A Little Bit Of Humour # 103

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6

“No hairdressers at the resort”
The sign said at the resort
My wife is a hairdresser
And she was totally distraught

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6

We went all-inclusive and booked
A day out to a water park, with flumes
But no-one thought to tell us we needed
To take our own swimming costumes

BOOF IS AN ACRONYM

BOOF is an acronym
For "burned out old fart"
I hope that doesn’t refer to me
I’ll tell you that for a start

VAGAZZLING

Vagazzling is a really bizarre
Thing to do to your bits, ok
Because the only men that
Find it attractive will be gay

I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE

I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine
But when all else failed I decided to try it
I was given helium as part of my treatment
And I can’t speak highly enough about it

AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING

After being caught using an
Abhorrent substance in plain view
The shamed sportsman has promised
Never again to touch tofu

AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE

After being caught, with no excuse
For abhorrent substance abuse
The shamed sportsman has sworn
Never again to touch Quorn

AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES

At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the sponsors participating
Is a pharmaceutical giant who
Are sponsoring the Speed skating

IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT RED BULL

It was inevitable that Red Bull
Would be involved in Formula One
The spectators need to drink it
To stay awake when all said and done

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DISLIKE F1

I can’t tell you how much I dislike F1
I only watch as a last resort
I find the F1 function key on my laptop
More interesting than the sport

A Little Bit Of Humour # 102

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 5

We flew to the West Indies
It took nine hours to get there
It took the Americans three hours
This seems very unfair

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5

We requested a twin bed room
But we ended up with a king size
As a result my wife is pregnant
So that was a nice holiday surprise

CRAFT IS AN ACRONYM

CRAFT is an acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
And it’s an Acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”

WE WENT TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX

We went to the local Multiplex
To watch a film called “Anticlimax”
I would have left early if I could
Although the first part was good

MY GIRLFRIEND PASSED OUT

My girlfriend passed out
On the “merry go round”
But she’s alright now, as
What goes around comes around

MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT

My uncle’s favourite treat
Is Millionaire’s shortbread
But since he won the lottery
He just calls it shortbread

BEFORE THE WALL CAME DOWN

Before the wall came down, the
East was all about the Warsaw Pact
But since it was demolished, now
The East is empty and that’s a fact

I KNOW THAT PETTY CRIME IS RIFE

I know that petty crime is rife
But how did it come to this
Someone stole my urine sample
And that’s taking the piss

YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING

You can train animals to do anything
I don’t know where it will stop
We have a Pole dancing sheep
In the window of the kebab shop

AFTER MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK

After many years of hard work
Dedication, and repetitive training
Honing my craft at small events
Being informative and entertaining

So when the Olympics came around
My confidence was brimming
But I still ended up commentating
On the synchronized swimming

A Little Bit Of Humour # 101

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 4

We went to Spain on Holiday
But we didn’t like it a bit
The local supermarket
Didn’t even sell a proper biscuit

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 4

When we were on holiday
We went swimming in the sea
No-one said there would be fish
The kids found it very scary
DILF IS AN ACRONYM

DILF is an acronym for
“Dad I’d like to fuck”
I got one that says
“Who’s the daddy”, just my luck

WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

What is an Australian kiss?
Do you ever wonder?
Well it’s the same as a French kiss,
Only it’s down under.

THE PAPILLION AFFAIR

My friends happened to mention that
They didn’t particularly like butterflies
And my parents lost it completely,
Not caring for wherefores or whys
My friends became persona non grata
Treated as if they were evil Visigoths
It wasn’t as if they harmed butterflies
They just thought them arrogant Moths

THE BIG SALE STARTS TODAY

The big sale starts today,
30% Reduction Friday
Which comes the day after
50% increase Thursday

TURN ON COUNTDOWN

Last night I was watching Countdown
And Rachel Riley in a colourful gown
When I told my wife, where I am housed
That when watching Rachel I got Aroused
I could tell that I had let down my guard
Her instant response was to slap me, hard
She slapped me unconscious how absurd
And all I did was get a seven-letter word

