IT'S NATURAL TO BECOME QUIETER AS WE AGE
It's natural to become quieter as we age
It’s just another old age sin
It’s not easy to talk at the same time
As holding your stomach in
BIRTHDAY TELEGRAM
Bad news, Her Majesty isn't sending you
A telegram this year, but don’t despair
There is nothing to be concerned about
She's happy to know you're halfway there
SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM, 2014
The Scottish Nationalists
Want to go for independence
Which is their prerogative
I am filled with indifference
Go or stay I don’t care
Its Scotland’s decision
As long as it’s a well informed
Choice for the division
But dear Alex Salmond
Is one of the arrogant asses
Views everything English
Thru Tartan tinted glasses
Thursday 18 September 2014.
THE CILLIT BANG GUY
The Cillit Bang guy is
Punting it out here and there
So is Barry Scott now
A soap scum millionaire
THE GIRL WAS PIGEON CHESTED
The girl was pigeon chested
Which wasn't obvious to begin
But once I got her bra off
Both her nipples pointed in
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS
Chocolate coated raisins
I found out today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day
COUGHS AND SNEEZES
Coughs and sneezes
Spread diseases
Colds and flu
And nasty wheezes
So protect against
Coughs and sneezes
There is one thing
That helps and eases
Have a smoke
To help the wheezes
Choose any brand
Pick one that pleases
So do not fear
Coughs and sneezes
Because smoking stops
Them spreading diseases
It’s alright I haven’t gone mad I was prompted to right this by Bee, who pointed out how strange it was how perceptions of things change over time.
For example Cigarettes were marketed in the 19th century as a cure for amongst other things Asthma and Catarrh.
Now we no different
I KNOW THAT YOU’RE REALLY OLD
I know that you’re really old
But your aging appears static
Which means you must have
A portrait hanging in the attic
JOHN BERCOW
John Bercow has
Got on his high horse
Regarding height-ism
Well I say high horse
I LOVE FOOT PUMPS
I love foot pumps
I think they are really neat
And are particularly good
If you have flat feet
YOU HAVE MADE IT TO THIRTY
You have made it to thirty
And I would just like to say
I have no words of comfort
It IS downhill all the way
YOU ARE 50 YEARS OLD
You are 50 years old
And if I may be so bold
Despite what you were told
The emphasis is on the old
GOOD BYE SCOTLAND GOODBYE
Good Bye Scotland goodbye
Good bye Scotland don't cry
That little Nationalist train
that makes me
Quite happy, no words can tell how glad it makes me
Go now Scotland and then,
We’ll wave goodbye once again.
Hear us all cheer
Without a tear
And if it all goes wrong don’t come back in a year
Good Bye Scotland goodbye.
Good bye Scotland don't cry.
Sung to the tune of Toot Toot Tootsie
THE CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY’S
The Chocolate Strawberry’s
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
May definitely be included
Thursday, 4 September 2014
Football Focus
BRAZIL
The Brazil of old
Used to be a team of flow
A samba side with flare
Pass and move, give and go
The modern Brazil
Though, are a team of guile
Deceit and cunning
Replacing the cavalier style
The Twenty fourteen Brazil
Are a team of moments
But if they fail in them
They fail in tournament’s
BRAZIL 1970
The Brazil side was
The best I’ve ever seen
They were the best
Team that’s ever been
Pele, Rivelino and
Jairzinho, Holy Trinity
Of the Champions
In Nineteen seventy
THE MAGYARS CAME TO PLAY
In nineteen fifty three
The Magyars came to play
Bamboozling Billy Wright
The Beckham of his day
When Puskás dragged back
He made Billy Wright esquire
Look like a fire engine
Heading towards the wrong fire
On 25 November 1953, at Wembley Stadium
