A Little Bit Dirty

RED SILK

Red silk clinging,
Accentuating
Each contour
Each curve
And when she moved
It moved with her
Like a soft caress

RED SATIN

Sexy red satin
Soft as the skin
Contained within
Smooth red satin

RED FACED

You never look as lovely, you know?
As you lay beside me in the afterglow
And the reason for that I must confess
Is that I love you red faced and breathless

I WAS AT THE END OF MY WITS

I couldn’t understand
I was at the end of my wits
I couldn’t undo her bra
I couldn’t get to her tits
The device was preventing
My reaching her bits
Then I thought that I should
Remove my woolen mits

I PULLED A CRACKER

I pulled a cracker
At the Christmas Party
And by way of a novelty
She wasn’t even tarty

Not at all my type
But I began to weaken
And thought to myself
Well tis the season

When the pagan symbol
We were stood below
Took effect, we kissed
Beneath the Mistletoe

Though not my usual morsel
I’m not one who dawdles
And I soon had my hands
On her Christmas baubles

ON THE VINE

My husband and I were
Visiting a vineyard
We were on holiday
To rekindle our passion
Which due to the side effects
Of his obesity
Sex was restricted
To only a special occasion

I’d lost sight of him briefly
Amidst the vines
When I found him
With an erection and at play
I looked at the vines
As he said Sémillon, Sémillon
I replied “I think you’ll find
They’re Chardonnay”

I SAW HER ACROSS THE OFFICE

I saw her across the office
She had tinsel in her locks
And a gleam in her eyes
She wore red striped socks
Way up to her thighs
My thoughts were not of her locks
As I devoured her with my eyes
I thought she was quite a fox
But then to my surprise
She offered me her Christmas box
As she undid my flies

A Little Bit Of Humour # 37

I BOUGHT A PRESENT FOR MY WIFE

I bought a present for my wife
Which cause us to have a fight
It was an enlightening book entitled
“I was wrong and he was right”

I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 3

I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class
Which should be simple
And not difficult to pass
It deals with the differences
She will have to face
Between a normal handbag
And a bloody Suitcase

AUGUST EXPECTATIONS FADE

August expectations fade and this season
My team has once again failed to impress
Our end of season video will once again
Be in the shops in time for Christmas

CHRISTMAS KEBAB

I love a Kebab at Christmas
More than any other time of year
Their infinite variety of fillings
Fills me with Christmas cheer
You don’t have to eat the same
Stereotypical stuffed pitta
Apart from Donner you can have
Comet, Cupid, Dancer and Dasher

I’VE ENROLLED MY SON # 1

I’ve enrolled my son
On an evening class
Using the brakes without
Giving passengers whiplash

A BRIGHT OUTLOOK

I woke up this morning
In the early morning light
I looked in the mirror
And not a wrinkle in sight

My wife, who was sleeping
Soundly in our bed
Now looked like
Sandra Bullock instead

The house looked neat
The garden looked tidy
So I should have gone
To Specsavers obviously

I’VE ENROLLED MY DAUGHTER # 2

I’ve enrolled my Daughter
On the perfect class for her
Learning basic skills to hone
Like shopping on her own

IF YOU ARE OUT CAROL SINGING

If you are out Carol Singing
And you dry during the song
Just stop and Take a deep breath
Then Keep calm and Carol on

I’VE ENROLLED MY SON # 2

I’ve enrolled my son
On an evening class for
Learning how to dry towels
By not leaving them on the floor

NEVER MIX THE GRAPE AND THE GRAIN

Never mix the grape and the grain
My Dad always said to me
And his inference was quite plain
Mixing them would be silly
Well now I think he was insane
They mix perfectly in my muesli

A Little Bit Of Humour # 36

I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 1

I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class, so that
She can learn how
To adjust the thermostat

ARE YOU WEARING EAR MUFFS?

Are you wearing ear muffs?
Sorry but that’s how it appears
After all how was I to know?
That you have cauliflower ears

DO I HAVE A PET NAME FOR MY WIFE?