POSTMAN LOSES SACK

“Postman loses sack”
The crossword-er said
How many letters?
A listener wondered
The former replied
About 500

THE HEAD OF GLOBAL SALES

The head of global sales
Bought a new kitten today
And when he took it home
He took it to the litter tray
And then he said “let’s not
Think outside the box, ok”

THE ONLY GOOD THING

The only good thing
About the end of Wimbledon
Is it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season

A Little Bit Of Humour # 100

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 3

We went on holiday to Spain
But the shopkeepers couldn’t be lazier
The shops closed in the afternoon
I ran out of fags during the Siesta

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3

Topless sunbathing on the beach
Should be universally banned
My husband finds it distracting
And can’t relax as he planned

MILF IS AN ACRONYM

MILF is an acronym for
“Mum I’d like to fuck”
But I’d end up with a Mother
Superior knowing my luck

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT A SELFIE STICK

When I first heard about a selfie stick
I thought to myself “that sounds good”
But when I eventually got to see one
It was obvious I had misunderstood

I HAD BREAKFAST WITH AN ORNITHOLOGIST

I had breakfast with an Ornithologist
And I thought the waiter made a mistake
But it turned out it was me who was wrong
He really had ordered some Corn Crake

THE TRUTH ABOUT CANDY CRUSH

When I first heard the name mentioned
I had a flash back to tell the truth
I was convinced that Candy Crush
Was a minor porn star from my youth

I AM A QUITE REMARKABLE PERSON

I am a quite remarkable person
And that’s a matter of fact
But the trouble with being fantastic
Is that Opposites attract

THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY

The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And I have always wondered why
As they have three patron saints
Perhaps Patrick had a better PR guy

HE WAS NOT BLESSED WITH LOOKS

He was not blessed with looks
And had a look to be pitied
He had a face like a fit, but
You couldn’t tell what it fitted

HIS FEATURES WERE AT ODDS

His features were at odds
Individually each was a quirk
His face didn’t seem to understand
The value of teamwork

NEGLECTED WIFE

She was a good wife but was neglected
She had no marital attention paid
Her husband was always in the pub
Blowing the froth off another barmaid

A Little Bit Of Humour # 99

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 2

We went on holiday to Spain
The taxi drivers were a nightmare
All of them were Spanish
Now how can that be fair?

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 2

We had a terrible holiday
It was ruined by drunken pests
Our tour operator should have
Warned us of noisy unruly guests

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?

Are you wearing eau de Cologne?
Well something smells wrong
I don’t think it’s the real deal
Like it was bottled in Hong Kong?

ALTHOUGH I’M CLEARLY NOT A GIRL

Although I’m clearly not a girl I do
Understand the concept of a trainer bra
But if there are similar aims with trainer socks
Then I don’t know what they are

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR IS FAT AND BALD

My next door neighbour is fat and bald
And just sits around all day
He’s looks like the Buddha, but without
The enlightenment I’d say

I TOLD MY DAD THAT I HAD JOB TEMPING

I told my dad that I had job temping
Which sent him quite dolalli
“Fifteen years of education” he raged
“To work at a bowling alley”

ECCEDENTESIAST DESCRIBES SOMEONE

Eccedentesiast describes someone
Who hide their pain behind a smile
Football supporters are like that
Especially if you support Carlisle

MY MUSIC TASTES ARE QUITE ECLECTIC

My music tastes are quite eclectic
So in almost any genre I easily fit
From classical to electro swing
But rap music is an oxymoron isn’t it?

THE DEFINITION OF OXYMORON

The definition of oxymoron
Well that should be a breeze
I’ll give you a clue, it’s not
A person too stupid to breathe

APPLE ARE BUILDING A NEW HQ

Apple are building a new HQ
Its secret design, nobody knows
But one thing we know for sure
The office won’t have windows

A Little Bit Of Humour # 98

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 1

We went on holiday to Goa in India
We won’t go back in a hurry
I was disgusted to find that almost
Every restaurant served curry

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 1

We went on a self-catering
Luxury break in Bognor
But the fully equipped kitchen
Didn’t have an egg separator

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Or you might catch cold

YOLO IS AN ACRONYM

YOLO is an acronym for
“You only live once” which is nice
Unless of course you’re James Bond
Then “you only live twice”

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE TOILETTE?

