21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 148
Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 149
Baby dear, good night, good night,
Doggie lies in slumbers deep;
Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,
Pussy, too, is fast asleep.
So the question I must make
Is why are you still wide awake?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 150
As I was going up Pippen Hill,
Pippen Hill was dirty.
There I met a pretty miss
And she was very flirty
As I was going down Pippen Hill,
I left the girl so flirty
Pippen Hill was quite clean
But the girl was very dirty
Thursday, 15 July 2010
THE DOMESTIC GAME
The beautiful game
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 1
Rafa is staying at Anfield
So no new regime is brewing
There is no new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great relief
That no new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 2
Rafa is leaving Anfield
So a new regime is brewing
There is a new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great shame
That a new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
Rafa is staying at Anfield
So no new regime is brewing
There is no new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great relief
That no new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB # 2
Rafa is leaving Anfield
So a new regime is brewing
There is a new job
That he is actively pursuing
And it’s a great shame
That a new club is wooing
The last thing Manchester wants
Is the prospect of Liverpool renewing
By employing a manager
Who actually knows what he’s doing
Thursday, 1 July 2010
World Cup South Africa 2010
FAIR PLAY DIAGO
At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way
A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0,
“We are disappointed with the draw
Against this piss poor team today”
“We consider it two points dropped”
Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA
DON CAPELLO
Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish
INTRUDER ALERT
After security failures
In South Africa
Surrounding England
In particular
FIFA want to ascertain
How certain individuals
Could gain entry
Without credentials
To England’s dressing room
The ones causing most worry
Were Emile Heskey
Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry
SINGING THE BLUES
They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury
In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy
They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22
We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning
They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free
We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear
We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable
But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team
POINTING THE FINGER
We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B
THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH
Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany
I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days
A SWIFT EXIT
England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”
England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”
WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again
CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Capdevila has reached the pinnacle
Of herculean World Cup feats
He has joined the pantheon
Of notorious world cup cheats
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
We were rubbish in South Africa
But we should stop the whining
For no matter how black the cloud
There is always a silver lining
We were rubbish in South Africa
And we get no second chance
But at least we can safely say
That we were not as bad as France
INTERNATIONAL BAN
Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure
Of the Nigeria team in South Africa
Is to ban them from internationals
For the next two year which is radical
The English FA considered doing the same
For the good of the English game
But decided not to at an FA meeting
As no one would notice England not competing
HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010
Well England made it to the final
Though alas only the refereeing chap
But like the England team before him
Howard Webb was really crap
At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way
A DISAPPOINTING DRAW, ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0,
“We are disappointed with the draw
Against this piss poor team today”
“We consider it two points dropped”
Said a spokesman of the Algerian FA
DON CAPELLO
Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish
INTRUDER ALERT
After security failures
In South Africa
Surrounding England
In particular
FIFA want to ascertain
How certain individuals
Could gain entry
Without credentials
To England’s dressing room
The ones causing most worry
Were Emile Heskey
Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry
SINGING THE BLUES
They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury
In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy
They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22
We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning
They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free
We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear
We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable
But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team
POINTING THE FINGER
We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B
THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH
Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany
I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days
A SWIFT EXIT
England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”
England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”
WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again
CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
Capdevila has reached the pinnacle
Of herculean World Cup feats
He has joined the pantheon
Of notorious world cup cheats
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
We were rubbish in South Africa
But we should stop the whining
For no matter how black the cloud
There is always a silver lining
We were rubbish in South Africa
And we get no second chance
But at least we can safely say
That we were not as bad as France
INTERNATIONAL BAN
Goodluck Jonathon’s response to the failure
Of the Nigeria team in South Africa
Is to ban them from internationals
For the next two year which is radical
The English FA considered doing the same
For the good of the English game
But decided not to at an FA meeting
As no one would notice England not competing
HOWARDS END - SOUTH AFRICA 2010
Well England made it to the final
Though alas only the refereeing chap
But like the England team before him
Howard Webb was really crap
ITS OFFICIAL, I’M AN OLD MAN
I was sitting in my car, which was parked in a side road behind the church where I was waiting for my wife.
It was a “no through road” and its primary function was as an access road to the shops and its double yellow lines were designed to deter men from waiting for their wives but at six o’clock in the evening we were there in numbers with out fear of causing an obstruction.
