A MIXED BAG

MATINEE

I don’t like modern films
Over hyped, over killed
They so often disappoint
The audiences once thrilled

I find now as I get older
The most joy that I can muster
Is from watching an old favourite
Than a modern blockbuster

THE COURTING RULE

When I was courting
Many years ago
I had a golden rule
Which I liked to follow
This ruled applied
To certain criteria
Namely that the girl
Should live in the same area
In extreme cases
A short bus ride away
As a general rule
Only one street away
But preferably
In the same street, or
In a perfect world
The house next door
My kids have no such rule
And don’t date girls in our road
In fact they won’t even date
A girl in our post code

SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA

Goodbye Mother T
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of their poverty
And they gathered again and again
God set you on the treadmill
And he made you change your name

And it’s been told to me that since you died
They put your sandals in the bin
But having them to cling to
When the pain set in.
I would have liked to have sold them
For just a few quid.
But your Sandals were thrown out long before
We even got a bid

DEATH AND TAXES

Death and taxes are the only certainties
In a life full of possibilities
Paying Taxes is an unpleasant act
Which I don’t enjoy and that’s a fact
But death is a different proposition
It’s not exactly an option
But I’m not afraid to go
But I fear the manner of it so

URANIA

The last mythological muse
Urania, muse of astrology
Foreteller of the future
By the stars array
Dressed in a cloak
Embroidered with stars
Holding a globe in her left hand
Always looking to the heavens
a goddess of universal love
And possessed with the holy spirit
The Renaissance Urania
Was muse to the Christian poets
And still gazed to the heavens
But saw God amongst the stars

FASHION VICTIMS

There is a new fashion range
Launching in the spring
And if you are of certain bent
Then for you it’s just the thing

There will be corduroy trousers
With a very high waist
And knitted sleeveless sweaters
To suit every taste

Jackets will be of Harris Tweed
With leather elbow patches
Shirt collars will button down
On a tie that never matches

So when will these hit the shops?
Is that the question I hear?
Be patient it will be with us soon
And it’s known as Boffin wear

SILENT STANDS

Silent stands
The winding gear
The pithead sealed
Five and twenty year

Miners no longer toil
With honest dignity
Coal now comes
On boats across the sea

Silent stands
The eerie monument
To stubborn arrogance
And bad judgement

Rust abounds
As far as you can see
The mining gone for good
That’s Scargill’s legacy

THE FAMILY WAY

I loved her right from the start
Willingly gave her all my heart
And when she walked down the aisle
I could do nothing at all but smile

When we moved into our flat
I thought to myself, that was that
Once we had our home together
We would just grow old together

Then I saw the pregnancy tester
When she had reached the first Trimester
And then came another level of joy
We would have a little girl of boy

Now I may have tended to fuss
My devotion may have been uxorious
But she was all important in my life
So I fussed around my primiparous wife

And when the great day finally came
We still hadn’t even settled on a name
But our daughter blessed our union
And I had two loves to dote upon

I HAVE A LOVELY SON

I have a lovely son
He is my number one
He won’t be an only child
I hope for another one
But he is our first born
When all said and done
I won’t love him anymore
But he’ll always be number one

LESS IS MORE

You don’t need to be frumpy
But I don’t want brassy
There’s no need to dress like my aunty
But I’m not looking for flashy
I don’t want to see everything
So don’t put it all on display
You don’t need to be obvious
I have an imagination, ok?
I don’t want to see it all
On display in the window
You don’t need to go in the shop
When everything is on show
You can allude to what you have
Without putting it all on display
But I don’t want to see it all
Save something for a rainy day

PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS

The medical profession can always
Bury their mistakes deeply
The legal profession can execute theirs
Finally and completely
While journalism allow their errors
To be given centre stage
For all the world to see in black and white
Right on the front page

SHADES OF LOVE

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

Are you looking for someone perchance?
To partner in physical love’s erotic dance
It doesn’t matter to any of us though
If you just want to go at it with gusto
Maybe you have a penchant for a tart?
One of easy virtue but one with a heart
Or do you hanker more for a nympho
A raver to satisfy your burning libido
Does your bent lean towards a temptress
Or someone you can use as a mattress
No I think you look for more from your life
You are looking for a girl to be your wife

IS A KIND WORD ENOUGH?

How do you tell the woman that you love?
The woman that always fitted you like a glove
Your lover, your friend and your confident
How do you tell her of your discontent?

