I woke up with Wogan,
With 8 million others
I even contributed in a small way
Like many sisters and brothers
And when he was usurped
By the upstart Evans
Anton Deck and I
Shook a fist to the heavens
When I woke to the news
Of the Togmeisters demise
A lump filled my throat
And tears filled my eyes
With his warm easy manner
Friendly, witty and clever
He has a new audience now
And I will be a TOG forever
Monday, 1 February 2016
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 111
EASTER PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2
The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop
HAVING + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone
WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING
When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs
AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY
At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside
PICKUP # 16
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"
ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS
Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing
AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB
An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup
I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD
I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast
WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM
We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport
I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM
I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2
The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop
HAVING + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone
WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING
When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs
AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY
At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside
PICKUP # 16
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"
ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS
Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing
AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB
An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup
I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD
I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast
WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM
We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport
I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM
I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far
A Little Bit Of Humour # 110
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”
FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN
Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT
The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
PICKUP # 15
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1
The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn
IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE
In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper
MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME
“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”
SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER
Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING
The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?
Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham
MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER
My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold
ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD
One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives
EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME
Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day
SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF
She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”
FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN
Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT
The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
PICKUP # 15
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1
The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn
IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE
In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper
MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME
“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”
SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER
Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING
The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?
Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham
MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER
My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold
ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD
One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives
EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME
Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day
SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF
She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg
Monday, 30 November 2015
Christmas 2015 # 9
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer
SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS
She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”
THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN
So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur
A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED
A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited
MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS
My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do
Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer
SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS
She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”
THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN
So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur
A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED
A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited
MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS
My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do
Christmas 2015 # 8
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farse
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farse
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Christmas 2015 # 7
ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Christmas 2015 # 6
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
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