebody,
Which proved to be impolitic
Because I realize that maybe
I should have been more specific.
DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC
Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac
His traits were a catalogue
And he stayed up all night
Deciding if there really is a dog
A Little Bit Of Humour # 118
WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride
WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN
When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 368
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
He goes to the doctor without hesitation
And four hours later has a penis extension
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 3
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well it’s not quirky or hipster
And I don’t think it was your intent
I think you must have dementia
THE PLURAL OF FOOT
So if it is correct that
The plural of foot is feet
Then why is the plural of boot,
Boots and not beet
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2
It is a sad fact of life that if
There is a worse time, when
Something can go wrong
Of course it will happen then
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2
If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?
WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG
When the princess found the frog
And the kiss was firmly planted
The prince turned out to be gay
And the Princess was disenchanted
BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST
Bimbette is not the brightest
And living with her is very hard
In fact she’s the reason
The gene pool needs a lifeguard
I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE
I made my girl Bimbette
Really laugh on Saturday
The only problem is I told
Her the joke on Wednesday
MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX
Men like logic and sex
In fact they really like it
But sex better than logic
Though I can't prove it
PUT DOWN # 59
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “you are the sun and the moon”
Simply don’t be taken in by it
And just say “I may love to shop
But I'm not buying your bullshit”
BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY
Bimbette says she can count to seventy
But I think that’s very doubtful
Because in my experience she always
Finds sixty nine a bit of a mouthful
SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT
Some people are up beat
And see life as a positive
But I was born to be a pessimist
Even my blood type is B Negative
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says that my first passport
Was written on a scroll
Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride
WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN
When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 368
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
He goes to the doctor without hesitation
And four hours later has a penis extension
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 3
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well it’s not quirky or hipster
And I don’t think it was your intent
I think you must have dementia
THE PLURAL OF FOOT
So if it is correct that
The plural of foot is feet
Then why is the plural of boot,
Boots and not beet
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2
It is a sad fact of life that if
There is a worse time, when
Something can go wrong
Of course it will happen then
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2
If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?
WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG
When the princess found the frog
And the kiss was firmly planted
The prince turned out to be gay
And the Princess was disenchanted
BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST
Bimbette is not the brightest
And living with her is very hard
In fact she’s the reason
The gene pool needs a lifeguard
I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE
I made my girl Bimbette
Really laugh on Saturday
The only problem is I told
Her the joke on Wednesday
MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX
Men like logic and sex
In fact they really like it
But sex better than logic
Though I can't prove it
PUT DOWN # 59
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “you are the sun and the moon”
Simply don’t be taken in by it
And just say “I may love to shop
But I'm not buying your bullshit”
BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY
Bimbette says she can count to seventy
But I think that’s very doubtful
Because in my experience she always
Finds sixty nine a bit of a mouthful
SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT
Some people are up beat
And see life as a positive
But I was born to be a pessimist
Even my blood type is B Negative
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says that my first passport
Was written on a scroll
A Little Bit Of Humour # 117
WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
TO A GARDENER
To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 2
Are you wearing odd socks?
I suppose the look is a bit hipster
But honestly at your age, you are
Meat and drink for a quipster
THE PLURAL OF TOOTH
So if it is correct that
The plural of tooth is teeth
Then why isn’t the plural
Of booth, beeth
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1
It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to cock,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1
If clergymen can be defrocked
And lawyers be disbarred
Then that must mean that
Tree surgeons can be debarked
MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD
My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool
THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA
The exited states of America
Have an upcoming election
And a Trump victory will make
The united states of aggression
A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS
A confused sperm asked for directions
Not really a masculine trait
But he asked and was told
Oh I wouldn’t start from here mate
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2
That's political correctness that is
When my little neighbour Allen
A short ass with a chip on his shoulder
Is actually vertically challenged
MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND
My wife drove her first husband
To shoot himself in despair
But she only drove her second
To the bottom of a bottle to be fair
PUT DOWN # 60
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”
SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG
Suicide is painless, according to the song
I think it’s supposed to be a witticism
But I have always thought of suicide
As the most sincere form of self-criticism
MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE
My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it
WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN
When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks
And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
TO A GARDENER
To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 2
Are you wearing odd socks?
