A Little Bit Of Humour # 116

WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 367

Mary had a little lamb
She couldn’t stop it bleating
So Mary snapped and the lamb
Made very good eating

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 1

Are you wearing odd socks?
Well that’s quirky in the youth
And it’s quite nice to see, but
But on you they look stupid in truth

THE PLURAL OF GOOSE

So if it is correct that
The plural of goose is geese
Then why isn’t the plural
Of moose, meese

THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT

The sex was so good last night
With my girlfriend Bimbette
That after it was over even
The neighbours had a cigarette.

I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY

I quit my job at the refinery
In the helium gas zone
It was a good job but I refused
To be spoken to in that tone

SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR

Shots were fired at the choir
Which has affected morale
The Arizona News called it
“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”

PUT DOWN # 58

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he falters and flirts with you
He is only flattering to deceive
So ignore him, but if he persists ask
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 1

It is a sad fact of life that is
Something of a curse
Left to themselves things
Will go from bad to worse

THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS

The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state

A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES

A chicken at the movies
Made the whole theatre look
So the manager asked
“Why are you here chook?”
The chicken replied,
“Well, because I liked the book”

I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO EXERCISE

I have been told to exercise
But I am deliberately refraining
As refusing to go to the gym
Counts as resistance training

HOSPITALITY IS AN ART FORM

Hospitality is an art form
Making your guests feel
Like they're actually at home,
While wishing they were for real

Victoria Wood RIP

VICTORIA WOOD 1953-2016

I’ve always thought
The word overused
But Victoria Wood
Really was a genius.
But there is darkness
Where once a light shone
The bright light
Of an enduring star
Which is now extinguished.
But not in our hearts
For there she burns still
As her laughter always will


VICTORIA WOOD A TRUE TALENT

If I have to pick just one Gem
From her creative canon
Then “The Ballad of Barry and Freda”
Would have to be the one
The pace and delivery of wit
Hits you like a comic volley
Like “Bend me over backwards
On me Hostess trolley”
Great Humour filled lines
Delivered oh so sleekly
Like “Beat me on the bottom
With a Woman’s weekly”
Or “Come and melt the buttons
On me flameproof nightie”
I can picture her singing it
To St P and God almighty

A Little Bit Of Humour # 115

TO A GARDENER

To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear

WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride

WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN

When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error

THE SIMPLE RED ROSE WAS ONCE

The simple red rose was once
The emblem of the English
But alas it has been replaced
In England by the satellite dish

WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride

BONSAI GRANDAD

My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller

THE MELONS ARE HAVING A BIG WEDDING

The Melons are having a big wedding
“Hello magazine” have the scoop
However they don’t really want
A big affair but they cantaloupe

WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

THE MOST POPULAR NUDISTS

The most popular man in a nudist colony
Can carry 2 large coffees and twelve donuts
The most popular woman in a nudist colony
Is the one who can eat the last two donuts

THE WAY TO GARDEN EFFECTIVELY

To garden effectively, firstly, put on a hat
But be very careful, and choose the right one
Straw preferably, and it should have a
Wide brim to protect you from the sun
Some old clothes, but nothing too scruffy
It should be a stylish yet practical rig
And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink
In the other, tell somebody else where to dig

A Little Bit Of Humour # 114

WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

THERE IS AN OWL OF LOW MORALS

There is an Owl of low morals
That frequents our park
And subsequently it doesn’t
Give a hoot after dark

A ROYAL WARRANT

In order for a Baker to get
A Royal warrant, it is said
They need to be like many
Royals and be inter-bred

THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING

The border agency are struggling
To prevent mosquitos from getting in
They’re very cunning creatures
Who all claim to be Asylum Zika’s

OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS

Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers
With special diets and all that ilk
N’owt good ever came of pampering cows
And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk

NOBEL PRIZE’S

They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now
And the latest recipient has been revealed
The winner is a scarecrow of all things
Mind you he is outstanding in his field

IT RAINS IN ENGLAND

England has a reputation for being wet
And it’s a well-deserved one I fear
And the simple reason for that is that
The Queen has reigned so many years

IN THE VEGETABLE WORLD

In the vegetable world, the posh potatoes
Never listen to football on the radio
There is nothing they dislike greater
Than the sound of a Common-tater

A DOCTOR POINTED OUT

A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce
That protruded from the patient’s ear
And added that it might be serious
As it could be the tip of the iceberg

AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN

Among abominable snowmen
There is a virgin called Betty
And to all her kith and kin
She is known as a not Yeti

WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride

A Little Bit Of Humour # 113

GARDENING RULE

If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed

SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE

A husband pays five hundred pounds
To get his wife a sheer negligée
So she thought she should pose for him
As it was a lot of money to pay
But decided to pretend to wear the item
And then next day get a refund on it
He looked on wide eyed and said
“For the price they could have ironed it”

WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the philanderer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL

We used to have an Owl
He was really cute
But he had low self esteem
So didn’t give a hoot

A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG

A toddler starts chewing on a slug
As mum looks on and squirms
But she asked what it tasted like
And the toddler replied "Worms"

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED

A man was left mentally scarred
After swinging from trees in his yard
When a branch snagged on his leotard
So he was hoisted on his own petard

I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER

I’m a really rubbish gardener
I find it all a bit of a chore
If only I was better outside
At simple horticulture
And grow stuff in the garden
Like I do in the refrigerator

WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the voyeur cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER

Never lose your heart to a tennis player
And that goes for women and men
But it’s not that they are bad people
It’s just that love means nothing to them

BREAK A LEG

Telling actors to "Break a leg"
Is a tradition from long past
And the reason for it is this
Actors like to be in a good cast

WEEDS AND FLOWERS

The difference between
Weeds and flowers
Is without a doubt
That the garden weeds
Are the most difficult
By far to pull out

FATHERS DAY PRAYER

All his life, she’d been
Likened to his Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
He was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
He replied that he hoped
In as fewer ways as possible

MOTHERS DAY PRAYER

All her life, she’d been
Likened to her Mum
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
She was asked
How are you different to your Mum?
She replied that she hoped
In as fewer ways as possible