England 3 Hungary, Ferenc Puskás scored twice
BRAZIL ARE OUT - 2014
Brazil are out
But nobody figured
They’d be well
And truly Müllered
ARGENTINA V HOLLAND – BRAZIL 2014
At last the surprises are over
Forget what has gone before
We got a proper semi final
A complete and utter bore
WORLD CUP FINAL 2014
In big games teams are too afraid
To lose, which is a sin
So just throw caution to the wind
And go for the win
The Brazil of old
Used to be a team of flow
A samba side with flare
Pass and move, give and go
The modern Brazil
Though, are a team of guile
Deceit and cunning
Replacing the cavalier style
The Twenty fourteen Brazil
Are a team of moments
But if they fail in them
They fail in tournament’s
BRAZIL 1970
The Brazil side was
The best I’ve ever seen
They were the best
Team that’s ever been
Pele, Rivelino and
Jairzinho, Holy Trinity
Of the Champions
In Nineteen seventy
THE MAGYARS CAME TO PLAY
In nineteen fifty three
The Magyars came to play
Bamboozling Billy Wright
The Beckham of his day
When Puskás dragged back
He made Billy Wright esquire
Look like a fire engine
Heading towards the wrong fire
On 25 November 1953, at Wembley Stadium
England 3 Hungary, Ferenc Puskás scored twice
BRAZIL ARE OUT - 2014
Brazil are out
But nobody figured
They’d be well
And truly Müllered
ARGENTINA V HOLLAND – BRAZIL 2014
At last the surprises are over
Forget what has gone before
We got a proper semi final
A complete and utter bore
WORLD CUP FINAL 2014
In big games teams are too afraid
To lose, which is a sin
So just throw caution to the wind
And go for the win
Lifes Infinate Variety
AS IVAN ILLICH ONCE WROTE
As Ivan Illich once wrote,
A man clearly cleverer than me
Who stated that within
A consumer society
There are inevitably
Two kinds of slaves
The prisoners of addiction
And the prisoners of envy
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE NEEDLES
The needles lie half submerged
Like bleached skeletal vertebrae
Of a long dead sunken beast
That once basked in Alum bay
AS I'VE GROWN OLDER
As I've grown older
I don't question
Myself anymore
I’ve learned to accept
Things about me,
My own shortcomings,
I’ve forgiven myself
I don’t second guess
Or criticise
I even like myself
Like a friend
I’VE LOST TOO MANY
I’ve lost too many
Nearest and dearest
Friends and families
I’ve watched as they
Left this world
One by one.
Each one gone too soon
Before they came to terms
With themselves
As I have done
And felt as free as I
SHE KNOWS NO OTHER COMPANY
She knows no other company
Than her own,
Her only friends
Are heroes and heroines
Of the classic tales
Or message boards
And chat rooms
She never sleeps
And spends her time
Dancing to the old tunes
And weeping over lost love
WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was young
I was self-conscious
Walking on the beach
With my shirt off
Now I walk
To the water’s edge
With my abused body
Bulging over my speedos
And I go slowly and deliberately
To the waves
In an act of defiance
And I feel great
As Ivan Illich once wrote,
A man clearly cleverer than me
Who stated that within
A consumer society
There are inevitably
Two kinds of slaves
The prisoners of addiction
And the prisoners of envy
MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES
Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years
THE NEEDLES
The needles lie half submerged
Like bleached skeletal vertebrae
Of a long dead sunken beast
That once basked in Alum bay
AS I'VE GROWN OLDER
As I've grown older
I don't question
Myself anymore
I’ve learned to accept
Things about me,
My own shortcomings,
I’ve forgiven myself
I don’t second guess
Or criticise
I even like myself
Like a friend
I’VE LOST TOO MANY
I’ve lost too many
Nearest and dearest
Friends and families
I’ve watched as they
Left this world
One by one.
Each one gone too soon
Before they came to terms
With themselves
As I have done
And felt as free as I
SHE KNOWS NO OTHER COMPANY
She knows no other company
Than her own,
Her only friends
Are heroes and heroines
Of the classic tales
Or message boards
And chat rooms
She never sleeps
And spends her time
Dancing to the old tunes
And weeping over lost love
WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was young
I was self-conscious
Walking on the beach
With my shirt off
Now I walk
To the water’s edge
With my abused body
Bulging over my speedos
And I go slowly and deliberately
To the waves
In an act of defiance
And I feel great
Facets Of War
THE OLD SOLDIER
I don’t bitch and moan
About growing old
To me it’s a privilege
One which was denied to so many
My fallen pals
And the countless foe
Those who never left
The bloody field
Or succumbed to their wounds
Never to return
To a sweethearts arms
Or to sit beside the home fire
So I bare the pains of age
With stoicism
And thank all that’s holy
For my long life
And the fruits of longevity
And keep the memory
In my heart for all the fallen youth
Until I re-join them
INTO THE LANDING CRAFT
As he climbed
Into the landing craft
He was afraid
But not of death
Or of injury
But of fear itself
A paralysing fear
Rendering him inert
Leaving him unable
To do his duty
But above all else
His greatest fear
Was that he would
Let down his lads
PACIFISM IS A NOBLE IDEAL
Pacifism is a noble ideal
A heartfelt principle
Yet when the foul poison
Of the Nazi doctrines
Leached into the world
An internal struggle began
Was the cause to defeat fascism
Greater than pacifist principles
Many took the position
War was the lesser of two evils
But not a decision taken lightly
I don’t bitch and moan
About growing old
To me it’s a privilege
One which was denied to so many
My fallen pals
And the countless foe
Those who never left
The bloody field
Or succumbed to their wounds
Never to return
To a sweethearts arms
Or to sit beside the home fire
So I bare the pains of age
With stoicism
And thank all that’s holy
For my long life
And the fruits of longevity
And keep the memory
In my heart for all the fallen youth
Until I re-join them
INTO THE LANDING CRAFT
As he climbed
Into the landing craft
He was afraid
But not of death
Or of injury
But of fear itself
A paralysing fear
Rendering him inert
Leaving him unable
To do his duty
But above all else
His greatest fear
Was that he would
Let down his lads
PACIFISM IS A NOBLE IDEAL
Pacifism is a noble ideal
A heartfelt principle
Yet when the foul poison
Of the Nazi doctrines
Leached into the world
An internal struggle began
Was the cause to defeat fascism
Greater than pacifist principles
Many took the position
War was the lesser of two evils
But not a decision taken lightly
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 66
I DON’T THINK OF YOU AS OLD
I don’t think of you as old
And what I say to everybody
Is you're just a young girl
Trapped in an old ladies body
YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL
You should be more careful
I’ve told you before
Sitting in candlelight
Makes you look like Skeletor
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 2
Don’t be scared of being Forty
Meet the milestone with defiance
You’re no really forty, but eighteen
With twenty two years of experience!
THE PROBLEM WITH LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE
The problem with lying about your age
It’s not the deception you deplore
It’s when they all believe you and
You regret not knocking off some more
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 2
At the age of fifty you're officially
Over the hill, but worse than that
You are partway down the other side
Sorry if that leaves you flat
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 3
Happy fiftieth birthday
I’m sorry but it has to be said
If they were dog years
You’d already be dead
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS A BIT OF A LAD
When I was young I was a bit of a lad
But now life has caught up with me
It used to be wine, women and song
Now it's beer, the old lady and TV
WHY IS IT WHEN TWO PEOPLE MARRY?
Why is it when two people marry?
It is predestined for him
To never remember birthdays
And for her to never forget them
THE BEST YEARS OF A WOMAN'S LIFE
The best years of a woman's life
Are the ones she feels naughty
And it’s those ten special years
Between thirty nine and forty
MILESTONE 60 # 3
I know it’s a big one
But remember this please
Age really isn't important
Unless you are cheese
I’M QUITE A PHILOSOPHICAL PERSON
I’m quite a philosophical person
So I don’t get phased and accept what life gives
So I think Birthdays are good for you;
Because the more you have the longer you live
DON’T FRET ABOUT GETTING OLD
Don’t fret about getting old
Be philosophical instead
Age is really just a number
Old is only in your head
I GOT A DUAL PURPOSE BIRTHDAY CARD
I got a dual purpose birthday card
The intention was well meant
For a person of your advancing years
With its very high fibre content
WELL YOU’VE REACHED AN AGE
Well you’ve reached an age
So have a happy birthday
So now really spoil yourself
And take two naps today
THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARNING
Think about global warning
When you look at your cake
Lighting all those candles
Would be a very big mistake
I don’t think of you as old
And what I say to everybody
Is you're just a young girl
Trapped in an old ladies body
YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL
You should be more careful
I’ve told you before
Sitting in candlelight
Makes you look like Skeletor
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 2
Don’t be scared of being Forty
Meet the milestone with defiance
You’re no really forty, but eighteen
With twenty two years of experience!