Do I have a pet name for my wife?
Yes, I like to call her Bambi, chum
Because she’s cute and clumsy
And I’d like to shoot her mum

I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 2

I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class
So she will learn how to

Start a conversation
During the commercials
In the same way I do

CHURCH CONTROVERSY

At our church there is
Something of a controversy
In regards to when a foetus
Can be considered a baby
A few of us believe that
An unborn foetus in Surrey
Only becomes viable when
It has graduated university

I DON’T MEAN TO GO INTO A PANIC

I don’t mean to go into a panic
Or cause a massive fuss
But there are now only twelve
Shoplifting days until Christmas

I’VE ENROLLED MY HUSBAND # 1

I’ve enrolled my Husband,
To make his skills complete
On an evening class
About how to work the toilet seat

ARE YOU WEARING A MUFF?

Are you wearing a muff?
It’s like a big ball of fluff
Is it to keep your hands warm?
That you wear that muff?
Or is it a hiding place, for
When you’ve knicked stuff

MY WIFE LOVES EXCHANGING PRESENTS

My wife loves exchanging presents
Happily amidst the Christmas cheer
In fact she enjoys it so very much
She exchanges my gift every year

I’VE ENROLLED MY DAUGHTER # 1

I’ve enrolled my daughter in a class
Which caused her to exclaim
It was on Paralleled Parking
Which is quite a simple aim
Preferably in less than an hour
And without an Insurance Claim

The Busby Babes

CALLOUS UNITED – BLANCHFLOWER AND BERRY

Manchester United’s
Callous attitude
So cold and harsh
Towards the survivors
Beggared belief
And was never more
Keenly felt than when,
They could no longer play
Jackie Blanchflower
And fellow survivor Berry
Were forced to vacate
The homes they lived in

THE BUSBY BABES - THE HOLLYWOOD OF BRITISH FOOTBALL

Bright lights
Shining like stars
In the twinkling
Football firmament
Sparkling lights
From gritty towns
In the shadow of the
Dark satanic mills
Shining out from
Industrial heartlands
Like beacons
Bright lights of youth
Illuminating the lives
Of the terraced fans
Young men from the dark
Industrial landscapes
Youth’s bright flames
Snuffed out
In the snows of Munich

THE HERO OF MUNICH

In the wake of tragedy
Harry Gregg arose
And with no thought
Of himself
Pulled survivors
From the burning plane
Assisted latterly
By Bill Foulkes
Though he thought
His action unremarkable
George Best, said of him
“Bravery is one thing
But what Harry did
Was about more than bravery.
It was about goodness”

CALLOUS UNITED - GREGG AND FOULKES

Manchester United’s
Callous attitude
So cold and harsh
Towards the survivors
Beggared belief
And was never more
Keenly felt than when,
Only days after
The Munich Disaster
Gregg and Foulkes,
Though traumatised
And grieving and feeling
The guilt of the survivor
Were forced to play
Afterwards Harry Gregg
And Bill Foulkes
Forced to play too soon
With the guilt of the survivor
Sat in the dressing room
Staring with empty eyes

A MARK OF RESPECT – ARE YOU LISTENING LEEDS UTD

In the aftermath of Munich
All of football felt the loss
In an altogether more
Caring and respectful time
When fans of all teams
Out of respect, wore black
And stadia were universally quiet

IN TRAGEDIES WAKE – MUNICH 1958

At Old Trafford
In tragedies wake
In the eerie quiet
The terraces echoed
The mournful silence
And even the empty
Seats shed tears
For The busby babes

JOHN "JACKIE" BLANCHFLOWER (7 MARCH 1933 – 2 SEPTEMBER 1998)

Nicknamed "Twiggy"
John "Jackie" Blanchflower
Survived the wreckage
Amidst the snows of Munich
Though the crash didn’t end his life
It did bring his footballing career
To an untimely end

GO NOW BILL

WILLIAM ANTHONY "BILL" FOULKES - (5 JANUARY 1932 – 25 NOVEMBER 2013)

