CHRISTMAS PASSED

I miss my dad, I miss my mum
And my brother now he’s gone
But though we are forever apart
They live on still in my heart
Through every special memory
Of the time they shared with me
So although they have gone away
They will be with me on Christmas day

CHRISTMAS IS THE HARDEST TIME

Christmas is the hardest time
When in the bosom of kith and kin
Amidst the exited chatter
And rustle of discarded paper
Punctuated by the joyous laughter of children
And over exited grown ups
I made all the right noises
As I wore my painful smile
I opened my presents when prompted
“Oh isn’t that lovely” I cooed
“That’s just what I wanted” I lied
But what I actually wanted
Was to be somewhere else
Where there was no need of false delight
Or insincere thankful exclamations
Anywhere else but there
They are well meaning souls
Who thought to help me,
By including my in their joyous celebrations
But they don’t understand my grief
Or the empty ache of a shattered heart
Each innocent Christmas ritual cut me like a knife
The familiar songs, once loved, now hurt
And each merry Christmas was a fresh cut
Losing you, my partner in life
Was like having a conjoined twin cut away
And among that happy crowd
My loneliness was most keenly felt
When all the excitement died away
I sat in silent contemplation
When sweet memories of happier days
Flooded into my mind to torture me
I hide it from the crowd
Keeping the pain and sorrow within
But so intertwined were our lives
I am left incomplete
I am in torment every day for the want of you
But Christmas is the hardest time

CHRISTMAS WITHOUT HARRY

It was early when the children woke up
With their squeals of joy and delight
They hadn’t woken me though
I’d been awake half the night

Christmas held no joy for me this year
I was not looking forward to the day
And I always loved Christmas
This year I didn’t want to play

It was the first Christmas since I lost Harry
And each moment was a fresh agony
Everything we used to do together
Now had to be done by me

When you are the perfect partnership
It’s so hard when you lose one of the team
He was the cream cheese on my bagel,
I was the coffee to his cream

Its six months since he was taken from me
But the wound has barely healed
It takes just the slightest remembrance
And a fresh scar is then revealed

The children have all adjusted well
I’m so proud of the way they’ve coped
They’ve gotten on with their lives
And not sat around and moped

I’ve lain awake most of the night
Reliving Christmases gone by
I laughed at all the happy memories
And then the laughter turned to cries

It was going to be a difficult day to bear
And I would be glad when it was done
But I didn’t want to be a Grinch
And pour water on the children’s fun

Having Christmas without Harry
Was like having an undecorated tree
He was my best friend and soul mate
He was just everything to me

So for the kid’s sake I had to grin and bear it
Put on a brave face, smiled through the pain
I thought it would never end but end it did
And it won’t be that hard again

TIME IS A GREAT HEALER

Time is a great healer
That’s what they said
That’s what they told me
After you were dead
Banal words of wisdom
And benevolent attitudes
Empty words and gestures
And worthless platitudes
Only one thing
Can ever take the pain away
And you’re not coming back
No matter how hard I pray
I just wish with all my heart
We could have gone together
And I would not feel so lonely
And I’d be with you forever

GONE ARE THOSE JOYFUL DAYS

Gone is that joyful day
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
Everything ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
Everything ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Sunlight glinting on the water
The sea breeze blowing through our hair
Happy and carefree, hand in hand
Everything ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired

Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart brimmed over with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And you were still here with us

Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you deeply until that day
When God has reunited us

I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now

THE CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE

It was Christmas Eve
We were preparing for Christmas day
Stuffing the bird and peeling veg
Singing of Santa on his sleigh
When the phone call came
I thought great Dads on his way
Or maybe it will be Gran
With another Christmas cliché

A happy Christmas call
Full of happiness and cheer
In truth it was the very opposite
It was the call we all fear
The death of a loved one
The voice says so very clear
“I’ve lost my best friend”
And I had no words only tears

Out of the blue so unexpected
Certainly not on Christmas Eve
Christmas should be a celebration
Certainly not a time to grieve
But Christmas Eve or not
It seems it was his time to leave
So farewell dear brother
Life without you I cannot conceive

DEAR BROTHER

Dear brother you were always first
I wish our roles could have been reversed
You were the first born son
Always Dads number one
You were first to go to school
While I looked at my brother so cool
The certificates you received
Became targets I had to achieve
I always beat you I was always King
But I was never first to do anything
You were the first to kiss a girl
A rather ungainly blonde called Shirl
You were the first to get a job
The first to earn an honest bob
You were the first to wed
The first to wet a babies head
And to feel a granddads pride
I watched you brush a tear aside
And now for the last time
You were first to hear the bell chime
Once more you’ve won the race
And were first to feel Gods embrace

JUST LIKE JACOB MARLEY

Peter was taken on Christmas Eve
Just like Jacob Marley
But the similarity ends there
He was never grasping or stingy
He had not been well for a time
And happy to pass without fuss
But he would have been hopping mad
That he was missing Christmas
He would not have planned it that way
And picked a better time to leave
I think he would have been happier
If he had died on New Years Eve