How do you tell the woman for whom you care?
That you are no longer in love with her
The woman you love but no longer desire
Kind and caring but unable to light your fire

How do you tell the woman that you love?
The woman that always fitted you like a glove
Where do you begin? Where do you start?
How do you tell her and not break her heart?

I NEED HER LOVE SO BADLY

I need her love so badly
I have fallen for her madly
And though she tells me
She is mine till eternity
I am so insecure
I do not no for sure
If I tell her of my distrust
I will warrant her disgust
Though I am riddled with self doubt
She will only pout
Why must I doubt her?
Why can’t I believe her?
I should count my blessings
Instead of self obsessing
I have fallen for her madly
I need her love so badly

FAIRER THAN A ROSE

Fairer than a rose
That in Eden grows
Brighter than a star
Shining from afar
Purer than a rose
That in heaven grows
I bless the day
She came my way
For until that sunlit morn
I was yet unborn

NATURAL BEAUTY

I look at you doing ordinary things
Bewitched by your beauty
I watch you take off your make-up
And puzzle at its redundancy

Why do you even put it on
It adds nothing to your beauty
For you cannot enhance perfection
It is an exercise in futility

MY BEACON

Your beauty is like a beacon
That shines through the universe
Brighter than the hottest star
In this galaxy and those beyond
I bask in its illumination
Orbiting like a faithful moon
Content to be your satellite
Ever in your perfect light

ISABEL

A vision of pulchritude
My sweet little Isabel
Coquettish in the extreme
A beautiful southern belle
Lithe limbed and gracile
She is hopelessly vivacious
With her sylph like elegance
She tends to the outrageous
But for all her dalliances
And her overt vivacity
Her revelling in the attention
She is still in love with me

DO YOU REMEMBER THE TWENTY FIRST OF SEPTEMBER?

Do you remember the twenty first of September?
A very special date is it not?
It’s our wedding anniversary you idiot
And should never be forgot

INTERNMENT

Your beauty caught my eye
And captured my attention
Your personality won my heart
And placed it in detention

IN MY DREAMS

In my dreams
I see you clearly
I reach out to touch you
And you hold me in your arms
I feel your tender caress
As you envelope me
As your love embosoms me
And my pain melts away
When I awakeI am alone and breathless
But content and at peace

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

A pulchritudinous creature
Oblivious to the turmoil
Stirred in a young mans chest
Tamed the beast in me
Sublimating me
From my true desires
Quelling the fires
Redirecting my passions
Reemploying my sexual energy
So we partake
Of the socially acceptable
Exercise our creative bent
Until the time is right
That blessed moment
When love supplants lust
And passions flame can burn

I WANT YOU

I want you to hold in my arms
I want to look into your eyes
I want to feel your heart beat
I want to hear your sighs

I want to hear your voice
I want to feel your touch
I want to kiss your lips
Because I love you so much

IN AN INSTANT

One brief moment changed my life
When the love that emanated from you
Captured my heart in that instant
And in the clarity of that moment I knew
My destiny had been forever shaped
And my life would ever after be with you

AS THE SUN SET OVER THE SEA

As the sun set over the sea
Filling the sky with an orange hue
I held your hand
And beheld that wondrous view
Then I squeezed your hand
And said “I love you”
I held my breath
Until you said “I love you too”

DAYS DOWN BY SEA

Days down by sea
Far away from amusement arcades
Away from the pier
And noisy shopping parades
Just wide empty beaches
The salt sea breeze in my hair
What ever the weather
I really don’t care
Long languid days
Spent down by sea
Just a wet shaggy dog
My lady and me

OVERTHROW OF THE HEART

Love once reigned in my heart
But it has been deposed
Because I didn’t try to keep you
The coup went unopposed

Now loneliness reigns supreme
That Prince of misery
If I had fought to keep you
You might still be with me

YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE

You are the sunshine
That makes the whole world smile
I am the rain
That cools things down awhile
Together we make a rainbow
That everyone can see
The vibrant colours in the sky
Shout out that you love me

SOMETIMES THERE IS RAIN

Life cannot always be sunshine
Sometimes there is rain
But when both come together
Then beauty is our gain
As a rainbow is the result
Iridescent in the sky

YOU ARE MY RAINBOW

Red is for your passion
Orange is loves warm glow
Yellow is the light
Green is for your eyes
Blue is for the clarity
Indigo is for your radiance
Violet the scent of love
And like my love for you
A rainbow has no end

THE BOOK OF LIFE

My life is like a book
Filled with all the special moments
And endless characters
Each page a catalogue of my experiences
Every up and down
Every high and low
But my life only truly began
When you turned the page
And started a new chapter

