A Little Bit Of Humour # 85

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 359

Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Which was unusual to find
A rodent interested
In chronology

ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?

Are you wearing a cape?
A super hero’s shoulder drape
But you’re not a caped crusader
You’re a substitute teacher

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7

If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5

There is nothing that annoys me more
Than the elevator stopping on every floor
No one gets on or off which irks me treble
In fact it’s annoying on more than one level

FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY

Falling in love is like poetry
But when she no longer calls
Don’t start writing her number
On every single toilet wall

THE GENERAL CONSENSUS

The general consensus
Is that it is inappropriate
To spank a child, and rightly so
Therefore with my own children
And grandchildren for that matter
I adopted a different tack
Whenever one of the little darlings
Goes into “meltdown”
I take the unhappy child
For a ride in the car
Where I find it possible to talk to them
Some say it's the cars vibration
Or the rhythm of the vehicle
Or maybe it’s just escaping
The modern day gadgets
Whatever it is I always find
A twenty minute car ride
With them tied to the roof rack
Always does the trick

AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER

An ostrich's eye is bigger
Than its brain, apparently
I have known quite a few
People afflicted similarly

DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS

Don’t compare yourself to others,
Whatever else you might do
Because in all probability
They’re more screwed up than you

MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST

My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist
He pays one hundred pounds a time
And he’s been doing it for bloody years
I think he must be out of his tiny mind

MY YOUNGER SISTER HAS SOME HABITS

My younger sister has some habits
That expose her to certain dangers
One of which is her innate ability
To annoy complete strangers

GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN

George Washington chopped down
His father's favourite cherry tree,
Then George admitted doing it
He was rewarded for his honesty
When his father didn't punish him
Well those are the accepted facts
But I think we should consider
That George was still holding the ax

THE ONLY CUTTING EDGE THAT

The only cutting edge that
Gets sharper through life
The more it’s been used
Is the tongue of my wife

A Little Bit Of Humour # 84

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 358

Hey diddle diddle
Someone’s on the fiddle
It will probably be
Another celebrity
Not paying their tax

WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL

We learned about food groups today at school
Confections, vegetables, meat and protein
Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses and legumes
But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

Are you wearing any?
Beneath your tartan gear
Because if your kilt flares up
There will be a raucous cheer

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 6

If your blind date is described to you
As “a free spirit” you may fancy a frolic
But it will be far worse than it sounds
They’re either a drug addict or an alcoholic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 4

Is there anything more annoying?
Than when checking your tyre pressure
And you're trying to get a reading
Your pressure gauge lets out half the air

FOGHORN LEGHORN DIDN’T LIKE TO GO OUT

Foghorn Leghorn didn’t like to go out
It made his heartbeat quicken
So he wouldn’t even cross the road
Because he was a chicken

OVER CHRISTMAS THE AMBULANCE SERVICE

Over Christmas the ambulance service
Were “super busy”, meaning it was hectic
I’ve never heard that unit of measurement
So I’m not sure if it’s imperial or metric

WHEN WILLIAM JOINED THE ARMY

When William joined the army
He struggled with some of the drill
But the thing he hated the most
Was when they said “fire at will”

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the trick
When life gives you melons
You’re probably dyslexic

WHEN I GO AND PLAY GOLF

When I go and play golf, there
Is something I’ve always done
I take a second pair of Trousers
Just in case I get a hole in one

HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT

Here is an interesting fact
Which should come as no surprise
The inventor of the humble
Door knocker won the No-bell prize

POETRY CAN BE VERY ROMANTIC

Poetry can be very romantic
But it doesn’t work for all
And it doesn’t really count if
You write it on a toilet wall

A Little Bit Of Humour # 83

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 357

Did you ever see a lassie?
A lassie, a lassie?
I’m not sure terms of endearment
Of that kind are strictly PC

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SHIRT?

