I JUST BOOKED A TABLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

 

I just booked a table for Valentine's Day

For me and my wife

I hope she likes it, even though she can’t

Play snooker to save her life

ROMANTIC GESTURE

 

My wife told me to be more romantic

And to book a table for Valentine’s Day

When we arrived at the snooker hall

I can tell you there was all hell to pay

THE ST VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE

 

The St Valentine’s Day massacre

That was a bloody occasion

Which just shows what happens

If you don’t make a reservation

VALENTINE QUESTION

 

Roses are red, violets are blue

Do I have to buy flowers for you

Violets are blue, Roses are red

Ok I understand if I don’t I’m dead

BE MY VALENTINE # 1

 

On Valentine’s Day

The valentine card said to the stamp

Stick with me and we'll go places!

While the farmer gave his wife

Hogs and kisses!

And the caveman gave his wife

Ughs and kisses!

BE MY VALENTINE # 2

 

On Valentine’s Day

The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream

“I'm sweet on you!”

While the pencil said to the paper

“I dot my i's on you!”

And the light bulb asked his girlfriend

Do I mean a whole watt to you?”

BE MY VALENTINE # 3

 

On Valentine’s Day

The bat said to his girlfriend

“You're fun to hang around with.”

And the paper clip said to the magnet?

“I find you very attractive.”

BE MY VALENTINE # 4

 

On Valentine’s Day

The near-sighted porcupine

Fell in love with a pin cushion!   

And the elephant said to his girlfriend

 “I love you a ton!”

BE MY VALENTINE # 5

 

On Valentine’s Day

One pickle said to the other

“Your love means a great dill”

Even skunks celebrate Valentine's Day

Because they're very scent-imental!

BE MY VALENTINE # 6

 

On Valentine’s Day

The valentine card said to the stamp

Stick with me and we'll go places!

While the farmer gave his wife

Hogs and kisses!

And the caveman gave his wife

Ughs and kisses!

And the Persian gave his wife

Rugs and kisses!

VALENTINE # 1

 

Lover you still do it for me,

You are still my object of desire

Your qualities are plain to see

And you still light my fire

VALENTINE # 2

 

Lover you still do it for me,

With that wiggle when you walk

Your qualities are plain to see

And you still pop my cork

VALENTINE # 3

 

Lover you still do it for me,

Though you now have a fuller figure

Your qualities are plain to see

And you still pull my trigger

VALENTINE # 4

 

Lover you still do it for me,

To me you’re lamb and not mutton

Your qualities are plain to see

And you still push my button

VALENTINE # 5

 

Lover you still do it for me,

I’m as ever under your spell

Your qualities are plain to see

And you still ring my bell

VALENTINE # 6

 

You fill my thoughts before I sleep

And you’re there again when I awake

 

I have given my heart without regret

I gave it to you for my heart’s sake

 

I have found an all-embracing love

If I lost, you my heart would break

VALENTINE # 7

Lover you still do it for me,

Though you are no longer a dolly chick

Your qualities are plain to see

You still scratch my itch and flick my switch 

VALENTINE # 8

 

Since you came into my life

A symphony resounds

When before was only monotone

And colour now lives

Where once was only monochrome

HAPPY BIRTHDAY # 14

 

Congratulations and felicitations

But don’t drink too much at the celebration

Because the consequence of being tipsy

May well be an unexpected pregnancy

CUPID FIRED

I’ve waited for my valentine

For such a long, lonely time

I have waited for years

For him to end all my tears

I’ve waited for cupid to start

And shoot his arrow at a heart

The piercing of my valentine

That would then make him mine

And I hoped and I prayed

For a valentine’s loving serenade

But I never ever got one

So, I shot cupid with a gun

You may think my actions hard

But he did nothing in my regard

And when apology remained unsaid

I shot cupid in the head