A Little Bit Of Humour # 53

ARE YOU WEARING A MAGICIAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a magician’s hat?
Are you in the magic circle sphere?
But I have been wondering why
You made your clothes disappear

ARE YOU WEARING DANCING PUMPS?

Are you wearing dancing pumps?
Just like the great Darcy Bussle
But with your unusual body shape
Take care you don’t pull a muscle

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 2

Are you wearing a corsage?
On your elegant wrist
As you stand in the moonlight
And are sweetly kissed

ARE YOU WEARING AN ORCHID?

Are you wearing an orchid?
What a beautiful creation
Almost as beautiful as you
I would say without hesitation

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSEBUD?

Are you wearing a rosebud?
All delicate and pink
You’re allergic to flowers?
In which case I think
A wardrobe malfunction
Has revealed something pink

ARE YOU WEARING A BALL GOWN?

Are you wearing a ball gown?
And its a designer one too
Well you’re a bit over dressed
For feeding time at the zoo

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?

Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?

Are you wearing fishnets?
I’m glad they’re back in vogue
It’s the simple things in life
That appeal to this old rogue

ARE YOU WEARING A BABY DOLL DRESS?

Are you wearing a baby doll dress?
Well I don’t want to cause any distress
But are you sure that look is alright
When you’ve got that much cellulite

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER?

Are you wearing patent leather?
Well at least it will never weather
But I would have to say honesty
On you it looks like PVC

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE PAINTED TOE NAILS?

Are you wearing false painted toe nails?
No I don’t think that they look sweet
And I think it’s a waste of money
Simple because you have Shrek feet

ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARB?

Are you wearing sexy garb?
Well bless your heart I’m glad
But you wasted your time
Trying to look sexy is mad
You were sexy already, there
Was nothing you had to add

ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?

Are you wearing seductive garb?
Well I have to admire you style
But in order to seduce me
You need only wear a smile

ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?

Are you wearing provocative garb?
Well you might well cause some disquiet
But you are not really achieving you aim
But you might well provoke a riot

ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?

Are you wearing sexual garb?
Well I can only offer you this barb
Wearing a codpiece and a condom
Is not going to turn anyone on

ARE YOU WEARING SLUTTY GARB?

Are you wearing slutty garb?
And are you trying to talk smut
Well I admire your endeavour, but
You’re wearing too much for a slut

A Little Bit Of Humour # 52

ARE YOU WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT?

Are you wearing a football shirt?
I like lady footballers for my sins
My only regret in your regard
Is you choose shirts instead of skins

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTMALL SOCKS?

Are you wearing football socks?
Well yes you’ve got the right team
But you have forgotten to wear
The rest of the kit it would seem

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 323

Higgledy Piggledy
My pet hen
Has shat all over
The carpet again

ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY KNEES?

“Are you looking at my knees?”
She asked me right out flat
I just looked at her coyly
And said “No I’m above that”

ARE YOU WEARING BREEKS?

Are you wearing breeks?
And very fetching they are Hen
And now if you wouldn’t mind
Can you take them off again?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 324

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To where the Vodka was stashed
And on the quiet moonlit hill
The two of them got smashed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 325

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them
But we all know that Greek Giorgio
Has already Kebabed them

ARE YOU WEARING A DISGUISE?

Are you wearing a disguise?
I think that’s probably wise
For to risk discovery is rash
For special agent Dick Splash

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A GIGGLE?

Are you wearing that for a giggle?
And I love your sense of humour
And I you have a good one too
Despite the contrary rumour

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 326

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a geezer
Who stood right behind her
And gave her a goose whey hey

ARE YOU WEARING A TRICORN HAT?

Are you wearing a tricorn hat?
It looks quite comfortable
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re John Bull

ARE YOU WEARING A BICORN HAT?

Are you wearing a bicorn hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Wellington

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 327

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch the poor dog a bone
Then she remembered
She didn’t have a dog

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKED HAT?

Are you wearing a cocked hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Napolean

ARE YOU WEARING A WIZARD’S HAT?