Are you wearing eau de toilette?
Well it’s starting to make me gag
It also reminds me of something
Oh I know it’s a tarts handbag

APPLE ARE DESIGNING A HOUSE

Apple are designing a house
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iHome
Is going to have Windows

GROUNDHOG DAY 2015

I heard that Punxsutawney Phil had last year
Bitten the towns Mayor's on the ear
It spoilt the photo opportunity alright
I wonder if that would be a sound bite?

GREECE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS HAS NOW DEEPENED

Greece’s financial crisis has now deepened
Causing a deep and widespread depression
Humus and Taramasalata sales have been banned
Which has now caused a double dip recession

MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT

My wife is a sex object
Though I still have respect
But whenever I ask for sex,
She will always object

ACCORDING TO A POLL

Women’s silk Panties are Not
The best thing on earth,
According to a poll they are
Next to the best thing on earth

Easter Tales 2015

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER TOP?

Are you wearing an Easter Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

YOU CAN LIKEN IT TO RUDOLF

Why does the Easter Bunny
Have such a shiny nose?
You can liken it to Rudolf
The thing actually glows
Well the answer is obvious
And I don’t mean to offend
But it’s because his powder puff
Is stuck to his rear end

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER DRESS?

Are you wearing an Easter Dress?
The big yellow ribbon is really pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So I can unwrap my Easter present

LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 1

Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter does not commemorate the time
When Jesus hid eggs in the gardens
Of Gethsemane for the disciples to find

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER HAT?

Are you wearing an Easter Hat?
Well more accurately it’s a bonnet
It sits so perfectly on your head
And you’re as pretty as a sonnet

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting hero
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Rabbit De Niro

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER CHICKS?

Are you wearing Easter chicks?
They’re precious little honeys
But I have to be honest
I much prefer your bunnies

THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 1

The only way the Easter Bunny
Can paint all of the eggs in time for Easter
Is to hire some of Santa's elves
During the slow season as casual labour

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER SWEATER?

Are you wearing an Easter sweater?
It’s one of the hand knitted ones
Though I’m not a fan of novelty knitwear
I can ogle your hot crossed buns

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting Ophelia
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Bunnie Bedelia

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Easter ankle socks?
Well they’re right on the money
They’re perfect for the Easter Parade
And you look as cute as a bunny

EASTER MEANING

Easter bunny
In his furry suit
Baby Chickens
Soft and cute
Easter cards
Of greeting
Sing praise at the
Sunday meeting
And remember
The meaning of Easter

It’s the chocolate eggs
It’s a no brainer

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER JUMPER?

Are you wearing an Easter Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
But you really don’t need a bigger size
It fits them perfectly if I may apprise

THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 2

The only way the Easter Bunny
Can decorate eggs in time for Easter
Is to paint them all, otherwise
They would have to use wallpaper

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing an Easter Cardigan?
Or perhaps I should ask you why?
It’s a gloriously sunny day
And there’s not a cloud in the sky

LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 2

Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter Day does not commemorate
The a day in the gardens Of Gethsemane
When Jesus turned rabbits into chocolate

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Easter earrings?
To mark the most holy of days
With the simplicity of the cross
It is the most symbolic of ways

WHAT CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
It’s a question as old as money
And the answer to it is quite obvious
It was in fact neither, it was the Easter Bunny

DURING THE EASTER HOLIDAY

During the Easter holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3

The best Easter actor of all time
Well maybe not but bear with me
So for this exercise he’s the winner
And Cluck Norris that would be

SO WHICH CAME FIRST

So which came first
What do you reckon?
The chocolate egg
Or the chocolate chicken