ARE YOU WEARING CONTACTS?
Are you wearing contacts?
And a different colour at that
In normal light they look great
But in the dark you look like a cat
WHERE HAVE ALL THE READERS GONE?
Where have all the readers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the readers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the readers gone?
UKAuthors have nicked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
SIX BANNED WHEELCHAIR ATHLETES
Six banned Wheelchair athletes
From the Paralympics team GB
Were found to have tested positive
For WD40
A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 1
A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s still in a Korma
I DON’T HAVE A SATNAV
I don’t have a Satnav
I don’t need one in my life
l have something better
My Satnav is my wife
THE INTERNET IS A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet is a curse and not a blessing
When you develop a habit you can’t stop
And max out all of your credit cards
Without setting foot in a single shop
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 1
I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
As I thought “Caesarean section”
Was a district in Rome
A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME
A pensioner’s bedtime
In retirement is quite informal
Two hours after dozing off
In front of the TV is normal
SAMUEL WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL
Samuel was late for School
“It was the sign” in his defense he said
The teachers asked what sign
“The one that says, “Slow, School Ahead””
PUT DOWN # 50
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he quickly bores
“Do you have magical powers?
In this fantasy world of yours?"
AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS
At the Olympics the Romanians
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 1
One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that polished shoes
Are considered formal attire
IN HIS TOWN WHEN DAD WAS A BOY
In his town when Dad was a boy
They had a Chinese Chippie
He was a Carpenter from Shanghai
And he was Called Mr Lee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 307
Saw ye Eppie Marly, honey,
The woman that sells anything, honey?
She's lost her virtue and a' her money,
Wi' following a Goodtime Charlie, honey.
ARE YOU WEARING TINTED LENSES?
Are you wearing tinted lenses?
And the colour of vermillion
In normal light they look great
But at night you look like an alien
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
War ans Warriors
IT’LL BE OVER BY CHRISTMAS
August 4th 1914
The world goes mad
And the Great War Begins
The war to end all wars
“It’ll be over by Christmas”
So they promised
Instead there followed
Four years of death
AIR COMMODORE FERDINAND MAURICE FELIX WEST VC CBE MC
(19 JANUARY 1896 – 8 JULY 1988)
In an Armstrong Whitworth FK 8
West set off at dawn,
Along with his observer,
To search for the enemy
Through a hole in the mist
They spotted their concentration
Avoiding severe ground fire,
Almost immediately
They came under attack
From seven German fighters
West was hit in the leg,
And his radio was destroyed
Skilfully they fought them off
Unable to make home base
West landed behind Allied lines
But despite his injuries
And being in excruciating agony
He insisted on giving his report
Before receiving treatment
And he lost his leg
DON’T PRAY TO YOUR GOD
Don’t pray to your God
When another war begins
Because he doesn’t like war
And he doesn’t care who wins
ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 4
With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
Hazardous sorties over the front
Avoiding enemies on the hunt
Air Commodore Ferdinand Maurice Felix West VC CBE MC (19 JANUARY 1896 – 8 JULY 1988)
DON’T PRAY TO YOUR GOD
Don’t pray to your God
When another war begins
Because he doesn’t like war
And he doesn’t care who wins
ROYAL NAVAL AIR SERVICE - WINGS OVER THE DARDANELLES
1915 in the RNAS he flew
When Ferrijik Junction came into view
He and Gilbert Smylie were sent
And Into action they both went
Under heavy fire Smylie went down
In marsh land outside of town
He set fire to his stricken machine