Are you wearing a wizard’s hat?
Just like they do at Hogwarts
But it’s not really appropriate
For when you’re playing sports

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 328

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Its two and a half p now
But that doesn’t rhyme

A Little Bit Of Humour # 51

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 1

Are you wearing a corsage?
On your ample rounded breast
What a beautiful creation
I like the little rose bud best

SNOW NOTSO-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DIRTY DWARFS

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go
We all have ways to relax at night
Cokey snorts some Snow White
Creepy likes flashing in the park
Sleezy self abuses in the dark
Gropey likes trains in rush hour
Humpy pays for girls by the hour
Lustful hangs around at the docks
And Prof comes home with the pox

SALT AND SHAKE

When I was a kid all crisps were plain
But we didn’t care about that a jot
After all we still had the choice
Of whether to put the salt on or not

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 319

Mary had a little bra
Which wasn’t really fair
Because like her mother
She had a massive pair

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DAY WEEK

On Monday Snow White feels Sneezy
On Tuesday she’s feeling grumpy
By Wednesday she feels Dopey
And On Thursday she’s feeling Bashful
On Friday Snow White feels Happy
And On Saturday she feels Sleepy
But on Sunday when she wants a rest
Then Doc gets inside her vest

ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER EYE LASHES?

Are you wearing glitter eye lashes?
It’s a very interesting look
Not enough people make themselves
Appear ridiculous in my book

ARE YOU WEARING A CHEST WIG?

Are you wearing a chest wig?
Did you get it off a yeti?
He must be cold without it
But it does suit you Betty

WE USED TO EAT A LOT OF RICE

We used to eat a lot of rice
When I was a boy, no kidding
But never for our dinner, we had it
With condensed milk for pudding

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 320

Mary had some little drawers
Which always struck me dumb
Because like her mother
She had a massive bum

ARE YOU WEARING A SLEEPSUIT?

Are you wearing a sleepsuit?
Well on a baby it looks cute
Even on my girlfriend it can
But not on a fifty year old man

ARE YOU WEARING PJ’S?

Are you wearing PJ’s?
Well all I can say is phwor
Betty Boop is my favourite
And I’ve never wanted you more

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 321

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Unlike all her mates
Who had theirs waxed

ARE YOU WEARING A REPLICA SHIRT?

Are you wearing a replica shirt?
So what team is it you support?
I don’t recognise the badge
Who the hell are Southport?

ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL BOOTS?

Are you wearing football boots?
Well I can see you’re ready to play
I have just one small criticism
Namely we’re playing golf today

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 322

It’s raining its pouring
The weather’s wet and stormy
I went to bed because they said
It’s due to global warming

A Little Bit Of Humour # 50

ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?

Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?
I’m almost certain there should be two
What happened to the other one?
Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?

PIZZA FAME

When my Dad was just a boy
He had never heard of pizza
But he thought it was famed
For having a leaning tower

YOU CAN STOP MILK TURNING SOUR

You can stop milk turning sour
And I can tell you how
There is one sure fire way
And that’s to keep it in the cow

I WAS ABSOLUTELY GUTTED WHEN I FOUND

I was absolutely gutted when I found
My wife was having an affair
A friend Mo, said turn to religion
And she can be stoned in the town square

GET A PENIS ENLARGER

“Get a penis enlarger”
My wife once said to me
So I found myself
Twenty year old Kelly

JOHN WAS THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL

John was thrown out of school
Because a girl played with his nob
That’s the third school in a year
He won’t easily find another job

WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, A WOMAN

When times are hard, a woman
Must resort to sexual intimacies
Due to the high cost of living
She can’t afford the batteries

DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE IN WOKING

Due to a water shortage in Woking
The Council has issued an edict
And the swimming pools response
Is to close lanes four, five and six

HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Well we don’t exactly work at night
We just Pimp out Snow White

JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC

Just a tantalising hint of the exotic
Beneath the hem of your skirt
I’m interested in whatever it is
It’s quite driving me berserk