THE PROBLEM WITH LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE
The problem with lying about your age
It’s not the deception you deplore
It’s when they all believe you and
You regret not knocking off some more
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 2
At the age of fifty you're officially
Over the hill, but worse than that
You are partway down the other side
Sorry if that leaves you flat
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 3
Happy fiftieth birthday
I’m sorry but it has to be said
If they were dog years
You’d already be dead
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS A BIT OF A LAD
When I was young I was a bit of a lad
But now life has caught up with me
It used to be wine, women and song
Now it's beer, the old lady and TV
WHY IS IT WHEN TWO PEOPLE MARRY?
Why is it when two people marry?
It is predestined for him
To never remember birthdays
And for her to never forget them
THE BEST YEARS OF A WOMAN'S LIFE
The best years of a woman's life
Are the ones she feels naughty
And it’s those ten special years
Between thirty nine and forty
MILESTONE 60 # 3
I know it’s a big one
But remember this please
Age really isn't important
Unless you are cheese
I’M QUITE A PHILOSOPHICAL PERSON
I’m quite a philosophical person
So I don’t get phased and accept what life gives
So I think Birthdays are good for you;
Because the more you have the longer you live
DON’T FRET ABOUT GETTING OLD
Don’t fret about getting old
Be philosophical instead
Age is really just a number
Old is only in your head
I GOT A DUAL PURPOSE BIRTHDAY CARD
I got a dual purpose birthday card
The intention was well meant
For a person of your advancing years
With its very high fibre content
WELL YOU’VE REACHED AN AGE
Well you’ve reached an age
So have a happy birthday
So now really spoil yourself
And take two naps today
THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARNING
Think about global warning
When you look at your cake
Lighting all those candles
Would be a very big mistake
A Little Bit Of Humour # 65
STAR STRUCK
A contagion struck down
Quentin Tarantino
Now he’s in the hospital
In a tent in quarantino
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH
Forty is the old age of youth
Which all sounds very sage
Whereas after another decade
Fifty is the youth of old age
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1
You may be 50
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
It’s not as if overnight
You’ve lost your get up and go
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
It is a big number though
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1
You may be 40
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly
Or ache from head to toe
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You do look old though
OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OLD
Of course you're not old
Stop making a fuss
You’ve just been young
Longer than most of us.
MILESTONE 60 # 1
You may be 60
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
Think of it as ripening
Don't think of it as a blow,
You won't suddenly look haggard
That happened long ago
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You are an age though
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Would you like a home cooked meal?
And perhaps a good bottle of wine?
Good I phoned your mother
She said tomorrow at hers is fine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 1
Happy Birthday, mother dear
May all your wishes come true this year
Apart from the one I will not grant
That one that involves me being pregnant
ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR BY ALL MEANS
Enjoy your birthday this year by all means
Don’t do anything embarrassing at the do
After all you don't have quite as much time
Left to live this one down as you used to.
YES OF COURSE YOU'RE TWENTY NINE
Yes of course you're twenty nine
It’s so totally believable
With me being twenty three
I am naturally a little gullible.
I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY
I heard on the grapevine that your birthday
Was cancelled due to lack of aging!
But now I give you a closer look
I can see that they were exaggerating
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 2
Happy birthday, mother dear
But your dreams won’t come true I fear
The one about the ten grandchildren
I’m gay and I thought I’d made that clear
I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY
I understand that getting old today
Can be quite scary, at first anyway
But what's it like now would you say?
MILESTONE 60 # 2
Ok I have to admit it, it’s only fair
I do tend to fall asleep in the chair
But my snoring is really not that bad
Just wait until you’re old like your dad
A contagion struck down
Quentin Tarantino
Now he’s in the hospital
In a tent in quarantino
IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME
If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills
FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH
Forty is the old age of youth
Which all sounds very sage
Whereas after another decade
Fifty is the youth of old age
THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1
You may be 50
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
It’s not as if overnight
You’ve lost your get up and go
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
It is a big number though
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1
You may be 40
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly
Or ache from head to toe
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You do look old though
OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OLD
Of course you're not old
Stop making a fuss
You’ve just been young
Longer than most of us.
MILESTONE 60 # 1
You may be 60
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
Think of it as ripening
Don't think of it as a blow,
You won't suddenly look haggard
That happened long ago
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You are an age though
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Would you like a home cooked meal?
And perhaps a good bottle of wine?
