21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 360
There they go round the mulberry bush,
Showing there bush,
Showing there bush,
There they go round the mulberry bush,
On a cold and frosty morning
ARE YOU WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT?
Are you wearing a Stovepipe Hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
Are you trying to look taller?
Well a very wise man heeds
That any man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8
If your blind date is described to you
As “Professional” then start to twitch
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And she will definitely be a Certified Bitch
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN REALLY LOST HIS TEMPER
Frosty the snowman really lost his temper
And his behaviour was an absolute disgrace
He kept going on about an aggressive carrot
And he kept saying "just get out of my face"
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6
When you’re only browsing
In a department store
Five different sales people
Sometimes even more
Pestering and prying and
Asking if they can assist you
But when you need a one
There’s never one in view
WHEN YOU HAVE TEENAGERS
When you have teenagers
The more elaborate the excuse
The greater the likelihood
That it’s not actually the truth
THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE
The art of modern medicine
Consists by varying degrees
Of keeping the patient amused
While nature cures the disease
IT’S BEEN TWENTY FIVE YEARS
It’s been twenty five years
Since the day she said “I do”
Almost as long as when
I said to her “you’re not are you?”
WHEN YOU ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
When you are in a long term relationship
On Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries
Your normally rational other halves
Turn into fire breathing adversaries
And those once happy and joyous occasions
Become life and death quests to test us
To see if we can find the perfect present
And that goes double for Christmas
I DON’T LIKE STRIPPERS
I don’t like strippers
Pouting erotically
Bumping and grinding
Doesn’t do it for me
Nor Pole dancers
Going at it athletically
Lap dancing likewise
Doesn’t do it for me
Watching women undress
That does do it for me
Providing of course
I can find a suitable tree
I’VE BEEN INVITED TO GO AND SEE
I’ve been invited to go and see
Pole dancing and I’m rather keen
The last time I was only ten
And it was on the village green
MY DAD JOINED THE NAVY
My Dad joined the Navy
To see the world
And get out and about
But once he’d seen it
He wasn’t impressed
And wanted to get out
Thursday, 5 February 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 85
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 359
Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Which was unusual to find
A rodent interested
In chronology
ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?
Are you wearing a cape?
A super hero’s shoulder drape
But you’re not a caped crusader
You’re a substitute teacher
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7
If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5
There is nothing that annoys me more
Than the elevator stopping on every floor
No one gets on or off which irks me treble
In fact it’s annoying on more than one level
FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY
Falling in love is like poetry
But when she no longer calls
Don’t start writing her number
On every single toilet wall
THE GENERAL CONSENSUS
The general consensus
Is that it is inappropriate
To spank a child, and rightly so
Therefore with my own children
And grandchildren for that matter
I adopted a different tack
Whenever one of the little darlings
Goes into “meltdown”
I take the unhappy child
For a ride in the car
Where I find it possible to talk to them
Some say it's the cars vibration
Or the rhythm of the vehicle
Or maybe it’s just escaping
The modern day gadgets
Whatever it is I always find
A twenty minute car ride
With them tied to the roof rack
Always does the trick
AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER
An ostrich's eye is bigger
Than its brain, apparently
I have known quite a few
People afflicted similarly
DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Don’t compare yourself to others,
Whatever else you might do
Because in all probability
They’re more screwed up than you
MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST
My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist
He pays one hundred pounds a time
And he’s been doing it for bloody years
I think he must be out of his tiny mind
MY YOUNGER SISTER HAS SOME HABITS
My younger sister has some habits
That expose her to certain dangers
One of which is her innate ability
To annoy complete strangers
GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN
George Washington chopped down
His father's favourite cherry tree,
Then George admitted doing it
He was rewarded for his honesty
When his father didn't punish him
Well those are the accepted facts
But I think we should consider
That George was still holding the ax
THE ONLY CUTTING EDGE THAT
The only cutting edge that
Gets sharper through life
The more it’s been used
Is the tongue of my wife
Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Which was unusual to find
A rodent interested
In chronology
ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?
Are you wearing a cape?