For my Brother Peter who died on Christmas Eve 2008

I WILL BE THERE

Do not grieve for me
Do not mourn my passing
Remember me with a smile
Don’t think of me as gone
Remember what we had
Think of our life like a favourite book
Do not close it and put it on the shelf
Never to be read again
Just because you hate the ending
Start to write the next chapter
Enjoy it like all the others
And don’t be sad
I will be there with you always

I will be there when the wild flowers
Dance in the spring meadow
When the summer breeze moves through
A field of ripening wheat
When the morning mist of autumn
Softens the landscape
And when the winter sun
Sparkles and glints on the snow
And I will be by your side
Through your loneliest hours

I will be there in the dawn
Rising with the sun
You will see me again
When the sun sets at the days end
And in the twilight hours
I will be that gentle breeze
That caress’s your cheek
On a warm summer evening
And I will be that tingle on your skin
As you lie in the quiet hours

I will be there when you retrace our steps
And when you stand on the lake shore
My reflection will not be on the water
By I am still with you
When you walk in the autumn
Through the golden carpet
I will be in the dancing leaves
And when the snow lays
Though I will leave no foot prints
I am there for these moments our ours

I will be there in the quietness of winter
Among the falling snowflakes
I will be in the dew drops
On the grassy meadow
I will be there in the warm sunlight
Of a summer’s day
I will be with you when the storm
Quickens your heartbeat
And you will feel me on your skin
And in the April showers

CHRISTMAS AT THE PEAKS

Will it be a cold Christmas?
Joyless and bleak
This year in Manchester
For Mr. and Mrs. Peak

Amanda and Philip
Robbed of their pride and joys
By a drunken fool
Who murdered their dear boys

What words will comfort
The loss of Ben and Arron
What consolation is there?
To be found as the time goes on

Fathers chums, mothers pride
Funny, studious and mild
Our hearts bleed for them
No parent should outlive a child

They bear the mental scars
Of a life that isn’t fair
While Philip still broken
Sits confined to a wheelchair

I will think of the Peaks
As I spend Christmas with my family
And give thanks to God
They are all alive with me

It will be a sad Christmas
This year in Manchester
For Mr. and Mrs. Peak
The lonely mother and father

Ben and Arron will be there
If only in ethereal essence
Watching over mum and dad
I know they will feel their presence

PARTNERS IN TIME

I held your hand
Though you did not know it
And I remembered
The first time I held it
That august day so long ago
When the magic passed between us
And I knew I had found my mate
It was such an innocuous action
We were on the train
Two travelling strangers
As it rattled its way through Surrey
You were getting to you feet
When the train lurched
And you fell back with a bump
I offered you my hand
Which you took
And the dye was cast
Our journey together began
Now your journey is nearly at its end
And I sit in vigil at your side
Where I will remain
Until life leaves your body
On that quiet final breath
I said when we were young
“I would love you all of your life
When you were still you,
Before the morphine took you
You said to me
“Will you still love me all of my life?”
With a crack in my voice I said
“No I’ll love you for all of mine”

COMPLIMENTARY MEMBERSHIP

It was early morning
The sun was barely up
I knew because I saw it rise
I had lain in the darkness
Awake and aware for hours
Unable to sleep
Uneasy in my mind
Fearful of what maybe
Helpless in the face of events
Powerless to influence them
Just too far away
A continent away
Then I saw darkness slip into gloom
Then from gloom to glory
And in that glorious dawn light
I listened to world awaken
With all the sounds of first light
The chirruping birds
Of the dawn chorus
A milk float on its way
Clinking and rattling
Joe next door heading for work
Early turn this week
Then so I didn’t want to hear
The sound I was dreading
Beside me on the night stand
The telephone rang
A numbing fear gripped me
And for a moment I was frozen
Unable to move
Powerless to answer it
It’s never good news
Not at the crack of dawn
Good news always waits
Until a decent hour
When the telling of it can be savoured
And the listening appreciated
Good news was delivered with coffee
And consumed with tea
Good news did not come
With the breaking day and the dawn chorus
Only bad news came so early
Bad news never waited
There was no reason to wait
Bad news had no good time
It just had to be delivered
The phone rang again
And the fear released its grip on me
And I picked up the phone
The conversation was short
Its contents concise
It was the news I was expecting
Dreading, fearing
It was confirmed
I was now a member of the club
Sadly not an exclusive group
Quite indiscriminate in its selection
A club few wanted to join
But whose ranks are unshrinking
I had friends in the club
My wife was even a member
As was my boss
There was no shame in it
No social stigma
But I would have given anything
To have been excluded
To be denied admittance
To have my enrolment
Delayed for 10 or 20 years
Or even a few precious days
Just one short day, not even a whole day
Just a few hours over my travelling time
This is not an uncommon reaction
I am reliably informed
To resist membership
It’s not a club you want to join
After all no one chooses to join
The dead Dads club

I COULD NOT WEEP FOR HIM

I could not weep
When he was diagnosed
And I feared the worst
Or when the false smile appeared
And he feared it too
And put on a brave face