And quickly set to flee the Scene
Then davies with skill and Gallantry
Landed in sight of the enemy
Rescued his comrade Smylie
And returned him to safety
Vice Admiral Richard Bell Davies VC CB DSO AFC (19 May 1886 – 26 February 1966)
THE SOLDIER STOOD
The soldier stood
And faced the grave
Before the dawn
To salute the brave
VICE ADMIRAL RICHARD BELL DAVIES VC CB DSO AFC
(19 MAY 1886 – 26 FEBRUARY 1966)
Valiantly he fought
Against Germans
And the Turks alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Diced with death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
He fought with gallantry
And abject bravery
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A BLEAKER PLACE
The world has become a bleaker place
And it will never be a safe world again
Death can be delivered unseen from above
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 5
Valiantly he fought
Against Balloons
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Fought against
Superior numbers
Above the Forêt de Mormal
Despite horrific injuries
He won the day
And landed safely
Lt Colonel William George "Billy" Barker VC, DSO & Bar, MC & Two Bars (3 November 1894 – 12 March 1930)
LT COLONEL WILLIAM GEORGE "BILLY" BARKER VC, DSO & BAR, MC & TWO BARS
(3 NOVEMBER 1894 – 12 MARCH 1930)
1918 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When he was nearly undone
Above the Forêt de Mormal
15 against one mere mortal
Barkers Snipe downed three
But he was wounded severely
He got the Snipe down on the floor
But it was the end of Barkers war
ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 6
Valiantly he fought
Against kite balloons
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
In two short months
In 1918
He wreaked havoc
On the enemy
He died in 1921
In an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a training accident
Flying a Sopwith Snipe
Preparing for an air show
At RAF Hendon
Captain Andrew (Anthony) Frederick Weatherby Beauchamp-Proctor, VC, DSO, MC and bar, DFC (4 September 1894 – 21 June 1921)
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A BLEAKER PLACE
The world has become a bleaker place
And it will never be a safe world again
Death can be delivered unseen from above
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
CAPTAIN ANDREW (ANTHONY) FREDERICK WEATHERBY BEAUCHAMP-PROCTOR, VC, DSO, MC AND BAR, DFC
(4 SEPTEMBER 1894 – 21 JUNE 1921)
1918 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When victory after victory he won
Between 8 August 1918,
And 8 October 1918
Twenty-six decisive victories
Against determined enemies
Despite suffering a bad injury
He managed to land safely
THE SOLDIER STOOD
The soldier stood
And faced the grave
Before the dawn
To salute the brave
FLEET AIR ARM - WINGS OVER THE CHANNEL
Valiantly he fought
In an outdated kite
Against Battleships
And modern planes alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Fighting Superior forces
He led his squadron
From the front
Attacking the Scharnhorst,
The Gneisenau
And Prinz Eugen
But were all shot
From the skies
Lieutenant Commander Eugene Kingsmill Esmonde VC DSO (1 March 1909 – 12 February 1942)
LORD KITCHENER SAID IN HIS FRUSTRATION
Lord Kitchener said in his frustration
Of the indiscreet Politicians and their lives
When you tell one of their number a secret
They went home and told their wives
With the exception of David Lloyd George
Who went home and told everybody’s wives
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER EUGENE KINGSMILL ESMONDE VC DSO
(1 MARCH 1909 – 12 FEBRUARY 1942)
1942 with the Fleet Air Arm he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When he and his squadron were undone
Against the German Krieg’s Marine
The pride of the German Navy
And against that determined enemy
His squadron fell into the sea
August 4th 1914
The world goes mad
And the Great War Begins
The war to end all wars
“It’ll be over by Christmas”
So they promised
Instead there followed
Four years of death
AIR COMMODORE FERDINAND MAURICE FELIX WEST VC CBE MC
(19 JANUARY 1896 – 8 JULY 1988)
In an Armstrong Whitworth FK 8
West set off at dawn,
Along with his observer,