Are you wearing a denim shirt?
Well if I may be so bold
Whether it’s in fashion or not
You manage to make it look old

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 5

If your blind date is described to you
As “passionate and beautiful” don’t try her
Because in all probability she’ll be
A Sloppy drunk and a pathological liar

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 3

Is there anything more annoying? As when
You want to use a word but can’t spell it
And fail to look it up in the dictionary
Because you don't know how to spell it

DIETING TIP # 9

Things licked off knives and spoons,
Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,
During the process of preparation
Are absolutely devoid of calories

FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 2

Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Have all chosen to assemble
Their very own chicken choir
Which is called a Hensemble

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

I don’t know what to do
About all the sex, nudity,
Foul language and violence
On my DVD

CHOCOLATE BUTTONS

Chocolate buttons have always
Struck me as being rather rude
You may think it strange but
After all they’re Smartie’s in the nude

A COUPLE OF WOMEN

A couple of women
Live next door to me
One is middle-aged
And teaches PE
The other a social worker
In her mid-twenties
They go everywhere together
If you please
And I’ve never seen a man
Either enter or leave
I’m beginning to think
That they might be Lebanese

BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED

Being from an army family I dreaded
Being invited to the officer’s mess
Because I’d have one too many margarita’s
And it always ends in distress

WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION

When I suggested you needed protection
I wasn’t meaning you needed a condom
I was merely wondering if you happened
To have a suitable raincoat to put on

I WAS ALMOST DROWNED

I was almost drowned
Just a few miles from shore
And my life passed before my eyes
God it was a total bore

A Little Bit Of Humour # 82

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 356

Cock a doodle do!
The master's lost his fiddlestick?
And I don’t even think
I want to know what that is

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING TODAY?

Are you wearing anything today?
Well as I’m fond of your body type
If the answer is no, we can hang up
The phone and then we can Skype

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 4

If your blind date is described to you
As “Average looking” then look out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll have a face like a trout

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 4

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Chuckie Eggs my dad
Used to call them

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 2

Is there anything more annoying?
Can there ever be any doubt
When you can never get anything
Back in a box the way it came out

DIETING TIP # 8

Regarding the eating of broken biscuits
I think I have a tip that might assuage
Cookie pieces contain no calories as
Breaking them causes calorie leakage

FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 1

Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Are a sickly bunch of cocks
They are itchy and scratchy
And all have the people-pox

MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM LAPLAND

My Grandfather was from Lapland
And he was a the greatest hunter I bet
And when he went to the bleak tundra
To catch Arctic hare he used a hare net

YOU CAN LIKEN WOMEN’S BREASTS

You can liken women’s breasts to a
Birthday gift of a train set, for lads
They were originally meant for kids
But who gets to play with them, Dads

I’M NOT A FUSSY EATER AND THERE ISN’T

I’m not a fussy eater and there isn’t
Much I won’t eat out of choice
But I will not eat an oyster because
It’s like licking phlegm off a tortoise

DIVIDE THE CIRCUMFERENCE

Divide the circumference
Of a Pumpkin by
Its diameter, and you
Will get Pumpkin Pi

DON’T THINK EXTRA TERRESTRIAL

Don’t think Extra Terrestrial
When this question begs
What is ET short for?
It’s because he's only got little legs

A Little Bit Of Humour # 81

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 355

Cock a doodle do!
The maid has lost her shoe,
And that’s not the only thing
She lost in barn

ARE YOU WEARING SKINNY JEANS?

Are you wearing skinny jeans?
They are a very skinny pair
But on those lovely slender legs
What else would you wear?

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 3

If your blind date is described to you
As “Well Educated” the choice is yours
It will probably be worse than it sounds
And means they had sex with all their tutors

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 3

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Cackle Berries my dad
Used to call them

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 1

Is there anything more annoying?
Is anything quite as wrong?
As the DJ on the radio
Not telling you who sang the song

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 2

You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
Waiting in line at the supermarket
And the line of People behind you
When as another checkout opens up
They suddenly dash ahead of you
To the newly opened checkout
And you’re at the back of your queue
And all those impatient shoppers
Get served and finished before you