Can you give me the slightest hint?
Or be upfront I really don’t mind
I won’t be embarrassed at all
I love underwear of any kind

The garment into which you slipped
If it’s an under slip, something of that kind
If you were to slip yourself out of it
If you felt so inclined I wouldn’t mind

YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED

You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures

HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH

His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centered around
Getting into her shorts
And when the act was culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t the only one
With dirty thoughts

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY EX WIFE

I tried to explain to my ex wife
The basic premise of reincarnation
Which is that when you die you get
To return as part of God’s creation
But, you come back as a different creature
After a moment’s thought she said
“I want to come back as a cow “
The concept had clearly gone over her head

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 318

Three each day
Seven days a week
Ruddy Apple
Ruddy Cheek
Hardly a varied diet
Is it?


ARE YOU WEARING CORDUROY?

Are you wearing corduroy?
Oh you twenty-first century boy
You’re dressed as teacher would be
If he lived in nineteen seventy

A Little Bit Of Humour # 49

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR FUN?

Are you wearing it for fun?
Well that a very funny one
But what’s even funnier
Is that your flies are undone

TAKEAWAYS

When my Dad was just a boy
They didn’t have takeaways
Except in maths which were
Called subtraction in olden days

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 317

Jack Spratt ate not fat
His wife would eat no lean
So she is clinically obese
And he looks like a bean

ARE YOU WEARING A DOILY?

Are you wearing a doily?
Oh it’s some kind of hat?
Oh it’s called a fascinator?
Well I never heard of that

I GOT A TABLET FOR MY BIRTHDAY

I got a Tablet for my Birthday
My wife said “Hip hip hooray”
And I lost all interest in the plasma
When I saw it was Viagra

OPTIMISTS SEE THE WORLD

Optimists see the world,
Each and every day anew
Through Rose tinted lenses
The tint of mine is blue
Which colour my world
With everything I view

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL OR TWO

If you get an email or two
About catching Swine Flu
From tinned cooked ham
Delete them as its Spam

WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS COVERED

When I was a kid I was covered
In chocolate cake dough
Cherries and whipped cream
Life was hard in the gateau

SHE SAID SHE LIKED THE FOUR SEASONS

She said she liked the four seasons
When we first met
So for our first anniversary
I bought her a cruet set

FILTRATION IS ONE OF THE PROCESSES

Filtration is one of the processes
By which water can be made safe to drink
Flirtation is one of the processes
By which couples can see what they think

IT IS A PIVOTAL POINT IN HIS LIFE

It is a pivotal point in his life
When a boy reaches puberty
As he says goodbye to boyhood
And is on the way to his adultery

THE MOST COMMON FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL

The most common form of birth control
Is not as is widely believed, contraception
Birth control is when a man says he wants sex
And the woman employs contradiction

WHEN I PHONE A WOMAN

When I phone a woman
And talk dirty to her
I’m a sexual harasser

But when a woman
Talks dirty to me
I am a good customer

I WAS APPROACHED BY A WOMAN

I was approached by a woman
Doing customer researcher
I decided as I wasn’t in a hurry
I would stop and assist her
"What do you use for grooming?
Perhaps you could take a look”
“No need to consult your list”
I said “I only use “Facebook””

I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE PARK

I met a beautiful girl in the park
And the sparks flew, literally
She knocked me off my feet
Because she used a Taser on me

A Little Bit Of Humour # 48

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A LAUGH?

Are you wearing it for a laugh?
It’s overly sweet in fact it’s cloying
I know it’s supposed to be funny
But to me it’s just annoying

PINEAPPLE DUFFER

When my Dad was just a boy
Pineapple slices came in a tin
And had he put it on his dinner
Bedlam would have taken him

WHEN YOU MARRY

When you marry
Choose a partner
You love to talk to
Because when
Attraction fades
And lover becomes friend
Because conversation
Maybe all that’s left

HE WASN’T A SOPHISTICATE

He wasn’t a sophisticate
Which for some can be a plus
But he always thought
That a coach was a posh bus

FIFA HAS BEEN INEFFECTUAL

FIFA has been ineffectual
In its fight against Racism
In stark contrast with the rise
Of pan European Fascism
Who seem more likely to
Kick football out of Racism

CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW

At Chelsea my mother
Ran naked thru the judge’s tent
And she won first prize
For the best dry arrangement

ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-IMPORTANT LOOK?