To search for the enemy
Through a hole in the mist
They spotted their concentration
Avoiding severe ground fire,
Almost immediately
They came under attack
From seven German fighters
West was hit in the leg,
And his radio was destroyed
Skilfully they fought them off
Unable to make home base
West landed behind Allied lines
But despite his injuries
And being in excruciating agony
He insisted on giving his report
Before receiving treatment
And he lost his leg
DON’T PRAY TO YOUR GOD
Don’t pray to your God
When another war begins
Because he doesn’t like war
And he doesn’t care who wins
ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 4
With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
Hazardous sorties over the front
Avoiding enemies on the hunt
Air Commodore Ferdinand Maurice Felix West VC CBE MC (19 JANUARY 1896 – 8 JULY 1988)
DON’T PRAY TO YOUR GOD
Don’t pray to your God
When another war begins
Because he doesn’t like war
And he doesn’t care who wins
ROYAL NAVAL AIR SERVICE - WINGS OVER THE DARDANELLES
1915 in the RNAS he flew
When Ferrijik Junction came into view
He and Gilbert Smylie were sent
And Into action they both went
Under heavy fire Smylie went down
In marsh land outside of town
He set fire to his stricken machine
And quickly set to flee the Scene
Then davies with skill and Gallantry
Landed in sight of the enemy
Rescued his comrade Smylie
And returned him to safety
Vice Admiral Richard Bell Davies VC CB DSO AFC (19 May 1886 – 26 February 1966)
THE SOLDIER STOOD
The soldier stood
And faced the grave
Before the dawn
To salute the brave
VICE ADMIRAL RICHARD BELL DAVIES VC CB DSO AFC
(19 MAY 1886 – 26 FEBRUARY 1966)
Valiantly he fought
Against Germans
And the Turks alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Diced with death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
He fought with gallantry
And abject bravery
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A BLEAKER PLACE
The world has become a bleaker place
And it will never be a safe world again
Death can be delivered unseen from above
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 5
Valiantly he fought
Against Balloons
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Fought against
Superior numbers
Above the Forêt de Mormal
Despite horrific injuries
He won the day
And landed safely
Lt Colonel William George "Billy" Barker VC, DSO & Bar, MC & Two Bars (3 November 1894 – 12 March 1930)
LT COLONEL WILLIAM GEORGE "BILLY" BARKER VC, DSO & BAR, MC & TWO BARS
(3 NOVEMBER 1894 – 12 MARCH 1930)
1918 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When he was nearly undone
Above the Forêt de Mormal
15 against one mere mortal
Barkers Snipe downed three
But he was wounded severely
He got the Snipe down on the floor
But it was the end of Barkers war
ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 6
Valiantly he fought
Against kite balloons
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
In two short months
In 1918
He wreaked havoc
On the enemy
He died in 1921
In an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a training accident
Flying a Sopwith Snipe
Preparing for an air show
At RAF Hendon
Captain Andrew (Anthony) Frederick Weatherby Beauchamp-Proctor, VC, DSO, MC and bar, DFC (4 September 1894 – 21 June 1921)
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A BLEAKER PLACE
The world has become a bleaker place
And it will never be a safe world again
Death can be delivered unseen from above
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
CAPTAIN ANDREW (ANTHONY) FREDERICK WEATHERBY BEAUCHAMP-PROCTOR, VC, DSO, MC AND BAR, DFC
(4 SEPTEMBER 1894 – 21 JUNE 1921)
1918 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When victory after victory he won
Between 8 August 1918,
And 8 October 1918
Twenty-six decisive victories
Against determined enemies
Despite suffering a bad injury
He managed to land safely
THE SOLDIER STOOD
The soldier stood
And faced the grave
Before the dawn
To salute the brave
FLEET AIR ARM - WINGS OVER THE CHANNEL
Valiantly he fought
In an outdated kite
Against Battleships
And modern planes alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Fighting Superior forces