It was a warm late afternoon/early evening in June and the bright sun beat down on the car and subsequently we were all sat with our windows down to benefit from the light breeze.
I was leant back in my seat. Eyes closed against the sun, listening to the world cup chatter on the radio when I heard a car horn.
This was not an uncommon occurrence, there was always someone honking for something, I myself was no stranger to the use of the horn, so I didn’t open my eyes and continued to listen to the radio.
Then came a prolonged blast which did open my eyes and caused me to turn to see where it was coming from.
I had to crane my neck to see the source of the noise which was behind me and to the right.
A woman in a large salon car who was trying to exit a car park was waving her hand in an exaggerated gesture which I took to mean “can you move the car back”
I arrived aqt this interpretation mainly because she shouted rather forcefully out of her open window.
“Move back, move back”.
Despite the fact I was not level with the entrance nor was I blocking it in anyway and had she got her positioning right she would have made the maneuver effortlessly,
I pointed out to her quite politely that she was only driving a saloon car and not a tank but this fell on deaf ears so she repeated her demand.
“Move back, move back”
I acceded to her request and reversed back out of harms way but as she was making the turn she stopped and shouted to me through the passenger window.
I was expecting a thank you but instead she shouted in a voice somewhere between Caroline Langrishe and Margot Ledbetter.
“If I didn’t have my daughter in the car I would have something to say to you, you silly old man”
I was so taken by the superciliousness of her comment that I laughed.
This was not the response she was expecting which seemed to fluster her and she missed her gear.
“Are you not even a little bit embarrassed that you can’t maneuver yourself out of a car park”?
She eventually managed to find first gear and lurched forward but then found herself tight up behind the car that was parked in front of me before I moved.
I couldn’t resist the temptation and leant out of my window.
“Would you like me to ask him to move as well”?
She reversed back quickly then lurched forward again only to find she still couldn’t clear the parked car so she through it into reverse again and quickly shot forward.
To my shame the child in me applauded as did the driver of the car in front.
Then a jeweled hand appeared from the drivers’ window and extended a single digit and from the passenger side a smaller hand appeared and gave a thumbs up.
Then the break lights came on as she violently braked sharply, at first I thought she was going to engage us in some witty repartee or that she had noticed her daughters’ supportive gesture but no, it was just that she nearly ran down some poor unsuspecting pedestrian.
The driver of the other car and myself exchanged knowing looks and I chuckled to myself and was still chuckling when my wife arrived and got in the car
It was a “no through road” and its primary function was as an access road to the shops and its double yellow lines were designed to deter men from waiting for their wives but at six o’clock in the evening we were there in numbers with out fear of causing an obstruction.
It was a warm late afternoon/early evening in June and the bright sun beat down on the car and subsequently we were all sat with our windows down to benefit from the light breeze.
I was leant back in my seat. Eyes closed against the sun, listening to the world cup chatter on the radio when I heard a car horn.
This was not an uncommon occurrence, there was always someone honking for something, I myself was no stranger to the use of the horn, so I didn’t open my eyes and continued to listen to the radio.
Then came a prolonged blast which did open my eyes and caused me to turn to see where it was coming from.
I had to crane my neck to see the source of the noise which was behind me and to the right.
A woman in a large salon car who was trying to exit a car park was waving her hand in an exaggerated gesture which I took to mean “can you move the car back”
I arrived aqt this interpretation mainly because she shouted rather forcefully out of her open window.
“Move back, move back”.
Despite the fact I was not level with the entrance nor was I blocking it in anyway and had she got her positioning right she would have made the maneuver effortlessly,
I pointed out to her quite politely that she was only driving a saloon car and not a tank but this fell on deaf ears so she repeated her demand.
“Move back, move back”
I acceded to her request and reversed back out of harms way but as she was making the turn she stopped and shouted to me through the passenger window.
I was expecting a thank you but instead she shouted in a voice somewhere between Caroline Langrishe and Margot Ledbetter.
“If I didn’t have my daughter in the car I would have something to say to you, you silly old man”
I was so taken by the superciliousness of her comment that I laughed.
This was not the response she was expecting which seemed to fluster her and she missed her gear.
“Are you not even a little bit embarrassed that you can’t maneuver yourself out of a car park”?
She eventually managed to find first gear and lurched forward but then found herself tight up behind the car that was parked in front of me before I moved.
I couldn’t resist the temptation and leant out of my window.
“Would you like me to ask him to move as well”?
She reversed back quickly then lurched forward again only to find she still couldn’t clear the parked car so she through it into reverse again and quickly shot forward.
To my shame the child in me applauded as did the driver of the car in front.
Then a jeweled hand appeared from the drivers’ window and extended a single digit and from the passenger side a smaller hand appeared and gave a thumbs up.
Then the break lights came on as she violently braked sharply, at first I thought she was going to engage us in some witty repartee or that she had noticed her daughters’ supportive gesture but no, it was just that she nearly ran down some poor unsuspecting pedestrian.
The driver of the other car and myself exchanged knowing looks and I chuckled to myself and was still chuckling when my wife arrived and got in the car
Monday, 17 May 2010
A MIXED BAG
MATINEE
I don’t like modern films
Over hyped, over killed
They so often disappoint
The audiences once thrilled
I find now as I get older
The most joy that I can muster
Is from watching an old favourite
Than a modern blockbuster
THE COURTING RULE
When I was courting
Many years ago
I had a golden rule
Which I liked to follow
This ruled applied
To certain criteria
Namely that the girl
Should live in the same area
In extreme cases
A short bus ride away
As a general rule
Only one street away
But preferably
In the same street, or
In a perfect world
The house next door
My kids have no such rule
And don’t date girls in our road
In fact they won’t even date
A girl in our post code
SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA
Goodbye Mother T
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of their poverty
And they gathered again and again
God set you on the treadmill
And he made you change your name
And it’s been told to me that since you died
They put your sandals in the bin
But having them to cling to
When the pain set in.
I would have liked to have sold them
For just a few quid.
But your Sandals were thrown out long before
We even got a bid
DEATH AND TAXES
Death and taxes are the only certainties
In a life full of possibilities
Paying Taxes is an unpleasant act
Which I don’t enjoy and that’s a fact
But death is a different proposition
It’s not exactly an option
But I’m not afraid to go
But I fear the manner of it so
URANIA
The last mythological muse
Urania, muse of astrology
Foreteller of the future
By the stars array
Dressed in a cloak
Embroidered with stars
Holding a globe in her left hand
Always looking to the heavens
a goddess of universal love
And possessed with the holy spirit
The Renaissance Urania
Was muse to the Christian poets
And still gazed to the heavens
But saw God amongst the stars
FASHION VICTIMS
There is a new fashion range
Launching in the spring
And if you are of certain bent
Then for you it’s just the thing
There will be corduroy trousers
With a very high waist
And knitted sleeveless sweaters
To suit every taste
Jackets will be of Harris Tweed
With leather elbow patches
Shirt collars will button down
On a tie that never matches
So when will these hit the shops?
Is that the question I hear?
Be patient it will be with us soon
And it’s known as Boffin wear
SILENT STANDS
Silent stands
The winding gear
The pithead sealed
Five and twenty year
Miners no longer toil
With honest dignity
Coal now comes
On boats across the sea
Silent stands
The eerie monument
To stubborn arrogance
And bad judgement
Rust abounds
As far as you can see
The mining gone for good
That’s Scargill’s legacy
THE FAMILY WAY
I loved her right from the start
Willingly gave her all my heart
And when she walked down the aisle
I could do nothing at all but smile
When we moved into our flat
I thought to myself, that was that
Once we had our home together
We would just grow old together
Then I saw the pregnancy tester
When she had reached the first Trimester
And then came another level of joy
We would have a little girl of boy
Now I may have tended to fuss
My devotion may have been uxorious
But she was all important in my life
So I fussed around my primiparous wife
And when the great day finally came
We still hadn’t even settled on a name
But our daughter blessed our union
And I had two loves to dote upon
I HAVE A LOVELY SON
I have a lovely son
He is my number one
He won’t be an only child
I hope for another one
But he is our first born
When all said and done
I won’t love him anymore
But he’ll always be number one
LESS IS MORE
You don’t need to be frumpy
But I don’t want brassy
There’s no need to dress like my aunty
But I’m not looking for flashy
I don’t want to see everything
So don’t put it all on display
You don’t need to be obvious
I have an imagination, ok?
