ON THE FUNNY SIDE

THE FALSETTO GENERATIONS

I was one of the baby boomers
And we were raised differently
The subsequent generations
Have developed much more selfishly
They are the falsetto generations
Because they always go me me me

SWEAR WORD SCRABBLE

Great fun games for the English summer
They don’t have to be expensive
Play new swear word Scrabble
It’s a simple game not for the pensive
All words must be in common usage
And should be genuinely offensive

NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS

No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air



MORNINGS AREN’T THE SAME ANYMORE

I miss Wake Up to Wogan
I miss the old camuggian
Wogan was the class, but alas
He’s been replaced by the brash

How did Chris Evans get the job?
That I can only surmise
But it’s like the Krankies
Replacing Morecambe and Wise

UNFORGETTABLE

He was such a forgetful man
He was like the absent minded professor
Unfortunately he was so forgetful
That he forgot to become a professor

SEXING FLIES

Joan found her husband George
Indulging in a strange caper
Stalking about the kitchen
With a rolled up newspaper

"What on earth are you doing?"
She asked with annoyance.
"I’m doing battle with flies"
Was his proud response

"Have you killed any yet?"
She asked, walking to the door
"Three male and two female
Is the current score”

"How can you sex a fly?"
Asked a now interested Joan
"I killed three on a beer can;
The other two were on the phone"

A SPIRITUAL WALK

MALACHI’S WORDS

I sat by her bedside
As she lay motionless
Cruelly aware of her incarceration
Trapped inside a broken body
Unable to move
Unable to speak
A mere shadow of what once was
And in my black despair
I prayed for her
And I heard Malachi’s words
So I prayed for her release
So she would awake with the Lord
And burst forth from her stall
Like a young calf in springtime

FORGIVENESS

I find it hard to forgive
But we are taught we must
To be a good Christian
We must first forgive others
Before God can forgive us
But I find it hard to forgive
I cannot let go the bitterness
Or it’s associated baggage
The betrayal of those I thought friends
The deceit of family
The put downs and the knocks
The adversities and animosities
I cannot make that commitment to forgive
All I can do is promise to try
Try to climb that ladder of forgiveness
One painful rung at a time
And if I do succeed
In becoming a better person
A more forgiving person
If I manage to slowly climb the ladder
And earn Gods forgiveness
I will only do so with His grace
And not by some sweaty effort on my part

ANGELS OF THE CHOIR

Angels of the choir
Is this the sound of heaven?
Such sweet emanations’
Heaven sings out
Each note
Plucks at my heart
Lifts my soul
Then elevates me
Carrying me away
On a choral wave
Of sweet rapture
Then upon the final note
Of purest clarity
I return to earth

THANK YOU

Thank you for the morning
For the new day dawning
Thank you for the dawn chorus
Refreshing and delighting us
Thank you lord for another day
And for tomorrow if I may

HEATH MATTERS

DRASTIC SURGERY

People of a certain age
With skin like tired elastic
Go to see a surgeon
And are quite enthusiastic
Though the procedures
Seem a little drastic
The surgeon promises
They will look fantastic
In reality however they just
Tighten the tired elastic
But the patient is satisfied
And pay the bill on plastic

IT’S THE WRONG WAY ROUND

Plastic surgeons think themselves Gods
As they try to turn back the clock
I think plastic surgery is nonsense
Trying to hold back the ravages of time
By nipping and tucking
And implanting and enhancing
It is an exercise in futility
People who have face lifts
Don’t look younger
Just permanently surprised
The medical profession
By trying to preserve aging flesh
Is approaching the problem
From the wrong direction
Would it not be better?
To transplant the brain
Of a mature man or woman
Into the body of a vacuous teenager
Then you could have fabulous sex
Followed by great conversation

NATURE

PADEMELON (SMALL WALLABY)

You’ll find the Pademelon
Beneath the rainforest trees
As they hop in search of food
In the cool of the evening breeze

TROGON

In the rain forests the Trogon dwells
Eating insects, fruit and seeds
A bird with the most lustrous plumage
Nesting in holes in the trees
Brilliant and dazzling with their long tails
A truly beautiful sight to see

A WORKING LIFE

INDISPENSABILITY

You think you are an important employee
You think to yourself “they can’t replace me”
Indispensability is in your frame of mind
Always on hand, one of the reliable kind
You never take vacations your work is your life
You work every weekend no time for a wife
There is more to life than work, no don’t scoff
Work is a means to an end, take some time off
You may think you are indispensible but you’re not
You think your contribution will never be forgot
But the thing that you will find most incredible
Is that the graveyard is full of the indispensible

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY

All work and no play
Makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play
Makes a life without joy

Don’t live to work
Take time for leisure
You should work to live
Life should be a pleasure

You don’t have to work
Every hour that God sends
Spend precious time
With family and friends

Don’t work all the time Jack
Get this into your head
You’re only alive for a short time
But you’re a long time dead

SHE IS THE ANGEL OF THE CHOIR

She is the Angel of the choir
She is my only hearts desire
Her voice fills me with rapture
A voice as sweet as her nature
But though I am in a state of bliss
I could never hope for a single kiss
For she is but a visitor from on high
An angel fallen from the sky
No mortal voice could so express
Each note in perfect choral congress

She is the Angel of the choir
She is my only hearts desire
In truth I know she is earthly born
But nonetheless I am left forlorn
For I have her upon a pedestal so high
That even an angel fallen from the sky
When on heavenly wings she flew
Would be less exalted in my view
So I must watch my angel as she sings
As my devoted heart grows wings
And soars up high on her sweet melody
I pray my angel will only sing for me

MY FAVOURITE THINGS, NOT

Black spot on roses and fingerless mittens
Green stinging nettles and flea ridden kittens
All creepy crawlies and insects with wings
These are a few of my un-favourite things

When my back aches
When my head spins
When I’m fighting mad
I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

Girls in tight trousers too small for their arses
People pretending that they don’t wear glasses
Long bitter winters and damp dismal springs
These are a few of my un-favourite things

When my back aches
When my head spins
When I’m fighting mad
I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

People who talk while I’m watching the telly
Women who show off too much of their bellies
Anyone who whistles and tunelessly sings
These are a few of my un-favorite things

When my back aches
When my head spins
When I’m fighting mad
I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.