He led his squadron
From the front
Attacking the Scharnhorst,
The Gneisenau
And Prinz Eugen
But were all shot
From the skies
Lieutenant Commander Eugene Kingsmill Esmonde VC DSO (1 March 1909 – 12 February 1942)
LORD KITCHENER SAID IN HIS FRUSTRATION
Lord Kitchener said in his frustration
Of the indiscreet Politicians and their lives
When you tell one of their number a secret
They went home and told their wives
With the exception of David Lloyd George
Who went home and told everybody’s wives
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER EUGENE KINGSMILL ESMONDE VC DSO
(1 MARCH 1909 – 12 FEBRUARY 1942)
1942 with the Fleet Air Arm he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When he and his squadron were undone
Against the German Krieg’s Marine
The pride of the German Navy
And against that determined enemy
His squadron fell into the sea
Mythical Figures
GREEK DEMETER
Greek Demeter
Guardian of the harvest
Goddess of the corn
Mother of Persephone
Goddess of fertility
Protector of matrimony
ROMAN CERES
Roman Ceres
Guardian of the harvest
Goddess of the corn
Mother of Proserpina
Goddess of fertility
Protector of matrimony
EIDOTHEA
Sea-nymph Eidothea,
Gifted with prophecy
Daughter of Proteus
The shape-shifting sea God
BEAUTIFUL VENUS
Beautiful Venus
Goddess of love
Turner of heads
Nurturer of hearts
NEMESIS
Nemesis, Greek goddess
Of divine retribution
And deliverer of vengeance
Against acts of hubris
SUN GOD PHOEBUS
Sun God Phoebus
Greek God of light
God of prophesy
Poetry, music and healing
Son of Zeus and Leto
Twin brother of Artemis
ROMAN SUN GOD APOLLO
Sun God Apollo
Roman God of light
God of prophesy
Poetry, music and healing
Son of Zeus and Leto
Twin brother of Dianna
GREEK SUN GOD APOLLO
Sun God Apollo
Greek God of light
God of prophesy
Poetry, music and healing
Son of Zeus and Leto
Twin brother of Artemis
ROMAN GODDESS DIANA
Roman Goddess Diana
The virgin Goddess
Of the hunt and the moon
Daughter of Zeus and Leto
Twin sister of Apollo
GREEK GODDESS ARTEMIS
Greek Goddess Artemis
The virgin Goddess
Of the hunt and the moon
Daughter of Zeus and Leto
Twin sister of Phoebus
PHOEBE GODDESS OF THE MOON
Phoebe Goddess of the moon
Radiant, bright, prophetic
Titan goddess Phoebe
With an oracular intellect
APSARA
Apsaras are female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
Celestial nymphs and celestial maidens
They are beautiful,
Supernatural beings
Youthful and elegant,
Dancing to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the gods,
Entertainers and seducers
Of Gods and men
Ethereal beings
Who inhabit the skies
URVASHI
One of the Apsara
Urvashi is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
MENAKA
One of the Apsara
Menaka is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
TILLOTTAMA
One of the Apsara
Tillottama is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
RAMBHA
One of the Apsara
Rambha is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
SCYLLA
Scylla of Greek myth
Great monster of the sea
Terror of the seas
A fearful monster
The scourge of sailors
Believed in later times,
Scylla was thought
To be a rock in the
Straits of Messina
Greek Demeter
Guardian of the harvest
Goddess of the corn
Mother of Persephone
Goddess of fertility
Protector of matrimony
ROMAN CERES
Roman Ceres
Guardian of the harvest
Goddess of the corn
Mother of Proserpina
Goddess of fertility
Protector of matrimony
EIDOTHEA
Sea-nymph Eidothea,
Gifted with prophecy
Daughter of Proteus
The shape-shifting sea God
BEAUTIFUL VENUS
Beautiful Venus
Goddess of love
Turner of heads
Nurturer of hearts
NEMESIS
Nemesis, Greek goddess
Of divine retribution
And deliverer of vengeance
Against acts of hubris
SUN GOD PHOEBUS
Sun God Phoebus
Greek God of light
God of prophesy
Poetry, music and healing
Son of Zeus and Leto
Twin brother of Artemis
ROMAN SUN GOD APOLLO
Sun God Apollo
Roman God of light
God of prophesy
Poetry, music and healing
Son of Zeus and Leto
Twin brother of Dianna
GREEK SUN GOD APOLLO
Sun God Apollo
Greek God of light
God of prophesy
Poetry, music and healing
Son of Zeus and Leto
Twin brother of Artemis