I don’t want to see it all
On display in the window
You don’t need to go in the shop
When everything is on show
You can allude to what you have
Without putting it all on display
But I don’t want to see it all
Save something for a rainy day
PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS
The medical profession can always
Bury their mistakes deeply
The legal profession can execute theirs
Finally and completely
While journalism allow their errors
To be given centre stage
For all the world to see in black and white
Right on the front page
I don’t like modern films
Over hyped, over killed
They so often disappoint
The audiences once thrilled
I find now as I get older
The most joy that I can muster
Is from watching an old favourite
Than a modern blockbuster
THE COURTING RULE
When I was courting
Many years ago
I had a golden rule
Which I liked to follow
This ruled applied
To certain criteria
Namely that the girl
Should live in the same area
In extreme cases
A short bus ride away
As a general rule
Only one street away
But preferably
In the same street, or
In a perfect world
The house next door
My kids have no such rule
And don’t date girls in our road
In fact they won’t even date
A girl in our post code
SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA
Goodbye Mother T
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of their poverty
And they gathered again and again
God set you on the treadmill
And he made you change your name
And it’s been told to me that since you died
They put your sandals in the bin
But having them to cling to
When the pain set in.
I would have liked to have sold them
For just a few quid.
But your Sandals were thrown out long before
We even got a bid
DEATH AND TAXES
Death and taxes are the only certainties
In a life full of possibilities
Paying Taxes is an unpleasant act
Which I don’t enjoy and that’s a fact
But death is a different proposition
It’s not exactly an option
But I’m not afraid to go
But I fear the manner of it so
URANIA
The last mythological muse
Urania, muse of astrology
Foreteller of the future
By the stars array
Dressed in a cloak
Embroidered with stars
Holding a globe in her left hand
Always looking to the heavens
a goddess of universal love
And possessed with the holy spirit
The Renaissance Urania
Was muse to the Christian poets
And still gazed to the heavens
But saw God amongst the stars
FASHION VICTIMS
There is a new fashion range
Launching in the spring
And if you are of certain bent
Then for you it’s just the thing
There will be corduroy trousers
With a very high waist
And knitted sleeveless sweaters
To suit every taste
Jackets will be of Harris Tweed
With leather elbow patches
Shirt collars will button down
On a tie that never matches
So when will these hit the shops?
Is that the question I hear?
Be patient it will be with us soon
And it’s known as Boffin wear
SILENT STANDS
Silent stands
The winding gear
The pithead sealed
Five and twenty year
Miners no longer toil
With honest dignity
Coal now comes
On boats across the sea
Silent stands
The eerie monument
To stubborn arrogance
And bad judgement
Rust abounds
As far as you can see
The mining gone for good
That’s Scargill’s legacy
THE FAMILY WAY
I loved her right from the start
Willingly gave her all my heart
And when she walked down the aisle
I could do nothing at all but smile
When we moved into our flat
I thought to myself, that was that
Once we had our home together
We would just grow old together
Then I saw the pregnancy tester
When she had reached the first Trimester
And then came another level of joy
We would have a little girl of boy
Now I may have tended to fuss
My devotion may have been uxorious
But she was all important in my life
So I fussed around my primiparous wife
And when the great day finally came
We still hadn’t even settled on a name
But our daughter blessed our union
And I had two loves to dote upon
I HAVE A LOVELY SON
I have a lovely son
He is my number one
He won’t be an only child
I hope for another one
But he is our first born
When all said and done
I won’t love him anymore
But he’ll always be number one
LESS IS MORE
You don’t need to be frumpy
But I don’t want brassy
There’s no need to dress like my aunty
But I’m not looking for flashy
I don’t want to see everything
So don’t put it all on display
You don’t need to be obvious
I have an imagination, ok?
I don’t want to see it all
On display in the window
You don’t need to go in the shop
When everything is on show
You can allude to what you have
Without putting it all on display
But I don’t want to see it all
Save something for a rainy day
PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS
The medical profession can always
Bury their mistakes deeply
The legal profession can execute theirs
Finally and completely
While journalism allow their errors
To be given centre stage
For all the world to see in black and white
Right on the front page
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