A super hero’s shoulder drape
But you’re not a caped crusader
You’re a substitute teacher
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7
If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5
There is nothing that annoys me more
Than the elevator stopping on every floor
No one gets on or off which irks me treble
In fact it’s annoying on more than one level
FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY
Falling in love is like poetry
But when she no longer calls
Don’t start writing her number
On every single toilet wall
THE GENERAL CONSENSUS
The general consensus
Is that it is inappropriate
To spank a child, and rightly so
Therefore with my own children
And grandchildren for that matter
I adopted a different tack
Whenever one of the little darlings
Goes into “meltdown”
I take the unhappy child
For a ride in the car
Where I find it possible to talk to them
Some say it's the cars vibration
Or the rhythm of the vehicle
Or maybe it’s just escaping
The modern day gadgets
Whatever it is I always find
A twenty minute car ride
With them tied to the roof rack
Always does the trick
AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER
An ostrich's eye is bigger
Than its brain, apparently
I have known quite a few
People afflicted similarly
DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Don’t compare yourself to others,
Whatever else you might do
Because in all probability
They’re more screwed up than you
MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST
My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist
He pays one hundred pounds a time
And he’s been doing it for bloody years
I think he must be out of his tiny mind
MY YOUNGER SISTER HAS SOME HABITS
My younger sister has some habits
That expose her to certain dangers
One of which is her innate ability
To annoy complete strangers
GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN
George Washington chopped down
His father's favourite cherry tree,
Then George admitted doing it
He was rewarded for his honesty
When his father didn't punish him
Well those are the accepted facts
But I think we should consider
That George was still holding the ax
THE ONLY CUTTING EDGE THAT
The only cutting edge that
Gets sharper through life
The more it’s been used
Is the tongue of my wife
A Little Bit Of Humour # 84
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 358
Hey diddle diddle
Someone’s on the fiddle
It will probably be
Another celebrity
Not paying their tax
WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL
We learned about food groups today at school
Confections, vegetables, meat and protein
Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses and legumes
But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine
ARE YOU WEARING ANY?
Are you wearing any?
Beneath your tartan gear
Because if your kilt flares up
There will be a raucous cheer
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 6
If your blind date is described to you
As “a free spirit” you may fancy a frolic
But it will be far worse than it sounds
They’re either a drug addict or an alcoholic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 4
Is there anything more annoying?
Than when checking your tyre pressure
And you're trying to get a reading
Your pressure gauge lets out half the air
FOGHORN LEGHORN DIDN’T LIKE TO GO OUT
Foghorn Leghorn didn’t like to go out
It made his heartbeat quicken
So he wouldn’t even cross the road
Because he was a chicken
OVER CHRISTMAS THE AMBULANCE SERVICE
Over Christmas the ambulance service
Were “super busy”, meaning it was hectic
I’ve never heard that unit of measurement
So I’m not sure if it’s imperial or metric
WHEN WILLIAM JOINED THE ARMY
When William joined the army
He struggled with some of the drill
But the thing he hated the most
Was when they said “fire at will”
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS
When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the trick
When life gives you melons
You’re probably dyslexic
WHEN I GO AND PLAY GOLF
When I go and play golf, there
Is something I’ve always done
I take a second pair of Trousers
Just in case I get a hole in one
HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT
Here is an interesting fact
Which should come as no surprise
The inventor of the humble
Door knocker won the No-bell prize
POETRY CAN BE VERY ROMANTIC
Poetry can be very romantic
But it doesn’t work for all
And it doesn’t really count if
You write it on a toilet wall
Hey diddle diddle
Someone’s on the fiddle
It will probably be
Another celebrity
Not paying their tax
WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL
We learned about food groups today at school
Confections, vegetables, meat and protein
Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses and legumes
But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine
ARE YOU WEARING ANY?
Are you wearing any?
Beneath your tartan gear
Because if your kilt flares up
There will be a raucous cheer
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 6
If your blind date is described to you
As “a free spirit” you may fancy a frolic
But it will be far worse than it sounds
They’re either a drug addict or an alcoholic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 4
Is there anything more annoying?
Than when checking your tyre pressure
And you're trying to get a reading
Your pressure gauge lets out half the air
FOGHORN LEGHORN DIDN’T LIKE TO GO OUT
Foghorn Leghorn didn’t like to go out
It made his heartbeat quicken
So he wouldn’t even cross the road
Because he was a chicken
OVER CHRISTMAS THE AMBULANCE SERVICE
Over Christmas the ambulance service
Were “super busy”, meaning it was hectic
I’ve never heard that unit of measurement
So I’m not sure if it’s imperial or metric
WHEN WILLIAM JOINED THE ARMY
When William joined the army
He struggled with some of the drill
But the thing he hated the most
Was when they said “fire at will”
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS
When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the trick
When life gives you melons
You’re probably dyslexic
WHEN I GO AND PLAY GOLF
When I go and play golf, there
Is something I’ve always done
I take a second pair of Trousers
Just in case I get a hole in one
HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT
Here is an interesting fact
Which should come as no surprise
The inventor of the humble
Door knocker won the No-bell prize
POETRY CAN BE VERY ROMANTIC
Poetry can be very romantic
But it doesn’t work for all
And it doesn’t really count if
You write it on a toilet wall
A Little Bit Of Humour # 83
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 357
Did you ever see a lassie?