ROMAN GODDESS DIANA
Roman Goddess Diana
The virgin Goddess
Of the hunt and the moon
Daughter of Zeus and Leto
Twin sister of Apollo
GREEK GODDESS ARTEMIS
Greek Goddess Artemis
The virgin Goddess
Of the hunt and the moon
Daughter of Zeus and Leto
Twin sister of Phoebus
PHOEBE GODDESS OF THE MOON
Phoebe Goddess of the moon
Radiant, bright, prophetic
Titan goddess Phoebe
With an oracular intellect
APSARA
Apsaras are female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
Celestial nymphs and celestial maidens
They are beautiful,
Supernatural beings
Youthful and elegant,
Dancing to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the gods,
Entertainers and seducers
Of Gods and men
Ethereal beings
Who inhabit the skies
URVASHI
One of the Apsara
Urvashi is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
MENAKA
One of the Apsara
Menaka is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
TILLOTTAMA
One of the Apsara
Tillottama is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
RAMBHA
One of the Apsara
Rambha is a female spirits
Of the clouds and waters
In Hindu and Buddhist mythology
A celestial nymph
And celestial maiden
A beautiful supernatural being
Youthful and elegant,
Who dances to the music
Of the Gandharvas,
In the palaces of the Gods,
Entertainer and seducer
Of Gods and men
An ethereal being
Inhabiting the skies
SCYLLA
Scylla of Greek myth
Great monster of the sea
Terror of the seas
A fearful monster
The scourge of sailors
Believed in later times,
Scylla was thought
To be a rock in the
Straits of Messina
PANCAKE DAY
I LIKE TO TRY TOSSING THE PANCAKES
I like to try tossing the pancakes
But my inadequacy’s its revealing
And the results of my failed efforts
Look like I’ve Artexed the ceiling
IT’S PANCAKE DAY
Light the hob
Mix the batter
Then pour it in the pan
Cook one side
And toss it high
Then catch it if you can
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A PANCAKE
There’s nothing like a pancake
With lemon curd spread on
And no greater disappointment
When it turns out to be Dijon
AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE
At the annual pancake race
The winner is always smug Trace
I’m always at the rear of the chase
Limping home in last place
Then I must congratulate Trace
And engage in a false embrace
When I really want to hear the base
Of the frying pan hitting her face
TOSSING THE PANCAKE
Tossing the pancake
How hard could it be?
Well quite difficult
Which surprised me
What an awful mess
After the first three
I gave up after four
That one landed on me
TOSSING A PANCAKE
Tossing a pancake
I can do that
Just get a fry pan
Heat up the fat
Mix up the batter
As easy as that
One on the ceiling
One on the cat
One on the door
One on the mat
One on my head
Like a sweet sticky hat
PANCAKE DAY
For the world at large shrove Tuesday
Precedes Ash Wednesday
For my unfortunate family stove Tuesday
Precedes trash Wednesday
I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE
I thought I would try tossing a pancake
Well that turned out to be a big mistake
The first three didn’t leave the pan at all
The next two were sliding down the wall
The only one dispatched with any grace
Then splashed hot fat right in my face
IT’S PANCAKE DAY AGAIN
Mix it, pour it
Cook it, toss it
And serve it
A little lemon
A little jam on
Eat it with aplomb
I like to try tossing the pancakes
But my inadequacy’s its revealing
And the results of my failed efforts
Look like I’ve Artexed the ceiling
IT’S PANCAKE DAY
Light the hob
Mix the batter
Then pour it in the pan
Cook one side
And toss it high
Then catch it if you can
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A PANCAKE
There’s nothing like a pancake
With lemon curd spread on
And no greater disappointment
When it turns out to be Dijon
AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE
At the annual pancake race
The winner is always smug Trace
I’m always at the rear of the chase
Limping home in last place
Then I must congratulate Trace
And engage in a false embrace
When I really want to hear the base
Of the frying pan hitting her face
TOSSING THE PANCAKE
Tossing the pancake
How hard could it be?
Well quite difficult
Which surprised me
What an awful mess
After the first three
I gave up after four
That one landed on me
TOSSING A PANCAKE
Tossing a pancake
I can do that
Just get a fry pan
Heat up the fat
Mix up the batter
As easy as that
One on the ceiling
One on the cat
One on the door
One on the mat
One on my head
Like a sweet sticky hat
PANCAKE DAY
For the world at large shrove Tuesday
Precedes Ash Wednesday
For my unfortunate family stove Tuesday
Precedes trash Wednesday
I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE
I thought I would try tossing a pancake
Well that turned out to be a big mistake
The first three didn’t leave the pan at all
The next two were sliding down the wall
The only one dispatched with any grace
Then splashed hot fat right in my face
IT’S PANCAKE DAY AGAIN
Mix it, pour it
Cook it, toss it
And serve it
A little lemon
A little jam on
Eat it with aplomb
Friday, 21 February 2014
Valentines Humour
I JUST BOOKED A TABLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
I just booked a table for Valentine's Day
For me and my wife
I hope she likes it, even though she can’t
Play snooker to save her life
THE ST VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE
The St Valentine’s Day massacre
That was a bloody occasion
Which just shows what happens
If you don’t make a reservation
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE?
Are you wearing your heart on your sleeve?
I know you’re in love that I truly believe
But I still don’t know if you’re in love with Eve
Or if your preference is for her brother Steve
I just booked a table for Valentine's Day
For me and my wife
I hope she likes it, even though she can’t
Play snooker to save her life
THE ST VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE
The St Valentine’s Day massacre
That was a bloody occasion
Which just shows what happens
If you don’t make a reservation
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE?
Are you wearing your heart on your sleeve?
I know you’re in love that I truly believe
But I still don’t know if you’re in love with Eve
Or if your preference is for her brother Steve
February
THANK GOD IT’S FEBRUARY
Thank God it’s February
And the month of January
Is now just a memory
And thank God for Salary
GROUNDHOG DAY FEBRUARY 2ND
According to German folklore,
If the skies are cloudy
When from its burrow,
A groundhog emerges
On Groundhog Day,
Then spring will come early
But if the skies are sunny,
And the groundhog
Sees its own shadow
It will return to its burrow
And Winter will continue
For six more weeks
CANDLEMAS DAY
If Candlemas is sunny and bright
We will again feel Winters bite.
If Candlemas brings cloudy skies
Spring will be an early surprise
Thank God it’s February
And the month of January
Is now just a memory
And thank God for Salary
GROUNDHOG DAY FEBRUARY 2ND
According to German folklore,
If the skies are cloudy
When from its burrow,
A groundhog emerges
On Groundhog Day,
Then spring will come early
But if the skies are sunny,
And the groundhog
Sees its own shadow
It will return to its burrow
And Winter will continue
For six more weeks
CANDLEMAS DAY
If Candlemas is sunny and bright
We will again feel Winters bite.
If Candlemas brings cloudy skies
Spring will be an early surprise
Friday, 10 January 2014
Bits and pieces
UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY
Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age
IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS
It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings
A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE
A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after
And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING
The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed
ALAS MEL SMITH
Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)
Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all
ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD
Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing
HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE
Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me
AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE
At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again
While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand
But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset
So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone
No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead
Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age
IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS
It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings
A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE
A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after
And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING
The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed
ALAS MEL SMITH
Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)
Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all
ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD
Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing
HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE
Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me
AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE
At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again
While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand
But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset
So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone
No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead
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