NATURAL HIGHS

There are many natural highs in life
Like laughing so hard it hurts
A hot shower in the morning
A hot bubble bath in the evening
Hearing a song on the radio
That reminds you of your first kiss
An admiring glance from a stranger
A special glance from a lover
Getting a hug when you need one
Holding hands with the one you love
Falling in love, being in love
Being loved and knowing
When you looking into their eyes
That they love you

ONLY YOU

Only you can occupy
That special place within my heart
You have been alone in there
Right from the very start

You will never be evicted
That would cause me great distress
For you will always be my love
The reason for my happiness

THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS

While I sleep with eyes shut tight
I dream of a girl dressed all in white
This beautiful girl with an adoring smile
And eyes so green they bewitch and beguile
She stands before me this maiden fair
And runs her fingers through my hair
Then I feel the touch of her caress
And a single kiss of such tenderness
Then the beautiful maiden fair
Whispered 'I love you' in my ear
I was alone come the morning light
I hope I see the girl again tonight

JUST TO KNOW

Just to know each day
That you are here
To listen and love
And abate my fear

Just to know each day
That you really care
To share and laugh
And abate my despair

Just to know each day
That you are with me
To make each new day
A fresh treasured memory

I GIVE TO YOU A ROSEBUD

I give to you a rosebud
Held twixt my finger tips
As a symbol of my love
That cannot be eclipsed
The purest, sweetest rose
As red as your sweet lips

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

Always and forever
My love for you will burn
And the one and only thing
For which I yearn
Is that you will notice me
And love me in return

I DRAW A CIRCLE

I draw a circle
As a symbol
To demonstrate my love
I do not start
To draw a heart
Because a heart can break
So I draw a circle
As a symbol
For a circle goes on forever

LIFE IS GOOD

Life is good
Life is great
Life is something
I appreciate

My life is good
My life is great
My life is something
I celebrate

I love my life
And I love you too
You are my life
And life gave me you

DREAMS

When I have dreams
Those dreams are of you
I tingle at the thought of them
Those dreams so blue
Each searing moment
Is burnt in my memory
I hope when I sleep tonight
I dream again of you and me

IF YOU WERE

If you were a kiss
You would be passion
If you were a dress
You’d be high fashion
If you were a pop song,
You would be number one
If you were an Olympian
You would be champion
If you were a star
You’d be the brightest
If you were a caress
You’d be the lightest
If you were a drink
You would be Moet
If you were a joke
You would be funny
If you were a flower
You would be exotic
If you were a dance
You would be erotic
If you were unmarried
You would be quite free
If you were so inclined
You could then marry me

I TELL YOU

I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I care
I tell you every day
Of the love that I declare

I tell you that I love you
I tell you every day
I tell you I am there for you
Each and every way

I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I’m sure
I tell you every day
But you’re so insecure

I tell you that I love you
I tell you that I care
I tell you every day
I’m not going anywhere

I tell you that I love you
I tell you I’m not that guy
I tell you every day
And then you start to cry

I tell you that I love you
I put my arms around you
I tell you every time
That my love for you is true

THEN AND ONLY THEN

I will drop a grain of sand into the desert
I will cry a teardrop into the ocean blue
I will blow a kiss into a hurricane
To prove my love, this is what I do
If you find that grain of sand, that teardrop
Or that kiss then that is when I’ll stop loving you

IN THE GAME OF LOVE

In the game of love you know all the right moves
With Terpsichorean precision, purposeful and bold
You are mistress of passion, keeper of my heart
If they awarded medals for love you’d get the gold

THEY SEEK IT HERE

You will find it here you will find it there
Some people like it but others don't care
Some will yearn for it in deep despair
But to find a true love is especially rare

PEOPLE LOVE

People love each other in many different ways
Take love where they can find it, I would say
All kinds of love shared each and everyday
But the truest are those that can’t be taken away

WEDDING POEMS

PROTHALAMIUM (A WEDDING SONG)

I stand alone
Yet among friends
I stand alone
In the sight of family

Hear the music?
Come ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me

Stand beside me
Stand to my left
Become me
Let me become you

Hear the words?
Go ahead
Make me turn my head
Come join me

We stand together
Before our friends
We stand together
In the sight of family

Hear the music?
Hear the song?
Let’s sing along
Come join me

We stand together
Alone no more
Joined as one
Before our God

EPITHALAMIUM # 1

Since that summer day
When you first caught my eye
You’ve lit up my life
Like the sun rising in the morning sky