Are you wearing a self-important look?
Well I would say you are in my opinion
And further more I will bet my house
On the fact that you are a politician

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION

I was so unhappy
With the service
At my local café
I wrote an insult
On the table
In tomato ketchup
Before leaving
Which is what I call
Complaining with Relish

THE DRUG MULE SURPRISE

The drug mule
Smuggled cocaine
In little plastic eggs
More accustomed
To holding a toy
And that’s what I call
A Kindle Surprise

WHEN MY WIFE REACHED FORTY

When my wife reached forty
Despite all the happy memories
I was left with no alternative
But to change her for two twenties

AN OPTIMISTIC OPTICIAN

I go to an optimistic optician
When I need my biannual checks
The only downside is that he
Always sells me rose tinted specs

SHE BLUSHED TO HER ROOTS

She blushed to her roots
When he gave his diagnosis
Which caused him to delay
In delivering the prognosis
Then it dawned on him as he
Looked at the blushing Dinah
So he said to her much louder
“I said you have acute angina”

KARL MARX LIKED HERBAL TEA

Karl Marx liked herbal tea
In his place on the left
And he preferred it because
All proper tea was theft

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 316

Jack ate all the lean
Jill ate all the fat
So now he’s anorexic
And she is always sat

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR FUN?

Are you wearing that for fun?
That’s a good enough reason Hon
I really love you in the black one
But I love more when it’s undone

A Little Bit Of Humour # 47

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DISAPPOINTMENT?

Are you wearing a look of disappointment?
Well I think you’re guilty of lily gilding
Because at your age using Viagra is like
Putting a new flagpole on a condemned building

WATER BOY

When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the tap
It was the wonder of the age
Fresh water from your tap
If a man had even suggested
They bottle it and sell it
For more than the price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit

I WENT TO THE CEMETERY WITH GRANDDAD

I went to the cemetery with Granddad
To visit the grave of Grandma Dot
But after an hour of wandering around
I thought Granddad had lost the plot

WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY

When my dad was a boy
There was no such thing as sushi
In fact during the depression
Eating raw fish was considered poverty

LEADERS OF THE GREAT NATIONS

Leaders of the great nations
Who want respect from society
Should moderate their behaviours
And steer clear of notoriety

HAVE FAITH

Have faith
In the force from afar
Trust in God
But lock the car

IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION

If you see a man running from a Lion
Run like hell, run as fast as you can
But you don’t need to out run the Lion
You just need to run faster than the man

IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN

If you see a bomb disposal man
Running away from the bomb
You should at least keep up with him
Or out run him with aplomb

THE SIMPLE TRUTH OF AVIATION

The simple truth
Up in the skies
If a pilot messes up,
Then the pilot dies
If a controller messes up
Then the pilot dies

IN ONE RESPECT WE HAVE

In one respect we have
I can proudly declare
A perfect aviation record
We never left one up there

IF YOU GET INTO DIFFICULTY

If you get into difficulty
During the flight
Then flying the aeroplane
And getting it right
Is more important
Than radioing your plight
To someone on the ground
Who, no matter how sound
Are incapable of understanding it
Or doing anything about it

TINY THING

Tiny thing
A new baby
Totally dependent
A new life
That new Parents
Have to keep alive
Like a Tamagotchi
But without a reset

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 315

Ding dong dell
Pussy’s in the well
And that’s what happens
When you piss in my garden

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?

Are you wearing that for a laugh?
Well you are a sight not to be missed
But given the fact we’re in church
I would suggest that you are pissed