Good I phoned your mother
She said tomorrow at hers is fine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 1
Happy Birthday, mother dear
May all your wishes come true this year
Apart from the one I will not grant
That one that involves me being pregnant
ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR BY ALL MEANS
Enjoy your birthday this year by all means
Don’t do anything embarrassing at the do
After all you don't have quite as much time
Left to live this one down as you used to.
YES OF COURSE YOU'RE TWENTY NINE
Yes of course you're twenty nine
It’s so totally believable
With me being twenty three
I am naturally a little gullible.
I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY
I heard on the grapevine that your birthday
Was cancelled due to lack of aging!
But now I give you a closer look
I can see that they were exaggerating
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 2
Happy birthday, mother dear
But your dreams won’t come true I fear
The one about the ten grandchildren
I’m gay and I thought I’d made that clear
I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY
I understand that getting old today
Can be quite scary, at first anyway
But what's it like now would you say?
MILESTONE 60 # 2
Ok I have to admit it, it’s only fair
I do tend to fall asleep in the chair
But my snoring is really not that bad
Just wait until you’re old like your dad
A Little Bit Of Humour # 64
THE LATEST FOOD SCANDAL
The latest food scandal
Has been the subject of scorn
When Veggie burgers were
Found to contain uni quorn
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 17
I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me glum
For example
Hamburgers = Shergars Bum
IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY
“In which direction will the sun rise today?”
At first her question was met with silence
But he explained it always rose in the east
She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”
MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT
My girlfriend got sunburnt
I asked why she didn’t use lotion
She thought she was safe
If her convertible was in motion
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329
Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be extremely embarrassed
By what you find the other two doing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330
If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 331
Needles and pins
Needles and pins
When a man marries
His life begins.
Buttons and bows
Buttons and bows
When she marries
Her workload grows
ARE YOU WEARING A CONTROL BODY?
Are you wearing a control body?
It’s shaped you very well clearly
But what I want to know is
What shape are you really?
PICKUP # 13
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Well Baby I don’t mind saying
The way you wear that frock,
That I'm no Fred Flintstone,
But I could make your Bedrock!”
PICKUP # 14
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey honey I can tell straight away
You’re from Tennessee?
And I know that because
You’re the only ten I see!”
SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH
Since the financial crash, strict conditions
Must be met before a mortgage is allowed
And some form of insurance is required
And men should be well endowed
I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH
I would like to shatter a popular myth
If anyone out there actually cares
It’s in regard to steroids which
Don’t secure the carpet on the stairs
I WAS TOLD ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION WAS
I was told artificial insemination was
When the farmer gave Toro a bit of a pull
Before he does it to the cow instead
But I’m sure that that has to be bull
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF
Contrary to popular belief
In the USA it needs to be said
That a Turbine, is not
What an Arab wears on his head
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
The latest food scandal
Has been the subject of scorn
When Veggie burgers were
Found to contain uni quorn
I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 17
I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me glum
For example
Hamburgers = Shergars Bum
IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY
“In which direction will the sun rise today?”
At first her question was met with silence
But he explained it always rose in the east
She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”
MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT
My girlfriend got sunburnt
I asked why she didn’t use lotion
She thought she was safe
If her convertible was in motion
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329
Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be extremely embarrassed
By what you find the other two doing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330
If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 331
Needles and pins
Needles and pins
When a man marries
His life begins.
Buttons and bows
Buttons and bows
When she marries
Her workload grows
ARE YOU WEARING A CONTROL BODY?
Are you wearing a control body?
It’s shaped you very well clearly
But what I want to know is
What shape are you really?
PICKUP # 13
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Well Baby I don’t mind saying
The way you wear that frock,
That I'm no Fred Flintstone,
But I could make your Bedrock!”
PICKUP # 14
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey honey I can tell straight away
You’re from Tennessee?
And I know that because
You’re the only ten I see!”
SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH
Since the financial crash, strict conditions
Must be met before a mortgage is allowed
And some form of insurance is required
And men should be well endowed
I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH
I would like to shatter a popular myth
If anyone out there actually cares
It’s in regard to steroids which
Don’t secure the carpet on the stairs
I WAS TOLD ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION WAS
I was told artificial insemination was
When the farmer gave Toro a bit of a pull
Before he does it to the cow instead
But I’m sure that that has to be bull
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF
Contrary to popular belief
In the USA it needs to be said
That a Turbine, is not
What an Arab wears on his head
TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS
I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while
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