Thursday, 5 February 2015

A Little Bit Of Humour # 79

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 353

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea
Sailing away consume with glee
To escape the Child Support Agency

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFUSED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a confused expression?
Why is it beyond you comprehension?
That “Yes” and “No” are quite acceptable
Answers to almost every question

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 1

If your blind date is described to you
As “Thoughtful” it’s not the best start
As their thoughtfulness will only extend
To saying "Excuse me" when they fart

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 1

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Boneless chickens
My dad used to call them

POPPY DOUBTED HER HUSBAND’S FIDELITY # 1

Poppy doubted her husband’s fidelity
And always subjected him to a quiz
Afterwards she was left wondering
If the baby she was carrying was his

WHY CAN'T ORPHANS PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't orphans play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

APPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE A CAR

Apple are going to make a car
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iCar
Is going to have Windows

HAVING SEX IN AN ELEVATOR?

Having sex in an elevator?
Those dirty little devils
That kind of behaviour
Is wrong on so many levels

NEW BABIES ARE DELIVERED BY STORK?

New babies are delivered by stork?
Not that old chestnut again
Small babies may arrive by stork
But the big ones need a crane

WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE BATHROOM

When you walk into the bathroom
You’re American
When you walk out of the bathroom
You’re American
But while you are in the bathroom
European

ARE YOU WEARING A SWEATER VEST?

Are you wearing a sweater vest?
Are you doing some kind of test?
Checking how observant people are
And see who notices this faux pas

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 341

Ding, dong, bell,
Pussy’s in the well.
Who put it in?
I did, because
It’s the neighbourhood bully



Saturday, 31 January 2015

Candlemas Weekend

IMBOLC

Imbolc, on February 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Imbolc marks
The beginning of spring
And the end winter.
Celebrated with feasting,
The making of Brighid's crosses,
The holy wells are visited,
And divination begins

SAINT BRIGIT OF KILDARE

Saint Brigit of Kildare
Or Brigid of Ireland
Also known as Mary of the Gael
Is one of Ireland's patron Saints
Along with Patrick and Columba
Her mother was Brocca
A Christian Pict and slave,
Baptised by Saint Patrick
Brigid herself was born into slavery
But it was clear she was holy
An became an early Christian nun
When she became Abbess,
She founded Kildare monastery
The Church of the Oak,
On the site of an old pagan shrine
To the Celtic goddess Brigid

Feast day 1st February


PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL

On Groundhog Day
In Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
Punxsutawney Phil
Incites Groundhog mania
Thousands watch to see
If he will see his shadow
For if he does winter remains
And he goes back below

GROUNDHOG DAY

If it is cloudy when he emerges
Then winter will soon go
But if he finds it sunny
He quickly returns below

ON CANDLEMAS DAY

The winter will not come again
If Candlemas day has cloud or rain
But if the day is bathed in sun
Then the spring hasn’t yet begun

FERSOMMLINGE

Fersommlinge is a feast
Celebrated on Candlemas day
In south-eastern Pennsylvania
In the “Fancy Dutch” way
Where in the Groundhog Lodges
Traditional foods are served
In their typically sociable way
Speeches are made and to entertain
They perform g'spiel skits and plays
But only Pennsylvania Dutch is spoken
So for English there’s a penalty to pay

CALL IT WHAT YOU LIKE

Jour de la Marmotte
As the French Canadians say
Grundsaudaag or Murmeltiertag
Is the Pennsylvania German way
But for the rest of us
We just call it Groundhog Day

Friday, 16 January 2015

True Nature # 5

BEE’S ATTENDED TO THE ROSES

Bee’s attended to the Roses
As Butterflies fluttered by
The great artist mixed his blue
And with it painted the sky
And the sweet scent of lavender
Lingered long on the afternoon air
Should we ask for better?
I don’t think we dare

THE CHAFFINCH

She builds her nest
In the time of spring
And then to find a mate
She must patiently sing

Chaffinch sing your song
So charmingly
From your high branch
Up in the chestnut tree

BABBLING STREAM INTO RIVER

Babbling stream into river
Flows on through the lea
skirting woodland as it winds
On the move constantly
Cutting thru meadow sweet
On its journey to the sea

HERALDING AN APPROACHING STORM

Heralding an approaching storm
Lightening lit the far horizon
As thunder rumbled
Around the valley
Then louder and louder it grew
Closer and closer it came
Until it was overhead

Tales of Love # 19

THE SMILE THAT GRACED

The smile that graced
Her sweet face
Was aimed at me,
And her eyes
Gazed deeply into mine,
With seemingly boundless love
Feelings which I requited
And yet as our hands
Reached out
To hold on to our love
It slipped like quicksilver
Through our needy fingers
And we were torn in two

HE MADE SUCH A HANDSOME OFFICER

She was so proud of him
When she saw him in his uniform
He made such a handsome officer
Like everyone she was caught up
In the patriotic fervour
She wasn’t concerned about the war
“It’ll be over by Christmas” everyone said
He would soon be home again
So she revelled in the beauty
Of her gallant hero
And she waved him off to war
She was so in love
With her officer beau
and that moment lived long
In her memory
It was her last memory of him
For the war wasn’t over by Christmas
And he wasn’t home again

