I’M A GRADUATE OF YALE
I’m a graduate of Yale
A name you can trust
Though I am not elitist
I can still do Chubb if I must
EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 2
The special theory of relativity
So I was led to believe
Meant if you went with a 2nd cousin
She could safely conceive
THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS
The price of beauty products
Have gone through the roof
What a rip off they really are
Try waxing strips if you need proof
THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP
The local Am-Dram group
Is presenting Hamlet presently
And sadly I have been invited
To attend this particular tragedy
THE TENNIS SWING
The dour Scot lost the first two sets
And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet
But the plucky Brit fought back to level
Only for the Scot to return in the final set
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
ARE YOU WEARING? # 13
ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?
Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition
ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?
Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again
ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?
Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake
ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?
Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear
ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?
Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds
ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?
Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?
Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit
That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it
ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?
Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”
ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?
Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them
ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?
Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store
Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition
ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?
Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again
ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?
Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake
ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?
Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear
ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?
Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds
ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?
Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?
Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit
That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it
ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?
Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”
ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?
Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them
ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?
Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store
Monday, 19 March 2012
ARE YOU WEARING? # 12
ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN?
Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit
ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?
Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley
ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?
Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess
ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?
Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair
ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?
Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there
ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?
Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead
ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?
Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex
ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?
Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?
ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?
Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on
ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?
Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope
ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?
Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair
ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?
Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?
Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all
ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?
Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron
Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit
ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?
Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley
ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?
Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess
ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?
Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair
ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?
Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there
ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?
Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead
ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?
Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex
ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?
Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?
ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?
Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on
ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?
Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope
ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?
Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair
ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?
Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?
Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all
ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?
Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron
The Natural World
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SPRING
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime
BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH
Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime
CLOAK OF FOG
A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time
LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime
BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH
Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime
CLOAK OF FOG
A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time
LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime
ARE YOU WEARING? # 11
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?
Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?
Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades
ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?
Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?
Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none
ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?
Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face
ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?
Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show
ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?
Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?
Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster
ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?
Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off
Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?
Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades
ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?
Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?
Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none
ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?
Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face
ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?
Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show
ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?
Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?
Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster
ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?
Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off
A Humourous Selection # 6
THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK
The morning after the night before
When his head is like a helter-skelta
The large hung-over northern Elk
Has to reach for the Elka-seltza
SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS
Do you suffer from a weight problem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door
DIRECTORY ENQUIRY
I was a stranger in town,
And didn’t know my way around
“Could you tell me mush?
How I get to Shepherds Bush?”
To a local inhabitant I did beg
And he replied “up the Shepherd’s leg”
I WENT SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY
I went shopping the other day
To an out of town shopping mall
I wanted some camouflage trousers
But I couldn’t find any at all
DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING
Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking
If you have something to say, raise your hand
And then place it over your mouth
Yes well done that’s it, that’s grand
DOCTOR UPBEAT
My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”
DRUNK AT THE BAR
A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"
WHEN I WAS A BABE
When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple
When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops
When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot
Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11
Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an un-packer
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Extricate, Extricate
EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 1
The theory of relativity
Or so I always thought
Meant if you go with a cousin
Don’t get caught
ARE YOU WEARING? # 10
ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?
Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash
ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?
Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob
ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?
Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt
ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?
Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses
ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?
Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?
Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?
Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess
ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?
Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly
ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?
Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white
ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?
Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person
Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash
ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?
Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob
ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?
Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt
ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?
Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses
ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?
Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?
Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?
Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess
ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?
Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly
ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?
Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white
ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?
Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person
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