A lassie, a lassie?
I’m not sure terms of endearment
Of that kind are strictly PC
ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SHIRT?
Are you wearing a denim shirt?
Well if I may be so bold
Whether it’s in fashion or not
You manage to make it look old
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 5
If your blind date is described to you
As “passionate and beautiful” don’t try her
Because in all probability she’ll be
A Sloppy drunk and a pathological liar
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 3
Is there anything more annoying? As when
You want to use a word but can’t spell it
And fail to look it up in the dictionary
Because you don't know how to spell it
DIETING TIP # 9
Things licked off knives and spoons,
Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,
During the process of preparation
Are absolutely devoid of calories
FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 2
Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Have all chosen to assemble
Their very own chicken choir
Which is called a Hensemble
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don’t know what to do
About all the sex, nudity,
Foul language and violence
On my DVD
CHOCOLATE BUTTONS
Chocolate buttons have always
Struck me as being rather rude
You may think it strange but
After all they’re Smartie’s in the nude
A COUPLE OF WOMEN
A couple of women
Live next door to me
One is middle-aged
And teaches PE
The other a social worker
In her mid-twenties
They go everywhere together
If you please
And I’ve never seen a man
Either enter or leave
I’m beginning to think
That they might be Lebanese
BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED
Being from an army family I dreaded
Being invited to the officer’s mess
Because I’d have one too many margarita’s
And it always ends in distress
WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION
When I suggested you needed protection
I wasn’t meaning you needed a condom
I was merely wondering if you happened
To have a suitable raincoat to put on
I WAS ALMOST DROWNED
I was almost drowned
Just a few miles from shore
And my life passed before my eyes
God it was a total bore
Did you ever see a lassie?
A lassie, a lassie?
I’m not sure terms of endearment
Of that kind are strictly PC
ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SHIRT?
Are you wearing a denim shirt?
Well if I may be so bold
Whether it’s in fashion or not
You manage to make it look old
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 5
If your blind date is described to you
As “passionate and beautiful” don’t try her
Because in all probability she’ll be
A Sloppy drunk and a pathological liar
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 3
Is there anything more annoying? As when
You want to use a word but can’t spell it
And fail to look it up in the dictionary
Because you don't know how to spell it
DIETING TIP # 9
Things licked off knives and spoons,
Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,
During the process of preparation
Are absolutely devoid of calories
FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 2
Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Have all chosen to assemble
Their very own chicken choir
Which is called a Hensemble
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don’t know what to do
About all the sex, nudity,
Foul language and violence
On my DVD
CHOCOLATE BUTTONS
Chocolate buttons have always
Struck me as being rather rude
You may think it strange but
After all they’re Smartie’s in the nude
A COUPLE OF WOMEN
A couple of women
Live next door to me
One is middle-aged
And teaches PE
The other a social worker
In her mid-twenties
They go everywhere together
If you please
And I’ve never seen a man
Either enter or leave
I’m beginning to think
That they might be Lebanese
BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED
Being from an army family I dreaded
Being invited to the officer’s mess
Because I’d have one too many margarita’s
And it always ends in distress
WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION
When I suggested you needed protection
I wasn’t meaning you needed a condom
I was merely wondering if you happened
To have a suitable raincoat to put on
I WAS ALMOST DROWNED
I was almost drowned
Just a few miles from shore
And my life passed before my eyes
God it was a total bore
A Little Bit Of Humour # 82
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 356
Cock a doodle do!
The master's lost his fiddlestick?
And I don’t even think
I want to know what that is
ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING TODAY?
Are you wearing anything today?
Well as I’m fond of your body type
If the answer is no, we can hang up
The phone and then we can Skype
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 4
If your blind date is described to you
As “Average looking” then look out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll have a face like a trout
WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 4
We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Chuckie Eggs my dad
Used to call them
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 2
Is there anything more annoying?
