ARE YOU WEARING AN ELF OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing an elf outfit?

Does it come with all the kit?

Pixie boots and a floppy hat

The green tights and all that

If you come to the grotto with me

You can call me Santa and sit on my knee

A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL

 

A chickpea and a lentil, what is

The difference between that brace?

It’s simple really because no one

Ever paid to have a lentil on their face

ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a green Christmas outfit?

You look very beautiful in it

In fact, you look very cute

In your Santa’s little helper suit

A Christmas hat sits atop your curls

In a way only suited to girls

A beautiful green velvet dress

And white fur trim to impress

Striped woollen legs of green and white

Are they stocking or tights?

Stockings would be in reason

More in keeping with the season

But I would not disparage woolly tights

They too have their own delights

Come and help me trim the tree

And say you dressed this way for me?

I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?

 

I am wearing a contented expression?

And all that is necessarily attached

I’m a man and at the end of the day

And if it itches, it will be scratched

THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

 

There may well be, as they say

“Plenty of fish in the sea”

But until I catch myself a cod

I'm left holding my rod

ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING

 

Once I found out that masturbating

Was an addictive habit

I knew from that very moment on

That I just had to beat it

I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY

I love the human body though some

Bits more than others I must confess

And I thank God for nipples, as without

Them breasts would be pointless

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?

Does it come with all the kit?

The boots and beard and hat

And padding to make you look fat

I didn’t believe in Santa anymore

Now I see you and I think phwor

I REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE

 

I really enjoyed our date

I’m so glad that you rang

It was a brilliant Guy Fawkes

Night that ended with a bang

MY BONFIRE NIGHT CRACKER

 

My Bonfire night cracker

Always good for a thrill

My favourite little sparkler

I like to call “Catherine will”

BANGERS AND SPARKLERS

 

Bangers and sparklers

Weren’t the fireworks

At the Bonfire night party

But the girls I invited

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a red Christmas outfit?

You look very beautiful in it

In fact you look very cute

In your Santa’s little helper suit

A Christmas hat sits atop your curls

In a way only suited to girls

A beautiful red velvet dress

And white fur trim to impress

Striped woollen legs of red and white

Are they stocking or tights?

Stockings would be in reason

More in keeping with the season

But I would not disparage woolly tights

They too have their own delights

Come and help me trim the tree

And say you dressed this way for me?

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL IN YOUR HAIR?

 

Are you wearing tinsel in your hair?

Sitting atop your golden curls

You look so very angelic to me

A jewel more precious than pearls

But looks can be deceiving

Angel with the golden curls

And later on, I might well discover

You’re one of the naughty girls

THERE WAS SOMETHING REMARKABLE

 

There was something remarkable

A special quality beyond belief

Something dangerous and daring

With the dark-haired slip of mischief

ARE YOU WEARING IT THE RIGHT WAY?

 

Are you wearing it the right way?

I heard the pretty girl say

Should it be tied like so?

For kissing under the mistletoe

Am I showing my naïveté?

In the most embarrassing way

It’s just that I kind of felt

It shouldn’t be tied on your belt

HAVING SEX IN AN ELEVATOR?

 

Having sex in an elevator?

Those dirty little devils

That kind of behaviour

Is wrong on so many levels

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON? # 2

 

Are you wearing it for a reason?

Is it because of the festive season?

You won’t be kissed under the mistletoe

Because you’re wearing it too low

BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED

 

Being from an army family I dreaded

Being invited to the officer’s mess

Because I’d have one too many margarita’s

And it always ends in distress

WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION

 

When I suggested you needed protection

I wasn’t meaning you needed a condom

I was merely wondering if you happened

To have a suitable raincoat to put on

ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a puzzled expression?

You must really think I have some gall

But if it wasn’t for pickpockets like me

You'd have no hint of a sex life at all