We got to no each other
On that glorious afternoon
We asked the important questions
And found we were in tune

At the end of that perfect day
That perfect summer day in June
I took you in my arms
And we kissed beneath the moon

Now it is another summer day
Another perfect afternoon
And we are side by side
On our wedding day in June

EPITHALAMIUM # 2

As spring turned to summer
Nary a cloud marked the sky
As I looked at my maiden fair
I wiped a tear from my eye
As we stood before God at the alter
And made our vows, my love and I

GENTLEMENS RELISH

DOWN BENEATH HER DOWN

Down beneath her down
Drawn by passions scent
Of receptive loins
I sourced the open petals
Of her melliferous flower
And for my oscular stimulation
Of the moist blossom
I was rewarded
With sapourus delights
Until my esurience was satisfied

BLACK SILK DRESS

Her black silk dress
Fitted her like a sheath
The taught lines showed
Her nakedness beneath

Save for black-stockings
Gartered at the thigh
Stimulating to the loins
And pleasing to the eye

She turned every head
With her glamorous allure
Filled each one with thoughts
None of which were pure

DOWN AT THE BEACH

The beach was deserted
And silent
But for the gentle breaking of the waves
They were both naked
Her on her knees looking out to sea
He knelt behind her in the moonlight
Smelling her hair before nuzzling her neck
His hands were on her ample hips
His nuzzles turned to kisses
As his finger tips brushed
The soft flesh of her nakedness
His hands slid upwards across her silky skin
To caress the cupola’s of her breasts
And as his fingers teased her swelling mamilla
She turned her head toward him
And their mouths met
In wet hungry consumption
As passion intensified
He slid one hand slowly down across her belly
Fingers dallying briefly
In the lushness of her bush
Before finding the moist recess he sought
Her fervid response to his fingering
Brought her to the brink
And then bending her at the waist
He quickly pushed her forward
Until her head touched the sand
This presented her round buttocks to him
So he could see her open lipped pudendum
Glistening moistly in the moonlight
He slid his hands up and cupped her
Pendulous breasts
Caressing breast and teat
As he penetrated her heat

YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK

You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
If you have the urge
You can have me up against a wall
You don’t even have to ask
You don’t need to say please
Just snap your fingers
And I’ll be on my knees

You don’t even have to ask
Just unzip your trouser fly
Then I will do the rest
I’m always here to satisfy

You don’t even have to ask
We don’t even need to kiss
Just use me as a vessel
I will never ever resist

You don’t even have to ask
I am at your beck and call
But today like every day
You don’t notice me at all

WHEN AUNTY RUTH CAME TO VISIT

My Aunty Ruth came to visit
She wasn’t my real Aunty
She was my mum’s best friend
But she was a real beauty
Oh what a sight she was
To gladden a young mans eye
As she crossed her legs
Exposing an expanse of thigh
Another adjustment of her posture
Disclosed she was naked underneath
I could see right up her dress
All the way up to the heath
She knew I was looking at her
And I went very red indeed
Though I don’t know if she knew
That I filled my pants with my seed

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF ME? # 1

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Of you down on your knees
Attending to me orally

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was you wearing silk and lace
As you sit writhing on my face

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasy
Was to undress you in the office
And penetrate each orifice

What would you think of me?
If you knew my fantasies
About sex with you all the while
Would you look at me and smile?

BRONCO FILLY

You would have said
She was attractive
Glamorous even, certainly alluring
Which aroused my physical desire
And in my lustful state
I could have creamed my jeans
Just looking at her
But I didn’t need to
There was a libidinous look in her eyes
And they were looking at me
So we began with a simple kiss
Which became more fervent
Her ardency led to torrid embrace
And her caress touched
Every erogenous point of sensitivity
Until she was sexually receptive
Like a beast in Oestrus
And she mounted me
Riding me like a bronco
Until I was tamed

COME ON DARLING HEAR MY PLEA

Come on darling
Lets play hide the sausage
Let’s not hesitate
Come on darling hear my plea
Come on lets have a shag
You can choose which way
Monkey on a stick, reverse cowboy
Missionary or doggy fashion
Something new maybe
Like splitting the cicada
We can play with sex toys
I’ll insert ticklers up your vaginal canal
Or you can bite the pillow
For some penetration anal
If you don’t want a shag
A hand job or a tit-wank will do
Or please take it in the scull
I promise not to come in your face
When I tip my barrow
But you may get a pearl necklace
When I lose my load
You can sit on my face
Give me a golden shower
Get your knickers off
And I’ll give you a nosh
Just get your kit off
I promise to make you quiver and shiver
And shudder and judder
But please please remember
A sixty year old man
Should never waste an erection

