HALLOWEEN IS A CONTEST

 

For my friends and I, Halloween is a contest

And I go all out to beat them all

This year I dressed my dog up as a cat

But now he won’t come when I call

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 1

 

I pretend to be someone I’m not

Just to receive something sweet

Which could be for Halloween

Or for a Valentine’s Day treat

A STRESSED-OUT MOTHER AND HER CHILD

 

A stressed-out mother and her child

Went into the fancy dress shop

Rushing around from pillar to post

Without a moments pause or stop

“Here try this one” the mother said

Grabbing a Devils suit in a whirl

Her six year old daughter retorted

“I don’t want it, I’m not an evil girl”

DAMIEN DUCK WAS DRESSED UP

 

Damien Duck was dressed up

For the Halloween extravaganza

And went to the Halloween party

As Vampire Count Quackula

ONCE I SAW A VAMPIRE

 

Once I saw a vampire,

Dressed in familiar attire

My instinct was to run

But he looked quite done

As he was old and tired

So, I assumed he was retired

And was sure it was safe

So, I waved to the Vampire

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SPATS?

 

Are you wearing Halloween spats?

Well, I don’t like them much

But I have to admit that the spatter

Of blood is a very nice touch

ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing a witch’s hat?

Or is it just a kind of mirage

And did you just call that

Broom cupboard your garage

AT THE GHOSTLY HOUSE

 

At the ghostly house

There is a familiar theme

Because for dessert

They always have ice scream

ALL GOOD GHOSTLY KIDS

 

All good ghostly kids

Are brought up good and true

And they will never spook

Until they’re spooken to

SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN

 

Snip! Snap! Dragon!

Here comes the flaming bowl

So let mischief take its toll

Just as this Halloween comes

Snatch at the feast of plums

In amongst the Brandy’s flame

It’s our favourite Halloween game

Snip! Snap! Dragon!

I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN

 

I buy my wife a gift for Halloween

Though not the gift giving season

Because Halloween is like Christmas

For witches and that’s the reason

I WAS STOOD AT THE BAR LAST NIGHT

 

I was stood at the bar last night

When a vampire gave me a fright

As I fully expected him to take a bite

But instead, he ordered a blood light

OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN

 

It’s that time of year again, Halloween

Oh how I hate it and its practitioners

All year round we tell our children

“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”

We instil in them from an early age

“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”

Then at Halloween we send them out

To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers

 

When children dressed as monsters

Terrorize the neighbourhood

Begging from door to door

Demanding sweets and treats

For not vandalizing your property

The older children or should I say yobs

Wear masks and disguise them selves

Clearly training for a life of crime

A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob

 

It’s that time of year again

The night of night to ignore the doorbell

It’s not twee or cute it’s just annoying

I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door

But I know I will get up next morning

With fake blood smeared on the front door

Eggs smashed on my windscreen

And rubbish strewn across my garden

God, I hate Halloween and its practitioners

ALL HALLOWS EVE

 

I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear

Now the witching hour is near

The curtains are drawn tight

And I’ve turned off the lights

The TV volume is way down low

I sit and cower in its feeble glow

Then comes the knock upon the door

And I curl up quivering on the floor

My heart is pounding my breath is shallow

My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow

On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread

But not of monsters or the un-dead

The fear that turns my heart to stone

Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home

THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS

The three-foot ghosts and ghouls

Roam the neighbourhood streets

Demanding candy with menaces

When tricks arise after no treats 

DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL

 

Dark monsters from the pits of hell

Ghosts and ghouls from where they dwell

Witch or warlock cast a withering spell

All answering the ring of the Halloween bell

CERIDWEN

 

The Welsh enchantress,

Goddess Ceridwen

Celtic goddess of rebirth

And transformation

Keeper of the cauldron

Of poetic inspiration

Mother and daughter

Heroine of the wiccan

TWITTER HALLOWEEN NIGHT

 

The invitation went out

To the twitter followers

About Halloween night

And the trick or treaters

 

It’s much safer than being

Out on the streets

And it’s better for you

To do twick or tweets

WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 1

 

We went to a fancy dress party

I was a wizard, and she was a witch

But I knew it was time to leave

When she tapped her witch watch

MY LITTLE NIECE GOES TO HOGWARTS

 

My little niece goes to Hogwarts

She’s a witch and she’s excelling

But of all the subjects she takes

Her favourite one is spelling