SHE GAVE ME A PRECIOUS THING

She gave me her heart
A precious thing
She said belonged to me
It was beyond priceless
I should have treasured it
Guarded it with my life
But I was a complacent fool
And she took it back
It will never again be mine
And I have shed
A thousand lonely tears
As for her heart I pine

JEZEBEL STRUCK

Jezebel struck
At the heart of their love
With eagles talons
To tear at their bond
But such was their love
Her intrusion failed
As his breast was
Armoured like a knight
And she slinked away

ACROSS THE LONELY VOID

Hands reach out
Across the lonely void
Groping in the darkness
Reaching for love,
Blindly searching
For a kindred spirit
A lottery of chance
Without an angel’s
Tender guidance

WE WALKED ALONG THE SHORE

We walked along the shore
As the sunset was at its death
As the breeze caressed your hair
And I was jealous of its breath

WE SAT COOLLY IN THE SHADE

We sat coolly in the shade
Of a maple tree
enjoying our picnic
And freshly brewed tea
Days of innocence
When our spirits were free
And I proposed and then
You and I became we

THE LAST LONG HOUR OF AUTUMN

It was late autumn,
The season was dying
When she sat at his bedside
Holding his hand
And quietly crying
As she spent that long last hour
Saying her final goodbye

SENT FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE

Sent from the heavens above
An unseen arbiter of love
To help the lovers choose
And with introductions done
The angel ascends

THE BEES ARE BUSY ON THE MOOR

The bees are busy on the moor
Among the purple heather
The birds are on the wing
Enjoying the clement weather
The most perfect place
For we two birds of a feather
But it holds no pleasure
Now we are no longer together

Tales of Love # 18

SHOW ME HOW TO CLOSE THE DISTANCE

Show me how to close the distance
Betwixt me and your heart
What words remain unspoken?
Show me what I should do
I will break no promise
I will leave all vows unbroken
Love is all I have to offer
And a true and honest heart
I won’t treat you as some token
So show me how to close the distance
Betwixt me and your heart

IF ONLY SHE WOULD TURN

If only she would turn
And smile at me,
Then in that moment
I would see
I would know
That she loves me
But she does not turn
She does not smile
So I languish in solitude
And hope that one day
She will turn
And smile at me

THE GENTLE HEART

The gentle heart, that
Once held love for me
Now holds only
An utter Contempt
For I lost my head
For a pretty face
So I lost her love
And now I’m lost

SHE MEANT THE WORLD TO ME

She meant the world to me
But I set her free
Now I watch her passing by
And wonder how and why
I could have let her go
And the truth is, I don’t know

NO OTHER SOUL

No other soul
In the world,
Makes me
Feel so alive
As you
When your love
Touches my heart

FALL INTO MY ARMS

Fall into my arms
My love
And lay with me
I will hold you there
And if my love
You stay with me
I will cover you
With loving kisses
So let me hold you
And caress you
Let our two hearts
Beat as one
And I will forever
Be yours

I HEAR MUSIC ON THE WIND FROM THE SEA

I hear music on the wind from the sea
I see faces in the clouds in the sky
I smell fragrant flowers everywhere I go
And you honey are the reason why

IN THE INTOXICATING CLOUD

Losing yourself
In the intoxicating cloud
Of loves first blush
When passion blinds
All judgement
In an all consuming
Giddying jig
Loves refrain
Plays on during
The Joyful dance
Which comes to an end
With the weaving
Of two souls
Until Both hearts
Beat in unison

THE SEEDS OF LOVE

The Seeds of love move
Wind-blown in the breeze
And settle on fertile ground
To germinate in willing hearts

Tales of Love # 17

I WISH I’D KNOWN

I wish I’d known,
As the door slammed shut
Behind you

That it would be the last time

As I would have said
I love you
Just to remind you

I wish I’d known
We would never have
Another day

That it would be the last time

So when you tried to kiss me
I wouldn’t have looked
The other way

I wish I’d known,
As I watched you sleep
Peacefully beside me

That it would be the last time

So I could have told you
Of the life
Growing inside me

PERFECTION

Their meeting was
Serendipitous
When cupid’s arrow struck
Nothing planned
Simply a case of luck
She ticked all his boxes
In her perfection
And in her eyes
He was flawless
In all things
They were Simpatico
And Romance blossomed
Perfect moonlight
Bathed them
Perfect stars adorned the sky
And a Perfect kiss
Sealed their fate

TEARS BEJEWELLED HER CHEEKS

Tears bejewelled her cheeks
Like lustrous pearls
And her heartfelt sobs shook
The Ribbons from her curls
Those tears and sobs you only hear
From broken hearted girls

I couldn’t ignore the anguished
Sound of her cries
So I lifted up her chin
And wiped the tears from her eyes
Then I held her in my arms
As her sobs turned to sighs