Can there ever be any doubt
When you can never get anything
Back in a box the way it came out
DIETING TIP # 8
Regarding the eating of broken biscuits
I think I have a tip that might assuage
Cookie pieces contain no calories as
Breaking them causes calorie leakage
FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 1
Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Are a sickly bunch of cocks
They are itchy and scratchy
And all have the people-pox
MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM LAPLAND
My Grandfather was from Lapland
And he was a the greatest hunter I bet
And when he went to the bleak tundra
To catch Arctic hare he used a hare net
YOU CAN LIKEN WOMEN’S BREASTS
You can liken women’s breasts to a
Birthday gift of a train set, for lads
They were originally meant for kids
But who gets to play with them, Dads
I’M NOT A FUSSY EATER AND THERE ISN’T
I’m not a fussy eater and there isn’t
Much I won’t eat out of choice
But I will not eat an oyster because
It’s like licking phlegm off a tortoise
DIVIDE THE CIRCUMFERENCE
Divide the circumference
Of a Pumpkin by
Its diameter, and you
Will get Pumpkin Pi
DON’T THINK EXTRA TERRESTRIAL
Don’t think Extra Terrestrial
When this question begs
What is ET short for?
It’s because he's only got little legs
Cock a doodle do!
The master's lost his fiddlestick?
And I don’t even think
I want to know what that is
ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING TODAY?
Are you wearing anything today?
Well as I’m fond of your body type
If the answer is no, we can hang up
The phone and then we can Skype
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 4
If your blind date is described to you
As “Average looking” then look out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll have a face like a trout
WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 4
We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Chuckie Eggs my dad
Used to call them
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 2
Is there anything more annoying?
Can there ever be any doubt
When you can never get anything
Back in a box the way it came out
DIETING TIP # 8
Regarding the eating of broken biscuits
I think I have a tip that might assuage
Cookie pieces contain no calories as
Breaking them causes calorie leakage
FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 1
Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Are a sickly bunch of cocks
They are itchy and scratchy
And all have the people-pox
MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM LAPLAND
My Grandfather was from Lapland
And he was a the greatest hunter I bet
And when he went to the bleak tundra
To catch Arctic hare he used a hare net
YOU CAN LIKEN WOMEN’S BREASTS
You can liken women’s breasts to a
Birthday gift of a train set, for lads
They were originally meant for kids
But who gets to play with them, Dads
I’M NOT A FUSSY EATER AND THERE ISN’T
I’m not a fussy eater and there isn’t
Much I won’t eat out of choice
But I will not eat an oyster because
It’s like licking phlegm off a tortoise
DIVIDE THE CIRCUMFERENCE
Divide the circumference
Of a Pumpkin by
Its diameter, and you
Will get Pumpkin Pi
DON’T THINK EXTRA TERRESTRIAL
Don’t think Extra Terrestrial
When this question begs
What is ET short for?
It’s because he's only got little legs
A Little Bit Of Humour # 81
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 355
Cock a doodle do!
The maid has lost her shoe,
And that’s not the only thing
She lost in barn
ARE YOU WEARING SKINNY JEANS?
Are you wearing skinny jeans?
They are a very skinny pair
But on those lovely slender legs
What else would you wear?
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 3
If your blind date is described to you
As “Well Educated” the choice is yours
It will probably be worse than it sounds
And means they had sex with all their tutors
WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 3
We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Cackle Berries my dad
Used to call them
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 1
Is there anything more annoying?
Is anything quite as wrong?
As the DJ on the radio
Not telling you who sang the song
SUPERMARKET BLUES # 2
You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
Waiting in line at the supermarket
And the line of People behind you
When as another checkout opens up
They suddenly dash ahead of you
To the newly opened checkout
And you’re at the back of your queue
And all those impatient shoppers
Get served and finished before you
DIETING TIP # 7
This is a sure fire way of slimming down
As dieting tips go it’s an absolute winner
If you make sure you associate with the obese
You will automatically look thinner
FOGHORN LEGHORN HAD A GIRLFRIEND
Foghorn Leghorn had a girlfriend
And her name was feathery Beth
But her feather all pointed the wrong way
And she tickled herself to death
I’M SITTING IN MY STUDY READING
I’m sitting in my study reading
Wearing my dressing gown
It’s a book about anti-gravity
It's impossible to put down
I DON’T LIKE LACE-UP SHOES
I don’t like lace-up shoes
And slip-ons aren’t so hot
That just leaves Velcro
So I figured why knot?
SNOWFLAKES MUST NEVER BE
Snowflakes must never be
Caught in your open mouth
Until you’re sure that all
The birds have flown south
Cock a doodle do!
The maid has lost her shoe,
And that’s not the only thing
She lost in barn
ARE YOU WEARING SKINNY JEANS?
Are you wearing skinny jeans?
They are a very skinny pair
But on those lovely slender legs
What else would you wear?
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 3
If your blind date is described to you
As “Well Educated” the choice is yours
It will probably be worse than it sounds
And means they had sex with all their tutors
WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 3
We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Cackle Berries my dad
Used to call them
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 1
Is there anything more annoying?
Is anything quite as wrong?