I could not weep
As I sat at his side
His hand once as strong as atlas
Now to weak to grip
Weak like a babe
More so

I could not weep
As I watched the frown
Furrowing his weathered face
Grey, expressionless
And as his frown faded,
As the morphine took control

I could not weep
As he lay motionless,
Breath shallow
Silent, almost
But for the occasional groan
Beneath the morphine

I could not weep
At his deathbed
As the monster within
Crept through his organs
Hastening the end
For him and for itself

I could not weep
As his muscles relaxed
And the pain was no more
As he exhaled his last
And his soul passed
When he was at peace

I could not weep
Not because it wasn’t macho
Nor for lack of love
It was perhaps numbness
Or a need to be strong
For family, others

I could not weep
When my father died
When he released his grip on life
And I kissed him goodbye
I felt only relief
That his suffering had ended

I could not weep
Not even at his funeral
When all who loved him gathered
And we shared memories
Even when the curtains drew
I could not weep for him

Fourteen years later
On a cold December morning
I held my first born son
And amidst the tears of joy
I wept for himAs I held his grandson

COME WITH ME NOW

At his bedside
The gentle angel stood
Watching as he slept
Listening to his quiet shallow breath
Then the angel softly spoke
And reached out a hand
“Your time has come to see the lord”
“Come with me now”
Then he slept no more
And he left his empty body
Taking the offered hand
The angel smiled and they began to ascend
To a better place and time
Traveling upward through a tunnelToward a light becoming ever brighter
Its brightness became almost blinding
Until with the angel he emerged
Into the land of light and love
The angel left him with a smile
With those who had passed before
Familiar faces greeted him
Loved ones from years past
Who showed him round heavens paradise
Where milk and honey flowed
Scenes of unimagined beauty met his eye
And the sweetest perfumes filled the air
Music was everywhere invading every pore
From simple refrains to grand symphonies
Musicians played on instruments of gold
While choirs of angels sang
But the most overpowering feeling
That assailed his senses Was of everlasting love

BLUE TO GREY

Where once the sky was blue
Now are only clouds of grey
Where once the golden sun shone
Now darkness fills the day

Where once we walked together
Now I must walk alone
Where once was warmth
Now is cold like stone

Somewhere beyond the clouds
Does blue still fills your sky
And does the golden sunshine
Make you shield your eyes

Do you walk the path alone?
Or is there another at your side
Is your life still full of warmth?
Or does coldness with you abide

One day I hope you will return
To make my grey sky blue
And to warm me with your sunshine
So I can walk loves path with you

DON’T FORGET ME

Don’t forget me, now I’ve gone
But remember me in happy ways
Don’t dwell on all the sadness
Bring to mind those special days

Don’t wipe me from your memory
But don’t grieve now I’ve passed
Remember all the good times
And the joy from good days past

Don’t be lonely now I’ve gone
My life ended yours did not
Find happiness where you can
I’m happy knowing I’m not forgot

Don’t forget to visit my grave
But only do it on a sunny day
Don’t stand at my stone in the rain
Blow me a kiss then walk away

So mark the passing of me well
But don’t shed too many tears
Gather friends and family round
Raise a glass to me with “cheers”

TIME ON MY HANDS

Time on my hands, so much time on my hands
Remorse and sorrow fill my days
Since she returned the golden band

Time to reflect, so much time to reflect
On the bitter words spoken
Causing tears I now regret

Long lonely hours, Such long lonely hours
Spent alone with my thoughts
About a sweet love turned sour

Long empty days, such long empty days
Seeing people and places
We had seen in happier ways

Long lonely nights, such long lonely nights
Sadly waking cold and alone
In the dawns unfriendly light

Time on my hands, so much time on my hands
Spending the hours of my solitude
Trying hard to understand

HEAVENS GATE

Teardrops stain my cheeks
Now my love you’ve gone
Gone to join the angels throng
As sad and lonely I live on

I am comforted to know
In my sadness and despair
I’m alone but you are with me
As I feel you everywhere

With my faith for strength
I wipe my teary eyes
Safe in the knowledge
That no one really dies

We will be together again
If my beloved you will wait
Beyond the golden portal
Just through heavens gate

IMAGINE

I imagine the scent of you
Because you are far away
I imagine your hand in mine
Because you are out of reach
I imagine you in my arms
Because you’re no longer there
I imagine your sweet smile
Because now you look at me with scorn
I imagine your lovely voice
Because now you speak only bitter words
I imagine that you love me
Because your love for me is past
I imagine myself in your heart
Because you no longer love me

IN THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN

I lie in the first light of dawn
Alone, thinking of her
Wishing her next to me
Feeling her breath
Against my skin
Her breasts
Pressed against me
In the quiet of the new day
Hearing her breathing
I ache for her touch
I long for her soft body
Against mine
In the dawns pale light
And in the darkness
I want her
But she is gone
She is mine no more
Never again will my hands
Caress her form
Never again will I hear
Her murmur and sigh in pleasure
She is mine no more
My angel of the night
Has left my side
And dwells now
With others of her kind