And when I looked at her
Tearstained face I could see
A girl as fragile as a butterfly
A thing of infinite beauty
And when she smiled
It was like a sunset on the sea

A SOUND LIKE HEAVEN

A sound like heaven
Sits softly on the ear
Every honey coated word
Is a sweet souvenir
The joy of her touch
On my skin still lingers
From her Porcelain hands
And delicate fingers
Delicately scented
Like an exotic Rose
Still vividly resides
In the appreciative nose
And the sight of her
Consummate beauty
Will occupy my dreams
For all eternity

SEASONED

When we were young
We began wandering aimlessly
Through leafy woodland.
We began when there were only
The early buds of spring
Wandering on through
The dappled shade of summer
And its comforting warmth
Onward then to the fall
With its crimson hues
Now we embark beyond
The crunch of autumns leaves
Into the cold metaphor
Of winters landscape
We still have each other
But we also have uncertainty
How much winter will we see?

AFFAIR OF THE HEART

Her heart once full of love
Now harbours only sorrow
The love once ablaze
Is just a guttering candle
Her heart was won
With a poets words
And flowers of romance
Fragrant and sweet scented
The words are but hollow echoes
And the vibrant flowers
Are withered and odourless
Now as the tears come
Her only memories are
Of false promises
And deceitful words

BLEEDING HEART

Her heart aches
With the pain of a faded love
Teardrops stain her cheeks
But cannot salve her sorrow
While his heart is elsewhere
Hers dies in her breast

LOVELORN LANE

Heart fluttering,
Stomach churning,
In anticipation
As she enters the lane
Expectation heightens
As she proceeds
Closer with each step
Towards the moment,
The anticipated moment
When he comes into view
Every day it happened
In the leafy lane
They would pass
They would look
They would smile
Then she would anticipate
The next day’s encounter

ALL THE RICHES

He brings her luxuries
From distant shores
Designer gowns,
Lingerie of silk and lace
Handmade shoes
The rarest orchids,
Precious gem stones.
Lustrous Pearls
Exquisite golden baubles
Watches, bracelets, rings
He gave her everything
He thought her heart desired
Except the one thing she craved
His unconditional love

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

A Little Bit Of Humour # 78

DIETING TIP # 6

Foods and drinks used
For their medicinal qualities
Such as hot chocolate or brandy
Have no calorie’s

ON ST PATRICK’S DAY

On St Patrick’s Day
You know an Irish rover
Has had enough to drink
When they’re Dublin over

OUR TEAM CAPTAIN TOOK TO THE FIELD

Our team captain took to the field
Carrying a piece of rope and the ball
Unconventional you might think
But he is the skipper after all

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HEDGEHOGS

I have a problem with Hedgehogs
I know it’s a strange thing to allege
I just find it hard to understand
Why they can’t just share the hedge?

I USED TO START AN AWFUL LOT OF FIGHTS

I used to start an awful lot of fights
When I was at school, I was a bully
But I had attention deficit disorder
So I didn’t finish them thankfully

WAS ANDREW MITCHELL RIGHT?

Was Andrew Mitchell right?
Are policemen a bit plebby,
According to a survey
It would appear they enjoy Typhoo tea,
Because of the adverts
Most of them live in new-build semis
Furnished by DFS or IKEA
They watch The One Show
And think it’s the news
Their diet consists of Pot Noodles
Cook in sauces or instant mash
They shop from the catalogues
Their favourite comedian is Jim Davidson
Entertainment is a 60-inch telly
Mr Policeman drinks Heineken
While his partner favours Lambrini
And Despite the Andrew Mitchell libel case
They will still vote Conservative
Because they think Mitchel’s a Tory
And they don’t realise it’s the same thing

MY WIFE AND I ARE FORTUNE TELLERS

My wife and I are fortune tellers
We met at our local dance hall
It was a night to remember and
We fell in love at the crystal ball

IN WHAT STATE OF DRESS

In what State of dress
Was she? please tell me
What did Delaware?
Was it her New Jersey?

TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS EMBLEM

Tottenham Hotspurs emblem
Is a cockerel that the fans don
And as the emblem is a bird
The supporters egg them on

ALL THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD

All the Rabbits in the field
Backed away from Farmer Kline
This strange phenomenon
Is known as a receding hareline

YOU CAN DRINK GREEN BEER

You can drink green beer
On any St Patricks Day
It counts as a vegetable
And one of your five a day

THERE REALLY IS NO TRICK TO IT

There really is no trick to it
The easiest way with no catch
To light up a football stadium
Is with a football match

MANCHESTER UNITED’S UNDERGROUND HEATING

Manchester United’s underground
Heating hasn’t been restored
So they’re planning to rename
The stadium Cold Trafford

BOFFINS ARE NOT THE SPORTY TYPE

Boffins are not the sporty type
But even a physicist called Bryan
Knows that he must exercise
Which he does by pumping ion

AS A MULTI SPORTS CLUB GRASSHOPPER

As a multi sports club Grasshopper
Club Zürich are just the ticket
They play a large number of sports
Though funnily enough Not Cricket