ABIGAILS TALE - ONE DAY VERY SOON

In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home

She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time a letter arrives from home
With news from those she left behind

Her parents, loving and kind
Her sister annoyingly lovely
All her friends of long standing
And of course him

She left her home town
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage failed
So she is building a new life

Away from the people and places
Away from all the familiarity
That reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies

So she lives in a new town
And is making new friends
Discovering new familiar places
And trying to forget past mistakes

She has joined a new church
Where her angels voice
Sings in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself

One day very soon Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
And not be homesick and sad

One day very soon Abigail will read
A long letter from home
And smile at it contents
And not feel the old pain strike

One day very soon
Abigail will let herself be happy
One day very soon
Abigail will forgive herself

MORNING DELIVERY

The sun slips beyond the horizon
Like a letter slips into an envelope
Where it will stay until the dawn
When the envelope reopens
Spilling its contents into the sky
Brightening the world
Lifting the heart with its delivery
Like a missive from a loved one

TAKING OFFENCE

People are so easily offended today
This is quite ironic really
As due to political correctness
We are censored so heavily
And with all the sanitising
There is so little opportunity
But those who do take offence
Fall into three distinct categories

Firstly, the genuinely offended
Those who feel the detriment,
Whose opinion is seldom heard
Unless it’s politically expedient

Second, the white middle class heterosexuals
Who like to be offended on others behalf
And are particularly suspicious
At anything that gets a laugh

Thirdly, come the professionals
Those who get offended for a living
They frequent the morning TV sofas
And are relentlessly unforgiving

The professionals feel no offence
But find their roles financially fulfilling
They will take umbrage for anyone
Just to earn another shilling

Even worse however is anticipated offence
Those who want to act just in case
Some unspeakable offence may be caused
If things are unchanged or left in place

The original intention may well have been
That a better society was planned
But what they have managed to do instead
Is to make the world more bland

DEAR LOST AND FOUND

Dear lost and found
Can you please assist?
Lost – one heart
In poor general condition
Broken repeatedly
Repaired shoddily
(Too many times to count)
It is a good heart
Generous in proportion
True and steady
Not of fickle disposition
A trusting heart
A heart given freely
Last possessed by Julie
Heart was last seen
Being trodden underfoot
By previous keeper

EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

You always feel like
A Sunflower amidst the Daffodils
A Thistle among the Tulips
Out of place, unsightly

You see yourself
As the ugly duckling
But who never transformed
Into the beautiful swan

You feel ugly and at odds
Ungainly and ungraceful
How wrong you are
To me you are perfection

You should feel like
You are a Rose amidst Cabbages
An Orchid among Daises
In pride of place, radiant

I see you as
The beautiful signet
Who was transformed
Into a beautiful graceful swan

That’s how I see you
An angel from the host
A goddess among mortals
Whom I shall forever worship

THE HOST OF STREET ANGELS

Spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming

A host of angels on the beat
Where the folk of Woking meet
Armed only with Gods light
To illuminate those in plight
But not to preach or evangelise
Nor to judge or chastise
But to listen with sympathetic ears
Offer a tissue to stem the tears
Have a Christian heart to care
And make a difference there

For road weary travellers
And over enthusiastic revellers
The intoxicated and the incapable
The distressed and the vulnerable
And for the impromptu shoeless
And the temporarily clueless
They have sensible Flip flops
And sugar boosting Lollipops

So spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
And their blessed presence on the street
Shows that God is on his feet

ANOTHER MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR

TAKEN ITS TOLL

I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling

I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong

I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell

I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out

So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain

Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light

Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod

Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more

So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling

A CALCULATED DECISION

Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption

TENSE TRAVELLER

I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham

KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY

I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing

ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE

Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day

EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1

You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing

CLEANING HOUSE

My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair

MEDICAL PRACTICE

I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else

TAKEN AT THE FLOOD

As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?

OH YES HE IS

On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him

THE CORRECT SOLUTION

I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution

THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD

Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner

SELF ANALYSIS

Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary

HELP LINE # 3

I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged

THE LOUD MINORITY

People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them

DOCTOR MANNERS

Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”

THE LATEST FAD

I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.

GO WAYNE

“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”

SWEET GIRL

Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts

DIVORCE IS..... # 1

Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation

CORNERING THE MARKET

The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners