THE TREATY
The eleventh hour
The T’s were crossed
And the I’s were dotted
The eleventh day
Books were balanced
Of the butchers tally
The eleventh month
Seeds were sown
For the Second World War
By the French at Versailles
SAVIORS
When soldiers stand neath flags unfurled
Before going to war to do the biz
Be sure before they’re sent to save the world
They re happy with the world the way it is
SHIP RAGE
The silence of a foggy night in the fall
Was shattered suddenly by a radio call
“Unknown vessel divert your course please
And steer to the north by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
The reply came “Divert YOUR course please
And steer to the south by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish
I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”
The Reply came back “No, I say again
You must divert you course you cant remain”
This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow
We’re a large warship divert your course now!“
I don’t care whether you are large or small”
“This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”
BANG YOUR DEAD
A nuclear war, can they say
Ruin your whole bloody day
For in any atomic hostility
All men are cremated equally
HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON
I think war is probably God's way
Of teaching us all a lesson I’d say
But it won’t be a lesson in theology
Its more likely a to be in geography
THE MILITARY WAY
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it
Having someone take a shot at you, and miss is the most satisfying feeling
Every retreat is a tactical withdrawal
Make sure you are not conspicuous in the combat zone it draws fire
Incoming fire has the right of way
Learn never to volunteer for anything
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions
Accurate incoming enemy fire is only surpassed by incoming friendly fire
Remember friendly fire ain't
You know the quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small
When you can be seen by your sergeant you, can be seen by the enemy
Any time you are in advance of your own positions, the artillery will fall short
You know that no battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
DEGREES OF HUMOUR
TERMINAL CONCEIT
Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility
NATURAL JUSTICE
Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking
FILTHY RICH
Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.
SMALL BEER
When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife
She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over
I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me
I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door
BE ALERT
On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see
But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss
But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages
Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
JIM PANSY
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee
Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility
NATURAL JUSTICE
Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking
FILTHY RICH
Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.
SMALL BEER
When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife
She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over
I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me
I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door
BE ALERT
On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see
But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss
But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages
Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
JIM PANSY
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee
SENIOR MOMENTS
OVER THE HILL
As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures
STROKE OF LUCK
Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy
50 SOMETHING
So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone
ASK A STUPID QUESTION
A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"
As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures
STROKE OF LUCK
Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy
50 SOMETHING
So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone
ASK A STUPID QUESTION
A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"
SPORTING MOMENTS
A GOOD SPORT
If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country
DASH IT ALL
They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete
WOKINGS WOES
After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box
ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1
For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim
ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2
If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git
If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country
DASH IT ALL
They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete
WOKINGS WOES
After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box
ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1
For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim
ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2
If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git
PUT DOWNS AND PICKUPS
PUT DOWN # 25
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”
PUT DOWN # 26
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”
PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”
PUT DOWN # 27
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'
PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'
PUT DOWN # 28
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."
PUT DOWN # 29
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"
PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”
PUT DOWN # 30
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”
PUT DOWN # 26
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”
PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”
PUT DOWN # 27
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'
PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'
PUT DOWN # 28
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."
PUT DOWN # 29
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"
PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”
PUT DOWN # 30
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
THE LAST TOMMY John “Harry” Patch 17th June 1898 – 25th July 2009
God bless you Harry Patch
The last British Tommy to fall
Jack, Jill and Maudie are waiting
Can you hear that distant bugle call?
The serried ranks stand cheering
Calling you to glory Harry
Calling you to reassemble
You must go now no time to tarry
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen
Are waiting to greet you proudly
Goodbye Harry so long old friend
Can you hear the bugle calling loudly?
Come to the cookhouse door boys
Come to the cookhouse door
Oh fallen heroes, oh hearty lads
I fear we will see your like no more
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen where the nicknames of Harry Patch’s Lewis machine gun crew who were killed by shell fire on Pilkem Ridge, Passchendaele, Belgium in 1917
The last British Tommy to fall
Jack, Jill and Maudie are waiting
Can you hear that distant bugle call?
The serried ranks stand cheering
Calling you to glory Harry
Calling you to reassemble
You must go now no time to tarry
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen
Are waiting to greet you proudly
Goodbye Harry so long old friend
Can you hear the bugle calling loudly?
Come to the cookhouse door boys
Come to the cookhouse door
Oh fallen heroes, oh hearty lads
I fear we will see your like no more
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen where the nicknames of Harry Patch’s Lewis machine gun crew who were killed by shell fire on Pilkem Ridge, Passchendaele, Belgium in 1917
HARRY’S LAST POST
Soldiers bear the last of the lads
In casket draped in the union flag
And then a reverent silence falls
Before the last post’s mournful call
Trumpeting his journey into grace
To feel his comrades warm embrace
Goodbye Harry a soldier known
The final Tommy going home
In casket draped in the union flag
And then a reverent silence falls
Before the last post’s mournful call
Trumpeting his journey into grace
To feel his comrades warm embrace
Goodbye Harry a soldier known
The final Tommy going home
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