Go now Bill
Lay down the captain’s armband
You’ve earned your rest
Our tower of strength
Straight backed
Rugged and dependable
Take your place
Among your equals
And be at peace

Your strong facade
Oft betrayed
By sadness in your eyes
The sadness of survival
So go now Bill
And join the babes
You’ve missed so much
And take your place
Among immortals

JOHN JAMES "JOHNNY" BERRY (1 JUNE 1926 – 16 SEPTEMBER 1994)

The Forgotten Babe
John James "Johnny" Berry
Survived the wreckage
Amidst the snows of Munich
Though the crash didn’t end his life
He never played again

Tales of Love # 11

YOUR EMBRACE IS LIKE A VELVET CLOAK

Your embrace is like a velvet cloak
Enveloping me in love
As you speak to my soul
And burn into my heart a perfect love

YOUR SERPENT HIPS

Your serpent hips
And slender limbs
The glow and lustre
On your skin
In the half light
Of the afterglow
Beyond the bliss
And read the smile
On each other’s lips

SNOWFLAKES FALL STEADILY

Snowflakes fall steadily
As the wind blows
Laying deeper and deeper
As her progress slows
Knee deep she trudged
Through the deep snows
So I go and rescue her
From out of the snows
To get her safe indoors
Out of the snows
Though not for kindness
Heaven only knows
It was to get her out
Of her ho ho hose

SHE’S TICKING ALL THE BOXES

“She’s ticking all the boxes”
I thought to myself
When I first laid eyes on her
But of course she wasn’t perfect
That would have been a claim too far
Then when we spoke, at length
More boxes were checked
But again she fell short of the summit
But then who wants perfection
Which is in reality subjective
I have met girls in my life
Slightly more than ordinary
But thought themselves perfect
And others nearly perfect
And thought themselves ordinary
This girl was as close to it
As I had ever come
Or wanted to come
For if she was to be flawless
That would be unnatural
As well as undesirable
For it’s in the imperfections
Where character lies

LIKE DRIFTWOOD YOU FLOATED INTO MY LIFE

Like driftwood you floated into my life
As I cruised upon a calm blue sea
Your presence stirred the peaceful waters
And turned my outlook squally
But though we blow from storm to storm
I still believe you rescued me

IF YOU WERE AN ISLAND

If you were an island
Set in a clear blue sea
Dressed with palm trees
Stirred by the scented breeze
With sun soaked beaches
Of coral white
I would be the gentle waves
Washing over them

TWO CASTAWAYS

Two castaways
Washed up together
Like flotsam and jetsam
The floating wreckage
Of their failed loves
And from the driftwood
Of their own detritus
And broken remnants
Of previous vessels
They manage to build
A new ship of love

I WAS READY, WITHOUT A DOUBT

I was ready, without a doubt
Ready for the one
I was set on the start line
Heart beating at the run
Then bang!
Went loves starting gun

Christmas 2013 Selection Box # 2

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

LONG RED SOCKS

Long red socks hanging from the chimney
One sock for you and another sock for me
And this time next year we will hang three

RED SOCKS

Long red socks
And Christmas frocks
A sprig of mistletoe
That’s Christmas ho ho ho

HAND KNITTED GLOVES

Hand knitted gloves
Scarves and hats
Novelty slippers
A book of cricket stats
Soap on a rope
Hankies and socks
These are examples
Of my Christmas box

JOYFULNESS

Joyfulness
On high
Yeshua is born
For all mankind
Unconditional
Love for the world

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST

The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with every merry blast
Seasonal joy, when they play
Their tunes of Christmas day

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS

I am blessed with Friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
But when mixed together
And yuletide is upon us
They become without doubt
The fruit cake of Christmas

Christmas 2013 Selection Box # 1

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

A SNOWMANS TALE

When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other

He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat

A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile

Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund

I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall

CHRISTMAS

Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man

WALNUTS IN WINTER

Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils

YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE

Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT

The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear

OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING

Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide

So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
when all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so

ARE YOU WEARING RED SHOES?

Are you wearing red shoes?
And very festive they are to
And just the thing for a Christmas do