As the DJ on the radio
Not telling you who sang the song
SUPERMARKET BLUES # 2
You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
Waiting in line at the supermarket
And the line of People behind you
When as another checkout opens up
They suddenly dash ahead of you
To the newly opened checkout
And you’re at the back of your queue
And all those impatient shoppers
Get served and finished before you
DIETING TIP # 7
This is a sure fire way of slimming down
As dieting tips go it’s an absolute winner
If you make sure you associate with the obese
You will automatically look thinner
FOGHORN LEGHORN HAD A GIRLFRIEND
Foghorn Leghorn had a girlfriend
And her name was feathery Beth
But her feather all pointed the wrong way
And she tickled herself to death
I’M SITTING IN MY STUDY READING
I’m sitting in my study reading
Wearing my dressing gown
It’s a book about anti-gravity
It's impossible to put down
I DON’T LIKE LACE-UP SHOES
I don’t like lace-up shoes
And slip-ons aren’t so hot
That just leaves Velcro
So I figured why knot?
SNOWFLAKES MUST NEVER BE
Snowflakes must never be
Caught in your open mouth
Until you’re sure that all
The birds have flown south
A Little Bit Of Humour # 80
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 354
Bye, baby Bunting,
Daddy’s gone a-hunting,
Well he’s gone to the meat counter
At the local Sainsbury’s
ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY DUST?
Are you wearing fairy dust?
If you’re a fairy it really is a must
But the one thing I cannot tell
Are you the one called Tinkerbelle?
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 2
If your blind date is described to you
As an “Adventurer” then it depends
But it’s probably worse than it sounds
And they’ll have sex with all your friends
WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 2
We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Hen Fruits my dad
Used to call them
POPPY DOUBTED HER HUSBAND’S FIDELITY # 2
Poppy doubted her husband’s fidelity
And confronted him about it in vain
He flat out denied having fooled around
But added it would never happen again
WHAT DO PENSIONERS?
What do pensioners?
Consider long lunches to be?
Perfectly normal I think
At least as far as I can see
AT ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF AGE SHE WAS ASKED
At one hundred years of age she was asked
At her age what thing gave her the most pleasure?
She thought for a moment before she replied
The most satisfying thing was “No peer pressure”
WHY DO YOU LOOK BEMUSED?
Why do you look bemused?
It’s just our point of view
But sometimes we are not
Thinking about you
PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG
Please don’t get me wrong
It’s not that I’m a prude
And under the right circumstances
I quite like being rude
But at the end of the day
I just find Keith Lemon crude
MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR
My wife went to the beauty parlour
And had a mudpack applied
Which improved her appearance
Until it fell off and she cried
THE JURY FOREMAN CLEARLY ANNOUNCED
The jury foreman clearly announced
To the court "Not guilty of robbery"
The defendant asked his solicitor
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"
SUPERMARKET BLUES # 1
You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
And some numpty shopper behind
Runs his trolley into the back of you
Bye, baby Bunting,
Daddy’s gone a-hunting,
Well he’s gone to the meat counter
At the local Sainsbury’s
ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY DUST?
Are you wearing fairy dust?
If you’re a fairy it really is a must
But the one thing I cannot tell
Are you the one called Tinkerbelle?
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 2
If your blind date is described to you
As an “Adventurer” then it depends
But it’s probably worse than it sounds
And they’ll have sex with all your friends
WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 2
We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Hen Fruits my dad
Used to call them
POPPY DOUBTED HER HUSBAND’S FIDELITY # 2
Poppy doubted her husband’s fidelity
And confronted him about it in vain
He flat out denied having fooled around
But added it would never happen again
WHAT DO PENSIONERS?
What do pensioners?
Consider long lunches to be?
Perfectly normal I think
At least as far as I can see
AT ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF AGE SHE WAS ASKED
At one hundred years of age she was asked
At her age what thing gave her the most pleasure?
She thought for a moment before she replied
The most satisfying thing was “No peer pressure”
WHY DO YOU LOOK BEMUSED?
Why do you look bemused?
It’s just our point of view
But sometimes we are not
Thinking about you
PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG
Please don’t get me wrong
It’s not that I’m a prude
And under the right circumstances
I quite like being rude
But at the end of the day
I just find Keith Lemon crude
MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR
My wife went to the beauty parlour
And had a mudpack applied
Which improved her appearance
Until it fell off and she cried
THE JURY FOREMAN CLEARLY ANNOUNCED
The jury foreman clearly announced
To the court "Not guilty of robbery"
The defendant asked his solicitor
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"
SUPERMARKET BLUES # 1
You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
And some numpty shopper behind
Runs his trolley into the back of you
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