DIETING TIP # 7

This is a sure fire way of slimming down
As dieting tips go it’s an absolute winner
If you make sure you associate with the obese
You will automatically look thinner

FOGHORN LEGHORN HAD A GIRLFRIEND

Foghorn Leghorn had a girlfriend
And her name was feathery Beth
But her feather all pointed the wrong way
And she tickled herself to death

I’M SITTING IN MY STUDY READING

I’m sitting in my study reading
Wearing my dressing gown
It’s a book about anti-gravity
It's impossible to put down

I DON’T LIKE LACE-UP SHOES

I don’t like lace-up shoes
And slip-ons aren’t so hot
That just leaves Velcro
So I figured why knot?

SNOWFLAKES MUST NEVER BE

Snowflakes must never be
Caught in your open mouth
Until you’re sure that all
The birds have flown south

A Little Bit Of Humour # 80

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 354

Bye, baby Bunting,
Daddy’s gone a-hunting,
Well he’s gone to the meat counter
At the local Sainsbury’s

ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY DUST?

Are you wearing fairy dust?
If you’re a fairy it really is a must
But the one thing I cannot tell
Are you the one called Tinkerbelle?

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 2

If your blind date is described to you
As an “Adventurer” then it depends
But it’s probably worse than it sounds
And they’ll have sex with all your friends

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 2

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Hen Fruits my dad
Used to call them

POPPY DOUBTED HER HUSBAND’S FIDELITY # 2

Poppy doubted her husband’s fidelity
And confronted him about it in vain
He flat out denied having fooled around
But added it would never happen again

WHAT DO PENSIONERS?

What do pensioners?
Consider long lunches to be?
Perfectly normal I think
At least as far as I can see

AT ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF AGE SHE WAS ASKED

At one hundred years of age she was asked
At her age what thing gave her the most pleasure?
She thought for a moment before she replied
The most satisfying thing was “No peer pressure”

WHY DO YOU LOOK BEMUSED?

Why do you look bemused?
It’s just our point of view
But sometimes we are not
Thinking about you

PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG

Please don’t get me wrong
It’s not that I’m a prude
And under the right circumstances
I quite like being rude
But at the end of the day
I just find Keith Lemon crude
MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR

My wife went to the beauty parlour
And had a mudpack applied
Which improved her appearance
Until it fell off and she cried

THE JURY FOREMAN CLEARLY ANNOUNCED

The jury foreman clearly announced
To the court "Not guilty of robbery"
The defendant asked his solicitor
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 1

You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
And some numpty shopper behind
Runs his trolley into the back of you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 79

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 353

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea
Sailing away consume with glee
To escape the Child Support Agency

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFUSED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a confused expression?
Why is it beyond you comprehension?
That “Yes” and “No” are quite acceptable
Answers to almost every question

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 1

If your blind date is described to you
As “Thoughtful” it’s not the best start
As their thoughtfulness will only extend
To saying "Excuse me" when they fart

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 1

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Boneless chickens
My dad used to call them

POPPY DOUBTED HER HUSBAND’S FIDELITY # 1

Poppy doubted her husband’s fidelity
And always subjected him to a quiz
Afterwards she was left wondering
If the baby she was carrying was his

WHY CAN'T ORPHANS PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't orphans play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

APPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE A CAR

Apple are going to make a car
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iCar
Is going to have Windows

HAVING SEX IN AN ELEVATOR?

Having sex in an elevator?
Those dirty little devils
That kind of behaviour
Is wrong on so many levels

NEW BABIES ARE DELIVERED BY STORK?

New babies are delivered by stork?
Not that old chestnut again
Small babies may arrive by stork
But the big ones need a crane

WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE BATHROOM

When you walk into the bathroom
You’re American
When you walk out of the bathroom
You’re American
But while you are in the bathroom
European

ARE YOU WEARING A SWEATER VEST?

Are you wearing a sweater vest?
Are you doing some kind of test?
Checking how observant people are
And see who notices this faux pas

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 341

Ding, dong, bell,
Pussy’s in the well.
Who put it in?
I did, because
It’s the neighbourhood bully