A HUMEROUS COLLECTION

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
For that was the day Guy Fawkes failed
To blow up the bloody lot

WYNNE OR NO

Do you know who invented the crossword?
I can't remember his name for the life of me
It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach
It’s W something N something E

THE FULL ENGLISH

I like the full English
When it comes to breakfast
Something substantial
For a satisfaction that will last
None of that continental rubbish
All foreign and nasty
And what’s the deal with a croissant
It’s nothing but an empty pasty

SCARED HALF TO DEATH

Last week I got a fright
That scared me half to death
But that’s not the real trouble
What happens if next week
I get another terrible fright
Will that make it a deadly double?

MARTYRS LANE

When the martyr’s mothers reminisce
Clutching photos that they kiss
They shed a tear for their lost sons
Who blew themselves up for martyrdom
Then one tearful mother is heard to say
“They blow up so fast, don't they?'

I WISH TO COMPLAIN

“I wish to complain” the woman growled
The manager said “How can I help you”?
“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor
What are you going to do”?
The manager with a smile replied
“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,
And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons
And there’s always a puddle in our loo”

A TRIP TO THE FARM

When our class
Visited the local farm
We had a lovely day

And on the bus home
We sang a song
About our lovely day

The sheep go baa
The cows go moo
The ducks go quack
Chickens cock a doodle doo

The shepherd says hi
The cowman says hello
Get off that fucking tractor
We hear the farmer bellow

MUSICAL FUSION

There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
They play Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On the wobble board and the didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
They call the music Abbariginal

STRIKE TWO

What would you say to someone?
With two shinning black eyes
Well I wouldn’t say anything
They’ve clearly been told twice

KEEN TO BE GREEN

Local authorities’ love recycling
It’s a green policy and its one that wins
They want to reduce the carbon footprint
Of the electorate, for their sins
But if they were truly serious
They’d stop making so many recycling bins

NATURAL HIGH

NATURAL HIGH

SENIOR HUMOUR

DEFYING GRAVITY # 1

With such widespread use of breast implants
There will surely come a time in the next 50 years
When there will be a large octogenarian population
Of confused and befuddled perky breasted grandmas

DEFYING GRAVITY # 2

With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction
In future there will be a large octogenarian population
Of grandpas with erections to answer grandmas prayers
Who can’t even remember why they went upstairs

DEAD CERTAIN

A senior couple were lying in bed one morning. Just as a new day was dawning
Having had the most perfect nights sleep
Long, restful, undisturbed and deep

The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
She lay perfectly still in the same position
“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”

Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”She answered, “Because I'm dead” “What are you talking about? Of course you’re not
What put such a thought in your head?”

“It’s no good you arguing with me about it
I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,
And that’s it and all about it, because
I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said

SENIOR COLUMN

I wake up in the morning
But don’t get out of bed
Until I’ve read the obit’s
And made sure that I’m not dead

SENIOR WEEK

Since I’ve been retired
Everyday is a fun day
My week now consists
Os six Saturdays and a Sunday



SENIOR FORCAST

Since I’ve been retired
I’ve noticed that my hips
Are more accurate forecasters
Than those met office twits

A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF

In your younger days
Your figure was quite svelte
You were trim and fit
And you didn’t need a belt

You were dapper and neat
And sartorially proud
Now your clothes are garish
And horribly loud

In your untailored attire
You lack any kind of taste
And all of your trousers
Have an elasticated waist

Your health is not the best
You have a dicky heart
Your digestion is quite iffy
And you’re prone to fart

I look back to the past
And the feelings I felt
When your manly cologne
Was the only thing I smelt

Now that you're mature
And your skin no longer fits
For some unknown reason
I still love you to bits

THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s not before time
It’s like release from prison
After committing no crime

It’s a cause for celebration
Bring on the dancing girls
Crack open a bottle
Let’s get the flags unfurled

I’ve worked too many years
For Scrooge like employers
Today is a joyful occasion
It’s the greatest of pleasures

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s all I have desired
Thank God the day has come
I’m so glad I’ve retired

YOUNG LOVERS # 1

Your breasts small and pert,
Nipples deep pink and alert
Loins young and tender
Supple flesh in youthful splendour

My athletic muscular form
And endless stamina to perform
My jack in the box like phallus
What has now become of us?