I suppose the look is a bit hipster
But honestly at your age, you are
Meat and drink for a quipster
THE PLURAL OF TOOTH
So if it is correct that
The plural of tooth is teeth
Then why isn’t the plural
Of booth, beeth
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1
It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to cock,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1
If clergymen can be defrocked
And lawyers be disbarred
Then that must mean that
Tree surgeons can be debarked
MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD
My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool
THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA
The exited states of America
Have an upcoming election
And a Trump victory will make
The united states of aggression
A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS
A confused sperm asked for directions
Not really a masculine trait
But he asked and was told
Oh I wouldn’t start from here mate
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2
That's political correctness that is
When my little neighbour Allen
A short ass with a chip on his shoulder
Is actually vertically challenged
MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND
My wife drove her first husband
To shoot himself in despair
But she only drove her second
To the bottom of a bottle to be fair
PUT DOWN # 60
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”
SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG
Suicide is painless, according to the song
I think it’s supposed to be a witticism
But I have always thought of suicide
As the most sincere form of self-criticism
MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE
My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it
WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN
When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks
And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks
A Little Bit Of Humour # 116
WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 367
Mary had a little lamb
She couldn’t stop it bleating
So Mary snapped and the lamb
Made very good eating
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 1
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well that’s quirky in the youth
And it’s quite nice to see, but
But on you they look stupid in truth
THE PLURAL OF GOOSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of goose is geese
Then why isn’t the plural
Of moose, meese
THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT
The sex was so good last night
With my girlfriend Bimbette
That after it was over even
The neighbours had a cigarette.
I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY
I quit my job at the refinery
In the helium gas zone
It was a good job but I refused
To be spoken to in that tone
SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR
Shots were fired at the choir
Which has affected morale
The Arizona News called it
“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”
PUT DOWN # 58
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he falters and flirts with you
He is only flattering to deceive
So ignore him, but if he persists ask
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 1
It is a sad fact of life that is
Something of a curse
Left to themselves things
Will go from bad to worse
THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS
The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state
A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES
A chicken at the movies
Made the whole theatre look
So the manager asked
“Why are you here chook?”
The chicken replied,
“Well, because I liked the book”
I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO EXERCISE
I have been told to exercise
But I am deliberately refraining
As refusing to go to the gym
Counts as resistance training
HOSPITALITY IS AN ART FORM
Hospitality is an art form
Making your guests feel
Like they're actually at home,
While wishing they were for real
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 367
Mary had a little lamb
She couldn’t stop it bleating
So Mary snapped and the lamb
Made very good eating
ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 1
Are you wearing odd socks?
Well that’s quirky in the youth
And it’s quite nice to see, but
But on you they look stupid in truth
THE PLURAL OF GOOSE
So if it is correct that
The plural of goose is geese
Then why isn’t the plural
Of moose, meese
THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT
The sex was so good last night
With my girlfriend Bimbette
That after it was over even
The neighbours had a cigarette.
I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY
I quit my job at the refinery
In the helium gas zone
It was a good job but I refused
To be spoken to in that tone
SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR
Shots were fired at the choir
Which has affected morale
The Arizona News called it
“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”
PUT DOWN # 58
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he falters and flirts with you
He is only flattering to deceive
So ignore him, but if he persists ask
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 1
It is a sad fact of life that is
Something of a curse
Left to themselves things
Will go from bad to worse
THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS
The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state
A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES
A chicken at the movies
Made the whole theatre look
So the manager asked
“Why are you here chook?”
The chicken replied,
“Well, because I liked the book”
I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO EXERCISE
I have been told to exercise
But I am deliberately refraining
As refusing to go to the gym
Counts as resistance training
HOSPITALITY IS AN ART FORM
Hospitality is an art form
Making your guests feel
Like they're actually at home,
While wishing they were for real
Wednesday, 20 April 2016
Victoria Wood RIP
VICTORIA WOOD 1953-2016
I’ve always thought
The word overused
But Victoria Wood
Really was a genius.
But there is darkness
Where once a light shone
The bright light
Of an enduring star
Which is now extinguished.
But not in our hearts
For there she burns still
As her laughter always will
VICTORIA WOOD A TRUE TALENT
If I have to pick just one Gem
From her creative canon
Then “The Ballad of Barry and Freda”
Would have to be the one
The pace and delivery of wit
Hits you like a comic volley
Like “Bend me over backwards
On me Hostess trolley”
Great Humour filled lines
Delivered oh so sleekly
Like “Beat me on the bottom
With a Woman’s weekly”
Or “Come and melt the buttons
On me flameproof nightie”
I can picture her singing it
To St P and God almighty
I’ve always thought
The word overused
But Victoria Wood
Really was a genius.
But there is darkness
Where once a light shone
The bright light
Of an enduring star
Which is now extinguished.
But not in our hearts
For there she burns still
As her laughter always will
VICTORIA WOOD A TRUE TALENT
If I have to pick just one Gem
From her creative canon
Then “The Ballad of Barry and Freda”
Would have to be the one
The pace and delivery of wit
Hits you like a comic volley
Like “Bend me over backwards
On me Hostess trolley”
Great Humour filled lines
Delivered oh so sleekly
Like “Beat me on the bottom
With a Woman’s weekly”
Or “Come and melt the buttons
On me flameproof nightie”
I can picture her singing it
To St P and God almighty
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