THE GIRL ON THE BUS

I climbed the stairs
To the top deck
Then I found a seat
And sat
Then I heard a voice say “hi”
It was soft and gently spoken
I turned towards the voice
Which emanated from a girl
With the warmest smile
And her red hair ablaze
In the morning sun
And with her head slightly inclined
She said again “hi”
That’s all
Just “hi”
And with that simple word
Came her smiling eyes
Beneath her blazing hair
And a radiant glow
And a feeling came over me
A peaceful warm feeling
As warm as her smile
Then all at once
I felt so at ease
As if I had known her forever
Though I had seen her only once before
And did not think she had seen me
All she said was “hi”
But her tone spoke volumes
I returned her smile
And tamely said “hello”
I wanted to say so much more
She smiled again
This time with the heat
To match her flaming locks
I needed no words
As with that wondrous smile
All my questions were answered

SIR LANCELOT A’BOILS

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
On the battle field
Gave great service to his King
And never thought to yield

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court of his King
Gave great service to his Queen
And Arthur didn’t do a thing

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
At the court unseen
Gave great service to his King
As King Arthur was a queen

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Camelot’s love machine
Gave great service to the court
To peasant and King and all in between

Sir Lancelot A’Boils
Did eventually exceed
Having given a lifetime of service
He died when he tried to shag his steed

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

It’s that time of the year once more
When the motion picture industry
Pat them selves on their collective backs
And mark another year in their history

But when the time comes
How do we choose what to see?
Film reviews are little help
And critics add no clarity

Industry spokesmen and women
Film critics and film reviewers
Those who form the Oscar collective
Are of little use to film viewers

“Best picture Oscar” must be good
Well I fell in that trap
I watched “Gangs of New York”
And it turned out to be crap

Also I have found I am out of step
With the film critics view
So you have to decipher the code
That’s all you have to do

Just follow this simple guide
“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap
“Stunning cinematography” = No story
“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap

“Thought provoking” = No car chases
“Dark” = Badly lit
“Moving” = Alright for girls
“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit

“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough
“Poignant = Has no plot
“Oscar winning” = Over hyped
“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot

These simple tips may help
Save you wasting precious time
Watching an ill described film
Best designated as a crime

THREE SEASONS IN A WEEK

It was a bracing walk
The sun shone brightly on the lake,
A weak autumnal sun,
Bright but un-warming
And a light wind stirred the branches
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
And added to the chill
The familiar pair of resident ducks
Bobbed on the choppy surface
Seemingly oblivious to the cold
Mist on the distant mountains
Hinted at what was to come
By the time I pushed open my front gate
I was suitably refreshed
And glad to be home

That night the storm hit
A storm that began as a hurricane
Far out across the ocean
Then as it hit the land
It was merely a tropical storm
When it got to us it was just a storm
But what a storm it was
Thick black clouds turning day to night
It rained and promised to rain even more
Inches and inches of rain
Large gray drops ran down the bare trees
And splashed on the grey waters of the lake
Bouncing off the green and brown backs
Of the resilient swimming ducks
The Hurricanes remnants
Took three days to pass
And left the lake considerable deeper
.
In the calm after the storm
We basked in the warmth
Of a bonus summers like day
Left in the tropical storms wake
The two ducks swam lazily across the still water
Bees were out looking for flowers
Ants crawled around in the grass,
Adding to their winter stock of food.
And squirrels chattered away
As they searched for acorns and pine nuts
And ran amongst the shadows
Of the dogwood trees
A blue heron flew to the very top
Of the leafless weeping cherry tree
Doubtless lost in the storm
It spent the day recharging its batteries
And getting its bearings
Later it joined the ducks on the water
Obviously to ask directions

The next day summer had gone again
And autumn had returned
The day began with an overcast sky and chilly breeze
Later as I walked for a while beside the lake
It had become a warm and sunny day.
Warm of course, is a relative term
It was above freezing, just
The sun was bright; the wind light but cold
All was silent, the waters calm
A duck slept in the shadow
Of the leafless weeping cherry
The other was close by but silent
And the blue heron was perched,
Motionless, on the top of the bare dogwood
Before it launched itself
And after circling the lake once it was on its way
The squirrels were hiding
I saw no bees searching for flowers
And the ants were out of sight

Winter arrived yesterday
With heavy snow falling in the morning
Then the skies cleared
And the temperature plummeted
Today the landscape wass even more beautiful
And the lake was frozen
The ducks were no where to be seen
I don’t know where they go
But they always come back
The ground is crisp under foot
And it is very very cold
The squirrels were the only creatures I saw
And they were happily raiding their stores
Feasting on acorns and chasing around
I decided it was too cold for me
And headed for the fireside
To reflect on this week’s abundance of seasons

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 001

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003
Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 90

The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91

What are little boys made of?Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"
What are big boys made of?Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93

Seesaw Margery Daw Johnny shall have a new masterHe shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95

What are little girls made of?"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"

What are big girls made of?"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97

One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you woreFive, six, slip-ons you pickSeven, eight, lace them up straightNine, ten, slip-ons again Eleven, twelve, dig and delveThirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98

One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horseWith rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102

Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104

Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105

Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106

Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 107

Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,When the wind blows the cradle will rock;When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108

The North wind doth blow and we shall have snowPavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109

This is the house that Jack built!This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110

Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sellIf I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112

It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113

Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114

Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen, She lays eggs Full of Collagen
Good for women, And good for men, Higgledy Piggledy, My fat hen!
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115

Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.He does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117

“Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going clubbing, mate," she said. "May I go with you, my pretty maid?" "Only if you're paying, mate," she said.
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118

When good King Arthur ruled this land,He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queenand that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster

A HUMEROUS COLLECTION

SUBTLE DIFFERENCE

There is a subtle difference
Between “Put” and “Putt”
In meaning as well as spelling
I will attempt to elucidate
Their subtle difference
Clearly in the telling

“Put” means to place something
Where you ultimately want it
“Putt” is an unrealistic attempt
To do the same with the ball you hit

NO FRILLS

Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way

GOOD JOB SON

My son got a job today
At a bowling establishment
“Ten pin” I asked him
“Oh no” he said “it’s permanent”

A TIMELY REFLECTION

I am feeling my age
Now I’m of the silver haired class
But on the bright side
I’m still on the right side of the grass

A MEASURED REFLECTION

When I was young
I was broad minded
And narrow hipped
Now I’m middle aged
My proportions
Appear to have flipped

TAKAWAY BLUES

Last weekend my dad tried
A new Indian takeaway
He said it was very good
But he suffered the next day

He was violently sick
And was rushed into hospital
But he’s on the mend
And has no ill effects at all

The bhajis contained tulip bulbs
Obviously not the right thing
The hospital has said
He won't be out until the spring.

A DEEP DESIRE

After many long years
Of happy marriage
I still look at my wife with hunger
I hunger to see her
In something long and flowing
Like the River Humber

AGE OLD LIES # 1

Of all the age old lies
Which one do we hear most?
Well when owed money its
“The cheque is in the post”

When you hear that said
You know there is no hope
Because the simple truth is
It never made it to the envelope